Brewer5

Day 16: 8/11/20 -- Thanks so much for the support, ladies. It means more than you know. I'm not sure what direction I will go with this RN title. I've only worked in long-term care, but there are so many options. I'm going to let it rest for a bit. When the path is clear, I will see it. I do know that much. For now, I do still have my marketing job - which I love. That is a position I was led to - zero doubt about that - and it is where I belong at this moment. Rather than suck the life out of me, it brings me joy. It adds, instead of takes away. Honestly, how many people can say that? ...Well, several, I suppose. But not the majority. Not by a long shot. I love my residents in long-term care. If loving and caring were some of the top requirements to be a great LTC nurse, I'd have this job in the bag. But the reality is that there is very little time for loving and caring. Those moments I have with my residents are fleeting ... deep, and real, and meaningful ... but fleeting. There is too much for one person to do. And it wears me down. It is not just physical - I could do a great physical job outside from sun up to sun down. It's the combination of the physical, the mental, and the emotional, all at once. I'm not built to go pedal to the metal in all of these areas for hours at a time. -- Today I came home from the office and the kitchen was destroyed. There were 2.5 capable adults here for the 5.5 hours I was gone. It was a giant moment of WTF. The thought of a glass of wine crossed my mind - I won't lie. But my next thought was that I was in recent days coming home and having wine all the time, no matter what. Good days, bad days, all of the days. It didn't actually solve any problems, but it helped me get through the evenings in a more oblivious state. Oblivious. That's the word that just came to mind. Well, that's a great place to be: unmindful, unconscious, unaware. -- We were talking with MIL the other day about how she can't just focus on the number on the scale. I said, you have to pay attention to how you feel, how your clothes fit, how's your mood. She said, "Well, I do get depressed sometimes." And my immediate response without thinking was, "Well, that's just life." {shrug} And we all kind of laughed and just shrugged at each other. You know what? It just IS life. Life is not meant to be all sunshine & roses ... things do not always go our way. We must know sadness to truly appreciate happiness. We must experience loneliness to truly appreciate the presence of a good, true friend. I have already stated here in the past that I may continue to go through these cycles - cleaning things up with W30, then loosening up and relaxing, then realizing I've relaxed too far, then going back to W30. I would prefer to keep things W30 most of the time. But you know what happens? Life. Life happens. And that's okay.

Day 15: 8/10/20 – This is easy now. The food has been easy all along, because it’s how I normally eat, for the most part. After going through what I went through last week - and doing it 100% sober, just digging deep within myself - I have a new perspective. Posting about this feels like one of those people on social media who will post some vague statement about what a bad day they are having, because they just want someone to ask about it. I don’t. I can assure you, I don’t want to talk about it here. It’s not internet material. I will say, it was life-changing ... in a way that very few things in my life have been. The Me of Previous Layers of This Onion would have caved ... so, so caved. But that’s not me anymore. In fact, I knew for certain that I needed to be sober through this. It’s like I was guided back to W30 *just* at the right time. In fact, I know I was. I spoke on Day 1 of my higher self. ...She knows things I sometimes don’t. I’m changing course in my career. The stress of long-term care has driven so many unhealthy choices. It starts with one, and then there’s a snowball effect. I am no good to anyone if I don’t take care of myself. I really know that to my core now. I’m not going back.

Day 14: 8/9/20 -- I just don't have much to say at this point. Whole 30 works, it just makes sense, and it's not anything new to me. I feel a lot better and I can't really believe where I was a couple of weeks ago. I've reduced my stress considerably by not signing up for any nursing shifts for over a week now. That helps!

Day 13: 8/8/20 – Enjoying being sober. How about that?

Day 12: 8/7/20 – Today was a better day. Finally resolving some of the emotions I have had to work through pretty much on my own all week. Things are looking up again, and I am so happy to be able to say that.

Day 11: 8/6/20 – Compliant. Not amazing ... but productive.

Thanks @Semi ~ I meant to say that above ^ but it deserves its own post anyway. 4+ years is a big, huge deal. I appreciate you sharing your experience, and I definitely appreciate the encouragement. There has only been one other period of my life where I drank on a nightly basis. I didn't really consider it a problem at the time, and even looking back - I don't see that it caused any big problems. But clearly it's not ideal. This stretch lately was worrisome. I don't want to go back there.

Day 10: 8/5/20 -- The news I speak of (which I cannot yet bring myself to speak of here) is weighing heavy on my heart tonight. I've stayed strong for other people, and I've held back the tears because I don't want to discuss it with MIL. Man, it's weird having someone else living in your home ... We get along fine, but this is deep and personal. Very, very little is "mine" anymore. So, I'm finally sitting outside, alone, late at night, and having a good cry. The dogs don't mind. And they don't ask me any questions. Tomorrow is a new day ~ and I'm looking forward to it.

Day 8 yesterday: 8/3/20 Day 9 today: 8/4/20 -- The urge was more strong than ever tonight, to throw this out the window and go buy some wine. But I did not. I'm eating compliant food & going to bed sober. Sober isn't always a comfortable place to be ... but neither is hungover. I've got stuff to do. Stuff that matters.

Day 7 yesterday: 8/2/20 -- I don't have anything to say about yesterday. It was compliant & fine. Today I found out some news that I might want to bury in a bottle of wine tonight. But guess what? That news will still be there tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. Forever. So I won't.

Day 6 yesterday: 8/1/20 -- This is going okay. Cravings for dumb stuff are definitely tied to stress and/or going too long without eating enough protein. That's not a shocking new revelation. Last night after I plowed through a 9-hour shift, I came home and ate, and realized how overstimulated I felt. That's the time when I'd be reaching for alcohol to just sort of mute the world around me and the swirling thoughts from work and life in general. But - I didn't. I just told myself it was time to close my eyes and go to sleep. Today is a new day, and I don't have to work. Focusing on self-care and getting some things done around the house, I suppose. The first episode in a new season of Umbrella Academy finally came out on Netflix, and my youngest has been patiently waiting until our schedules line up so we can watch it together. It's a rainy day ~ so, pretty sure I can make time for that. @Amy_Michigan ~ one thing is for sure: that was a clear sign from your body! That sounds rough. I hope you feel better today.

Day 5: 7/31/20 Let me clarify: I am now being more productive.

Day 4 was yesterday - 7/30/20 -- @KelseyClaire ~ thanks for stopping in! Keeping a journal has always been a powerful tool for me, and I logged the food because I wanted to. These days - I'm just too damned busy.

Day 3: 7/29/20 -- This might end up being the most boring W30 log I've had yet. I'm just not messing with logging my food - it doesn't matter. What matters is that I've had another compliant day, and I intend for it to remain so. @MadyVanilla ~ I wish the same for you!

Day 2: 7/28/20 -- Worked a nursing shift today, and just not much time for logging my food like I used to. Deep thoughts might come another day, too. My food has all been compliant ~ this really hasn't been hard (and shouldn't be for me, anyway). I think the tough moments will be when I really want a diet dew or alcohol. Neither of those has hit me just yet. @Amy_Michigan ~ thanks so much ~ good to hear from you!