SusanB. Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 I have some travel coming up, and I've managed to work out everything except one single lunch out at a restaurant. For complicated reasons, I am not going to be able to really depose the waiter on what is made with what. I can ask a few questions, but the situation is one where I need to minimize the degree to which it sticks out that I'm "on a diet" where I "can't eat certain things". Please trust me on this - "get over that and ask all the questions that you need to" is distinctly NOT an option. (Put it this way: were it an option, I likely wouldn't need Whole30 to undo a lifetime of maladaptive eating habits). So here's the menu: http://www.themodernnyc.com/menus/#savory-menu I'm thinking that options include: - steak tartare hold the croutons - Cauliflower and almonds, hold the cheddar (not sure if that would be possible if it's melted in or something) - roasted beets, hold the ricotta - slow-baked sea bass (can call and ask if they can make the turnips NOT glazed) - pan-roasted salmon, black trumpets and horseradish - roasted pork loin, plums, onions, and mustard Does anyone see anything among these choices that could have hidden non-compliant ingredients? All I need to do is get through lunch in a compliant manner without having to talk about what I'm eating to the people I'm with. I am going to great lengths to stay compliant for the rest of my trip (bringing all of my other meals, basically), so if it's not a perfect template meal...I'm willing to let that go for the day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators SugarcubeOD Posted January 26, 2016 Moderators Share Posted January 26, 2016 Your best bet in this situation is to call the restaurant now and talk to them. I can think of non compliant things in almost everything you've listed and if you're not able to grill the waiter at the time (which is fine) then call the restaurant during a non busy time and talk about the food. I would worry about soy or sugar in the steak tartare Butter on the roasted beats Butter on the cauliflower soy, sugar and wine in the horseradish Sugar and butter on the roasted pork loin It's quite likely that with this menu, you can easily get around grains and major dairy but soy, sugar, butter are going to be those hidden ingredients that you need to ask about. As well, I would ask about oils if you're going to call. Ideally they'd cook in avocado oil or olive oil (or, truly ideally, animal fat) but the one you really want to stay away from is soy oil. If they use canola or seed oil, that's not ideal but it's allowed in the context of eating out on the program. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SusanB. Posted January 26, 2016 Author Share Posted January 26, 2016 Thank you for your input - the suggestions for what might be hidden where is exactly the kind of thing I was hoping the brain trust could help out with. I'll give a call during what I hope is a slow period and see if I can come up with something. I was really hoping for tartare and one of the veggie dishes, but Dijon mustard and/or Worcestershire in the beef appears to be pretty standard. I'm really struggling with this, because I do enough travel that figuring out how to conquer situations like these are a big enough issue that I've been trying to minimize my travel because of it. For a person with disordered eating habits (when I'm not on-plan), I hate the idea of giving food this kind of primary importance in my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators SugarcubeOD Posted January 26, 2016 Moderators Share Posted January 26, 2016 Did you want to share with us why you don't want to ask the waiter in front of this group of people? It indeed does sound like a situation that needs to be conquered if it's an ongoing issue. There are a lot of people here who have come back from disordered eating, poor relationships with food and even poor relationships with other people/themselves around food. I know you don't want 'just buck up and grill the waiter' advice but there may be some other tips or tricks we can help with to get these types of situations feeling more comfortable for you? If you don't feel comfortable sharing, that's okay too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laura_juggles Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 Honestly, it's The Modern, so I would assume that everything on that menu is cooked in butter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SusanB. Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 Did you want to share with us why you don't want to ask the waiter in front of this group of people? It indeed does sound like a situation that needs to be conquered if it's an ongoing issue. There are a lot of people here who have come back from disordered eating, poor relationships with food and even poor relationships with other people/themselves around food. I know you don't want 'just buck up and grill the waiter' advice but there may be some other tips or tricks we can help with to get these types of situations feeling more comfortable for you? If you don't feel comfortable sharing, that's okay too It's one of those things...when I talk about it, people throw out simple "solutions". But I'm in my mid 40's, I've had a lot of time to work on these issues. If any of these helpful suggestions were an option that worked, then it wouldn't be a problem! I'm not sure I can be brief about it, but my mom is a lifetime anorexic/bulimic. I'm an only child, my parents divorced when I was little. [For anyone who understands, the only child/single mom relationship is like no other - it's not a coincidence that three of my closest friends are women who grew up like this as well.] My mom was a fat little kid, and as soon as she could control what she put in her mouth, she got scary skinny (her high school pictures are frightening). When I was a child, she yo-yoed from skeletal to overweight. Purging behaviors during the bulimic cycles. Overeaters Anonymous meetings (I found her notebooks with "I will not eat Susie's food today" written 100 times). She passed out once at the airport when I was about six, some stranger pulled me aside and asked "does she eat enough?" All in all: not a pretty picture. I was not a fat kid - but that didn't stop my mom from beating disordered messages about food and weight into me. I was about seven when I remember her calling up my dad at the end of my summer visit screaming at him that he made me fat. She had the "don't raise your child to be a fat adult" book on the shelf. So the refrain at my house was "don't eat all of your food". I started drinking Tab right around the same time my friends were allowed to drink regular soda. Food around the house consisted of "things mom doesn't like and won't be tempted by". She wasn't concerned about my eating healthy, just about my not getting fat. As you can imagine, whenever I was out of her sight/care, I gobbled as much junk food as I could. Usually sweets. And I'm still struggling with bingeing behavior to this day. No purging though - I'm a severe emetophobe. Not difficult to see the genesis of THAT issue, yeah? Anyway, the story is longer and more involved that that, even, but I've had good counseling with excellent therapists and psychiatrists over the years, and I've finally come to a decent place with limit-setting. To this day, the first thing she will mention is my weight when she sees me. If I was looking thinner when she saw me last, she will mention it when we're on the phone "oh honey, you looked so nice in that dress last April". But since my early 30's, the deal I struck with myself is my weight and diet are not a topic of conversation in which I will engage. Full stop. When my mom brings it up, I tell her "we're not discussing my weight". When I'm coming for a visit and she asks "what are you eating these days" I tell her "we are not discussing what I eat". If we're on the phone and she persists, I tell her "I'm ending this conversation, you can call me back if you want to discuss something other than my weight/appearance" (her obsession with my appearance isn't limited to weight - my teenage acne, dark hair on my arms, it was all fair game). All of that said, we have forged an excellent relationship as adults...provided I stay within the limits that I've set. I know that sounds nutty, but her major failures as a parent are pretty limited to this arena - and I know they come from a place where she had to struggle with her own upbringing. There are many levels on which I have much appreciation and respect for the woman that she is. So, you see where this is going...lunch is going to be with my mom, and also with a longtime friend who is very judgmental about "people on restrictive diets". She's a moderator, always has been. I am an abstainer. If she gets so much as a hint that I'm "not eating" [broad categories of foods], I'll get concern-trolled about how "it's not healthy to eliminate entire food groups, even sugar, because you'll eventually fall off the wagon". She'll also want to know whether I've brought this up with my shrink, and how "you need to get to the root of why you treat your body this way" (overeating, binge eating, eating way too much sugar). Needless to say... I just don't want to give either of them an entree into these issues. I'm not going to change my friend - and after a dozen or so years of limit-setting with my mom, I can confidently say that I'm never going to change her on these topics either. I've found a peace that I can live with - the price right now is not being able to have a long and detailed chat with the server about "what kind of oil" and "is there sugar in that". I have a huge amount of support from my dad and stepmother, from my closest friends, from my partner (on the 30 with me). I have a good relationship with my shrink where we can discuss the root causes of the way I treat my body. I really feel like I'm in a reasonable emotional frame of mind, and I feel good about what I'm doing. But damnit, I just want to be able to have lunch without opening this box of worms with these two. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators SugarcubeOD Posted January 27, 2016 Moderators Share Posted January 27, 2016 Susan! I have a small internet crush on you right now! Thank you so much for sharing your story and I absolutely am NOT going to share any simple 'solutions'... and I certainly hope after reading your story, no one else does either. I can totally see why people WOULD want to offer a solution or a fix because in their mind their idea is going to remove the pain from the experience for you... not really the way it works and I've had to be very clear in my life with a few friends that if I tell you something, I'm not looking for you to fix it or solve it...just to listen and be in the moment with me... everything doesn't have a simple solution... I admire the boundaries that you've set with your mom so that you can feel comfortable in the relationship. As adults we should be able to decide what we want to discuss and not discuss and with whom but with parents it can be so much more difficult. I think when we show ourselves respect by standing up for ourselves, it teaches others to respect us too. It sounds like your mom probably has a lot of issues that surround why she behaves like that and while that is tragic for her, it's not for you to wear... Good for you for knowing that! Single parents/chilldren are a difficult kind of relationship I believe. My sister and I were raised by a single mom and to this day trying to define that she's the mom and not the third sister is still difficult... we know the reasons that she behaves the way she does sometimes but at the same time, knowing a reason doesn't excuse poor behavior. Did you call the restaurant to see about the oils and cooking methods? That really is the best option for a situation like yours where you don't want to ask questions at the time. Another thought is that you can order and then excuse yourself to the washroom once the waiter/waitress leaves and have a private chat with them near the kitchen if you feel that something is going to be a problem despite all your research. You may not need to do this but having a plan in your back pocket like that might make you feel more comfortable. Lastly, congratulations on finding Whole30 and counselling and everything else you've done over the years to heal from this. It's not easy, it's not cheap and it's sometimes not a lot of fun but it's necessary and courageous and I just want to give you a great big hug!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SusanB. Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 I can totally see why people WOULD want to offer a solution or a fix because in their mind their idea is going to remove the pain from the experience for you... Wow. So as a chronic over-thinker, I get into this situation rather often: being offered fixes that fail to appreciate the complexities of the issues involved...inevitably "solutions" that I've played out already and determined can not work. Hence...why [whatever] is a problem. But I have never thought of that knee-jerk solve-it reaction the way you've described. I guess it sounds simple, but thanks for offering it up - maybe it will help me get frustrated with folks who do this less often? Did you call the restaurant to see about the oils and cooking methods? That really is the best option for a situation like yours where you don't want to ask questions at the time. Another thought is that you can order and then excuse yourself to the washroom once the waiter/waitress leaves and have a private chat with them near the kitchen if you feel that something is going to be a problem despite all your research. You may not need to do this but having a plan in your back pocket like that might make you feel more comfortable. Lastly, congratulations on finding Whole30 and counselling and everything else you've done over the years to heal from this. It's not easy, it's not cheap and it's sometimes not a lot of fun but it's necessary and courageous and I just want to give you a great big hug!! Hug accepted, and small internet crush returned! I haven't called yet - busy day at work, hoping to get it in tomorrow. And I love the suggestion about tracking down the server to ask follow-up questions - why I hadn't thought about that, who knows? I am definitely happy that I found W30 - it's been a lot of work, so SO much work since I live alone and have an office job full-time + commute. My SAD "Dinner" of a baguette & Brie never took any time or effort. But the benefits to my physical and emotional health have been immeasurable during previous 30s. I am overweight with IBS, thyroid issues, PCOS, depression/anxiety, and pre-diabetes: something had to change. As my mother (irony not missed on me) said many years ago when I was diagnosed with PCOS - do I want to deal with lifestyle changes now or do I want to get up in the middle of the night to measure my blood sugar when I'm diabetic? Thank you so very much for your input. I like to think that I'm pretty self-aware ("I might have a lot of issues, but denial isn't one of them", I like to say), but some discussion can always help illuminate fuzzy situations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SusanB. Posted February 1, 2016 Author Share Posted February 1, 2016 Wellll, success and maybe not success. Trip was a success - minimal discussions of my weight and diet! A lovely visit with my mum, actually. Packing food for the whole trip was...a success! Managed to pack mostly-template meals (could have used more fat at one or two of them), and that all worked. Lunch was...a qualified success. I managed to ask if the fish could be prepared "dairy-free", and they obliged. BUT...I'm not convinced that there wasn't some on the veg (which I asked for "plain"). I could have pressed it, but the visit with my mom and my friend was going so well. So a decision to make, I guess. Re-start or not. I'm going with "not", but only because I'm trying to stick with a Whole90 (30 has never been enough for me to set new cooking habits and slay the sugar dragon), and the demoralizing effect of "I screwed it up" would far outweigh any benefit I think. I'm sure I'll get 30 consecutive days without any off-plan diversions in there somewhere. For me, even just sticking to shopping, cooking, and eating three template meals a day is such a divergence from the way I had been eating that I have to believe there is still forward momentum even if there was a non-compliant ingredient in there. I've reset my mental clock so that day 30 is now 30 days after the day after that lunch, but it's buried in the hope of 90-ish days, so I'm not even sure how much it matters. The days are kind of just a number now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators SugarcubeOD Posted February 1, 2016 Moderators Share Posted February 1, 2016 I'm SO HAPPY to hear that you had a nice visit with your mom! I was thinking about you over the weekend! I think your decision is a wise one, especially if you've reset in your head from the lunch date forward... The thing is that the 30 days does matter... even if the days are just numbers now, you do owe it to yourself to do the full 30 compliant days... you offered that to yourself as a gift and now you are going to cash in on the gift. It's definitely easier that you're doing an extended Whole30... but I really hope for you that you get 30 consecutive days and then you resoundingly celebrate that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SusanB. Posted February 1, 2016 Author Share Posted February 1, 2016 Thank you! I get what you're saying, and no, I will not have considered myself having had a successful Whole30 unless I actually get 30 days consecutive during this 90. 90...or however many long it takes for the shopping and the cooking to be the new normal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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