Riding my Own Bike: Accountability after Whole100/58

[WholeMama623]

Hello everyone.

 

I am back to a "Post" journal again, and I will probably just stay here no matter what I do in the future.

 

Some background...

 

My name is Brittany. I have Celiac Disease, and Hashimoto's paired with an underactive thyroid. In the past, I've tried everything. Weight watchers, Intermittent fasting, Counting calories, and just flying by the seat of my pants. I've always been very obsessed with my weight, and I've come to realize that I have disordered thoughts about food no matter WHAT I'm doing!

 

My body reacts very well to a whole30, and thus I've Completed one Whole30, and a Whole100 last year. My Whole100 was awesome but tough, and then about 40 days after it ended I went to Disney World and threw it all away and went off the rails for about 3 months until I started another Whole100 on November 30th 2015. No, your math does not fail you, and there is no way I completed my second attempt. I made it to day 58, and decided that all was good for now, and to move away from very strict eating.

 

I used Whole100 as a crutch. It was almost a way to avoid having to MAKE the right food decisions. Instead, it was "Well, I'm doing a Whole100 so I can't have that" but after some time, I realized that that is not exactly the most healthy mindset either. Avoidance. I must learn to eat healthy, and occasionally have a snack, or something that I deem "bad" and get back on track again! I cannot hide behind the Whole100 forever. I have to "ride my own bike" and learn what works for me.

 

I know that I cannot have soy. I know that grains make me REALLY bloated, and dairy breaks my face out. I also know that every time I think I'm going to "stay on the path" I never do, and usually careen right into a tree. So, here I am, attempting again to find my own way through healthy eating.

 

This blog will be my every day thoughts/concerns/vents about my eating, and I hope to stay here for a long time!

 

[WholeMama623]

Well, I think I stopped my Whole100 on Tuesday the 26th, and already feel that I am off track. It scares me. I feel so much guilt when eating food that is not compliant, but on the other hand, once I start eating them, it's all set into motion...

 

My mom picked my daughter up from daycare on Wednesday because my Husband had to work late and she offered to meet me at a restaurant to get my daughter back. I ended up getting a gluten free pizza. Now the thing is tiny (only 6 pieces) and paper thin. I used to eat the entire thing in one sitting, but I only ate three pieces and put the rest in the box. When I got home, I felt upset with myself. Grains/cheese/ect.

What's done is done.

 

Last night I decided to have one piece of gluten free bread with peanut butter after my compliant dinner, and woke up in the middle of the night with intense stomach pains. I'm pretty sure it's not the bread as I used to eat it all the time, so I'm thinking it's the peanut butter.

 

As mentioned in my previous log. I have some sort of Intestinal/Stomach issue going on and I'm currently seeing a GI. I was supposed to have a Colonoscopy/Endoscopy this Monday but the blizzard made sure I couldn't get there. So that has been put on hold, but I'm wondering if maybe it was just my stomach being weird. I don't know?

 

I need to make sure I get back on track, but this weekend we have a babysitter for the weekend and are running a bunch of errands. This never ends well. It usually ends with lots of coffee and food away from home.

[ThyPeace]

So perhaps you could plan the place you get the food away from home?  Not sure what choices you have, but I bet there are some that are better than others.  I am a fan of buffets, myself, because there are always at least a few compliant foods.  Not everyone can manage with that many choices available, though, so your best option might be completely different.  

 

ThyPeace, used to love this place that had a huge salad and soup buffet.  Long time ago on the other side of the continent...

[WholeMama623]

So perhaps you could plan the place you get the food away from home?  Not sure what choices you have, but I bet there are some that are better than others.  I am a fan of buffets, myself, because there are always at least a few compliant foods.  Not everyone can manage with that many choices available, though, so your best option might be completely different.  

 

ThyPeace, used to love this place that had a huge salad and soup buffet.  Long time ago on the other side of the continent...

 

This is not a bad idea! Unfortunately with my Celiac, buffets are a nightmare for me because of Contamination issues. We are thinking about going to this awesome little organic/vegan/gluten free place near by! It's a really nice place to go if you are looking to stay healthy, but feel like you are splurging a bit! The only hard part is that they have AMAZING gluten free baked goods which are REALLY hard to pass up. In my tiny town, it's really hard to find this kind of quality gluten free baking!

[ThyPeace]

Sounds like a nice little place. One of the closest restaurants in my neighbourhood is gluten free. I seem to only go there with a friend who needs it. We do enjoy it when we go. So did you make there? What so you like best there?

ThyPeace, typing on her iPod. Too small!

[WholeMama623]

I am so off the rails already it's not even funny.

 

I'm not even going to list all the crap that I've ingested since Wednesday, because it'd just make me depressed.

 

After my Whole100 ended in August 2015, I was so careful (probably too careful) after it was over. I still obsessed over ingredients, and was so afraid to go off of compliant foods. What the hell happened this time? I guess it doesn't matter, because I can't go back and change it. What I do recognize is that I'm already NOT HAPPY with the way I'm eating, and I feel like GARBAGE. I also weighed myself again this weekend and was down another 1.8 lbs (making a total of almost 9 lbs lost in about 65 days) so I REALLY want to keep going in the right direction instead of gaining that 9 lbs back like I did at the end of last year.

 

What blows my mind when I think about it, is the difference of my mindset On and Off Whole100/30. On a Whole30, I can sit around all the junk in the house and literally not touch it or think about it (unless I'm snowed in for three days... LOL) I just know what it's off limits. There is no struggle. It doesn't bother me at all. However, the minute I decided I was done at 58 days, suddenly everything in the house was calling out to me! I can't ignore ANYTHING and I want to eat it all. It's like I've completely forgotten how I was just a week ago! This is exactly what I was talking about though when I said the whole100 didn't force ME to make any decisions. Everything was black and white. Now I'm back into the grey area and I can't function.

 

So. I've decided I need to set weekly goals for myself (because any longer seems unsustainable). I seem to do really well with "rules" so I will try it and see how it goes.

 

This week:

 

*DRINK 8 CUPS OF WATER EVERY DAY*

* NO GRAINS *

* NO SOY *

* NO MEALS OUT*

* EXERCISE 2-3X*

 

I'm keeping track of my water intake in my calendar, and I'll track my exercise.  I'm also going to print out my rules in giant letters on paper and stick it in my kitchen. Maybe this will help.

 

*sigh*

[WholeMama623]

Sounds like a nice little place. One of the closest restaurants in my neighbourhood is gluten free. I seem to only go there with a friend who needs it. We do enjoy it when we go. So did you make there? What so you like best there?

ThyPeace, typing on her iPod. Too small!

 

We went. I usually get an egg salad wrap in a gluten free tortilla. It's vegan though, so they use Veganaise. I stopped getting that though because I'm pretty sure there is soy in it and I would start to feel sick within 30 minutes of eating it. Every single time.

 

This time however, my husband and I split a piece of Gluten Free German chocolate cake and I had a mocha coffee..

 

As tasty as it was, I regretted it immediately.

[WholeMama623]

Oh I forgot:

 

*NO PROCESSED SUGAR*

[Xandra]

WholeMama, I could have written your post after my first, second, and third W30. I could control myself so well on plan, but release me into the wild and I went wild with food.

So I waited until after the holidays and did another W30 to get me back to my "happy place" and now I'm working on a slow reintro. Like very slow. Like I have only 3 specific things I want to reintro (green peas, corn, and cheese in my omelet at Sunday brunch). That's enough for me to handle right now. I know all too well the feeling of spiraling out of control and I'm not going there this time.

So if you need a reset, do a reset for a week or a few weeks. I think the key is to feel balanced while you are doing a reintro. If you feel out of control, then pull back again until you feel balanced before taking the next step. Good luck with it!

[WholeMama623]

WholeMama, I could have written your post after my first, second, and third W30. I could control myself so well on plan, but release me into the wild and I went wild with food.

So I waited until after the holidays and did another W30 to get me back to my "happy place" and now I'm working on a slow reintro. Like very slow. Like I have only 3 specific things I want to reintro (green peas, corn, and cheese in my omelet at Sunday brunch). That's enough for me to handle right now. I know all too well the feeling of spiraling out of control and I'm not going there this time.

So if you need a reset, do a reset for a week or a few weeks. I think the key is to feel balanced while you are doing a reintro. If you feel out of control, then pull back again until you feel balanced before taking the next step. Good luck with it!

 

Thank you so much for posting. I'm really going to work hard on this starting today. I cannot keep putting myself on Whole30's and never learn how to eat when I'm not on one. I really thought that I could easily flow into paleo life, but that immediately went down the drain when I had some gluten free pizza last week. This weekend was sugar, sushi, cheese, grains, chocolate.. omg. It was insane. Other than my left over dinner that I had for lunch today, everything has been pretty good today. I do love yogurt, and had some today. I'm not sure that I want to get rid of it, and I know it's not paleo.

 

I'm going to see how my "goals" (read: rules) work for me this week and see how it goes.

 

I am the only one who has to live with any decision that I make with food. I know that I don't want to be bloated and uncomfortable so it's up to ME to make the right choice!

[Xandra]

As another thought, I also "practiced" reintro while doing this last W30 round.  I practiced with fruit.  When I added fruit to a meal, how did I feel?  The answer was it made me want to have more fruit. So when I found myself serving up half a broiled grapefruit on its own for a dessert, that was my cue that I needed to pull back on fruit, and I did, only adding a few strawberries to a salad since then.  No harm no foul, but it was a good experience to practice this before exiting W30.

 

I'm also putting some W30 foods up on the block.  I notice that cabbage bloats me, so I'm going to practice with that a little more before eliminating it.  And I know I ate way too many white potatoes this round, and I need to pull back on that habit.

 

So there's plenty of work to do even within the limits of W30 that can help you practice to successfully face the outside world of food.

[WholeMama623]

As another thought, I also "practiced" reintro while doing this last W30 round.  I practiced with fruit.  When I added fruit to a meal, how did I feel?  The answer was it made me want to have more fruit. So when I found myself serving up half a broiled grapefruit on its own for a dessert, that was my cue that I needed to pull back on fruit, and I did, only adding a few strawberries to a salad since then.  No harm no foul, but it was a good experience to practice this before exiting W30.

 

I'm also putting some W30 foods up on the block.  I notice that cabbage bloats me, so I'm going to practice with that a little more before eliminating it.  And I know I ate way too many white potatoes this round, and I need to pull back on that habit.

 

So there's plenty of work to do even within the limits of W30 that can help you practice to successfully face the outside world of food.

 

I feel like during my Whole's I did fine. I barely ate fruit. I'd have one banana a day and that was it. No issues.

 

I think SUGAR is the worst offender. Once I have it, it's like a drug. I need more. That was the biggest thing this weekend. I have a cappuccino that came with some whipped cream. I thought "Okay..." and that led to many many poor decisions throughout the day. I've snapped out of it, I think and even though I'm being dramatic, I really don't think it's going to cause any long lasting issues IF I can get myself back on track.  

[WholeMama623]

For prosperity's sake, I'm going try to list out my meals so that I can keep track of any bad reactions, and just to have some accountability. Maybe if I have to write out that I ate crappy foods, it'll make me think twice. Green words are meals that are Paleo/ OR things that I'm OKAY with eating. Red will be things that I wish I didn't eat, and I will try to assess why I ate. Sorry if this is a little ridiculous to anyone reading, but this is a tool to help ME.

 

 

Breakfast: 100% Grass Fed Yogurt/ banana

 

Lunch: Gluten free pasta with homemade meat sauce. (I didn't want to eat anymore grains, but hate to waste food, so this is the only grains I'm HOPING to eat this week)

 

Afternoon snack: Baby carrot sticks with guacamole.

 

Dinner: will be brinner (breakfast for dinner). Eggs/bacon. (we are doing our taxes and it will be an easy dinner after I get home late)

[Tina Marie]

HI Britt! ~  sorry to hear that your procedure was rescheduled - I really hope that you can get an answer soon.

 

I read your post - and you give yourself such a hard time !  Dear, please don't treat yourself so badly !!!!   You KNOW what you need for yourself ~  don't beat yourself up because you think you slipped... or snowballed or slid down the slippery slope.  

 

I've been doing this 'eating for me' way of life for over a year now.... I eat well - if I think I am going to have a meal that might not be 100 % compliant - I make my other 2 meals compliant.  Then I make the best choice for me - and I enjoy it.    For me I KNOW - no soy (at all),  very limited cheese and that is a very rare thing, No rice - No gluten free anything... that is a gate way to my bad eating.  

 

If there are 'trigger' foods for you - you may just have to live with it and avoid those all all costs.

 

It is nice to have someone to listen to your rants - so rant away !

 

Tina

[ThyPeace]

"but hate to waste food"

 

I think it's okay to throw away stuff that's better not eaten.  Sure, waste is annoying. At the same time, tempting your body to feel awful -- or flat out poisoning it -- is also annoying.

 

ThyPeace, you'd throw out perfectly good heroin, right?

[Brewer5]

Hi Brittany ~

 

I just wanted to see if you had seen the Sugar Addict thread found here?

 

http://forum.whole30.com/topic/33428-sugar-addict/

 

Lots of good info & support there, if you are interested.  You are not alone.  Some of these foods are simply not good choices for you, and never will be.  They will send you into a downward spiral every time.

 

We can be sad about that... And we can rebel against it...  But in the end, the reality is the same.

 

You may think the heroin analogy is extreme...   I don't.  I think it's a really good one.  These things don't make you feel good physically, mentally, or emotionally.  Yet you keep consuming them.  Once you can see it for what it really is ~ you can be free of it.

[chezjulie]

Hi Britt,

 

Oops I forgot to follow the new thread. Here I am! As I was reading down the thread, I was going to ask you what you were having for breakfast, and then I saw the yogurt and banana. For me, I do soooooo much better if I start with a Whole30-style composed breakfast. Maybe that would set you up for the day better.

 

Hang in there! You're still learning to find a healthy balance and it might take a while.

 

Julie

[WholeMama623]

Good morning. I see I got a few comments yesterday and rather than replying one by one, i'll address them all here.

 

Tina - I know. I'm very very hard on myself. I see how well I do on Whole30 but I know it's not sustainable for me long term. So when I start eating badly, the guilt really really sets in. The thing that sucks is almost everything that's not Whole30 seems to be a trigger food for me! Sugar is the worst, but Grains are horrible too.

 

ThyPeace - I knew someone would bring up the wasted food comment. I understand what you are saying, yes. I have been sober for nearly 4 years, I completely understand the analogy. LOL.

 

Brewer- Thanks for stopping by. I will check out the thread and see if I can get caught up. I know sugar is the worst thing for me, but it's hard to think about Never having sugar. It was hard to wrap my head about Never having alcohol too, but that was ruining my life. Sugar, while it makes me feel bad, is a LOT harder. The food guilt from people is REAL. I want to not think this way, but the thoughts aren't going to happen over night.

 

Julie- Hey!!! I will say, I am NOT a breakfast eater. A banana is usually all I eat until noon and I'm fine with that. During the week, I'm running around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to get my todder and myself ready for work. With not being able to eat for 1 hour after I take my thyroid meds, I simply run out of time to make a "compliant" breakfast. It's hard enough making my compliant lunch every morning. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses, but it's the truth. I really need to try to get time in the evening and make my food then!

[WholeMama623]

So much for my brinner last night. I ended up having two plain burgers on a George foreman, some potato chips, and two buckeyes. Sooooo.. there went the goals for yesterday. 

 

I will try not to be hard on myself, or too much of a downer. All I can do is do better moving forward.

 

I'm off to go check out the Sugar thread and see if that will help!

[Xandra]

So much for my brinner last night. I ended up having two plain burgers on a George foreman, some potato chips, and two buckeyes. Sooooo.. there went the goals for yesterday. 

 

I will try not to be hard on myself, or too much of a downer. All I can do is do better moving forward.

 

I'm off to go check out the Sugar thread and see if that will help!

 

No reason to be hard on yourself at all. You learned some valuable information here, some of which is that you don't always follow your plan when it comes to offroads. Does it scare you that you ate chips and buckeyes? Are you mad about it? Those are emotions that shouldn't follow an offroad. 

 

When I talked about practicing with fruit during my W30, I wasn't really talking about what the fruit does to me. I was talking about practicing a controlled reintro in an environment where it didn't really matter whether I screwed up or not.  What was the downside of having half a grapefruit by itself for dessert? Nothing. The value in the exercise was in running the experiment, and responding to the results.

 

So if I can suggest practicing some reintro using W30 compliant foods, that could help set you up for when you want to practice a reintro with buckeyes sometime. The advantages of using W30 compliant foods for the exercise are a) you don't have to kick yourself if you "fall off the rails" and eat a whole banana, you don't have the gut disruption/insulin response going on as a result of your "failed" exercise, and c) you learn real information about yourself and your response to sweets, for example.

 

Like training your muscles for a sport, I think there is real value in doing some practice runs of a reintro instead of running out into the big world of food and expecting instant success with no training at all.

 

Here's to success next time!

[WholeMama623]

No reason to be hard on yourself at all. You learned some valuable information here, some of which is that you don't always follow your plan when it comes to offroads. Does it scare you that you ate chips and buckeyes? Are you mad about it? Those are emotions that shouldn't follow an offroad. 

 

When I talked about practicing with fruit during my W30, I wasn't really talking about what the fruit does to me. I was talking about practicing a controlled reintro in an environment where it didn't really matter whether I screwed up or not.  What was the downside of having half a grapefruit by itself for dessert? Nothing. The value in the exercise was in running the experiment, and responding to the results.

 

So if I can suggest practicing some reintro using W30 compliant foods, that could help set you up for when you want to practice a reintro with buckeyes sometime. The advantages of using W30 compliant foods for the exercise are a) you don't have to kick yourself if you "fall off the rails" and eat a whole banana, you don't have the gut disruption/insulin response going on as a result of your "failed" exercise, and c) you learn real information about yourself and your response to sweets, for example.

 

Like training your muscles for a sport, I think there is real value in doing some practice runs of a reintro instead of running out into the big world of food and expecting instant success with no training at all.

 

Here's to success next time!

 

Am I mad about the chips/buckeyes? No. I made the conscious effort to put the food in my mouth. We went to a family members house to do our taxes on his computer (my grandfather). He is 100% a food pusher. He offered me a buckeye, and because there were only two left, I didn't feel too terrible about trying one knowing that I couldn't gorge myself on them.

 

I am trying hard to understand the thing you are trying to explain about reintro with Compliant foods, but I cannot wrap my head around what you are trying to say. I am not trying to be snarky, honest. I just don't get it . To me, eating compliant sausage (or anything really) doesn't compare to eating sugary sweets. I have no issue with control when I'm on the Whole30 because honestly, the food doesn't appeal to me on an emotional level. I eat because I need sustenance, and nothing more. It's very easy for me to actually undereat I believe because of this. (I know.. the template). So I can't "practice" with foods that are compliant because they do not "mean" the same thing to me in an emotional state. Ugh. does this make any sense?

 

I know I need to stay away from these foods. Trust me. I know that sugar is bad. It's getting to a point where I can feel comfortable passing it up at every passing moment tis' around that is going to take work.

 

I started my last whole100 right before the Christmas holiday (where I normally BINGE on sweet stuff) and I made it through to the other side. I KNOW I can do it, but something actually changes for me mentally when I stop doing a Whole30. It's like my "will" goes right out of the window. It's insane.

[WholeMama623]

Okay. I REALLY want to exercise tonight. I even told my husband "no" when we asked if I wanted to get a movie from Redbox tonight. I told him I didn't want anything getting in the way of me exercising.

[Tina Marie]

Good luck with the exercising - I want to as well..............but the couch has been calling me.  yoga starts tomorrow.  My back/hip needs it !  As well as my saggy body since losing weight !  have to tighten up !!  LOL

 

Keep up all your hard work - !

[WholeMama623]

Well I finally exercised last night! 30 minutes of my walking DVD. I was sweating and got my heart rate up, so that felt nice. Today however, I feel terrible. My wrist/forearm hurts like hell today. I don't know if it's just from not moving in awhile, or what. I don't want to blame anything on Hashimoto's but I hurt a lot for no good reason.

 

I did really good yesterday. For dinner our meal was all compliant. Aidell's sausage with some paleo mayo and mashed baby golden potatoes with ghee. I did have ONE mini Hail Merry tart (they are paleo). They are sweetened with Maple syrup and they are so rich that I only ever need one. I do not feel bad about paleo snacks *occasionally* I just don't want to be eating them ALL the time.

 

I think I had about 7 glasses of water, so all in all I was VERY happy with yesterday.

[chezjulie]

Sounds like you had a great day, Britt! I think focusing on paleo rather than the gluten free stuff might be your answer. "Head towards the light, Carol Anne!" ;-)