Brewer5

Hi. How's it going?

I got ready to head out the door to work yesterday - realized I hadn't eaten anything, and I had no plan. Grabbed a pile of air fryer bacon sitting on the counter, and a teeny tiny can of tuna salad that I had gotten back when coronavirus first hit. Because, you know ... we would all survive a really long time with that tiny can to save us! So I crammed that food down at about 4pm at work. Got home at about 11:30 pm and had a big bowl of cole slaw veggies, with HB eggs chopped up in it, and an obscene amount of Tessamae's ranch. That hit the spot - and I promptly passed out. In my scrubs.

So yesterday ended up looking like, "well, I guess I'll just do carnivore" with some cole slaw & ranch, potato & ghee thrown in later in the day. Lol. That's not carnivore at all. Point being - there wasn't anything in the danger zone for me. I think I'll keep posting daily just to keep track of what's going on.

@ShadowInTheKitchen ~ yes, I have to go. My MIL has dementia and I will be the one in charge of her care. This is a huge, big deal ... taking her from the tiny (tiny) town she's been in her entire life ... saying goodbye to her mom, son, grandkids, and her house. Going away from everything she's ever known. What a blessing that I went back to school, became an RN, and specialize in elderly / dementia care. I understand what is going on with her, and I am a comfort to her in a way that perhaps her sons are not so much. It's hard for them to recognize and deal with the disease and not look at her as same-old mom, and try to treat her in that manner. It's a big transition ... and I definitely need to be there for my husband, and for her, at this time. Also - I have 3 teen boys and 2 sheltie dogs at home. Lol. Enough said!

Lol @Blueautumn ~ the great news is, these mad cravings (like for cheese) DO go away. They really, truly do not last the entire time. Promise. You will find things that fill the void, and it will become a thing of the past. You will be able to look back and say: I conquered it!

Yesterday my friend came again for a couple of hours, and we got the cabinets all finished - and when he left, I finished the flooring. Finally! People, I am so done with flooring. Lol. Then I painted about half of the kitchen. Whew. I haven't talked about it here yet - but my MIL is coming to live with us. We are going to travel 800 miles this weekend to get her. I know I talked about it a couple of months ago, when we thought it was going to happen - but now, it's for real. She can no longer stay with her mother, and we do not want to put her in a facility. Not at this point. If we reach that point down the road, it still needs to be a facility here with us. We were given this deadline - she has to be out of her mom's government-subsidized duplex by June 1 - or they are going to kick them BOTH out. Yikes. So this news came in the middle of these projects I had already started - and now, I'm in a rush to get them finished. My husband has used the words "I am in panic mode" and I have been steadily countering that with: "It's going to be okay". It's going to be okay. ...It IS going to be okay. But man, there's a lot to do. -- So, while I was working, working yesterday - he says he and the kids are going to Arby's. I say, I'll take the 1/2 pound of beef, no bun. They come home, food sits on the counter for a bit ... and when I get to a stopping point to finally EAT - all I see is a bowl with (apparently beef under there somewhere) a GIANT gob of Arby's cheddar sauce concoction. My initial reaction was one of shock: "Whose is this? You didn't get this for ME, did you?" ..."Oh, shit, sorry, I just had it in my head that you wanted what I get, and I get the beef & cheddar." Somewhere in there, I threw out the fact that "I've been doing Whole 30 for about a month and a half now". But mainly, I clammed up. Like, just snapped shut. He offered to go get me what I wanted, and I said forget it. It doesn't matter. I don't want it. And I just kept working. Working, working, working. But I was hurt. -- At some point I grabbed a banana. Then later - much later - I had him peel me a potato for the air fryer. I crammed that down with some ranch. I ate some cole slaw veggies in the remaining ranch on my plate. Then he cooked frozen steaks in the air fryer. I ate maybe a few ounces of steak - it was red inside, which I don't enjoy, and it had some "weird spots" I couldn't handle. So, as you can imagine - after going, going, going like some kind of freaking machine ALL day - the bag of wavy Lay's called to me at about midnight. And I ate them. Zero regret here re: chips ... my only regret is that I didn't fuel myself properly throughout the day, and it affected my mood, and it caught up to me at a time when I should have been in bed. Today is a new day. Sending love, light, and good vibes out there to anyone reading. "It's going to be okay!"

Yes, I did decide to eat 6 mozzarella sticks from Arby's last night, along with what I believe is compliant roast beef (?) - after working, working, working to redo the kitchen yesterday with an old friend. I can't say there was A LOT of thought put into this ... I can say I'm not beating myself up about it. Those cheese sticks are one of my favorite things - however, my heart did pound like crazy afterwards. Possibly enough to cause future avoidance. This is good. For lunch we had Burger King (umm, my kitchen is destroyed right now and we were working hard!) - again, not sure about what is in their burger patties, and don't care at this point. I had two patties, tomato, onion, pickle, lettuce, and my Tessamae's ranch. It was good - but MAN it slowed me down in my work. I had to make a trip to Lowe's right after, and I just didn't wanna. Ugh. Drank a cup of coffee and powered through. Feeling good about the work we are getting done ... also, it was a really enjoyable day with this guy I hadn't seen in a long time. He is full of stories, personality and character. I dig that. It was good vibes. Reminded me of how much we are social beings, and that is a need of mine that too often goes neglected. Two rabbits came up to visit with us while we were sitting on the swing on the front patio at the end of our work day. I mean, they came up CLOSE ... like 4 feet away. And stared at us. For awhile. It was unreal. I have lived in this house for 17 years, and they've never done that. Ever. This guy has been all over the world in his army days, and even he was like, "I have never been this close to a wild rabbit..." It was a moment. A moment of childlike wonder. Were they listening to our conversation? Were they trying to tell us something? We laughed and just enjoyed this moment with nature so much. Good times.

@Blueautumn ~ I am so, so proud of you for being able to log Day 1 completed successfully. Seriously, that is huge - and I'd like for you to just close your eyes and let that really sink in for a moment. Deep breaths. You've got this. Now, this is where my Yoda kicks in. Old and wise. I have two words for you: fat and salt. You perfectly understand protein, veggies, and fruits - and you won't need any help there. I agree that you don't need the added pressure of trying to make your plate look perfectly balanced every time you eat. Not right now. But I want you to understand the power of fat for satiety. You love butter - find that ghee. As in, now. Your husband who loves you so much needs to make that his ONE mission today. Also: understand that when you make a switch like this, from a diet of "trash" as you have said so many times - your body goes through a very reliable chain of events: you start burning through your stored glycogen - first in your liver, and then in your muscles. As you lose this glycogen, you lose a lot of stored water as well, and sodium follows water. Electrolyte imbalances are responsible for SO many symptoms of "carb flu". Really making a concentrated effort to get plenty of salt can alleviate much of this unnecessary suffering. Be gentle with yourself, friend. Night shift is its own beast. I recommend it for approximately zero percent of humans. I do understand that the hospital is a 24/7 machine - and I respect the work you do. Just please, please try to get as much rest as you possibly can. It is vital. Hugs and love across the miles ... today is a new day. Day 2!

@Blueautumn ~ I am sending all of the good, loving, positive vibes your way right. now. It's 11:11 pm. You're at work. Just know you're not alone! {Is that creepy?}. I don't care! Lol.

Day 3: 5/23/20 — 12:00 pm: W30 frozen meal w/ ghee — 3:30 pm: burger, bacon, mayo, OJ & sparkling water combo — 6:30 pm: air fryer steak fries w/ avocado ranch — 10:15 pm: W30 frozen meal w/ ghee, diced potatoes — I’m all out of the frozen meals now, and I don’t think I’m going to buy them anymore. Too many FODMAPs in there. Super convenient, though!

Day 2: 5/22/20 — So today was a weird eating day. I had two frozen W30 meals, cooked together with ghee ... spread out - a little before work, and the rest when I got home. {shrug} I'm having a 10 oz. bottle of OJ mixed with a sparkling water now, and I guess that's it for today. It's late and I'm not hungry.

Day 1: 5/21/20 (cont) — I went through an experience much like the worst-ever hangover feeling this morning after posting that I was starting again. I felt like my blood sugar was all out of whack, and in a panic, and the worst headache. It was scary. It is now thoroughly etched in my brain as something I never want to experience again. Ever. — 10:45 am: (4) eggs w/ ghee, air fryer steak fries, few sips of orange juice — 2:30 pm: finished the 10-oz bottle of OJ — 6:15 pm: (2) chicken breasts, cole slaw veggies w/ ranch — 11:30 pm: air fryer steak fries w/ avocado ranch — Shenanigans over. Feels good to just be back to my real food.

Whole 30 is not restrictive to me ... although I know some feel it is. Whole 30 actually expands my choices. I can get into some bad (for me) territory while remaining completely "compliant". To be quite honest - when I have felt 100% my best was when I was eating nothing but meat, fish, and eggs - and drinking nothing but coffee and water. My goal was to remain within W30 food guidelines re: compliant foods, and actually narrow that down further to eliminate the things that are still causing me digestive distress. At the very least, the goal was to remain with some combination of W30 foods. Instead - I hit those 30 days and something shifted in my brain. It's happened before, so it doesn't surprise me - yet it does, all at the same time. I know what it feels like to be on a good path, and I know what it feels like when I've traveled too far out in the weeds. I just want to get back on a good path again. If numbering my days helps, that's what I will do.

@ShadowInTheKitchen ~ I started off my last 31 day streak not really knowing how far I'd go. I wanted to make it through at least 11 days, because I think I'd only successfully completed 10 in a row this year. So I am starting again. I'd like to see 32 days and go from there. If that doesn't happen - I'd like to have a damned good reason for it. I'd like it to be thought out, and I'd like to feel in control of my decisions again. I think the difference is that I'm not doing a careful reintro. I've been there, done that, and already decided that it doesn't take me anywhere good. I have a LOT of reactions and intolerances to foods ... I have learned about this over many years, and it is still a process / in progress. For example, I know that I have histamine intolerance. What does this mean? Well, it means that there is a certain level of histamine my body can process before I become symptomatic. It doesn't mean that I can't have any histamine-containing or histamine-releasing foods - (that is next to impossible) - however, it does mean that when I reach a certain level, I am going to experience unpleasant symptoms - and I'd much rather avoid that. So, it is something I have to remain aware of. That is just one example of the complexities with me and food. I could go on. What I went through this morning was enough to convince me that gluten = poison, which I'd already decided years ago. So, why did I put it in my body? Maybe I needed the painful reminder. Maybe it has confirmed / solidified what I already knew. It is never a failure if you grow and gain strength in the process. I can say what's right for me and my body - but that's where it ends. We each have our own unique lives ... we have jobs, kids, stresses, responsibilities. Some here love to cook, and some want things as simple and easy as possible. Is one right, and the other wrong? No. They're just different. The end goal is the same for each of us: and that is to be our very best. I have not been at my best while not eating W30. And that ends now.

Day 1: 5/21/20 — I don’t want to forget this headache. A headache is telling us something is wrong. So many people think they can just take painkillers, and that a headache is no big deal. But they mean something. There is no doubt what this one is telling me. — I don’t even want to talk about yesterday. I don’t know WTF has come over me - gluten is the one thing I have really successfully stayed away from since 2012. There is good reason for that. If you had a beautiful new plant growing out in the sun, would you dump donuts all around its base, and expect that to do good things? What about a bun? Well, that just sounds ridiculous, now, doesn’t it? You might put meat or eggs or fruits or veggies there - and expect that it would get some nutrients. We don’t show LOVE to ourselves or others with donuts and buns. Love is wanting what’s best. I work hard to make sure we can afford 100% ground-up animals to feed my dogs their raw carnivorous diet. I don’t give them things they wouldn’t find in nature. The dogs deserve better? I don't think so.