FatGirl Slim

[KelseyClaire]

Hello!

I’m on day 6 of my 5th or 6th Whole30 and I’m doing it differently this time. One of the things that entails is being active in the forum, so hello!

I guess on this first post I’m just going to dive right into the psychology, since meal prepping and staying on plan aren’t the struggle anymore. I know I can do that part. 

I know my blog title might earn me a few side eyes, but 1. It’s a reference to the band Fatboy Slim and a nod to college nostalgia and 2. I’ve always identified as a fat girl, even before I actually was one. I’m 5’9” and I’ve been 5’9” since the 6th grade. I towered over my classmates. I was taller than some of my elementary school teachers. In old dance recital pictures, I look like Godzilla among the fairies. I was always bigger than everyone around me. Hard not to internalize that, I guess. 

I’m also SUPER well-endowed, and again, have been since the 6th grade. The first real bra I remember shopping for was a C cup. I felt enormous in middle and high school, but looking back at pictures, I really wasn’t. It was just that most of my visible world was my massive chest, so I felt like all of me was massive. 

I was an introverted, rebellious, weird little theater kid, and identifying as “the fat girl” and metaphorically and literally sticking the finger to the skinny bubbly popular girls became an important part of my identity. It’s still a pretty important part of my identity. I started belly dancing about 8 years ago partly because it fascinated me and I really wanted to, and partly because being a fat, sexy dancer and flying in the face of societal norms really appealed to me. Oh really? Fat girls can’t be hot? Look at this shimmy, LOOK AT IT!! I joined a CrossFit style gym and started weight lifting because I really loved watching people’s jaws drop when their assumptions that since I’m fat, I must also be weak got blown out of the water. 

So I want to be very clear that I am not fat-shaming myself or anyone else. I love my fat body, and I have also realized that it’s really not serving me anymore. I’ve slowly been gaining weight since college, averaging about 10 pounds a year. I was starting to feel like things were getting out of control, and then the pandemic happened. Things got rooooough. Things were definitely out of control. Depression hit hard (shout out to Whole30ers battling mental health issues!) The gym shut down. Dance classes were cancelled. I’ve gained 30 pounds since March. Yikes. I’m exhausted, my clothes don’t fit, my family is worried about me, and for the first time since middle school, I feel like a prisoner in this body instead of a proud, fierce, joyful badass. I’m not a fan.

So I’ve returned to Whole30. I’ve done it before, but I always treated it like a crash diet. I skimmed the website for the rules, but didn’t educate myself about the science. I’ve never done the reintroduction phase. I’ve never engaged with the community. I’ve never made lasting changes to my life style. 

This time, the goal is to do it differently. I’m reading the books, I’m committing to the reintroduction phase, and I’m using this forum. The goal is actual, real, lasting change so I can feel like I’m in control of my life again. The goal is energy and clearing brain fog and fighting off depression. And yes, definitely weight loss. 

I’m 33 years old, and I’ve finally decided that it is time to Do The Thing. Let’s go!
 

 

[MadyVanilla]

12 hours ago, KelseyClaire said:

I felt enormous in middle and high school, but looking back at pictures, I really wasn’t. It was just that most of my visible world was my massive chest, so I felt like all of me was massive. 

This really resonates with me - I am also very well-endowed, developed early, and always felt huge because my chest was huge.  But I wasn't...it sure makes a difference in the clothes you can wear as a teenager (and beyond)  and shapes your identity, though.  Your interpretation of this is so awesome-LOVE the bellydancing!!!

Congratulations on making the decision to really do this - I took on the same challenge back in June.  This time around (my 6th), I have not yet completed the 30 days to my satisfaction, but I have, am, learning so much about myself and my relationship with food.  

I'm looking forward to following along with your journey!

 

[KelseyClaire]

Based on other people’s posts I think I’m doing this right (replying to my topic to continue the log). 

I’m in the midst of trying to reset my sleep cycle. I’m a major night owl (so naturally I’ve chosen a profession that requires me to up and at work by 7:30 am, smart) and working from home has allowed me to get really crazy with my sleep pattern. I had gotten to a point where normal bedtime was between 2 and 3 am and then I would sleep until noon. 

I’ve been physically going to bed earlier, but having a terrible time actually falling asleep. Usually, I listen to an audiobook and play a coloring app on my phone as my bedtime wind down. Last night I ditched the app and tried actually coloring. It seemed to help. I fell asleep in about an hour, as opposed to two or three hours. I’m going to stick with that strategy again tonight and see what happens.

Even though I haven’t been sleeping that well, my energy is pretty stable and I’ve been able to get a lot done during the day. 

My other small victory is hydration. I am teeeeeeerrible at drinking enough water. Sometimes it’s 1 in the afternoon before I realize I haven’t had a sip of liquid all day. I’m like a camel, except I’m not storing water, I’m just dehydrated all the time.

I’ve started putting cucumber slices in water and putting it in the fridge in the evening. In the morning, it makes for a very tempting and refreshing treat (I don’t have AC). It’s been working really well, I’ve been drinking way more. It seems if I start the day drinking water, it’s easier to keep it going throughout the day.

Alright, off to bed to color and hopefully fall asleep even faster tonight.
 

 

[MadyVanilla]

Sleep and hydration!!!  I fall asleep pretty easily, then wake up and stay awake for hours in the middle of the night.  This has gotten better with W30, though.  Over the last few weeks, I've slept only an average of five hours a night, and yet, still have energy the next day-crazy.   I hope continuing to just color helps - at least you aren't getting that blue screen effect.  I forgot how awesome actually coloring is....

Cucumber slices in water does sound refreshing.  I think I will try this today.  I've been making peach sun tea and drinking the pitcher of it nearly everyday.  I need something different!  

[RachelR]

Good luck!

[Semi]

I wish you the best for your journey!

[KelseyClaire]

I’m still going, life has just gotten crazy! It’s day 19, and I don’t feel as awesome as I have on previous Whole30’s. I think I’m not eating enough. My depression is definitely greatly improved, but it still shows up. Pre-whole 30, it showed up as, “Ugh, I need to eat. I don’t want to move. I’ll just order something.” Half the time, I wasn’t even excited about what I was ordering, it was just something to eat that I didn’t have to do anything for. Now, it’s showing up as, “Ugh, I need to eat. I don’t want to move. Eh, I just won’t eat.” 

It’s sneaky though. For example, yesterday I got up around 10 and was like, “Ok, great, I can make a nice egg scramble for breakfast, sounds good.” And then I proceeded to sit on the couch and scroll aimlessly through my phone, telling myself “I’m going to make breakfast in a minute,” and then bam! It was 1:00 and I hadn’t eaten anything. 

My energy the past couple days has also been super low. I had a few days of solid energy and feeling good, but I’m back in a tired slump. I had moved my bedtime back to midnight, but it’s creeped back to 1am. I’m such a night owl!

This last week has been particularly hard. I’m a school counselor in Massachusetts, so I’m supposed to be on summer break. LOL. All of my colleagues and I have been working full time this summer - FOR FREE. So that’s fun. Last week was the school committee vote for whether we’re going back remote or hybrid, and despite 77% of the staff asking for remote, and I and many of my colleagues making passionate pleas at the meeting, the committee voted 6-5 in favor of hybrid. It was a super emotional week and I’m still pretty upset. I have a meeting at 11 to fix the hybrid model plan because admin PURPOSEFULLY WROTE IT WITH HOLES and was like, “we’ll figure it out.” And by that of course they mean “teachers will scramble to make our half-baked idea work.” Did I mention none of us are getting paid this summer? 

So anyway, it’s been a rough time. But I haven’t gone off plan, and I haven’t even really been craving my go-to comfort foods (although when I remember ice cream is a thing, I definitely have feelings about it). 

I have noticed an interesting and potentially problematic substitute for comfort food: online shopping. I’ve been clicking on more ads and buying stuff I don’t really need, I think as a substitute for the instant gratification of eating sugar. Definitely something to keep an eye on.

Ok, now I really am going to go make breakfast and maybe do a mindfulness meditation before this hot mess of a meeting. 

PS - I also rescued a dog off Facebook last week on a complete and total whim. Because life needed to be juuuuust a little crazier. (Honestly though, he’s awesome, no regrets.)

 

[MadyVanilla]

This could be me!  (Except that I didn't adopt a dog last week...).  I hadn't put the word "depression" to that energy issue, but it is what it is - a pervasive wallowing and never quite getting adequate energy up to do what I need to do.  It's definitely better for me after 2 months of W30/working to get back to W30 and I am getting more exercise...I'm glad you're able to make compliant food choices even while substituting the on-line shopping.  Maybe you'll end up with some interesting purchases!

The work issue is big...I also work for the school system, and two weeks ago our board opted to start virtually.  We have had to plan all summer for the three scenarios of virtual, hybrid, or in-school, so it's nice to have a decision so that we can finally concentrate on one plan and make it a good one.  The public response that has been the loudest has been pretty vicious and I've been fielding lots of phone calls, texts, emails from staff near or in-tears because of it.  Of course the best thing is to avoid social media, but it's like a train wreck and people seem unable to pull themselves away even for their own sanity (myself included).  We are all emotionally wrung-out, bone-weary, exhausted.  The worst part is the idea that educators don't want to work - the majority that I work with have been doing the same as you all summer, working without pay and trying to prepare their districts and themselves for a brand new world.  I feel for you, thinking about the logistical nightmare of hybrid and hope that you are able to plug the holes adequately.  Most of the United States and much of the world are feeling the pressure/worry/fear of the pandemic and I think the discussions surrounding public schools provide a point of focus at which to hurl those tremendous emotions.  If we can't get our children back to normal lives this September, what hope is there for the rest of us?    

I hope you breakfast was delicious!  Good luck with the meeting.  

 

 

[KelseyClaire]

It’s day 31! I’m down 9.2 pounds, which is cool. I definitely feel less puffy. My sugar cravings are super manageable, which is a big deal. I don’t think I ever quite hit tiger blood. I think I’m still just not eating enough or sleeping enough. 

Today is cheese day. There are a lot of things I’m just not going to bother reintroducing because I don’t miss them. Like beans, and milk, and surprisingly bread. I mean sure I miss cake and cookies and brownies, but I really haven’t missed pasta or toast or sandwich wraps. So I’m going with the theory that if I don’t miss it, why reintroduce it? I’m definitely going to do corn because I want to be able to do polenta, and my sister has a Cooking Light Mexican street corn salad recipe that I reeeeeally want to try. I also do miss hummus, but not peanut butter (unless it’s in candy). And I never really ate beans to begin with. I’ve also found that cauliflower is a perfectly acceptable rice substitute, so I probably won’t bother with that either. Really, if I can have cheese whenever I want and let myself indulge in a special dessert from time to time, I think I’ll be perfectly happy.

I am going to sign up for Weight Watchers to keep myself on track and accountable for a while. I’m trying to be back to pre-quarantine weight by my birthday (late November) and that’s still 27 pounds away. There’s also a therapist in Chicago who is a certified Whole30 coach and is leading a Whole30 group online starting Sept. 14th with a focus on emotional eating. I’m debating doing it, since emotional eating is definitely a huge thing for me (see the 35 pound quarantine depression gain). 

My goal with this Whole30 was to have it be different from past Whole30s, and I’ve definitely accomplished that. In the past, day 31 meant a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and take-out from my favorite place, and a pretty immediate return to my pre-Whole30 habits. But this day 31 is the start of my first ever reintroduction phase, and it feels like the first step of a larger journey. I don’t feel relieved that it’s over, I feel excited to keep going and that feels like a pretty bid deal.

[ShadowInTheKitchen]

congratulations on finishing!  I love that you noted that you feel excited to keep going, that's what I'm hoping for so its good to hear it from someone else.  Good luck!

[Ginsky]

On 7/28/2020 at 9:09 PM, KelseyClaire said:

 

So I’ve returned to Whole30. I’ve done it before, but I always treated it like a crash diet. I skimmed the website for the rules, but didn’t educate myself about the science. I’ve never done the reintroduction phase. I’ve never engaged with the community. I’ve never made lasting changes to my life style. 

This time, the goal is to do it differently. I’m reading the books, I’m committing to the reintroduction phase, and I’m using this forum. The goal is actual, real, lasting change so I can feel like I’m in control of my life again. The goal is energy and clearing brain fog and fighting off depression. And yes, definitely weight loss. 

I’m 33 years old, and I’ve finally decided that it is time to Do The Thing. Let’s go!
 

 

 

I'm so glad you are going to do the reintroduction!  It really offers such an amazing opportunity to improve your life permanently.  You can learn so much about your body's reactions to various food so take your time and follow the steps, it's so worth it.  Knowledge is power.