Diary of a Food Addict

[SDzombieGirl]

Hi. My name is Amy and I am a food addict. I am a mother, a girlfriend, and a self proclaimed train wreck when it comes to food. Simply put I am obsessed with food. I am consumed by thoughts of food practically every minute of my waking hours. Food (sugar and processed junk in particular) is like my best friend. If your best friend were to frequently punch you in the face and push you down a flight of stairs. It has been like this for years. And I always crawl right back to my bestie and justify the abuse with the small fleeting moments of pleasure that I gain from its delicious embrace. So yeah, I seem to have some food issues.

Today is Day 3 of my 3rd attempt at a Whole30 (which I fully expect will turn into a Whole45 or Whole60 since my reliance on food as comfort, strength, love, and acceptance goes much deeper than any normal person could possibly fathom). I am absolutely sure that someone along the way will read this and completely understand where I am coming from. None of my "real life" friends can relate. But it is true magic when you can tell someone that you not once, but twice, have eaten out of the trash can at work and not have them react with complete and utter horror. Those people are my people. We are cut from the same cloth. They get me and I get them. We have an unspoken bond. Other people just think I am a nut. And that's okay too.

So anyway, attempt number 1 was pretty much everything I expected from my research (and Whole30 Daily emails). It was bad, it was ugly, it was rewarding, it was exhilarating, it was hard, it was yummy, and it was awesome. Until it wasn't. All it took was a moment. In that one teeny tiny moment on Day 14 I chose a rice krispy treat over my health. Although in my defense I do make the best rice krispy treats in the entire world. I had made them for my kids...and for reasons I won't elaborate on they were in a locked suitcase (don't judge me and my methods!) which found itself unlocked. So I made sweet sweet love to that rice krispy treat. Which then turned into 3 rice krispy treats. And a granola bar. And a bowl of ice cream. And a blueberry pancake with copious amounts of syrup that was squirted directly into my mouth (yes I was raised in a barn). Queue the guilt, the remorse, the weeping, and wailing and being curled up in the fetal position wishing I could undo the choices I made in those all too quick 15 minutes. Story of my life.

The next day I started over. I didn't beat myself up or hate myself or tell myself I was a failure. Those 14 days had been a great learning experience and I was ready to put all that new found knowledge to work and kick some a$$ on my second attempt. On day 2 that all came crashing down as I realized how far away day 14 was and how disappointed I was that I wasn't strong enough to overcome my moment of weakness and stick to my Whole30. Where there is guilt and self loathing there will also be ice cream. And blueberry pancakes. And maple syrup. Oh my.

Now. Now is where it gets good people. Now is where I turn the corner and put my past 2 attempts behind me and work hard and stay focused and finish this out like the champion I am. And by champion I mean classic underachiever that has social anxiety, absolutely no athletic prowess, and might have early onset bladder control issues. I plan on checking in here M-F to keep myself accountable and have something to look back on when the going gets tough.

Keep calm and Whole30 people. Day 3 is in the bag!

[ladyhoward]

It's so good to read this. For starters, you have a great talent for writing - I would look forward to reading your other posts for that reason alone. However, I look forward to reading your updates for more than just reading your funny way of describing yourself and your "unique" habits . I can relate to every single solitary word you said. I have made it through a Whole30 and felt great, but since then I have run myself over by falling off the wagon and soothing my sore butt with sugar and other processed food. I used to call it processed junk, but let's face it. If we're honest with ourselves, we really don't think of it as junk - all those treats are like little pieces of heaven. That's the paradox for sure. We want what we shouldn't want, and we love what could potentially kill us. We're like the girls that stay in an abusive relationship because sometimes "it's not so bad". I am right there with you in your journey - it matches my own, right down to the early onset bladder control issues! Jumping jacks are the worst, BTW. We're all here for you as you make your way through a Whole30 and beyond. I'm not sure why this has to be so hard, but we just need to do it. The end. We need to take it one bite at a time, one meal at a time, and not even attempt to look beyond that for fear of crawling right back into the fetal position we have just come out of. Day 3 is in the bag for you already, and day 4 will be too - I know it! Best of luck to you!!

[MJam]

I want to give you a big ass hug for being so big and bold in your post. That takes some serious guts to admit a lot of the things that you admitted and being honest with yourself really is the first step.

I'll own up to having eaten out of a garbage can in my life, to have struggled with disordered eating and to have looked for love in all the wrong packages. I too have tumbled down the sugary slope of one treat leading to hours of mindless eating. I have locked food away to only have it become unlocked (how did that happen?) I have worked out to punish myself, I have let the scale judge my worth. I have yo yoed and berated myself in my head for years.

But who you were doesn't have to be who you are (thank you nerdfitness) if you want this, you can have it. For me what is different this time than every other time is I am working on the mental more than the physical because really when you do that, everything else follows.

I am proud of you and what is that old saying....fall down a thousand times, get up a thousand and one. You got this and we are all here for you.

[Derval]

Sending another big ass hug your way.

I look fwd to following your success.

[Ayla2010]

Hi. My name is Amy and I am a food addict. I am a mother, a girlfriend, and a self proclaimed train wreck when it comes to food. Simply put I am obsessed with food. I am consumed by thoughts of food practically every minute of my waking hours. Food (sugar and processed junk in particular) is like my best friend. If your best friend were to frequently punch you in the face and push you down a flight of stairs. It has been like this for years. And I always crawl right back to my bestie and justify the abuse with the small fleeting moments of pleasure that I gain from its delicious embrace. So yeah, I seem to have some food issues.

wow putting it like this reminds me of exactly how it is for me, I never thought of it like this too.

I am excited about following your journey, you can do it

[Breezygoat]

There are a million different roads travelled to get to W30, but no matter where we are coming from we all get to look forward to the same results: health, confidence and a support system.

Welcome, and rock on!

[kb0426]

Your comedic approach to a painfully honest confession is like looking into a mirror.

Oh the crazy things I have done in my life due to food.

Looking forward to watching you succeed this time!

[SarahEmily]

Oh wow, I really like you post! I think most of us here can probably relate to that in some way! I know I can. I wish you well on your whole30! You can do it.. PS also make sure you're eating enough whole30 food. For me sometimes it feels like i have even slightly overeaten, but I notice that when I eat like this it keeps me going for hours, I don't get hungry all day and the binge monster doesn't come out in full force after dinner

[craving4more]

You are all amazingly brave. You choose not to give up. Every day is a battle and a fight, and you are holding your own.

I get it. I know it.

Do not give up.

Rather than call my self a procrastinator, I've determined that I have an inborn (or perhaps learned) response to hold on ever so tightly to the familiar things in my life. No matter how uncomfortable or damaging those things may be – habit and lifestyle speaking – for some reason, my entire enterprise seems to be determined to just hold on. The discomfort and distress caused by my habits and patterns are what I know best and continually engaging in them keeps me inside my dark and tiny little box, which is secure. This is a fascinating concept to me. It's cold and it's dark in here. I can see the light outside, the bright sun and liberty that surrounds my box. It looks amazing and wonderful. There are times when my weary legs gain strength and begin to propel me forward. Ever so slightly I begin to crawl into the colorful greenery outside, reaching for the radiant blue sky and the filtered Light of Freedom, yet I find my fingertips wrapped so very tightly around the withering edges of my cozy, dark “home,†clinging to the rough edges, that I simply cannot let go. I look back into the unlit and murky box. It's so murky and stale in there. Painfully small and restricted, lonely. But it's mine. I know every single corner, every bump in the base and sideboards. I know exactly which position hurts most and what the outcome of each and every moment inside will be. I turn my head again to the world outside. Fresh air, color and Light in the distance. My heart races. I'm almost there. BUT, as appealing as the new seems to be, it's just that. It's new. Unknown, unexplored, vast, boundless, and unfamiliar. I see the Light. I know it's there. I choose to crawl back inside the box, clutching tightly the well worn sides of my “home,†making the decision not to let go today.

The tempting familiarity of my box wins once again. It's cold and dark, but it's my cold and dark, and I know it well. That's what matters. Does it really? I think again. I won't give up. I'm going to let the Light IN. I cannot make it out today, but I'm going to let that Light IN. Rather than let that darkness that surrounds me engulf and swallow me as well, I will lift my hands in praise, receiving all that is offered to me. The Freedom that exists is a gift. It is there. I may not be capable of running towards it just yet, but it WILL fill me and it WILL change me. With arms open wide, I close my eyes. I see that Light rush inside, vanquishing the emptiness inside. Blessings and praises. I'm so very full of Light there is no longer room for anything else at all. I am beaming and radiant with The Light.

Not all of us are able to let go quite yet. Open your arms. Open your heart. Let the light inside.

‘Tis the season of light. Bless you.

[SDzombieGirl]

Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who is wishing me success and can relate to my struggles and have walked a mile in my shoes (which, BTW, are 4 inch heels M-F because I like to intimidate my male coworkers by being 6'1").

Ladyhoward--I already have a soft spot in my heart for you because of your user name. If I could run off and marry a 7 foot tall basketball player that has the body of a Greek God and the goofy child-like humor of a teenage boy it would be Dwight Howard. My baby making days are over but in his presence I think my eggs would spontaneously jump from my ovaries in an attempt to have a little Dwight growing in my womb. I am soooo happy to hear you had a successful Whole30...but I had a hunch that the really hard part comes after the Whole30 when you realize you need a game plan for the rest of your life so you don't fall back into old habits and wind up having the wagon repeatedly run you over while you lay on the ground in a drunken sugar-fueled daze. I am sending good thoughts your way lady!

MJam--thanks for the big ass hug. Internet fist bump and knuckles coming right back at ya! I do want this and your encouragement means a ton--so thank you! I really hope your Whole30 has helped you overcome some of the issues we have in common. You are more than a number on a scale! I'd love to know how you've been doing and if you've made some marked improvements in any of the areas you struggle with. I figure if we can't laugh at the ridiculousness of being like raccoons and foraging through trash cans what else could we possibly laugh at? Life is too short : )

Derval--thank you so much. I look forward to basking in my success...which will come in the form of wearing a bikini this summer!

Ayla2012--thanks for being willing to follow my journey! I hope you I remind you of how it USED TO BE for you because being stuck in this cycle is nothing short of being in purgatory. I plan on doing as many Whole30s as it takes for me to become the person I know I can be. We should not be slaves to food. I'm pretty sure Abe Lincoln abolished that in 1864...in addition to being a bad a$$ vampire hunter. Best president ever? Yeah, I'd say so.

Breezygoat--my road to W30 might be a bumpy one but it's much better than never having found this road at all : ) Thanks for your well wishes!

kb0426--I tend to mask a lot of things in life with humor. When you are an ugly duckling until your 20's you basically have to develop a personality if you have any hopes for procreating with someone that you didn't meet while in costume at Comic-Con. Yet somehow I still married an a$$ hat...

SarahEmily--I sometimes feel like I've overeaten too. Like on Saturday when I had 2 tangerines after my breakfast...and then went back for 8 more. I have now banned tangerines from being in my house. They are tiny tasty little bastards that I can't resist even if I am not hungry. If I was stuck between a rock and another rock (like that guy in the movie) and a tangerine was just out of my other arm's reach I would saw my arm off just to get the tangerine. And I would probably then bleed to death while I try to peel it since I don't think they are conducive to being peeled with your feet. Altho to be honest I'd saw my arm off for basically any food. So maybe this story just lost all of its meaning.

craving4more--OMG! I live in that same dark cold box as you did! I would wonder why we hadn't ever seen each other but my night vision is pretty poor and I sort of stay huddled in the corner hugging my knees and rocking myself back in forth in order to self soothe. It sounds like you have braved the storm and fought the battles and done great! I hope you are proud of where you are now because it sounds like you are at the very same place I hope to get to one of these days. The way you worded things actually reminds me of FAA (I know we are supposed to be anonymous and all but if you happen to be a member I will keep it on the down low). Your words have made the thought of recovering from my food addiction all the more beautiful and rewarding. Thank you for giving me a visual that I can hang on to.

Thought of the day: If Jesus could lactate I am pretty sure he would lactate coconut milk. I have aptly nicknamed it "heaven's breast milk." Being the neurotic, calorie obsessed, fat phobic (but awesome) person that I am tho I got the "light" coconut milk at first. I swear they must take equal parts of regular coconut milk and lighter fluid and put that shiz in a can and call it "light". Bleh. I hang my head in shame that I actually bought it. Once again, I can't take other people's word for it. You can tell me it hurts to bang my head into a brick wall with metal spikes protruding from it...but I'm just going to have to bang my head against it anyway.

Day 3 was a breeze and Day 4 is shaping up to be a great one too!

[SarahEmily]

bahahaha you crack me up! don't remind me about that horrible movie though 27 hours was it? glad to hear your 1st few days have gone well! Keep it up!

[melbournegirl]

I think we nearly all start with the light crap coconut milk before being brave enough to change.

Great story!

[craving4more]

Amy, you make me laugh. Coconut milk really is "heaven's breast milk." Next you'll have to try Coconut Cream...or Artisana Coconut Butter!

Anyway, I thought about you all night last night. This is also for you - and all the others. There are not just two.

I'm a Cracked Pot

I am a cracked pot, and so are you.

My life is an open book…or so I thought. I am strikingly honest and open about my feelings and life experiences. In fact, I tend to overshare. My poor husband will certainly attest to this. On a fairly regular basis, unfortunately, following a somewhat self-directed discourse, I find myself worrying, thinking to myself, “Darling, perhaps that may have been just a tad too much information for the innocent soul on the other end of the conversation.†Whether or not my fears and worries surrounding my profound inability to hold back are valid, I have always felt like by allowing others to see my vulnerabilities and imperfections, life becomes that much more real. I appreciate this trait in others as well.

I return to my opening statement – “My life is an open book…OR SO I THOUGHT.†Upon reading and studying an online forum response yesterday, I came to the realization that there really are deep, dark secrets lurking inside that I have never shared, simply out of fear that no one else would truly understand. I am not as exposed as I thought. The suggestion that anyone else survives with similar chattels has always been absolutely inconceivable to me, until yesterday. As I read this woman's account, the gifted and detailed description of her thought process, her actions, her movements – the secrets inside began to unzip, spilling forth small pebbles of heartache. The ache came from grasping the fact that someone else really has felt and experienced this unbearable pain, not just me. But as the pebbles spilled forth, so too came an amazing sense of relief that there really IS someone on earth that understands – that knows. She knows just what I know. Thank you, Amy. You are so very brave. Thank you in so many more ways than one.

More than that, others responded. There are not just two. There are more.

We know.

What we know, may never disappear, but I also know that there IS Freedom and there IS Light. It's there. It's waiting to be received. The Light is simply waiting for the invitation to come inside.

It's through all the cracks in our being that the Light is able to shine.

I have so many cracks – so many – and more and more Light shines through each and every day. It's possible, Amy. The Light IS shining through you – it is beginning to fill the space inside.

We are created for breakthroughs.

Beautiful. Brilliant.

Share this:

[Jo Ferris]

I'm going to be following your story woman! be strong... show yourself who's in charge. you? or crap food? I think since you are here you know the answer is YOU!

the choice to come here and bare your soul like you did puts you one step ahead of the addiction, keep it up.

No one here could/would ever judge you for being honest and seeking accountability where you need it. The only way for true accountability is to know that you have a safe place to tell all. and to get help.

If you are interested in a text buddy, send me a private message and I'll give you my phone # for you to text if you ever are having a weak moment.

i find that If I can text with someone at the crucial moment it really helps... just to get it out there, look at it, know someone else is seeing it too and they can just say, hey... you really don't want this, you think you do ... but you don't. what you want is to be free.

[ladyhoward]

You are truly hilarious. I have a couple of clementines in my lunch bag (one to put in my water to make it taste less like . . . water. And the other to eat with the yummy lunch I packed). After reading the "tiny tasty little bastards" comment, I almost peed my pants. I will never look at clementines the same way again . I'm glad to hear that day 3 went well - hopefully day 4 did too. It's a one day at a time process, even though that's so cliche at this point. Anyone who has gone through, or is going through, this journey though knows that's the truth. Feel free to post your meals as well - reading the logs from others really helped me as it gave me more ideas on things to eat. Just a thought. Good luck!

[SDzombieGirl]

Hello fellow W30-ers! Day 4 was a success and I am feeling fantastic in spite of the rain that is currently pummeling San Diego. Rainy days really drag me down tho. They ruin my hair. The get the dog wet when she runs out on the grass to pee. They increase my commute to work by 30 minutes. They make the stable all muddy which makes my horse all muddy which makes me all muddy which really pisses me off. And they also acerbates my medical condition--I have been diagnosed as the laziest person in the world. True story. My doctor said it himself. I basically have no motivation to do ANYTHING on rainy days. But but but...I still have motivation to stick to my Whole30. So let's talk motivation for a moment here shall we?

To be clear--I am one vain beotch. Let's keep that straight. I have 1-canceled dates with hot guys, 2-called in sick to work, 3-wept uncontrollably--all because of one or two zits on my face. Just so you don't think too harshly about me I will insist that these aforementioned zits needed their own zip codes or at the very least an oxygen tank would be necessary if you were to attempt to climb to the summit of one. I have been known to be dramatic but I kid you not when I say they were huge. A medium sized one would merely require a band aid and a clever cover story about my doctor needing to test a patch of skin for melanoma. Which, sadly enough, I have done at 2 differently places of employment. And while I stand in awe that the good Lord hasn't struck me with lightening because I faked having a cancer scare I think I have ridden that proverbial horse into the ground and can't go that route anymore. Thank heaven for an abundance of sick days!

My main area of vain concern is my good ol' muffin top. As much as I love muffins I do not particularly enjoy likening my belly fat to one. It is horrible and it makes me shutter to even think about it (let alone LOOK at it down there hanging out right above my waist line). I do believe a rational person would purchase new clothes when they have gained enough weight to require lubricant to get into their pants. I am not rational tho. And in addition to being vain I am also cheap. Why buy new clothes when this state of chubbiness is merely temporary? Well, I can think of lots of reasons to buy new clothes...yet I still refuse to do so. In fact, the one pair of jeans that I can actually manage to squeeze my ever-growing buttocks into haven't been washed in 3 months. For reals. It is a scientific fact that if I wash them I will no longer fit into them...and that, ladies and gentlemen, simply will not do. I am pretty sure this is the EXACT situation that someone found themselves in when they invented Fabreeze. I tip my hat to that person...and so does anyone who comes into contact with me when I am wearing those jeans.

Simply put, I dream of being able to put my jeans on and not have them be like sausage casing. Is this too much to ask? No it isn't. So, while the vanity is what piqued my interest in the Whole30 I now find myself sticking it out for a myriad of other reasons. A month ago the thought of being "healthy" meant relatively little to me. If I could be the size I wanted to be and eat a pound of chocolate a day, drink soda, and graze on the sweet manna that is Red Vines I most certainly would have. Yeah, I'd throw a salad in there every once in a while but my main staples would have remained the same--the junk that got me here in the first place. But now things have changed. I have changed. I like how I feel when I eat Good Food. I am sure even a toddler has enough deduction skills to realize that if Good Food=feeling good you might want to just eat Good Food. Apparently I didn't fair too well in the public school system since at the age of 35 I JUST NOW figured that equation out. My constant preoccupation with food is also slowly starting to fade. I had no idea that I could be productive member of society (this might be a stretch) if I wasn't thinking about food every freaking minute of the day. But maybe the best part is that I don't wake up each morning only to have regret and self hatred wash over me like a tidal wave. I think I got so use to hating myself because of my food choices that it just felt normal to wake up and immediately feel like the scum of the earth. It makes me sad to think of how much of that one has to endure before you become numb to it and accept that as your norm. Wow. I'm starting to think I might need therapy.

So while I certainly look forward to being able to wash my jeans one day soon, this journey has already brought me so much more than I hoped it would. I made a choice to change my life for the better on November 23. And while I haven't been perfect I have certainly made a huge improvement over where I use to be. Small steps matter. I commend everyone who is on this journey--no matter where you are along the way. Stay dry and Whole30!

[Jo Ferris]

you may actually need therapy if you continue to over think things.

in the meantime, just let go and enjoy your freedom for now.

My tastebuds have seriously changed on this program. I had bacon a few days ago and I didn't like it. serious WTF moment.

I bought procuitto and didn't like it. It's shaken the core of my being! i love those things!

or at least I used to.

keep talking and keep laughing at yourself... and crying if you need to... but you are on your journey... well onto it, just keep it up.

[ladyhoward]

From one muffin top to another, I can assure you that in time, staying on this program WILL change your body compositon. On about Day 24 of my first Whole 30, I went to put on a sweater that I hadn't worn in a long time because it felt too "clingy" (read: my waist looked too fat in it). I took a chance on putting it on, and I'm so glad I did - my stomach was almost flat and my waist had that nice hourglass look to it that I thought only happened on everyone else. Since then, I can see where my off-roading has gone - straight to my waist and my thighs! I have been back on the program for a few days now and I can already see a difference. It's amazing the damage that poor blood sugar regulation and inflammation can do in such a short period of time, let alone what I was doing to myself with all those years of poor choices. But, it's one day at a time now for me - sometimes one meal at a time. You will get there too - you're already feeling the great mental effects of the program so far - the physical ones will fall into place in time as well! Just don't be too disappointed if you don't end up fitting into those jeans . . . after all, you may just find that they don't fit anymore because THEY'RE TOO BIG now .

[Carlaccini]

Hi! I'm a little late to the party here! Congrats on joining the whole 30 and I hope you have an awesome one!

I can relate to you at so many levels. I wasn't quite at the point of digging garbage - but I can relate as I *have* thought about it. I can relate in terms of the making of baked goodies - hiding them and then they magically disappear! And then the guilt of it all. But then you keep going back as you just want to feel good once more. Enjoy that feeling once more. And yes you care about your number going up on the scale but somehow in that moment - it just doesn't matter.

Oh yes and adding the heels? Yep I totally can get behind that. At the last place I worked I would wear heels just to annoy my boss. (He had issues) I too come in around 6'1" with my heels. I used to get a kick out of the annoyed look I would get from him because I dared being taller than he was.

As for the good ol muffin top. I second Lady Howard's comment that it does disappear. Jean's that were previously boardering on the too tight are now quite loose. The weight loss was only one of the many benefits that the whole 30 gave me. I am still counting them!

[SarahEmily]

Love the story that was a good read! you're doing well and i'm glad you're doing this for your health as well as your hips

[SDzombieGirl]

Sometimes no news is good news. Sometimes no news is bad news…or more specifically sometimes it means that I am stuffing my face too much to get on the computer to make a post about my botched W30. Or I'm curled up like a kitten crying because out of all the gifts God has given me self control, self love, and the ability to be rational are nowhere to be found. Believe me--I've looked.

Today is day 10 simply because I refuse to start my Daily 30 emails over AGAIN. I by no means deserve to still consider this day 10. I've had some hard days recently and Day 6 was where it started to go downhill. I got a gift basket from a health carrier I work with…a yummy, delicious, beautiful gift basket. But I did the smart thing. I gave away everything that I couldn't have and simply kept the 2 cans of almonds that were W30 approved (in moderation). Of course I completely ignored that fact that I have no self control. Where moderation should be found there is a great big void in my life. It's all or nothing. Which I know about myself. I recognize it. I accept it. I work hard to change it and almost always fail. It's a process though. My intention was to take the above mentioned almonds home where they would be locked up and divided out in very small amounts. That was my first mistake. Even keeping the almonds was a bad idea. I had already promised myself no nuts on the W30 because I know they are one of my triggers. I know I can't eat just 10 of them. Or 20. Or 30. I. Must. Eat. Them. All.

And that is what I did. I sat at my desk and in the matter of 30 minutes I ate 2 whole cans of almonds. And I immediately hated myself. I loathed myself. I couldn't believe what I had just done. But it was okay. I could still salvage the day. But I didn't. I proceeded to buy myself a bag of dates while the kids and I were at the grocery store. And then ate the whole bag because that is what I do. I buy something and promise to only eat a few…but that first bite always snowballs into a mass consumption. Unfortunately it didn't end there. I then went home and ate even more random W30 food. I went to bed cloaked in the all-too-familiar shame of the last 3 years of my life. Day 6 was a hard day.

Day 7 was better. I made good choices and went to bed feeling like I could really get back on track and make my W30 successful and rewarding and keep learning the lessons that I know I so greatly need to learn.

Day 8 and Day 9 were not good days tho. Let's just say that day 8 involved having 2 back-to-back (huge!) dinners and not 1 pound but 2 pounds of strawberries very shortly after. Day 9 brought with it an IDENTICAL gift basket from another health carrier and I proceeded to make the IDENTICAL bad choices that I did on Day 6. By 1pm yesterday my belly was once again full of 2 cans of almonds and there isn't even a scale which would register the self-hatred I was once again feeling towards myself. I felt sick the rest the day and once again went to bed in a haze of disgrace.

So today is Day 10. I feel bummed and frustrated and disappointed with myself. But I'm certainly not going to quit. I knew this journey would take far longer than 30 days to even scratch the surface of my food issues. I guess I just didn't expect to stumble this much or to feel so beat up about it when I did. I so desperately want that feeling of pride and accomplishment back (like my first 13 days)…I want to fix the things that are broken and experience the freedom of not being controlled by food. But it's hard. And humbling. So…one meal at a time…one day at a time….I'm still choosing to fight this out. Day 10 is going to be the day I turn things around.

[craving4more]

It IS hard. You are absolutely right. It IS humbling. BUT, you also know that this is a process - one meal at a time, or even one thought at a time. You are making the right choice. We are all very proud of you. Look at the great days - or the great moments - all that you've accomplished. Remember Day 7. You CAN DO THIS! We are all here for you.

[SDzombieGirl]

It IS hard. You are absolutely right. It IS humbling. BUT, you also know that this is a process - one meal at a time, or even one thought at a time. You are making the right choice. We are all very proud of you. Look at the great days - or the great moments - all that you've accomplished. Remember Day 7. You CAN DO THIS! We are all here for you.

Thank you Ashley!!

[Carlaccini]

You have to stop beating yourself up over this. It isn't healthy and you don't accomplish anything with it. Ashley is so spot on by saying it is one meal at a time, one day at a time. When it comes down to it there are days that we make some lousy food choices. We would very much like to erase these days completely.

What got me going is that I wanted to prove to everyone that I could do this! Because people around me said I couldn't. I wanted to prove them wrong.

So clearly you have a snacking dragon. And telling it no half way through is not an option for you. It's all or nothing. I'm kind of like that too! For instance - I love to bake. I only like cooking. But baking? it relaxes me. Not only because I know there will be something ooey and gooey and chocolatey at the end of the baking, but the whole process relaxes me. The whole 30 changed that. Because I knew I couldn't not bake something and simply not taste it. So I took up knitting and knitted a pair of sock for my BF for Christmas. Now knitting will never ever take the place of baking. But it did relax me and keep me focused, away from snacking.

[ladyhoward]

I think there is a misconception with a Whole30 and It Starts With Food. It starts with food, but the journey doesn't end with food. It's not just about eating compliant food, it's so much more than that - just as you are figuring out. The eating good food part is actually the easy part in that there are strict guidelines about what is and is not compliant. That's pretty black and white. The rest of the process is where it gets hard - the part where you're dealing with your demons. The snack dragon, the sugar dragon, the mindless eating, the poor planning dragon that tells you to just get fast food when you forget your lunch, the social dragon that tells you that you don't want to look weird in front of your coworkers so just get the same crap to eat that they are. And on and on. For as many people as we have on this forum, there are just as many demons that we are all fighting. And there's no cut-and-dried method that we can follow, no checklist to check off at the end of the day (I wish there was - my Type A self would LOVE that - especially if it was in a brand-new binder!). As the others have said, take it one moment at a time. Put your head in the game and really focus on not just what you're eating but the why as well. I can't wait to hear your success story - and it WILL come. It doesn't matter when - it WILL come. And we will all celebrate with you when it does .