Tips for dealing with cookie bearing grand-parents?

[Beets]

My parents are coming for the day tomorrow. My 5 yo son has behavior issues and he seems to be the worst with processed sugary grains. Every time my parents come they feed them cookies, sandwiches, crackers and wonder why he starts hitting me when I say it's time for bed. I'm not doing full-on W30 with them (5 and almost 2) but I do want to very much limit sugar and processed grains.

They live about an hour away and we see them fairly frequently. I'm very very grateful for all of their help and love but the food is an on-going issue. My mother will stop at the same bakery her mother went to all her life and she will come into my house with three white paper bags, with another private bag in her purse and yet another hidden in her car "for later." She will eat half servings of regular meals and supplement with her white paper bags the rest of the day. (As per her daily habit.)

My father is diabetic but since his diagnosis, in his typical 12-year old way, he has begun to eat fewer meals and more junk. He never ate a lot of sweets and is pissed at the world that he has diabetes instead of my sweet-addict mother. (Though she isn't far behind and has her own pre-diabetes diagnosis.)

All of which is to say that there are a whole bunch of emotional issues (as always) around food with my parents. My father will flat out ignore me and my mother will act like I'm rejecting her Polish Italian-bakery loving heritage, spitting on the grave of my grandmother and great-aunt if I say no more bakery stuff for the kids.

Thanks! Any experiences or words of wisdom welcome.

[LadyM]

Will you eat the sweets she brings? If not, and you make your health needs priority, why not your kids'?

I think it's fair to openly acknowledge your mother's good intentions AND let her know that even if she disagrees or doesn't understand your point of view, that you need her to respect your desires for your children's diet.

Sometimes the less explanation the better.

You don't have to change what your parents put in their mouths, but you do have a right to decide what's best for you and your children.

Good luck!

[Beets]

Thanks.

I have a close relationship with my mom and if it came to it I might put my foot down and throw out a "they're my kids and it's my right" card but I'd prefer to take a gentler tack in the beginning. I think asking her to respect my choices is a good idea. I just have to couch is correctly.

They have a bunch of other very stressful, depressing stuff going on in their lives and I don't want to add to her stress by forcing any kind of wedge between us.

This is my first W30 and of course I care about my kids' health. But I also know my own limitations and knew I couldn't do a family-wide W30 this time around. I'm baby-stepping my kids. Do I feel guilty if they eat junk? Always. But I'm trying to get a handle on some bad anxiety so I'm giving myself the oxygen mask first.

[Beets]

Reading what I wrote above I'm thinking about my old therapist with whom I talked a lot about my mom's good old-fashioned guilt-tripping. She used to tell me I have to make decisions for myself and if my mom makes me feel guilty I have to acknowledge the guilt and move forward, not let it take over my decisions.

I feel like such a weakling on this. My mom is also very overweight so there's always a bit of weirdness whenever I'm taking care of myself. She is happy for me but she will say stuff like, "are you EATING?" when Im clearly not thin enough for any normal person to ask me that question.

[Moluv]

I remember the first time I made a request of my parents to not feed my then 18 month (now 6 year) old son any grains, sugar or dairy. My dad was livid. He said he had a mind to call Child Protective Services because I was out of my mind. I would kind of make weak arguments but they always did what they wanted and I let them because I didnt want a fight. After I remarried, my husband started sharing his opinions on how disrespectful my parents were to me and I finally acknowledged how I was the perpetual child around them. Due to our new family structure and my confidence I kept the children away from my parents home unless my husband and myself were along too. After long enough my parents realized they were missing out and that I wasn't baking down. After we started W30 I was going to take the kids for the whole day and I did so on the condition that my parents not feed the boys anything other than what I packed from home with the exception of fruit and vegetables. I told my mom that they were on day 20 of a 30 day elimination diet to determine potential food intolerances an that if the kids got dosed with something they would have to start over. Worked like a charm. And ya know, it only took 5 years to accomplish!

[LoisH99]

Sometimes with grandparents, it helps to tell a "little white lie" that your child can't have Grandma's bakery cookies, "because the doctor says so." That way it's not you declining Grandma's bakery treats, but simply "doctors' orders."

[Javagal78]

Could you call her ahead of time and request a healthier snack? I have to supply the snacks for my MIL but it seems to work as a win/win for everyone.

[Anandi]

I know this is an older thread, but I've been dealing with similar issues. In our case, at first, it was my daughter's dairy allergy. Somehow my parents seemed to think that "just a little" would be ok, or dairy as an ingredient would be fine. Then my daughter would throw up 8 hours later and we'd have no idea why. For us it just took lots of flat-out explanations on how things made her feel, how her skin reacted, and the late vomiting (which they were never around to see). We also had to be aggressive around other family members during parties and gatherings because people were always trying to feed my daughter without asking first. (Allergies are extremely uncommon in my family.)

I definitely agree with the others that you need to let your parents' own eating habits go, but focus on your kids. Talk about it in terms of behavior and health issues - ie "we're finding that sugar causes him to act xxx" or "her eczema disappears when we're strict about not giving her dairy". I think your parents want what's best for your kids and just need to understand what that means.

I do think it makes sense to pack snacks, and be very clear and firm about what they can and can't have. Since you and your mom are close, I think she'll want to do right by you. Explain to her that you appreciate that she wants to give them treats, but tell her it just doesn't agree with them.

Or, the other option is to tell her she can give them *one* treat only per visit. And then have that be their only treat for the rest of the week or whatever. But this is coming from someone who isn't doing W30 with the whole family - they'll eat what I cook, but I'm not "making" them conform when they're out of the house.