robotarmy post whole30

[Nadia B]

Been there. Well I still sort of am. I hate this feeling of being in pseudo control. You realize everything with your head and then a little detail/situation negates all the mental work done. Good news - it gets better with practice. It gets better if you are not trying too hard not to think. I was saying to myself - "I am miserable and that's how break ups are supposed to happen. I am doing according to the plan".  One more thing - our brain REALLY likes little details like "oh we both had this weird habit of ___, it's a destiny". Well, this common habit will get you both nowhere if something fundamental is missing. It is clearly missing even if the breakup wasn't a mutual agreement. If he can't deal with his situations or appreciate you, well there you go, better now than after 5 years together and a kid. Enough preaching, you are smart enough to realize it all yourself. 

 

Is there a meetup event for ANYTHING you like in the area? Just drag yourself for an exhibition or movie or whatever.

 

I am still nowhere with CF. I have numerous reasons (health mostly) and reading your posts brings back this feeling (f I gotta do it some day, arghgrhgrh). Someone wrote a while back that she loves box jumps  Do I know her?

[robotarmy]

Yeah I know what you mean. It's so easy to think that just because we're the same on so many issues that it's meant to be. There is definitely some unfinished business here. Just some stuff to talk about. I'd like to give it another go, but I don't know if he has the wherewithal to do it. You see...we live 1500 miles apart. That's the issue. :/ And you are SO right. Better now than in years. I got out of a 6.5 year relationship last year, and when it ended I REALLY wanted that time back. Thanks for reading and helping me talk through it. That really helps!

Anyway, yeah the crossfit. Those box jumps were just killer this morning! Dang, you know? They're normally a favorite. I think I gotta figure out how to get some more energy before the 6am class. Whether it's how to eat the night before or in the morning...I dunno. Ugh.

[Jessica M.]

Glad you are able to be positive or at least try to be positive during a difficult time. Good luck with everything.  :-)

[robotarmy]

Glad you are able to be positive or at least try to be positive during a difficult time. Good luck with everything. :-)

Thanks it's been a stupid and sad couple of weeks, but something amazingly positive has to come out of it, right?

[robotarmy]

Ugh, been busy/kinda depressed. Went to friend's birthday dinner on Thursday evening, had the world's worst wings. Then was exhausted on Friday morning so I slept in instead of getting up at 5 for CF. I'll still get my 6 sessions in, just couldn't manage on Friday morning. Been eating pretty well. Friday night we went to a big rib festival that's happening locally this weekend. The ribs weren't great by any measure, but still, I do like ribs and had a good time. Also had an ear of corn and an ice cream cone. Yep. I'd been planning for this off-plan meal, so I know the ice cream won't throw me off too badly. Yesterday I ate really weirdly: green salad with almonds for breakfast, then bacon and ground beef with tomatoes for dinner. This morning I've had bacon and scrambled eggs with spinach, onions, and broccoli. And some strawberries.

Have a presentation to give today for work, followed by lunch out with colleagues, donors, and friends. It starts at noon. I will be happy for this one to be out of the way, but more difficult ones lie ahead this week. Lots to do to prepare. And tomorrow was supposed to be a day off, but I was informed upon arrival here that I would be participating in a fundraising effort tomorrow. As a volunteer. Ugh. So I have an extra presentation to give to donors and only Monday morning to learn what I'm to present. That's not an issue. I'm good at that. I just wanted a day off! Oh well. I got chosen for this because I'm good at my job.

Anyway. Still sad, and actually pretty lonely up here. This talk with ex-manfriend that's hanging over my head next week isn't allowing me to move forward. I'm in a better place than I was a couple of weeks ago, but not by much. I miss him so terribly. I want it to work. I don't know if this is an instance where we get what we want. An instance where life isn't fair. Ah, well. Time to get in the shower and get ready to go. Wish me luck!

[robotarmy]

Presentation went well. Lunch with colleague after was at a Chinese place, and I definitely ate off plan. But it's okay. Then I napped for a while. Then I texted with friends. And then, not gonna lie, there was some emotional eating. For sure. Fried cheese curds, terra chips, and some mixed nuts. Not kicking myself for it. Just recognizing it and moving on to tomorrow.

So happy to talk to friends. I'm extremely social, and hate being alone and lonely.

Tomorrow I'm hitting up CF, going back to bed for a bit, then participating in a fundraiser. So much for days off

I've been researching local, pastured meat sources for when I get home, but not satisfied yet. Anyone shop for meat in the Phoenix area?

[Jessica M.]

Glad all the work stuff is going well. You will get through the emotional stuff too, so don't worry. It's rough right now but you are strong. The Universe/God/Fate is taking you through to where you need to be so ultimately you can be happiest. (I believe in that kind of stuff.)

[robotarmy]

Glad all the work stuff is going well. You will get through the emotional stuff too, so don't worry. It's rough right now but you are strong. The Universe/God/Fate is taking you through to where you need to be so ultimately you can be happiest. (I believe in that kind of stuff.)

Thanks yeah, I believe in it too. Hard to recognize when you're in the thick of it, but to know it in the mind is important, even when you don't feel it in the heart.

[Jessica M.]

Yeah, I am an expert in not feeling it for myself. ;-)  (((virtual hug)))

[Renee Lee]

Thanks yeah, it's been rough. Every day I have a clearer picture of what I want. So between now and then I hope he's evaluating it all too. It's killing me to have lost him, but if it isn't meant to be, I suppose it's for the best. Although that's hard to imagine at the moment, because I literally could not construct a more perfect man for myself. Right down to religion and politics. And damn good looking. Ugh. Okay not going to dwell on it thanks so much for the supportive words! Every piece of encouragement is lifts me up a little higher.

------

Ugh, totally feel for you. I've been going back and forth practically every day about my relationship. It's all awesome, except what we each want and expect. Some days we're totally in line and others I'm like, "how the eff did this boat veer off the course that much"

 

Good luck, lady! and welcome back! I was wondering where you were!

[Nadia B]

I am with Jess. I do believe that everything will sort itself out. In a most unusual way most likely.

 

Desire for "it to work" should come from both ends and you know it. It just hurts to think that it doesn't somehow. It's not fair but in this case I try to switch to the "universe will balance it out" thought. Universe owns you big time. Try to get excited to see what is it.  

 

Our stupid brain doesn't like changes. It wants "everything how it used to be". Don't we know it already with food. I really commiserate with 6,5 years thing (been there but 4) and with distance relationship (been there), and with just having trouble to get these little coincidences out of the head (who hasn't?). You know what? Maybe it is for the best that he is far from you. It would make things worse. Maybe it will keep you from stupid things said and done. Because when you see familiar face, familiar smell and oh so cute _____ (insert whatever) your brain goes nuts. You don't have time to rationalize this response. Is it my ego? Is it the closure? Is it the fear of the future? Maybe it's the need to have it my way? Okok, I am turning it all about me now. Because this is exactly what happened this lovely weekend.

 

Hope it will get better day by day until you realize that you don't care much. Take good care of yourself! Hugs!  

[robotarmy]

Holy crap. It's been a while since I've had the time to sit down and write here. Work finished up and I'm back at home. Vacation for 2 weeks and then back to work again.

 

Life is...well, it's kinda weird and awful. I came home from being away for 2.5 weeks, only to discover that my power had been turned off (Even though I had paid my most recent bill, there was a missed month that wasn't displayed on the online bill. So I was carrying a balance and didn't know it ) So all the food in my fridge and freezer spoiled, there's mold all over it, and I'm calling a pro to clean it out. I threw away most of the stuff, but am hiring someone to take care of the rest.

 

So I'm eating out until it gets taken care of. Ugh.

 

Reopened talks with long-distance man yesterday. It resulted in a fight. We're going to have A Talk on Thursday. Ugh. I love him, but I just don't think he's strong enough to do this. This hurt runs so deep. Deeper than I imagined it would.

 

Today is the one-year anniversary of getting dumped by 6.5 year man. I'm so happy I'm not with him anymore. He called me names and emotionally blackmailed me. He gaslighted me. He put the burden of our relationship entirely on me. He set very strict requirements for what it would take for me to get a marriage proposal. I met them all. He bailed. In the end, I know it sounds like he's awful. The truth is: he was just immature. He'd never been in a long-term relationship before, and when a lifetime together became a very real possibility, that's how he subconsciously pushed me away. And I was settling for him, in a big way. Anyway, he's all in the past.

 

In the meantime, I'm going to do the August Whole30 to dial in nutrition and try to regain some structure in my diet. I've been eating about 80/20. I feel like emotional crap. And so I hope to recapture the optimism that I found eating W30. I'm going to hit the gym. I'm going to get back into my paleo meetup group activities. Haven't had a chance to attend any potlucks lately, as I've been out of town. So I just RSVP'd yes to 3 events. Two this weekend.

 

Wow, so there's a big entry. That's my update. That's what's going on. It's tough here at the bottom of this hole, but I can look up and see the light. And I can only go up from here.

[Renee Lee]

Hang in there!!!

[robotarmy]

Thanks, Renee! So grateful for support wherever it is offered

[Derval]

Hope THE talk goes well, glad you didn't settle for yer man

[Jessica M.]

So glad you are free from 6.5 year man. Glad you are making plans that will fuel your optimism and health. ((virtual hug))

[Nadia B]

Oh my, girl. I feel the pain in every line. I know that it hurts to breathe sometimes and thinking is painful. Sleep doesn't bring relief either. Nothing brings relief. Except of self care and time. Relationships are complicated and sometimes suck big time. Power through, just power through. 

[robotarmy]

Thanks, all. I'm ready to feel like a whole person again, but it's just going to take time...doesn't help that I'm on vacation for the next 11 days with nothing to do most of the time. I just feel stuck. Maybe a trip to a day spa or something will help a girl feel better.

[robotarmy]

OMG, I'm sorry I keep coming here to vent, but I cannot find a professional cleaning service to help with the fridge. I've called everything from maid service to disaster specialists. Nobody will do it. So tomorrow morning, armed with a mask, a ton of rubber gloves, and a boatload of vinegar, chemicals, baking soda, and coffee, I'm taking this thing on. It's bad, y'all. 2 weeks without power and spoiled meats and veggies. Everything leaked, there's mold, and there are definitely some maggots. Not many, thank goodness, and they're all dead, THANK GOD.

 

I simply cannot afford a new fridge, and there's no way my insurance will cover this. So it has to be done. I'm a grownup. I can do this.

[Nadia B]

Holyyyyyy. Did you do it? 

[robotarmy]

I got the fridge completely EMPTIED. Now I'm taking a little bit of time to regroup and then tackle the actual cleaning. I have mold/mildew spray, bleach, rubber gloves, etc. ready to go. I just need a minute (or an hour) way from the kitchen...

 

I'm just ASTOUNDED that no professional organization will do this. I mean, I get their explanations, but I'm trying to give you money, you know? I'm a job creator, haha.

 

Okay this too shall pass.

 

PS, The Talk got postponed til Saturday. So that's okay because it means we can do it during the day rather than having to wait until the evening. Get it over with. I'm just anxious to get to this part of the process. I can't move forward until we do it. Okay, going to look at stupid Buzzfeed articles and relax for an hour until it's time to do Refrigerator Round 2.

 

PPS, today's food so far: are you kidding me? I'm not eating until this is over. No appetite, and not giving myself anything to throw up, should the need arise during the Great Refrigerator Cleaning of '13.

[Nadia B]

Sorry, I laughed out loud reading it all. Kind of weird with the cleaning of course. They would clean a room after a disgusting party but not the fridge. 

 

You can do this! Fridge clean up + emotional clean up. Then relax and eat well. Best of luck! 

[robotarmy]

Okay. Fridge empty. Liquids cleaned up. Mold 99% gone. Gotta do the same in the freezer--no mold in there, but going to go through with the chemical sweep. I may just get a chance to put some food in there this weekend. Not taking any chances though; the first go-through was with windex, the second is with mold/mildew spray, the third will be with bleach.

 

But I'm done for the day. Time to shower, get looking like a normal person, and go out to dinner with a guy friend who isn't trying to date me! How refreshing!

[Renee Lee]

I cannot believe prof cleaners wouldn't do this. Isn't that WHAT THEY DO?!? I don't understand.

[robotarmy]

RIGHT????!! Here's what I kept hearing from everyone I spoke to: maid services wouldn't do it because they hear the word 'mold' and say no. Apparently it's a liability issue. But then disaster relief/mold remediation type services wouldn't do it either because that "isn't what they do." The thing is: there wasn't that much mold. Yeah, there was mold. But it wasn't like it was all over the fridge. I was prepared to pay hundreds of dollars to outsource this. But instead I dropped $25 on cleaning products at Wal-Mart and I'm tackling it myself. Yeah, it's gross. But it's doable. As a friend of mine says, "Put on the big girl undies!" So I put on my big girl undies and took on the task...and I keep telling myself I'm richer in character for having done so. If I say it enough it's true, right?