Grief and The Whole30

[pesmith929]

Okay---I'm crying as I'm typing but I could REALLY use some support. I am starting a Whole30 on January 2nd to not only help with my physical person but to see if it helps with grief. My husband of 25 years  passed away suddenly on November 30, 2013. I took him to the ER 11/29/13 at 730pm thinking he had an appendicitis (as did the nurses and doctors) only to find out at 12:06am, fter the CT scan,  that he had metastasized cancer throughout his abdominal cavity. He passed away at 12:53pm. He was fine all day Friday and gone by 1:00 on Saturday. I am still trying to catch my breath. After 4 weeks of sitting, eating everything in sight (wonderful friends that brought tons of food),Xanax during the day and Ambian at night, crying, etc. I am going to try and pull myself up and chase away Depression and Grief with healthier eating and exercise. If anyone out there has a similar experience or can tell me how I get through this whole thing-----wonderful. I am posting this to journal and help keep my sanity.

[GFChris]

First off, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I empathize, as I lost my father to cancer in 2011.

Grief affects everyone differently. In your case, it sounds like you weren't prepared at all, which I'm guessing makes it even more shocking. As I explained to friends/family, for me, it took a while for my heart to catch up with my head.

 

This is an optimum time to practice extreme self care. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself, live with and process your grief. You will likely find it's a roller coaster for a while: some days you'll be ok, some days you'll feel like you were hit by a truck, and others you will find yourself laughing.

 

While it sounds trite, I found it best to take one day at a time. Delay any major decisions for as long as you can - you're likely in a bit of a fog right now.  There will be times you'll want to be alone, and other times you'll want company. Honor how you're feeling in the moment.

[sjosey77]

 I am so sorry for your loss.  I can't even imagine your pain.  You are a brave woman for wanting to take this on as a way to deal with your sadness.  Let me just say it is totally normal to want to find a way to make the pain stop and if this is a way for you, then go for it.  I would encourage you to keep a journal during this time so that when you are having a bad day that you can go back and see how far you have come.

 

This whole situation is going to be a process and what I mean by that is your entire world changed completely and unexpectedly.  Give yourself time to grieve your loss and the changes that you didn't know were going to happen due to this huge life change. 

 

If anyone here can help, just ask. It is a great support system and you have a ton of people who can help or offer advice.  Mine is limited to your situation but that doesn't mean my heart doesn't go out to you.  Please take some time for yourself to just breathe. 

[Applegirl]

I am so sorry.  I have nothing to add, but I will pray for you. 

[Wynne Jones]

I don't have a similar experience, but I can tell you that when I did my Whole 30 it felt life-affirming, like I was nourishing myself in every way and really taking care of myself. By the end of the Whole 30 I had a level of serenity and calm that was practically unshakeable - and I have a teenager!

 

I will say, though, that I was not able to complete a W30 the first three times I started. If that happens to you, I hope you'll be gentle with yourself. Keep us posted on how you are doing, and keep reaching out.

[Yolanda]

Unfortunately, I am (almost) in the same place as you.  My 4 year old passed away very unexpectedly on 9/28/13.  Since then, I eat anything and everything.  I have celiac & hashimotos so I really need to get my act together.  It's really hard.  I keep trying and making plans to do a Whole30 but most days it's enough of a battle to get out of bed and care for my other kiddo.  I know it will help with depression and and all but it's sooooo hard to muster up the energy:o(

I'm sorry you lost your husband:-(

[reneenee]

pesmith929 (and Yolanda),

 

I, too, lost my husband recently (5/5/13) in a tragic drowning accident. He was 35. These past 7 months have been unthinkably painful, to say the least. Before my husband's accident, I had completed 3 Whole30's and was, for the most part, free from the "bondage" of sugar, grains, alcohol and dairy. This sudden and painful loss has caused me to make really unhealthy food choices as a way to medicate/comfort myself, because I want to feel good and <insert unhealthy snack of choice here> makes me feel good, albeit temporarily and at a cost.  I am desperately wanting to be strong again and I know that doing a W30 will help reset things and get my mind in a better place in order to heal my heart. 

 

I am going to start Jan. 1, but would love to be in contact with you during this journey, both the Whole30/Whole9 journey AND our grief journey, if you are interested in doing so. We can support and encourage each other. It's nice to be able to relate to others who have a similar experience.

 

Renee

[Rainfall]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband a few years ago unexpectedly too. He was battling a nasty lung infection and mixed over the counter medication with prescription stuff and a drink. The first few weeks were awful, I had panic attacks, I couldn't sleep, would cry every moment I was alone. The holidays were awful (he died end of October) as were all the first anniversaries. But I found a lot of comfort in spending time with my mother in law. At some point, I realized that I needed to honor his memory by being a better person and part of that was becoming healthy, emotionally and physically. Let yourself grieve, but don't give into depression and don't allow yourself to become bitter. Honor your husband's memory, dreams and love by growing as a human being.

[Baroquemama]

I am so very sorry for your loss. We lost my father in law very suddenly last month and so our clean eating went out the window when the planning of his funeral began and we only had time to eat what people were kind enough to bring over. I will say this, for my husband and myself we find doing a whole30 right now to be one part of our life we can have control over in a situation that is otherwise out of our hands. In addition to my father in law dying, my mother in law has cancer and is dying and so it's been very stressful. Doing a whole30 is also helping us sleep better and feel more rested during the day when we need to work, take care of our kids, take care of my husband's mom and grieve, all at the same time.

Hang in there. I wish you luck and I hope you feel the same positive effects we do.

[praxisproject]

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

Be gentle with yourself, take whatever time you need.

There's no expiration date on grief, we all process it in our own time.

 

You may find the extra food preparation time a good distraction, and give you a sense of control. it gives you plenty of things to do, lots of new recipes to try. Don't let "food jail" be something that stops you getting the support you need and if people are asking to help, they can always come over and chop your veggies

 

I think you're very smart and very brave, to use this time for positive life changes.

Hang in there, as you can see, there's plenty of support available, you are not alone.

[pesmith929]

First off, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I empathize, as I lost my father to cancer in 2011.

Grief affects everyone differently. In your case, it sounds like you weren't prepared at all, which I'm guessing makes it even more shocking. As I explained to friends/family, for me, it took a while for my heart to catch up with my head.

 

This is an optimum time to practice extreme self care. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself, live with and process your grief. You will likely find it's a roller coaster for a while: some days you'll be ok, some days you'll feel like you were hit by a truck, and others you will find yourself laughing.

 

While it sounds trite, I found it best to take one day at a time. Delay any major decisions for as long as you can - you're likely in a bit of a fog right now.  There will be times you'll want to be alone, and other times you'll want company. Honor how you're feeling in the moment.

Thank you for your reply. Yes---totally blindsided by his death. I am not planning on making any major decisions for at least 6 months except doing this Whole30, and trying to find places to reach out to others who have experienced similar grief. And you are absolutely correct about the "rollercoaster". 

[pesmith929]

pesmith929 (and Yolanda),

 

I, too, lost my husband recently (5/5/13) in a tragic drowning accident. He was 36. These past 7 months have been unthinkably painful, to say the least. Before my husband's accident, I had completed 3 Whole30's and was, for the most part, free from the "bondage" of sugar, grains, alcohol and dairy. This sudden and painful loss has caused me to make really unhealthy food choices as a way to medicate/comfort myself, because I want to feel good and <insert unhealthy snack of choice here> makes me feel good, albeit temporarily and at a cost.  I am desperately wanting to be strong again and I know that doing a W30 will help reset things and get my mind in a better place in order to heal my heart. 

 

I am going to start Jan. 1, but would love to be in contact with you during this journey, both the Whole30/Whole9 journey AND our grief journey, if you are interested in doing so. We can support and encourage each other. It's nice to be able to relate to others who have a similar experience.

 

Renee

Thank you for your reply, Renee, and I am so sorry for your loss. 36 is such a young age and I at least had 25 years with my husband (we celebrated our 25th anniversary 10/15/13 in Paris). Even though my husband's passing was so sudden, unlike like your situation, I could at least sit by his bedside and hold his hand as he passed. 

 

The good side I see is that you are now 7 months on the road of Grief and you are still moving forward. I keep wondering how people have that strength. There are those days I cry almost the whole day and then days where I'll be "even" for only the time I am taking Xanax. I want a bit of strength. I'm a Realtor so I'm terrified to go back to work next week as strangers you take to show property don't know what is going on in your personal life and I'm so afraid I'll be in the middle of showing and then burst into tears. I'm going back to work as I feel like I have to get my mind busy with something rather than focusing on the loss of my husband. 

 

Doing the Whole30 and cleaning out the cabinets has been somewhat a "purging" experience but I did have to pack my husband's favorites in a box and putting them in a location in the basement. Just couldn't bring my self to throw away is peanut butter and Triscuits.

[reneenee]

pesmith929,

I waited 6 months til I went back to work. I am a dental hygienist and didn't want to burst into tears while working with my patients. I've been back to work for a month now and I do cry at some pretty inconvenient times, but I'm less likely to do that now vs. even a couple months ago. What I am learning is that time + being real with one's emotions = healing. Time itself doesn't heal. The hard part is letting that awful feeling flow through you - it has to happen for one to get better/"stronger", otherwise it will come out later in some other way. My feeling is that NOW is the time to grieve and let the emotions and tears flow. There is strength in that, somehow. It's upside down thinking. Maybe a little like "eating lots of healthy fats helps one's body to stop storing fat". That's upside down thinking too, yet it's true.

We can lean on each other, if you'd like. I think it's brave of both if us to tackle a Whole30 right now, but I think we both know it is necessary for us in our grieving process to do this now.

[reneenee]

PS: my husband and I were married 11 years, and 15 days...together 15 years total.

[Marceeruns]

My deepest sympathies for what you are going through!!! Hang in there

[RLW]

Thank you for starting this thread and for those who have also shared.

 

My daughter died 21 months ago and although I did not think of doing this Whole30 as a way to work through grief, this (day 1) has been one of the most intense grieving days I've had in a while. It is challenging to make life-affirming choices while mourning.

 

Re work: if you don't have to go back, and you don't feel ready yet, I'd say hold off.

[reneenee]

RLW, I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

Perhaps this thread can be a forum for "the grief-stricken" who are struggling with that while going through this Whole30?

[cayenne]

I just wanted to say I am so sorry for what everyone is going through. Nothing to add, really, just thinking of you all.

[spacy]

I am so sorry for all of these difficult losses.

I lost my brother to suicide in May 2013. He was 34, and one of my best friends. In November I learned that my mom has a stage 4 metastatic cancer. We don't know how long she has.

 

For the last six months I have done nothing, not a single thing, to help my body be healthy. Mostly I've spent all my free time reading novels, drinking wine, and eating carbs. I decided to start W30 on Jan 2 to try and regain some kind of health/stability in taking care of this body.

 

Reaching out for support has been nearly impossible. Writing this post has been extremely challenging.

[reneenee]

Spacy,

 

I'm glad you wrote your post and I totally understand how exhausting that can be. Everything seems exhausting these days. Stay as strong as possible, ok? I believe that doing this Whole30 will help you be "somewhat" strong in a relatively short period of time. I am checking this post regularly to see how everyone is doing in their grief process, as well as on the Whole30. I believe we need extra support through this and we can give it to each other. 

[reneenee]

pesmith929

 

"The good side I see is that you are now 7 months on the road of Grief and you are still moving forward. I keep wondering how people have that strength. "

 

 

You know, I don't think I have the strength either. I think I have no choice but to somehow develop strength and, apparently, it comes from putting one foot in front of the other - we have no other choice. It happens everyday, you just don't easily see it.  Keep doing the best you can and remember to be gentle with yourself. I'm here if you want to talk, or vent.

[michellet]

For those of you who have experienced recent losses I am so sorry for the hurt that I know you're feeling.  I lost my Dad in April after a 2 year battle with pancreatic cancer. During his last two months, people were bringing all kinds of comfort foods over to moms and it was at this time, my paleo went south.  Dad died in April, and he and Mom had just celebrated 60 years of marriage in Feb.  As I have watched Mom live and grow in these last months, I have been amazed at her strength.  She doesn't have a magic formula, just takes each day as it comes, she has joy and laughter in her life as well as days of grief.  I guess I share that to confirm what you all are doing.  You're taking it a little at a time, and taking care of you.  It does take a long while for our grief to lessen, Christmas music this year (especially from my growing up years) would put me right into tears.  I just think of that as celebrating Dad's life.   I'll be thinking of you and keeping you in prayer.

 

An interesting note, Dad's oncologist is paleo and continuously confirmed this diet and the role of sugar with cancer. So we're on the right track.  

[reneenee]

michellet

 

Did your dad follow a paleo diet?  I'm curious if it helped to slow his cancer progress.  I am so sorry for your loss. And I thank you for telling us how your mom has been doing. Losing my spouse to a sudden death last May has shaken me to my very core. Incidentally, my dad was also diagnosed with pancreatic cancer shortly after my husband's death and I am trying to teach him about sugars' role in cancer tumor growth, but it is falling on deaf ears. Anyway, thank you again for sharing. 

[michellet]

Renee, Dad didn't change up his diet too much.  He stopped drinking his glass of wine with Mom, did increase vegetable intake, but he was 83 when diagnosed.  So he was pretty content with his diet, and really up until that diagnosis he had always been very healthy.  If your dad is younger he might be more willing to change things up.  You'll be in my prayers.  It is a tough road.

[praxisproject]

Spacy - I started Whole30 in Jan 2013 after losing a family member to a terminal illness the December before. I was burning the candle not just at both ends, but sometimes also in the middle, or just setting the whole thing on fire really. My partner and I knew it would be a rough road but we wanted to do all we could do in the time we had left, as we knew it was limited. We knew there'd be a price to pay for the constant lack of sleep, working alongside long trips to the hospital, eating food in the hospital cafe (ugh!) and taking on too much. 

 

Hospital staff told us it would take us about 12 months to recover afterwards. I thought they were exaggerating, but it's pretty close to right. I was so sick in December last year my body was eating up my muscle mass and quite possibly my internal organ tissue as well. Whole30 got me back on track and over the course of 2013, my health has improved in leaps and bounds.

 

One of the positive things for us has been creating new healthy habits to replace the bad ones we had gotten into. Not just food, but also getting enough sleep, spending quality time with loved ones and our pets.

 

For those still under regular stress, sleep is better than exercise, get all the sleep you can.