closet sugar addict

[lori_vt]

i have noticed this in myself for a very long time.  when exactly did i start this behavior.  i think in my teens.  and i don't know why.  it was kind of like hoarding, but then again not.  i would consume huge amounts of odd foods in secret/private.  i was afraid of being seen or caught.  i remember this from my early teens.  things like a cinnamon toast kick.  or frosting straight out of the can.  or oatmeal.  or ice cream.  or a bowl of flour mixed with water (ew).  over the years i think it has come and gone with the food choices being mostly carbs and sugar, although when i would go to a buffet, watch out.  i could eat as much as two enormous men, and still go back for thirds.  things that can set this off are free food.  or unlimited amounts of food.  i will impose limits on myself if there are other people around, in a restaurant, or at a social gathering.  however if the food is unattended (left out in the kitchen) i will stockpile as much as possible.  then i will either put it all in the freezer until i'm not following some food program (Atkins, W30, etc) or i'll just chow my way through the pile.  i'll keep my loot in my desk drawer in case someone happens to walk by - i wouldn't want anyone to see (1) what I've taken from the kitchen (2) how quickly i can eat this enormous quantity of food (3) that I obviously have a problem eating like a normal person.

 

i'm posting this today, because i completed my second W30 on March 23rd, and have been keeping a post-log since.  i've been struggling with a stomach bug / digestive issues for a few weeks now, and it was suggested i try the AIP.  this program is so difficult for me and i've found that i struggle to eat compliant for 24 hours - i think i managed to get 3 or 4 days now (maybe it's been more than that, i'd have to check).  today i went in the kitchen at work to use the microwave and there was some leftover cake.  my sugar-addict went to work immediately - scraping all the frosting off the last remaining piece of cake, covering the plate with a napkin and scurrying down to my office to gulp down each sugary bite.  i then proceeded to eat my lunch.  as i was posting my lunch update on the post-W30 log, i noticed my thoughts about this behavior, and thought i would like to explore just exactly what is it that compels me to indulge in this secretive addict-like behavior.  i don't like it.  i've been doing it for probably 40 or more years.  i don't feel good afterwards (my stomach and my self-image). i'm ashamed and feel guilty.  i don't know what drives me to do this; maybe i don't need to know, but i suspect i will continue to do this unless i can address the underlying cause.  i want to enjoy food, and not carry this secret and act out on it.  if i eat something, i want to not have guilt or secrecy about it.

[audmeighan]

I know exactly what you are talking about.  I have done the same thing and it's usually at work where I don't want people to see.  I guess obviously, that is because I know it's bad for me and I'm trying to hide the negative behavior.

 

As for underlying causes, mine seems to be related to work. I find myself unhappy in regular jobs and I will retreat to eating to avoid tasks I don't want to do and/or to fill time when work is slow.  

 

After my Whole 30 last year, I found that my body just didn't accept these foods anymore--as in, they no longer had that I-must-devour-all-dozen-doughnuts-before-anyone-sees effect.  And, if I did cave and take a bite, it actually tasted bad and usually gave me at least a pang of stomach pain.  Since then, I've gotten really off track and am sneaking candy, soft drinks, and any number of treats people bring to work as a coping mechanism for anxiety, boredom and frustration.

 

I don't know what advice to give, but hope it helps to know that you're not alone, at least.  My plan is to do another Whole 30 as soon as I can muster the will power....

[snowflower]

How did you get through 2 Whole30s?

How did your reintroductions go?

My first thought is that something you're eating is triggering the behavior. If I had to guess, I'd say it's wheat or sugar.

[JJB]

How did you get through 2 Whole30s?

How did your reintroductions go?

My first thought is that something you're eating is triggering the behavior. If I had to guess, I'd say it's wheat or sugar.

 

I agree. When I eat wheat or sugar I just want moremoremore. I always used to berate myself for my lack of control, as I ate huge pieces of cake, entire sleeves of graham crackers, etc... Once both *evil* substances are out of my system, it's SO much easier to stay on track.

[lori_vt]

I wish I could say there was a definite trigger, but honestly the trigger seems to be "FREE FOOD."  I don't eat wheat or grains and haven't since long before I learned about W30.  My transition from W30 back to regular eating didn't include anything I would think of as a trigger.  Although I was trying to implement the AIP, and it was so restrictive and difficult to follow that maybe I was just feeling deprived, and then noticed the FREE FOOD and I was off and running.  This past Friday I decided to try eating a little more normally for me, so I think I splurged and had a beer with dinner.  Saturday I went to the Scoop Shop and got one small ice cream.  Neither of those things led to me wanting more.  Yesterday I went to the Home Show and had some ice cream and 3 mini Reese's peanut butter cups, but then I went grocery shopping and had no urge to get anything off-plan.  I almost think it would be easier if I could identify a trigger.  I'll have to review my food log more closely to see if there was anything unusual.  I also want to see if it seems to follow the "all-or-nothing" mentality.  Whole30 is fine and doesn't feel restrictive to me at all.  I really enjoy it - it closely follows my regular eating plan, except that when on it, I scrutinize labels and don't eat anything with soy or additives, etc.  When I finished W30 I was dealing with a stomach bug, and I'm still getting treatment for that.  In fact today I went for a stomach CT where I had to drink 900ml of barium contrast solution.  I don't know for sure if the cake had been there if I hadn't been trying AIP if I would have done the same thing, but knowing my history makes me think I still would have done it.  My compliance has been 100% perfect when I'm on the W30 - no temptations, no "cheating." 

[Wynne Jones]

I finished my W30 several days ago and have been mostly compliant since - until last night. I took a group of girls from my school on a field trip, then to an amazing pizza place in Portland, Maine, called Flatbread. I should have gone with the salad, but I caved to temptation and got the cheese pizza, followed by ice cream. When I got home I had coconut cream and chocolate - I had set off that craving for moremoremore sugar.

 

This morning it feels like I am being stabbed in the gut. Thank god my students are watching a movie today in class. 

 

Pizza is not my friend. 

[almondjoyless]

This is a great self-help book on binge eating (which sounds like what you're describing).  It's written by the world's leading expert on eating disorders, Chris Fairburn.  It uses a cognitive-behavioral approach (which is the approach best supported by the available scientific evidence for treating eating disorders and many other psychiatric problems).

 

http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Binge-Eating-Second-Edition/dp/1572305614

[praxisproject]

Do you have problems with "surprise food"?

 

If you planned to eat it (or have a better option with you, as a substitute), would it trigger the same runaway feeling?

 

I don't know why, but for years I used to feel obligated to eat food other people offered me, even if I didn't want it at all.

I think I was really avoiding the situation of saying no, on the spot, even though I'm actually pretty good at saying no, in general.

[amy3509]

There is most certainly a reason why 'free food' causes a binge for you, it's just a matter of sorting out why it is such a trigger and/or challenging your core values/thinking around this.  There are a few possible approaches for you to consider.  The simplest would be to practice mindfulness in some way (there are various techniques) to challenge your belief that you must take advantage of free food.  Some people do this through mantras, writing/journaling, meditation, etc.  Many people have success through hypnotherapy where the therapist would lead you through that questioning and work to alter deeply held beliefs that you may not be aware of.  If you believe your binge behaviour to be rooted in deep emotional trauma then therapy/counselling could be explored.

 

Often these behaviours begin early in our lives based on something in our environment that leads us to alter our beliefs about food.  For example, I have a friend who grew up in a family of four older brothers and a tight grocery budget.  She had to eat fast or miss out, and when at a place with free food her mother encouraged her to get her fill because it was free.  Another friend had parents who were restrictive about her food intake and had lots of forbidden foods, so she developed binge behaviours as a result of feeling deprived.  I work with many women in the homeless shelters I run who eat insane amount of food because they have experienced scarcity most of their lives and in many cases were neglected as children.  I offer these examples to show that a behaviour like secret bingeing can develop in a wide variety of circumstances and lives.  You may choose to simply challenge your internal messaging (thoughts drive behaviours, after all) or you may feel the need to dig deeper.

 

Geneen Roth has some good stuff on compulsive eating that may resonate with you.  Best of luck.  Your awareness is a big step in making a change.