My boyfriend thinks it's too much

[Desiree]

I'm just about done my first Whole30 of the year and since it's my birthday on Saturday, I wanted to give myself the weekend off. I mentioned to my boyfriend last night that I feel great so on Monday I'm planning on starting round 2. 

 

As I said this, his mood changed and I could tell he wasn't pleased. He misses us being able to order take-out and have drinks on weekends. Now that I've stopped drinking, he feels like he has to drink alone. He doesn't want to order bad food for takeout for himself and have me eating 'whatever I can throw together'. I quit smoking as well and last weekend we were in a room full of smokers and, while I dealt with it, it was really bothering me. He feels like too much is changing too quickly.

 

I've been trying to cook him non-Whole30 meals and he'll eat what I make for myself from time to time but he 'needs' pasta/potatoes/rice with almost every meal. He hates sweet potato, squash and anything 'weird'. I admit sometimes I just wish he'd do this with me but he's so reluctant that it's not going to happen.

 

I guess I just needed to vent a bit. I'm doing this to be healthier but I don't want it to negatively affect my relationship. I'm not prepared to go back to our old routine.

[JJB]

He sounds a little insecure? Maybe he's worried this healthy new you will either decide he's not good enough anymore, or that you'll expect him to follow suit and he's not ready to do that. Or he just realizes his habits are unhealthy but doesn't want to change, and it makes him defensive to have you abstain and make him face it on a regular basis.

 

Imagining myself in your shoes, it would be very tempting to fall back to the security and comfort of old routines just to keep the peace. I hope you don't allow that to happen. Honoring your body doesn't mean you care for him any less, or that your relationship needs to change. Maybe he needs help understanding that. Are there new routines/hobbies you two can find that don't involve being around unhealthy food or alcohol, but that still give you quality time together every week?

[Marceeruns]

That has to be so hard, I'm sorry! I would try to openly discuss with him your reasons and the benefits you've seen and how you just don't want to go back to your old ways.. It might take time but I think if he knew how important it was, he would come around.. Best of luck!!!

[Physibeth]

Great advice so far. Here are my thoughts that may not be popular or taken well. You are not married yet so this is the time to evaluate whether the path your life is taking is close enough to the path that his life is taking to continue to walk that path together. I would give very different advice to someone dealing with this who is married (my husband is the poster child for the standard American diet) because that is a commitment. But dating is figuring out if a commitment is worth it.

 

Yes try and talk it out and work it out. But ultimately if he asks you to choose him or your health which is more important to you? 

 

As an aside...what are your reasons for doing a 2nd Whole30 right away rather than doing careful introductions and figuring out how to ride your own bike? Was this your first Whole30 ever or just the first one in 2014?

[krr1112]

its definitely hard when you s.o. won't particpate. mine was supposed to do the Whole 30 with me ( a first for both of us) and the day before we were to start he decided that it would be too hard for him so I have gone it alone. I am now on day 24 with day 30 falling on 02/05. But he has decided that he will try the last week with me so I am extending mine through the 9th so he will have a full week. For him its tough because there are not a lot of vegtables that he will eat and he does not like sweet potatoes. He is a traditional meat and baked potato guy. But he has seen the progress I have made and has said he is way proud of me which I think has motavited him to at least try. He has already started cutting back on the bread that he normally would eat.

[JJB]

Yes try and talk it out and work it out. But ultimately if he asks you to choose him or your health which is more important to you? 

 

 

Totally agree. If there are any ultimatums either given or implied...it might be time to consider moving on.

[Desiree]

He sounds a little insecure? Maybe he's worried this healthy new you will either decide he's not good enough anymore, or that you'll expect him to follow suit and he's not ready to do that. Or he just realizes his habits are unhealthy but doesn't want to change, and it makes him defensive to have you abstain and make him face it on a regular basis.

 

Imagining myself in your shoes, it would be very tempting to fall back to the security and comfort of old routines just to keep the peace. I hope you don't allow that to happen. Honoring your body doesn't mean you care for him any less, or that your relationship needs to change. Maybe he needs help understanding that. Are there new routines/hobbies you two can find that don't involve being around unhealthy food or alcohol, but that still give you quality time together every week?

 

I think that's part of it. He can be insecure sometimes, I guess we all are. Maybe I'm so caught up in all of this that I'm neglecting him a little. I should evaluate that.. thank you. 

 

[Desiree]

Great advice so far. Here are my thoughts that may not be popular or taken well. You are not married yet so this is the time to evaluate whether the path your life is taking is close enough to the path that his life is taking to continue to walk that path together. I would give very different advice to someone dealing with this who is married (my husband is the poster child for the standard American diet) because that is a commitment. But dating is figuring out if a commitment is worth it.

 

Yes try and talk it out and work it out. But ultimately if he asks you to choose him or your health which is more important to you? 

 

As an aside...what are your reasons for doing a 2nd Whole30 right away rather than doing careful introductions and figuring out how to ride your own bike? Was this your first Whole30 ever or just the first one in 2014?

 

While we're not married legally we've been together for almost 5 years and have been living together for longer than half of that time. We're pretty committed and are looking at purchasing our first home soon. I do understand your point of view but I wouldn't really say we're 'dating' anymore lol 

That being said, I doubt it would ever come down to an ultimatum BUT if it did, my health and well-being are more important to me than pretty much anything. 

 

I wanted to do a second Whole30 to really get myself into the routine. I'm finding it fairly easy but I don't know if I'm ready for reintroduction yet. I did a Whole30 last June and while it went well, it didn't stick past the 30 days. I ended up going back to my bad habits and eating like garbage fairly quickly

[Physibeth]

While we're not married legally we've been together for almost 5 years and have been living together for longer than half of that time. We're pretty committed and are looking at purchasing our first home soon. I do understand your point of view but I wouldn't really say we're 'dating' anymore lol 

That being said, I doubt it would ever come down to an ultimatum BUT if it did, my health and well-being are more important to me than pretty much anything. 

 

I wanted to do a second Whole30 to really get myself into the routine. I'm finding it fairly easy but I don't know if I'm ready for reintroduction yet. I did a Whole30 last June and while it went well, it didn't stick past the 30 days. I ended up going back to my bad habits and eating like garbage fairly quickly

 

All totally understandable things.

 

If you think you need more time perhaps extend it a week at a time. You might not need another entire 30 days. What I've seen happen a lot is people in your place that just keep going until something they want bad enough comes along and then a real solid introduction process doesn't happen. I think regardless of what you choose having a definite end day with a reintroduction plan is key to learning to ride your own bike. I also think that once you know what your reactions are you can make pretty solid rules for yourself. I do this and I state them clearly in my post-W30 log so that the people that follow my log can call me out on things. Accountability is key.

[0Angel0]

I think that's part of it. He can be insecure sometimes, I guess we all are. Maybe I'm so caught up in all of this that I'm neglecting him a little. I should evaluate that.. thank you. 

 

As someone who had done multiple W30s with a partner who chooses to eat differently from me I can't stress enough how important mutual respect is.  You have every right to expect support from him and he has the right to expect it from you in return.  A W30 can be just as tough for our partners as it is for us.  For my bf a little acknowledgement and a thank you for the support he gives me goes a long way. We don't go out to eat during my W30 and not that often otherwise but when I'm not one I will defer to him on restaurant choices as a little thank you.  Luckily everywhere has meat, eggs, seafood, and veggies!

 

In another post you mentioned to him that he doesn't want to order take out while you fix something else.  Why not?  That happens all the time here.  I cook a few times a week and there is always healthy food in the fridge plus a side of rice, bread, or potatoes if he wants but sometimes he chooses to order out.  I don't see how that's a big deal.  If your bf wants to sit down and eat together can't you just eat your individual meals and enjoy each other's company?   

 

It sounds like maybe he just needs some reassurances that things won't be turned upside down over something he is not choosing to participate it.  Trust me it's completely possible to have a happy drama free W30/nonW30 relationship.  My bf and I have been together 4 years and living together for 3 and we are definitely committed although I don't feel the need to get legally married.  There are all kinds of families and commitments.  Just try to put some focus back on the bf for a bit.  I lost a lot of weight over the past 2 years and I know how self absorbing that can be.  There were times I had to stop making it all about me and my journey to health and focus on him for a change.  There might be some adjusting but trust me it's totally doable!!  Good luck!  

[(m)eat to live]

Here's why I think this is a tough one.... are you trying to make permanent lifestyle changes in your eating patterns, or are you just doing Whole30s for temporary benefits?

 

The reason I ask is this: it's one thing if you love golf and your partner doesn't play, because you don't play every day. It's one thing if you hate cheese and your partner doesn't because cheese isn't a meal.

 

But, if this is someone you want to share the rest of your life with (which it kind of sounds that way) then you need to consider if your long-term eating habits are going to be compatible with his if you choose to stick with some form of Paleo lifestyle. I'd say most co-habitating couples eat at least one meal together each day, sometimes more, depending on schedules. If he's not willing to accept what you're going to eat, even if he chooses to eat differently but still gives you a hard time about it or makes you feel guilty, that is not sustainable. It's not. If he's going to harangue you about not drinking every weekend, that's not sustainable.

 

First and foremost, I think you need to decide if this is a diet or a lifestyle for you. If you feel like it's a lifestyle, then you need to sit down and have a real heart-to-heart with him. I disagree with the thought that you need to "support" his decision not to participate - if he chooses not to participate, that's fine, but he needs to keep his comments and issues to himself. It's a passive-aggressive way of trying to get you to go back to your old habits, and it's most likely because of his own insecurities. If you were an alcoholic, would he be so negative about you choosing not to drink? If you had celiac disease, would he be complaining about the "weird food" you had to eat? I have a cousin who is a vegetarian - his wife is not, and they have a rule: no comments about what the other is eating, unless it's "Oh, can I try a bite of that?"

 

When someone makes a big change to try to improve their health or life, the reactions of those around them are incredibly telling. If your partner is more concerned about how your changes are making him superficially uncomfortable, and less concerned about the positive health benefits for you, well... to me, that is very troubling. But if it's not something you're planning to stick with long-term, then it's not so concerning.

[(m)eat to live]

To put it another way, imagine a married couple consisting of a thrifty saver and a big spender. Can they make it work? Sure. But it takes a lot of communication and compromise, and I dare say it's much more difficult the further you are apart on the spectrum. Same thing here.

 

If you're the X and he's the Y, this is much easier:

W30<----------------------X---------|--------------------Y----------->SAD

than this:

W30<-X------------------------------|--------------------Y----------->SAD

 

 

So that's why I think step one is deciding where on the spectrum you want to live long-term. That'll help you determine how serious your response to his attitude about it needs to be.

[praxisproject]

My partner is generally a SAD eater, but he eats a lot less grains now and feels better for it. He's never dieted and loses weight easily (he seems to self-stabilise if he puts some weight on), so for him, detailed watching of what he eats isn't something he's used to.

 

After seeing how much healthier I am without the wheat, he's been more accepting of the change, but it is a lifestyle change and you do need to talk about it.

 

He suffered from guilt ordering takeaway as I could never have any, but this is something he's now realised is a choice of mine, I could get takeaway, but I don't want to and I'm healthier because I don't.

 

It took us awhile to find good places to eat out safely, takeaway is always the toughest. 

 

There's a lot of stress in uncertainty, so it's good to talk about your short term and long term health goals, whether you expect him to do them too (if you never say either way, they may not know) and why it's important to you.

 

I've had a lot of health problems, so it's very easy to him to understand my motivation and why it's important to me long term, but it may not be as obvious for others.

 

I'm pretty sure he was also worried I'd make him eat this way too. I'd love it if he did, but I'm not going to force him. He's actually changed a lot of how he eats, but on his terms, because he wants to. For me, that's more important than if I made him do it anyway, you can't make people want to be healthy.

[Bet]

Hi Desiree, this is a tought one. I am lucky that my husband is very supportive. We are both independent that way that we can eat different things, even if we are making dinner at home. Also, I have to keep to a strict diet because of my health. I do the AIP /FODMAP and it's very restrictive. Ironically my husband was happy when I went on W30 because I had to give up wine, LOL. He's always on my case about it because he doesn't drink. I love doing a W30, but I also know there are times I can't do it. Those times I can, like during the week, I stick to a W30 and then on the weekends I will allow myself some wine or other non-compliant food. I have to give up so much, even when I'm off roading, I don't feel like I'm cheating. I plant on doing 2-3 W30s this year where I will be totally compliant.

 

I think you need to let him know that this is something you are doing for your health, it's not going to be an all the time thing (except you wil probably want keep as close to it as possible) you can go out to dinner or get take out or have a drink. I'm not sure how old you are, but as you get older, it does get harder to eat take out and drink and still be health and feel good. So this might not just be a diet thing, it may be a transition that you two are moving from one lifestyle to another. And nobody 'needs' bread or pasta. Believe me, I used to be the same way and I've adapted. As supportive as my husband is, he sometimes feels left out. He travels a lot, so on the weekends, I usually cook a bunch of stuff for myself for the week. And then he'll say 'why can't you make that for us'. And I'll answer, 'because you wont eat it!' LOL. Men can be so funny sometimes.

 

The only thing you should be 100% on is stay away from smoking and smokers. That should be non-negotiable. You quit, you don't need their 2nd hand smoke.

[pjena]

We've struggled a bit, too, but it was way earlier than W30.  He's used to my weird eating by now. LOL 

 

When we started dating, I was a vegetarian and he was (is) a carnivore hunter.  We just didn't let it become a thing.  He eats what he eats and I eat what I eat.  It's easy enough to make a meal and let everyone chose the parts they enjoy.  When I was a vegetarian, I'd make whatever I wanted for our meal and he'd grill a steak to eat on the side.  No big deal.  Now, I'll make the meal and he can have toast on the side or cheese on top. He can eat ice cream after dinner.  It doesn't mean I have to eat it.  Last weekend, for a treat, I served hotdogs and macaroni and cheese and had a salad with tuna for myself.  Nobody minded.  More for them. 

 

We struggled more as I have moved farther from SAD and wanted to feed our kids healthy food.  Grass fed meat is expensive (he's thrifty).  Our son is allergic to dairy (among other things) and husband LOVES milk, cheese and ice cream.  He resisted very hard any attempts to change what he ate.  Food can be very emotional.  But, we've moved slowly and have both been flexible and have made it work so that by the time I started W30, I was very used to making flexible meals and he was very used to me eating something different than the rest of the family, that it wasn't a big deal at all.  We compromised. I buy him the bread he likes even though there are better options and he lets me buy local, grass fed meat.  He puts up with zoodles and cauli rice occasionally and I occasionally make macaroni and cheese.  It works out.

 

The point of my rambling is that likely you'll both adapt and you don't have to let food choices become a big deal.  As long as you let him eat what he wants without comments or "looks" and he can do the same for you, it should be fine.