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Emma last won the day on February 4

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  1. Emma

    Emma' Whole 30 (February 1)

    I'm still here - not gone. Ate a HUGE wonderful lunch yesterday of cooked slaw, onions, eggs, and sausage. Ate almonds as snacks. Drank my water and my coffee. But at dinner time, with the relatives, we went out to a Mexican restaurant. I ordered carnitas so I had some good intentions, but I didn't really because I ate lots of tortilla chips and then I ate my rice and beans. I ate a LOT. Too much. I felt uncomfortably stuffed. Oh - and I had a beer. Geez - I didn't really go into that with any time of good plan at all!!! The beer was nice though because the weekend is annoying and stressful. I put my work on hold to be a guest (work that I procrastinate on already) and so I feel resentful or annoyed though I also know that it's not really fair. Still - last night when I was stuffed, I was bummed that I knew I wouldn't wake up as bright and ready to go as I did yesterday morning. And, that's what happened! My legs and arms fell asleep while I slept and I woke up to a numb foot. This happens when I've been eating well and then eat a meal high in salts - I assume it's the salt. Sighing - I guess I just need to test this out again and again and again till i realize the consequence isn't worth it. Yesterday, I was aware that my mood had shifted and I was happier and feeling cleaner in my brain. Today, I'm a bit grumbly. Mood, Food. On good notes though, I have spent time this weekend reading instead of being on the computer and time in the mornings cuddling with my kids instead of leaving the house and going to the gym or work. I'd be happier in the short run with the gym and work getting done, but in the long run, the time on the sofa with my kids is far more important and valuable. So....today is either a Day One or a Day Zero. Obviously I'm not quite committed. I don't predict any major benders or huge forays into the world of crappy eating, but I'm not totally barring myself from a few stretches - like a healthy lunch or dinner that isn't 100% Whole 30 compliant.
  2. Emma

    Emma' Whole 30 (February 1)

    I loved reading this response from you. Weight is such a crazy isn't it - and the fact that it's such an issue for so many people. I do owe it to myself to not lose traction for too long - but it's sure hard to keep focused on that!
  3. Emma

    Emma' Whole 30 (February 1)

    I thought of you today, BabyBear! I was on my second beef stick, second lara bar, and so tempted to eat the chocolate bar in my pocket. It's soy free chocolate which I would eat when I was eating clean, but not officially Whole30. Sighing. I did want to eat it. But I didn't! Day Two: I cooked up the bok choy (that was still fresh looking!) with three eggs and an onion. I baked up slices of sweet potato. I got myself to bedtime. I don't want to topple over again. It's so hard to get back here. It's easier to just persevere (also, easier said than done - obviously). Today I saw a photo of me. I can look at the photo and see me. I can also appreciate how much more pleasant it is to look at a photo this year as opposed to last year where I weighed 50 plus pounds more. I've been feeling pretty good about my weight loss. It was substantial and I feel SO much better physically and mentally. I've been also aware that I've gained some weight again, and lost a bit, and gained a bit. I'm okay with it - the ebb and flow of things as I find my balance eating well. But, today looking at the photo, I saw myself thinking I don't look as thin as I perceive myself to be. Last year I was aware that losing weight was going to positively impact all other areas of my life so I buckled down and focused. These days I am not as focused because I don't feel that sense of urgency. But looking at the photo, I saw that my body will be happier and healthier if my new set point is 20 pounds less. I've created a new set point (set zone) where I've been now for a couple months, but I think it's time to start thinking about a new one. But....this is all evening talk and it was only a wee bit ago that I was considering eating a chocolate bar. Ha. It's time for bed. Tomorrow the relatives come to visit and I have to put away laundry, change bedding, and clean the bathrooms in the morning. Bleh!
  4. Emma

    Emma' Whole 30 (February 1)

    Ha - I did! Ten pounds gained! It's got to be all bloated weight. I don't think I actually ate enough calories to gain ten pounds of real weight, though my skewed perspective imagines I did. I just read back through my posts. Amy's digestive ills reminded me of mine on Saturday the 8th. Reading back, I slept poorly Friday night. I assumed it was caffeine or excited thoughts, but maybe it was an unhappy body fighting off something in the bowels of my bowels (haha). I also noticed that the foods I ate the following week were not the best for me. They were tasty and I was cooking, but they were not my go-to foods and I was really bloated and reacting to things (bloated from nuts perhaps, reacting to tomatoes). Nothing in this is quick and easy and I'm glad I tried out the recipes and I'd make them again, but not just yet. Last night, I woke up at three and couldn't fall back asleep till five. That's not my norm, but I did eat late last night. My mind kept swirling around work and all the things that stress me out. I was aware of this, but it took a move to the sofa and a book to regroup my brain. Thankfully, I did sleep some more and woke up on my own at 6:30. Oh crap! It's almost time for me to have to get up and rush to get out of the house on time. Bummer!!! So...Day Two - Starting off with healthier foods working their way through my gut via yesterday, bloating in my gut and fingers and face (maybe salt from the coconut aminos last night, stress in my being, annoyance at things, stress over today....:) It's good I'm here.
  5. Emma

    Amy's Log for 2020

    I look at that tea sampler and think....not for me! But you know - maybe I'd like it! I'll keep my eyes open at the store. Super kudos for prepping your lunch AND getting up and making some breakfast!!! As for the digestive scenario - maybe it's your change in eating or maybe you just picked up a small stomach bug. You should still do all the good balanced stuff, of course, but maybe the lack of balance didn't cause it. I even wonder if your not eating could be due to a small stomach bug. I only say this because we had one go through work and people didn't get the normal headache and icky feelings, but we all had a couple hours of bathroom use and it impacted our eating. Well....anyway...you're rocking it this morning!!!
  6. Emma

    Amy's Log for 2020

    I don't eat when I'm stressed. Most of the time it doesn't seem to impact me in any way that I notice and I often feel better because I'm not putting things in my system that bog it down. But, at the same time, there is something to that "take care of yourself" thinking. I'm impressed that you're planning on prepping your foods in the evening.
  7. Emma

    Emma' Whole 30 (February 1)

    Day One: It helps putting things in perspective and realizing I only fell off the path for four or five days. My binge eating of junk was a little crazy, but even so, I bet it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I cooked up cabbage and pork last night as well as roasted cauliflower. I'm eating it now after a long day. I didn't get to the gym as planned because I had to pick up the kids, but I ate clean foods and made it till evening. I'm back on board. I was definitely tempted early evening when I didn't have time to get to the store like planned and all I had at work was frozen veggies. I wanted the chocolate cake. I wanted the frozen Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches. Or the frozen chicken nuggets, but I didn't have them. Instead I microwaved up that big bowl of frozen veggies.They'd have tasted better with garlic powder and been more filling with some protein other than almonds, but overall....it worked. @Amy_Michigan My husband got into tea. I try here and there, but haven't found a love for it yet, except when I give up coffee. Perhaps I'll give it a go. I do like having Lara Bars on hand and currently I have none. i also like the blueberry one. @BabyBear I am back and that is what matters. And I'm so glad you all are still here!!! Not sure what I'll eat tomorrow because I just finished off the cabbage, pork, and cauliflower, but I know I didn't like how I was feeling over the weekend. I need to constantly remember why I am doing this because it's so hard to get sidetracked.
  8. Emma

    Amy's Log for 2020

    Oh Amy - I laughed out loud at that! I was so embarrassed also at my falling apart. I'm not cheering on your chocolate eating, but I sure do get it! I guess part of this process if figuring out what blindsides us and then how we react to it. YOU reacted far more gracefully than me!!!
  9. Emma

    Emma' Whole 30 (February 1)

    Smiling and a bit of laughing out loud - Well, @BabyBear and @Amy_Michigan I did slip a bit into the abyss and I did do some justification about taking advantage of a slip up to postpone things, but I am still here - just not back in the saddle or on the trail. I sure do love that I was gone a few days (maybe even more than a few) and that I knew when I came back, there would be people still here most likely hoping I was still around. I am very thankful for that and it was nice reading your words and encouragement. I was trekking up a mountain with my backpack, just plugging along, when I started to take some liberties. I felt myself floundering and I knew my load was heavy and I knew I'd been staying to the path and persevering, but boy - I just toppled. I didn't topple quickly. I kinda slow toppled and then went with it....quite a ways down the hill. And then I'd dust myself off and eat something healthy and then eat some junk and topple some more. The crazy thing is...I have felt horrible physically. Nothing in the things I have been eating have felt good. And a couple things left me feeling horrible in my head and crazy tired like I had some allergic reaction, but was semi numb to things so I couldn't isolate it. And even while I've felt bloated and headachy and fat and grumpy and behind, I've just eaten more and more sugar. And not just one, but numerous bars of ice cream. And each day, I say, I'll get back up on the trail tomorrow and each tomorrow, I find myself loving the "freedom" of eating whatever the f I want. Except I don't really want those things. I do in the moment. But they don't taste near as good as a good meal and they all leave me feeling sh----. Again, I'm reminded that this is exactly like an addiction for me. I don't want to eat the crap and yet I do. And I justify it or deny what I'm doing and eat some more. But....the good news...there's still a lot of good food in my fridge My cauliflower had some brown edges on it, but once roasted, who cares! My pork tenderloin didn't smell bad so I cooked that up too. My coleslaw in a bag looks just fine (I love cabbage for its staying power). My spaghetti squash sounds so unappetizing, but it's still probably okay. I guess the also good news is that I have continued to go to the gym. Laughing. I feel like I was gone for WEEKS! Or MONTHS! I just scrolled back - it was only last Thursday. Wow - what a lot of screwed up eating I managed to do in such a short time! So...back to the good news. I went to the gym Thursday night, Sunday, and Monday. I'll go again tomorrow. Good news....I ate asparagus the other day (in between ice cream bars). I ate spaghetti squash with the cashew sauce Saturday night instead of the store bought pesto sauce. The bad news: lots of chocolates, shortbread cookies, dairy free ice cream bars, dairy free cheesecake, more sugary crap. I watched Brittney Runs a Marathon last night and enjoyed it. I felt a bit like Brittney at times as I went back to the kitchen to get some more food to eat that I didn't even really want. My thoughts about my toppling off the trail....I was eating a lot of nuts and I remember my system feeling bloated and full and not being able to use the restroom and I think when my body feels "off" I try to fix it by eating things - seeking the thing that will make it feel better. Even coffee isn't doing it these days. There isn't really a magical "fix" other than letting this stuff pass through my system and then just putting the clean stuff in. Blech blech blech! I'm still here and I'm hoping tomorrow is my Day One again.
  10. Emma

    Emma' Whole 30 (February 1)

    @BabyBear @Amy_Michigan I saw your messages last night before bed and I so appreciated the words and I so felt guilty and ashamed - I feel like I've let down the team. I couldn't even write. I know it's okay. This is all part of the process and it's certainly supposed to be about me and not the feelings of others....but I still felt badly. And I think this is a good thing! It's seeing things from the perspective of the person with the clear eyes (you guys) instead of my own muddled self. So yes, I totally biffed it yesterday. And I'm super thankful to have messages from you guys instead of feeling lost in some "woe is me all alone" type of screwed up mental scenario! And I have to tell you that this morning, I am feeling it the effects of biffing it. I have a headache. I'm bloated. I feel like I want to throw up. I'd like to go to the bathroom, but I can't. I'm up too early. This will all pass - eventually all the things causing issues with my system will move on through, but for now....crud...what an icky way to start a day. The good news is that I did go to the gym last night and I did a really good beginner workout of the treadmill, the 30 minute circuit routine, and stretching. THAT was all good. The bad....well, I think the eating the night before triggered digestive stuff. I didn't poop yesterday morning. I needed to, but couldn't yet. At work I felt bloated, but was in a good mood. At lunch, I saw chocolate cake and felt a desire to have some so instead I made a big bowl of frozen veggies with ghee. I felt good about that. At a meeting someone passed out fruit cups in a cupcake shell. I ate the fruit and then a couple bites of cheese and then the shell. What the heck! And then around five I ate some chocolates and some more and then went to the gym and came home tired and ate the Daiya bars and the chocolate covered seed clusters that are probably filled with salt (because they're wonderful good and crunchy and crispy) and I didn't just eat an appropriate amount of any of that. I totally binged which is something I really don't do. And I was cognizant of everything as I did it. So....no pooping yesterday morning. Bloated and feeling "off" from the previous night's non-balanced foods. No protein during the day. No Rx bars or anything to eat instead while at work. And then gluttony. But the thought of any of those foods makes me feel nauseous so I think that's a good thing - kinda like the cigarette smokers that are supposed to fill a jar of water with the butts and get disgusted by it all (except that I don't think that is very effective). This good unpleasant reaction in my body and a clear cause and effect IS effective. Except that people get hangovers and clearly know the cause and effect and that doesn't change things. BUT, I have reasons for wanting to eat well. Maybe I also lost sight of those reasons. Well, certainly I lost sight of all of my moorings yesterday. I'm not lost thankfully. As I showered I tried to figure out the formula. Is it "plus three, minus two" or is it, "plus 12, minus 1". I don't think it's that. One big screwup day causes more backsliding than just one day. So maybe it's "plus three, minus two". I'm calling it Day Zero. I know I didn't like how I ate yesterday, but am I ready to get back on today to Day One. It's Valentine's. We're going out. I was planning on bringing my own foods and sneaking them in. Perhaps I will. It's not a place with food I like. In fact, it's the same place the evening we went before starting this Whole30 on February 1st. The crazy thing about yesterday was the first bites of the things that didn't serve me well. I knew they didn't. I didn't really try not to. I let them serve as a floodgate. I felt my addictive brain saying, "Eat it - and then let's go get all those other things - Let's go to McDonalds" I did not go to McDonalds. I did not eat any baked goods at work in the staff room, but the two chocolates that led to four more chocolates.....that sugar. And my body feeling out of sorts. In our fridge is spaghetti squash already cooked, asparagus waiting to be grilled up with buttery ghee and a dash of salt. There is pork tenderloin ready to get cut up into small pieces and lots of broccoli slaw to make some Egg Roll in a Bowl. And ALL of those things (not the Egg Roll cuz it's too salty) sound really good to me right now. Except that I'm too bloated and uncomfortable to eat. It's just another lesson pointing out why I should be eating cleaner foods. But gadz - the addictive behavior of falling apart and only two weeks in. But, it was on Day 15 that I screwed up in my Whole30 last year. This is definitely a tricky time period. So....as I begin this day...I am thankful for other people and their support. I am thankful I went to the gym. I am thankful I have a fridge full of healthy food. I am thankful that I feel like crap from the crappy food. I am reminded that I need to remember why I am doing this process.
  11. Emma

    Emma' Whole 30 (February 1)

    Day 13 - I think I'm floundering a bit. I'm still here, but not in any type of graceful or "I got this" way. I didn't eat much at work yesterday and when we ran by Costco afterwards, I was hungry and wanting all things sweet and savory and labeled "paleo!" or "natural!" or any other marketing ploy. Did you know Daiya makes ice cream bars now? And there are chocolate covered nut and seed clusters? And... There were lots of things calling my name. I ate almonds and more almonds and this morning my stomach is reminding me of all the almonds I ate. We never even had an actual dinner last night. The day itself, though, was fine, though I wish I'd gotten more done the last two hours of work - I kinda fell apart. I also haven't meditated in a few days. Meditation doesn't feel like my keystone habit, but I think and suspect there is something to it. Bleh bleh bleh. It takes SO much mental energy to stay focused on these things and I'm only on Day 13. It feels like I've been expending energy on this for eons. What's also funny is how well I was just plugging along last Fall without much effort and now, after the slippery slope of Dec/Jan, it's all so hard again. Thankfully, I have lots of stuff in the fridge so I can cook up things fairly easily.
  12. Emma

    Ktinegv February log

    I love the photos! I take photos of many of my meals and when people start to talk about Whole30 being wacko or unhealthy or something, I show them photos of my meals.
  13. Emma

    Like an Onion

    Beautiful day to you. As for your onion title - I loved it! I thought, "Ahhhh, heaven, another person who speaks in metaphors!" I once heard a trauma counselor refer to an onion as similar to talking about traumas and each time you talk about it, you get closer to the inside, but it takes a lot of layers. Onions are cool things.
  14. Your observations are SO good to read. I tried to do a reintro last time and I suppose I did, but not really enough to gather many observations. Mainly I just stayed away from the foods I thought were an issue. Reading your description of wanting the biscuit and the donuts that weren't even an issue before was affirming! There is a crazy brain/gut reaction and it doesn't seem to take much to open the floodgates of desire. Gluten was one of the things I didn't reintro because I don't eat it much, but at some point I started going to the bakery and not soon after I was eating a pretty sugar based diet. I guess this time maybe I'll test out the gluten and see if it has a similar reaction to you. I wouldn't be surprised if it does.
  15. Emma

    Emma' Whole 30 (February 1)

    Day 12 Slept really well again - and would have kept sleeping a bit more except that I heard my husband's alarm. I rarely use or need an alarm, but I guess today I did! My face is a bit puffy from all the salt I ate last night, but overall things are fine physically. The good sleep really is nice. I just looked at the Whole30 timeline. Days 10 and 11 are the give-up days. I didn't. Day 12 is the start of "boundless energy, give me the twinkie day". I don't think the timeline fits super well, certainly not as I return to Whole30 as a reset, but it's still worth thinking about. I was tempted by a baked good yesterday and had the thought, "just one won't be an issue." True - IF I was eating Whole30-esque. But I'm not - I'm on the reset. There was something else too, but I can't remember. The sleep though. I need to remember that only 12 days ago, I was complaining about crappy sleep because I was hot and cold and my knee pain was waking me up. Only 12 days ago, but it took me almost a month to get to that first day. Busy day ahead, but it's snowing and I'm home in the evening except for an hour where I signed up to go to a class at the gym.