andylouck1984 Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 It all started about two years ago. Well, if I'm going to be honest, it started way before then. In middle school, to be exact. Circa...oh, 1990? The struggles with food. Or, really, the struggles with comparisons, identity, rejection. Ultimately the struggle with feeling not enough. Fast forward way too many years to March 1, 2012, the morning my husband left. And logically, my mind tells me it's because of his own issues, his own demons. But my heart says the same thing I've been hearing for 23 years - you are not enough. And so I eat to sabotage myself. I exercise to punish myself. And always with me is the guilt. The repeated refrain of "not enough, not enough." I vow to do better next time. To force myself to be more perfect. But it catches up with me again and I find myself in the same cycle. Since that morning last March, there hasn't been a day I haven't wrestled with myself over food. Not an hour has gone by that I haven't spent at least one minute thinking about food or feeling guilty about what I ate or making empty promises to myself. During high times when I think I might have it slightly together, it is still there in my mind - not quite enough. And during low times like last week when I lost my job and went through a painful breakup, it is a constant soundtrack - not enough, not enough, not enough. I am tired, ready for a change, looking for the road back to freedom. And I have a daughter now who's five and constantly watching me. I want to save her from the fight I've fought for all these years. And that starts with living a life of freedom myself. I found It Starts With Food on the Kindle website and read it in one sitting. It makes sense to me and I've dabbled in the Paleo lifestyle before and had great results when I stick with it. But it's more than that. It's about changing my deep-seated habits and my relationship with food. My relationship with myself. It's about taking care of myself for my daughter's sake and my own. Stopping the thoughts of being not enough and replacing them with the realization - the hope - that maybe I am enough right now, this moment. So I start tomorrow and my goals are simple... 1. Take care of myself by getting 7 hours of sleep and by spending at least 15 minutes a night doing something that I love. 2. Instead of arguing with myself about food during meals, I will sit at the table and look into my daughter's eyes and listen to her precious little voice. 3. I will be brave enough to share my ups and downs, my fears, my fights during this process. I've kept it in the dark, trying to seem perfect, for way too long. It's time to admit that even though I'm not perfect, I already am the perfect version of me. Here's to a new day. To the road back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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