Dealing with grief (pregnancy loss)

[littleg]

I just lost a 1-year in the making pregnancy at 10 weeks last week.  My garbage can is full of fat free Reddi Whip cans.  Today at the fertility clinic the nurse was talking to me about next steps.  She mentioned that "going paleo" is the "biggie" that they'll ask women do as a last ditch effort (ironic huh, that it isn't the first...).  While I know rationally that hating my body and almost purposefully hurting it by continuing to eat this way makes no sense I just don't have the will power right now to make other choices.  I start each day by trying to eat real food, not W30 at this time, but paleo at least and by the end of the day I'm 2 cans into my Reddi whip.  I'm trying not to buy "crappy" food (our fridge right now is bare, literally 2 dozen eggs, 1 tub of grated parmesan cheese, some clementines and a grapefruit).  And hubby's beer.  Thats it.  I go out and buy the whipped cream each night.  My pregnancy aversions have faded but the memory is there and the foods I didn't want 2 weeks ago (meat, veggies) don't trigger nausea now, just tears.

 

We hope to start trying again in a few months and I know that the healthier I am going in to trying to conceive the better... I just can't seem to do it.  

 

What self talk, strategies, etc have you used to give your body the food it needs when it just feels so impossible to do so?

[jmcbn]

I've been in your situation three times. Granted it was long before I was eating anywhere close to this, but I know where your head's at. Each time I dealt with my grief in a different way, and whilst it never got (gets) any easier, I did 'recover' quicker and get myself back on track emotionally each time.

Don't be hard on yourself. Give yourself time to grieve, and time to heal.

Then take a deep breath, set your sights on your goal, rid your home of temptation, have prepared food on hand, and take it one meal at a time.



 

[ladyshanny]

I'm so sorry, you must be just crushed.  

 

I have absolutely no frame of reference for this kind of loss....but I will say this.  The Redi Whip isn't going to help.  Allow yourself to feel the pain of your loss no matter how much it hurts. You will not actually die from grief, as much as that may feel like the case.  Feel what you need to feel, be kind and gentle to yourself and you'll get through to the other side.  Numbing yourself with whipping cream isn't the answer and neither is Whole30 at this time but something in the middle just might be.

[SugarcubeOD]

 I go out and buy the whipped cream each night. 

First, my condolences for your loss, I'm really sorry!

 

I don't have anything meaningful to say about how to get through your grief except that the only way around it is through it unfortunately.

 

If you have the Periscope App, Melissa just did a post (available for probably another 6 or 7 hours) about Good enough is Good enough when you're going through a hard time.  That's not to condone the whipped cream, but how about a smoothie? How about a protein bowl?  My favorite thing is lightly scrambled eggs on arugula dressed with rice wine vinegar and evoo and then sprinkled with blue berries... it's odd (but delicious), which might make it palatable enough for you right now.  You don't need to eat Whole30 right now... use the tenets that you know about healthy eating, apply what you can and call that good enough!

 

I do have some advice tho for your whipped cream... I am an emotional eater and when I know I'm going to easily fall down the rabbit hole, I use this strategy:

I don't go to the grocery store.  I buy my produce at a farmers market that only sells eggs and produce.  I buy my meat from a butcher that only sells meat and I go into Costco with no cart to buy things like Avocado oil or coconut oil (so I can't carry too much).  

 

If I have to go to a grocery store during the time that I'm feeling this way, then I don't go by myself.  One of the nicest things you can do for yourself during hard times is to let other people help you, even if that is just to accompany you to the grocery store so you don't have to go alone.

 

And if you're alone and you feel that you may go out and get something that you know you dont' really want, get in a hot shower, make sure you wash your hair or get it wet and then when you get out, put your pajamas on.  It's almost a foolproof way of removing the urge to get in your car and go out to get the thing (ice cream, whipped cream...).  If you have to do that five times in one evening, do it five times in one evening....

 

Just the fact that you know this is destructive behavior that you don't want to continue, shows us that you have unshakable strength and tenacity to get through this... 

[littleg]

Thanks for the kind words ladies.  I was thinking W30 was ok for right now because (1) I deal with problems by coming up with solutions and planning (2) W30 takes a lot of time and attention which means less time and attention for sitting on the couch staring into space with the hamster wheel of miscarriage spinning away in my head.  

 

I'm already totally in the mindset of "whats next" and since that includes trying again I thought fixing the last 6-8 weeks of poorer eating (because my pregnancy diet was bread and cheese!) was probably a good thing. But maybe not.  So maybe one meal at a time for now.  And if its meat and fruit with no veggies so be it  

 

 

Good thing Turkey Day is coming though and everyone needs whipped cream for their pies - or else Reddi Whip stock would take a hit without me!

[dlocs1021]

I have suffered two pregnancy losses myself...there is no way around it, over it, or under it....it sucks plain and simple. Life really really sucks sometimes!! So sorry to hear about your loss and the hard time you are having. I do agree with all the other ladies, do the best you can for you right now, take it one day at a time and keep making good choices as you are able and it will develop from there. I am happy to report I am about to start my 4th whole 30 and my 18 month old is playing with her toys next to me. I cant say the whole 30 solidified our pregnancy or not but I know for sure it didn't hurt!! Sending good thoughts your way! Good luck as you continue to heal and work towards trying again in the next few months.

[littleg]

Thanks Dlocs!  I'm a nurse and yesterday took care of an "older" (like me!) woman and her two new twins that were IVF - its the "it can happen" stories that keep me going so thanks for sharing

 

Needless to say I didn't stay out of the mellow creme pumpkins, twizzlers or hershey kisses at work yesterday... but I did eat curried zucchini soup with a pan fried chicken thigh, bacon and clementines for breakfast before falling into the candy bowl!

[SugarcubeOD]

.. but I did eat curried zucchini soup with a pan fried chicken thigh, bacon and clementines for breakfast before falling into the candy bowl!

That's excellent!  Eating your 3 meals a day to the template as best you can will really help your state of mind about the candy bowl as well as help you heal and ease you back into more regular healthy eating.  Good for you!

[Kelly2612]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I gained almost 10 pounds after a miscarriage trying to deal with the pain of it by going out to fancy dinners and to bars with friends several nights a week, because when everything feels terrible sometimes food and drinks seem like the only way to do something nice for yourself.

 

There's no right way to get through it, but there are probably some ways that are healthier and kinder to yourself than others. You get to grieve for however long you need to.

 

Maybe something kind you can do for yourself is to carve out time to make a fridge-stocking trip. It seems like eating healthy food is important in your life, and it would be a good thing to do for yourself.

[littleg]

Its been almost 10 days with no whipped cream  Not even close to W30 but better than it was.  We found out it was a trisomy 15 - which has oddly enough helped a lot.  I never really blamed myself but the whole "why did this happen" "why does everyone else get a baby" thoughts were *always* there.  Now I know.  

[Raineyrk]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter to a chromosomal anomaly (triploidy) at 30 weeks. I agree, it is strangely helpful to have a diagnosis. And good job on the no whipped cream I know that's hard... my nemesis was ice cream. We found out our diagnosis at 18 weeks and at that point my eating/exercising went straight down the tube. The only pregnancy weight I ended up gaining was all from junk (I thought that maybe, if I ate more, my baby would grow more. That's not how it works, and I knew that... but I still tried). And went to food for comfort afterwards too. I started exercising again 3 months after our loss and lost the baby weight, but I didn't start paying attention to my eating for about 6 months. Once I did, eating healthy food and exercising helped me physically have the strength to grieve well and to heal, but I definitely needed time getting there. When we had just gotten the diagnosis, and when we had just lost our daughter, there is no way that I had the strength to think about eating healthy food and exercising. It was not the most important thing to focus on. I like the advice of taking things one meal at a time. Be gentle with yourself and don't try to do too much - taking the time to grieve is very important. 

[littleg]

Thanks Raineyrk.  I'm sorry for the lost off your daughter - 30 weeks, that is awful.  I hope you have your rainbow baby by now

[AES4355]

Nothing matters but the kindness you can extend to yourself. This is a beautiful column about such loss by Cheryl Strayed when she was writing under her alias "Dear Sugar" for the Rumpus: http://therumpus.net/2010/07/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-44-how-you-get-unstuck/

[littleg]

Thank you for posting that.

[Raineyrk]

Thanks Raineyrk.  I'm sorry for the lost off your daughter - 30 weeks, that is awful.  I hope you have your rainbow baby by now

Sorry, I just saw this! Thank you. We don't yet... this is our sixth cycle TTC. If we do conceive this cycle, our rainbow would have almost the same due date as our angel... So I have some mixed feelings about TTC this month. We'll see what happens