Brewer5

I'm not going to number today. Not yet, anyway. I had a big post started here ~ sounding kind of down, like I was feeling. Then I had a phone call that strangely lifted my spirits. (More on that later, perhaps). Plus my morning coffee is kicking in. So I'm going to leave it at this: I'm going to get off the couch now, and I'm going to go kick this day's ass. Then tonight, I might have some wine. With my husband. And life will go on. And it will be good.

Day 4 today ~ and the floor is coming along beautifully. You would think, living in a home with four males aged 13-43, that I might have some help ... but I really don't. I'm not typing that out in a bitter PMS state. It's just a layer of my onion that I'm putting out here to observe. There is a sense of pride and accomplishment, seeing our home transform ... row after row after row ... and I will always be able to look at it and say: I did that. It's not perfect, and it never will be ~ but it's mine. I've come to realize that I have a need to create. I think, perhaps, that need has gone unfulfilled at many points in my life ... and I wasn't even aware of it being a need, until recently. Now that I am aware of it, I will cultivate it. I have a lot of ideas in my mind, all the time. I will try not to get frustrated if those around me cannot see and share my vision. I most likely don't need their help ~ I just need their support. Get out of my way, and let me create. --- I popped over to Amy's log today, and it was so interesting to see her talking about her Outlander addiction. ...Oh, @Amy_Michigan ... girl ... I so hear you. I read approximately the first three books, before I lost interest. That was years ago. But I just finished watching the entire Poldark series, while working on my floor over the weekend. Then I'm like: well, crap, now what? So I go to Amazon - realize that apparently I had purchased the first season of Outlander, years ago - and apparently I had watched the first couple of episodes. I started back up, somewhere in the middle of the third episode. I'm just thinking, "Whatever ... it's something to listen to while I work on this floor." For the past two nights, I have stayed up until close to 2:00 am -- not working on the floor, because that involves banging with a mallet, and my kids are in bed -- but watching this damned show. Last night was The Wedding, and ... good Lord. I mean, seriously. Seriously. Lol. I'm not sure if it's a good thing for me to be watching. It made me want to drink wine with my husband, for one thing. And it made me realize how far, far, far away it is from my reality. It's far away from everyone's reality, clearly, and that's why we love it. It's an escape. So I started thinking along these lines: Is it better for us to shut things like this out, and not stir up those feelings of discontent? Is it better for us to watch things like this, and acknowledge that perhaps this is an area of our life that could use some ... weed-pulling? Hmmm. I am going to keep deep-thinking on that one. The conclusion I come to might decide whether I'm buying wine again anytime soon. Which brings up the question: Why do we need wine? I'm not saying everyone does ... but I am going to call a spade a spade, and say that our level of intimacy is most certainly enhanced by alcohol. Man. Now my brain hurts, and I have to go to work. As always ~ best wishes for a glorious day!

@Amy_Michigan ~ how is your knee? ...Why, yes, I did pop in here just to see how you're doing... I am going to throw this out there one time, and one time only ~ because I think I got quite the reputation here, years ago, of being a Potato Hater. Lol. I'm not a Potato Hater. You know I've been eating them. I think they can be a great transitional food and a sanity-saver for those coming to W30 from SAD, in particular. But I do have a long and proven history of arthritic feelings showing up on Whole 30 when I am consuming potatoes / most likely nightshades in general. I get swelling and pain in the joints of my fingers, aches and stiffness in my knees, and popping in my knees and ankles -- all things that are not occurring when I am not consuming potatoes. It's been tested and obvious enough over and over again ... that for me, it is now a Personal Fact. That is all ~ I just wanted to share my experience. If it helps one other person out there have a lightbulb moment, then my time away from my onion was well-spent. I hope you have a wonderful day!

Day 3 today ~ and back to work! It's amazing that I can type that out and realize that I actually look forward to going to work. What the heck? Is that a thing? Do people do that? Haha... I've always liked this job ~ and there were some days in nursing where I was happy to go back on some level. Those days just also had an impenetrable, underlying sense of anxiety, because it's the nature of the profession to never know what the day is going to bring. I can handle "rolling with it" pretty well in most areas of life, but when people's lives are in your hands ... it requires a level of constant vigilance that is just exhausting. I did that day after day after day, often for 15-16 hour shifts. {I wonder why I feel burnt out on nursing.} So I'll keep it short today and just say: I'm so glad I listened to that little voice. I searched on indeed one time for the word "manager" to see what came up in my area. "I also have the business management degree ... let's just see what else is out there." My employer had listed this job as "Executive Assistant/Office Manager" -- and if she had not included the word "manager" -- we never would have found each other. That is crazy. I have become a part of the family, and I cannot imagine where I'd be and what I would be doing today if I hadn't listened to that little voice in that moment. As it is ~ I did listen ~ and now I get to go spend my day away from the chaos of my house ... in a wonderful, quiet, uncluttered, office space with the two beautiful Irish setters who have become my very best work buddies. ...Sorry, boss, if you read this someday. You know the dogs are why I stay. Everybody, as always, have a fantastic Monday. I hope you listen to that little voice and make great things happen.

Day 2 today. Funny how I feel confident going ahead and posting that in the morning, instead of having to wait until the day is over to see if I make it through. My period showed up like clockwork this time ~ none of this "several days early" business like I had last month. And you know what? No, I don't feel like a crazy bitch. I didn't think I felt that way last month, either ... but looking back, I know that I was unhappy/stressed with several things in my life, and I was pretty vocal about it. I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that. Some things really do need to be said. But I'm going to keep an eye out over these next few days, and be mindful of both how I am speaking to my family and what I am saying. Yes... there is no doubt I am in a better place now. --- Imagine your gas tank is sitting at "E" with the light on ... you can still drive around, and the car is still fully functioning. Each night, you have just enough money to fill your gas tank to 1/4. Whew! The "E" light goes off, and you feel better. Imagine this cycle day, after day, after day. Imagine that your tank never sits at 1/2 ~ let alone full. Is it possible to function and be happy this way? Sure, it is. But you won't go any further than your current routine. You will have just enough to get where you need to go, and back home again. But what if, one day, someone handed you an extra $10, and you put that extra $10 in your gas tank? If you are smart at all, that's exactly what you'd do -- and now, you have created a new baseline. Not only can you get through most days without the "E" light having to come on at all, but if you needed or wanted to go further in a day, you could. And you'd enjoy that feeling of not running on "E". It would boost your confidence in your ability to go places, and it would reduce your overall daily stress. And you'd think to yourself that, the next time someone gives you $10, it is most definitely going in your gas tank. --- This is how Whole 30 is for me. I'm not in it for the 30 days ... I have been there, done that. I am in it for the long haul. --- I realized, after I posted yesterday morning, that I referred to my grandmother as my great-grandmother. I sort of laughed to myself and thought I'd make a joke here about "Mexican food brain". Haha... I blame the Mexican food! But that's not funny. I read Grain Brain and Brain Maker by Dr. Perlmutter years ago, and I was a big fan of his work at the time. I read both of them more than once, and they were heavily highlighted and loved. What happened to me? Where did I go? I took a journey that was necessary, and I did what I thought I had to do to survive that journey. I've been in survival mode. For years now. Holy shit. I was having those "Grain Brain" moments before I came back here ... more often than I'd like to admit. But there is a force, deep within us, that says: WAKE UP. Like Percy Jackson and the lotus flowers. Poseidon says to him: WAKE UP. And Percy realizes that he's been in a dream-like state, and that time has been passing by -- quickly. He begins to refuse the lotus flowers -- which, keep in mind, pisses off those around him (!) because they all want him to stay in this state, in this place. Forever. But Percy is a smart guy, and he's got Poseidon watching out for him. He runs away from those &$%! lotus flowers, and he goes on to accomplish great things. Huge things. Meaningful things. --- So Grandma: I'm sorry. You are a Great Grandmother, and even a Great Great Grandmother. But to me, you are Grandma. The picture of strength and mental clarity for the first ~38 years of my life ... and an inspiration to me like no other.

Day 1 again today. I'm posting now ~ because this is my quiet time to do so. The rest of the day will be filled with running kids here and there, conversations with my family ... and putting down the new flooring. I worked on it for a couple of hours last night ~ and it is going to be beautiful. But boy-oh-boy ... it's going to take me awhile. That's okay. It's winter and I would rather have a project to focus on, for sure. It's satisfying, seeing each piece click into place. Hmm ... progress that can be seen before my very eyes ... I like that. I had originally gone to a nearby flooring store and stamped my foot like Veruca Salt, saying, "I want it now!" You know, not really, but ... at first I did just want to pay the "professionals" to come in here and get it done quickly. There's a little bit of Veruca Salt in there sometimes ... it's good for me to be aware of her presence, and keep her in check. --- My computer was doing some update crap this morning, and I couldn't use it to do things with my morning coffee like I usually do {Veruca was pissed}. So I finally picked up this new book I had ordered: The UltraMind Solution by Mark Hyman, MD. I like holding real books in my hands ... and I like highlighting. That's a part of myself that does not get honored nearly enough lately. I have always had a love of learning, and I especially like reading books about the human body. I don't know a lot about Mark Hyman, and I don't revere any doctors as Gods. But these books usually have some great information that I did not know before ~ and, if they are worth anything as an author ~ some deep and thought-provoking quotes. I hit a point in the very first paragraph of Chapter 1 that made me tear up this morning. He is talking about the epidemic of "broken brains": "It deprives children of their future, the elderly of their past, and adults of their present." Indeed. This hit me right between the eyes. I have children - one, in particular, whose mood and behavior is highly affected by his food choices. I am the adult, and so is my husband. And I have a great-grandmother, dear to me, who is 93 years old ... and the deterioration I have had to sit back and watch over the past few years is painful. Downright, almost, seriously, physically, painful. The way her "care" has been handled has caused a rift in our family that I think will never fully mend. --- Whew -- I hate to end on a sad note! Let's not do that. So I will share one more thing, and maybe go into more detail later. I have been undecided on whether I am ever going to work in nursing again ... very up-in-the-air, and I hate that feeling. I know, sometimes it is necessary, and those uncomfortable times are often when we really grow the most. I have decided to go back to WGU for a bachelors in business management -- that choice I decided on awhile ago. What's crazy is this: I spoke with my admissions counselor yesterday. I said yep, I like the way you transferred my credits, looks good, green light - let's go. But I want to change my start date from March 1 to April 1, after spring break. (That's no big deal - WGU starts every month, all year round). Turns out, the program catalog is changing for all students who start April 1 and later. So now, instead of just having a straight-up business management degree, you get "micro credentials". And the two choices are: Marketing track, or Healthcare track. I'm working for a marketing company right now, and I love it. But I'm also a nurse. Lol. I'm like ... are you freaking kidding me? And it brought me clarity. Looking through the marketing classes causes excitement. Looking through the healthcare classes makes me want to barf. I'm not sure it can get much more clear than that. If you've actually read this far ~ Ric Flair "woo!" ~ I'm thankful for your presence here. And I hope you have a fantastic weekend.

So glad I could give you a hearty laugh, @BabyBear . I was laughing, just picturing you laughing. Yesterday, of course, was Day 10 ... I was just too busy with other things to post. Today - the long-awaited trip to Qdoba - which my boss was literally counting down the hours to, she has been craving so much ........ Well, we got there and there was a sign on the door that said they were closed due to a water main break. We ended up going to a local Mexican restaurant instead. I got my usual chicken, cheese, rice (arroz con pollo) and ate it with some chips and a few bites of salsa. The food really had no effect on me, one way or the other ~ I mean, it was good, but I really didn't think about it too much. The company and the conversation was good, and I was glad to be able to just go with it and not feel (at all) like it was going to cause me to go off the rails on the crazy train. Things have changed for me, so much. The rest of the day has been, and will be, my W30 food. There's really not anything else I want to have ~ it was just this one meal, because my boss wanted to take me out for lunch. I didn't even get a diet dew, and I totally could have. I drank water. And life goes on. And it is good.

Thanks, ladies! Day 9 yesterday ... and @BabyBear had me thinking a little bit this morning about the psychological effect of choosing to eat at Qdoba this Friday, and start my numbering all over again. It went a little bit like this: Google to find out who Ric Flair is Realize that possibly everyone but me knows who Ric Flair is Smile to myself ~ because I think it's just fine that I didn't know who Ric Flair is Have a moment of thankfulness for the reference, because now I know who Ric Flair is. Realize that Saturday will be Day 1 again for me Smile to myself ~ because I think it's just fine that Saturday will be Day 1 again for me Have a moment of thankfulness for W30, because I think that's a pretty good place to be.

Day 8 yesterday ~ and, nothing much to report as far as food goes. I love how, in the beginning (of any new journaling/getting back to basics with food), the posts ARE more focused on food for me ... and as time goes on, it gravitates more toward experiences and, as @Amy_Michigan said, sharing that positive energy I am feeling. I think when I first posted here again ~ some people might have been like, "Like an Onion ... wtf is this ... weirdo ..." LOL. I knew exactly what I meant at the time I first posted ... I knew that the real me was hiding under several layers of bullshit that I had either piled on myself or allowed to be piled on by others. I knew it was time to find my voice again ... to peel - and dig deeply, if needed - to cut out the bad parts of this onion and be rid of them. And, as we all know when cutting onions ... I knew there would be some stinging and tears. But man... when you start to get past some of that ugly and rotten stuff... the inside of that onion can be SO worth the work. --- Amy, I won't tag you here again, because I know you're already here ... but I wanted to say that I saw you tagged me in your journal yesterday, and I did read the post when it showed up in my email. As I kept reading, I started thinking, "Dang, this is long... she doesn't usually post things this long in my journal..." and then I was like: OH! This is in her journal! Lol. I'm glad you tagged me. Because it was great to read more detail about what's going on in your life, and because I honestly have not been traveling outside of my own journal at this point. So I had a moment where I felt a little bit like an asshole ... and I wanted to apologize to you, and others who have been here daily to offer your support and kind words along my journey. It means a lot. I've been on a tiny carnivore group in the past, where it got to the point that it just felt like I was talking to myself all the time ... and that gets old pretty quickly. So again, I'm sorry that I haven't "ventured out" more to support others. There is a longer, more complicated reason for that ... but also a very basic reason ... and it's not that I'm just an asshole. I assume that we're all familiar with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs ... but if anyone isn't, please google it now. Not just because it's important to my next point, but because I think it is important for all of us to have as a tool in the back of our minds, as we think about ourselves and what is going on in our lives. I am still in the bottom two layers of Physiological needs and Safety needs for much of my time. That is not to say that I'm not also floating up to those higher levels at times -- most certainly, I am. But my two bottom levels are not concrete right now ... they just aren't. And they haven't been since my entire world got turned upside down in the Fall of 2016. So I'm still going to stay here and post, because I have to for now ~ but yes, please continue to tag me if there's something you want me to see. I do care. And on that note -- I want to share something I discovered a few months ago. It's 100% legit ... I can assure that I am a researcher, and I would never steer anyone in a direction unless I knew it was a good one. Maybe you already know about this -- (FYI I do not read the news, watch TV/commercials, or partake in social media, so I really don't know what is common knowledge these days) -- it's a site called Flex Jobs. I'm not even going to post a link, because I don't want anyone to think I'm somehow profiting from this. I'm not. Just check it out, if you haven't already. I think it's pretty freakin cool. The status quo of the workplace is changing. My boss's husband is a mechanical engineer for 20+ years, and they have now joined the site and have been checking out opportunities for him, too, since I told them about it. --- As always ~ to anyone out there reading ~ I wish you a beautiful day!

Ha, yesterday was Day 7 and I almost forgot to post about it! All is good. Had some funny stories from Lowe's ... don't have time to post about them right now. I've decided to do the flooring in this house by myself. Do you think I'm feeling better? Some may think I'm crazy. I say: I'M BACK. My mom was like, "well you know, there's such-and-such installer down on such-and-such street" and I'm like, yeah mom, I think I'm gonna do it myself. Then she's like (etc etc) and I'm like, yeah mom, I think I'm gonna do it myself. Then she's like (etc etc) and I'm like, yeah mom, I think I'm just going to do it myself. That is what I'm telling you. Lol. There's more. But alas ... today I must go to work. Everybody have a great day!

And I wish I had a "love" button. Your aunt sounds like a wonderful person. I think we would get along just great. And I think anyone who is blessed to be related to her should be taking full advantage of her company. Are you still close to her -- in location, and in connection? If you are still physically located where you can spend time with her ... please, reach out and do that more often. I know, (I know!) you are busy with work and kids and life. But I really feel that this is an effort which would pay off greatly for your overall wellbeing. We get a HUGE (huge) surge of dopamine from spending time with others who make us feel good. And we do not realize how disconnected we have become from the outside world, from our extended family ... and we, as mothers, literally forget who we were for awhile. We assume this new role -- and boy, are we proud of it -- "Mother". It's fun at first -- I mean, so much fun -- and we give ourselves, 100% and so willingly ~ because what bigger job could there be than to be Mother to a completely new being? And we are bonded with that child through all of the glorious chemicals that surge through both of us when we breastfeed. And even if we don't breastfeed -- we are bonded with that child through the surges of dopamine (that's a neurotransmitter largely associated with "reward", in case anyone doesn't know). First smile, rolling over, sitting up, crawling, walking, talking ... I mean, the list goes on. And each one is an Achievement for Mother, too. It's a shit job ... I mean, both literally and figuratively. Lol. But we are all too eager to take it on. And while all of this is going on ... we DO lose touch with that part of ourselves that we were before we were Mother. There is a church sign down the road from here, where they had a message one day, and it has really stuck with me. And it does not matter to me whether you believe in God or not ... it can be applied to other people in your life ~ and I have done that in my mind regularly lately. It said: If God seems far away ... who moved? Man. So simple, yet so powerful. My husband seems far away sometimes. I moved. My kids seem far away sometimes. They moved. --- If your aunt seems far away to you ... I can almost guarantee that you moved, and that she did not. I have a niece who is 13 years younger than me, and she spent a lot of time at our house growing up. She went on family vacations with us. She now has a husband and kids of her own, and they moved about two hours away, and they are "busy" just like everyone else. But I really enjoy her company when I do get to see her. I love her kids so much, even though they don't know me very well. I love my niece and her husband and her kids in a way they probably don't really understand. And I think it's probably the same with your aunt.

I don't really even know you, either ~ but I will confidently say it is not "just you being lazy". I don't believe laziness is even a real thing. What appears to some as laziness is a symptom of something bigger ... and I don't think anyone is going to change my mind on that. --- Let's think in terms of nature: If we see a bird who remains on the ground as we approach, we almost immediately and instinctively know there is something wrong with that bird. It is not acting on its primal instinct to flee -- because it can't. We are aware that if we see a possum or a raccoon out in the broad daylight -- it is most likely sick. Yes, it could be starving (which is sickness), and yes, it could be fleeing because something just invaded its home ... but the bottom line is this: If a nocturnal animal is out in the daytime ~ something is up. If I get out the dog treats, and one of my dogs remained lying on the floor ... that would immediately set off alarm bells in my head. --- So, I ask you: Have you always wanted to lie in bed all day? Always? That's a rhetorical question. As children, we ran, and laughed, and played. We used our imaginations. We had fun. In high school and college, we could (most likely ~ I realize I am generalizing) eat what we now realize was total shit ... yet we could still manage to go out and have fun with our friends, or go out on a date and enjoy it. If I see a human who wants to -- or feels like they need to -- lie in bed all day, I absolutely do not think "lazy". Humans were not designed/wired to be "lazy". It is the absolutely ridiculous disconnect we have with nature, and the completely artificial, man-made "normal" lifestyle we as humans have set up for ourselves ~ all in the name of Progress. If you look at how rapidly things have changed in recent years ... yet the makeup and the fundamental needs of humans has not ... surely you will see why conditions like anxiety and depression are being diagnosed at an all-time high. @Amy_Michigan ~ I am not pinning blame on you, nor am I saying that you should (or should not) lie in bed all day. I am simply giving you my perspective, in hopes that you will see that you really are on a good path ... you are peeling back layers of your own onion. Love yourself through this, show yourself grace. Think about what those fundamental needs of humans are -- the ones we can see, as evidenced throughout history -- and take stock of whether yours are being met.

My husband has heard this before. Then ~ next thing he knows ~ he's hearing, "whatever you do, don't buy me any dark chocolate!" It's one of those things I had a real problem limiting in the past. I'd eat an entire 90% bar all at once, then have heart palpitations and rushing trips to the bathroom. I haven't done that in a long time. I either avoid it altogether -- or, if I decide to try it again for some reason, I buy the small individually-wrapped squares. It doesn't take long before I remember: "Yeah, that's why I stopped eating dark chocolate." --- I think one of the biggest successes I've had since I returned here at the end of December is conquering the Diet Mt. Dew addiction. That began early in 2017, when I went back to college. I remember clearly ... buying one from the vending machine at school, to have in class. It was a "treat". And I started to really look forward to it ... because, of course, I didn't keep that stuff in the house! Now, there's some REAL psychoanalysis stuff that could happen (--> right here <--) but for now I will just say, this turned into an addiction for me ... which lasted throughout most of 2017, 2018, and 2019. Three years. Three years of putting artificial sweeteners, dyes, and a list of other unsavory items into my body -- and, by the end of that time -- like water. It's not that I'm stupid, or that I don't know any better. In fact, in this case, I will say that my self-education worked against me. Because, you see, I've read all about the amino acid phenylalanine, and I know exactly what it does for my brain. It's an antidepressant, among other things. So my husband heard: "Please make sure there is ALWAYS a supply of Diet Dew in the fridge." And occasionally he'd hear: "I have GOT to get off the Diet Dew. Whatever you do, do NOT buy any more." Then he'd hear: "We don't have any Diet Dew here. Please, please bring me one on your way home from work. Please." --- I've been drinking black coffee and sparkling water. I really don't care if it's flavored or not ~ there are just times when I still really do like to have the carbonation. And I don't feel depressed. Sure, I have days that I feel worse than others - like when the sun does not come out at all. But in general ... I feel pretty good. And note: I am saying that in FEBRUARY. So what has changed since I thought I "needed" Diet Mt. Dew to get through my days and function like a normal person? ...Well, a lot has changed. It isn't JUST coming back to Whole 30. But I think coming back to Whole 30 was the impetus for a lot of other really good things. And I think I knew that deep down for quite awhile, before I returned.

Day 6 coming to a close ... Man, I had "a moment" again this afternoon. Craving that damn Lindt bar in the cabinet. It isn't even that good! I bought those when we could not find Sno-caps ANYWHERE on movie night. The caramel inside had a very artificial taste. I know this. Yet ~ still, it screams to me. Ridiculous. I did have my husband bring me an RX bar from the store ... chocolate sea salt ... and that took care of it. I'm going to just go throw the Lindt bar in the trash right now. It cost like $1. It's not worth the temptation. Today was good & productive. We are finally going to do a cash-out refinance on our house and do some much-needed home improvements. So I spent a lot of time moving furniture, etc. I love that. I love being active! Winter just doesn't offer as much opportunity. So I'm glad we are starting some inside projects.

Yes ... I don't mean that we get to control every aspect of our story. In fact, in that particular conversation ~ we were discussing my husband's job ... and his outright refusal to picture any other story for himself than the one he chose at the age of 18. He could choose a different story ... he really could. Especially now that I am an RN, our kids are all older, and I'm in a good place to be able to help with much of the financial needs. Nope. Not happening. So I was telling our son ... figure out what is important to you, what is really important, right now while you guys are just starting out. Put together a list of values, priorities. Evaluate, and continue to re-evaluate. Because at some point, you may find yourself making choices in a way that does NOT line up with what was once important to you. Then it's time to stop and take stock: Wait, what am I doing? Why am I doing it? Does it even make me happy? And -- is it in line with what is fundamentally important to me?