LadyM's seduction continues (sur son propre velo)


LadyM

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Meh. Things are fine, though I find myself questioning if what I'm doing is the best choice right now. You know, the usual doubt. I may have unreasonable expectations, as usual, and magical thinking that my body will slim down instantaneously. I wonder if too much fat can really be good for my constitution and if I should be eating more veggies. The afterglow of Tiger Blood was very short lived. 

 

And so I tell myself, yet again, it's 30 days for a reason. Ride it out. I have a sneaking suspicion these sneakingly suspicious thoughts come with ovulation. The second half of my cycle is generally pretty mentally fraught. I wish it weren't so. I'll just keep on keepin' on. I've made this commitment.

 

What I really want is to get on my bike! And I may have a chance to do exactly that this afternoon, so HOORAY! More cardio is actually good for this body right now. Gets the blood pumping in a different way and generally gets those endorphins moving. Recently when I walked up a flight of stairs I felt a bit more winded than I'd like, so it's time to get to work on the cardiovascular system. But in a gentle way and one that mixes up the walking I do on a pretty much daily basis. Little by little. 

 

This is what I must continually remind myself. Little by little. Day by day. Meal by meal. Word by word. I often get more overwhelmed than I admit about the big picture, the larger task at hand. The antidote is to keep focused on what's directly in front of me and not worry so much about the rest.

 

Whew. That was a good reminder. I'm generally better at these sorts of reminders and kindnesses for others. Glad to have the space to direct it toward myself here.

 

Also, in addition to getting more (joyful) cardio, I think what would help most right now is to focus less on food. Of course a W30 temporarily amps this up, but long term obsessive thinking can turn into stress can turn into a scared body can turn into nothing terribly positive or useful. 

 

So, just carrying on over here with three template meals a day and moving when and how it feels good and wondering if there's anything I can be doing better and then wondering if I shouldn't wonder and try so much and instead just be.

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Made it back from my trip safe and sound. Gram is OK, though none too happy to be in a nursing home. Still, it was good to see her--and my other family. And, I managed to pretty easily stay compliant. Turns out they get me. My aunt and uncle waited for me to get there before buying groceries so I could pick out what I needed. "We know you don't eat like we do," my aunt said. So very sweet. I even avoided drinking, which wasn't as big of a deal as I thought it would be. 

 

And, I really enjoyed taking a break from worrying about getting my food exactly right. Just staying compliant was goal enough. And I think I ended up eating less because I simply wasn't so focused on the details. There's a lesson in there for me. Staying compliant, not worrying so much, and just eating a little less. I think that's the way forward.

 

Oh, and I ended up taking way longer walks than I meant to. My aunt and uncle only drink decaf, so I walked to a gas station and back each morning for my own cup of real coffee. Turns out it was a 4 mile round trip. And doing that first thing felt really good. So, tomorrow I'm going for a dang walk first thing in the morning. It feels really good to move right out of the gate. 

 

Rounding the bend into the final week of this W30. Right now I'm thinking I'm not in love with the whole keto thing. It's too much effort to get so much fat, not too much protein, and barely any carbs. I think I prefer the straight up W30 with more green veggies and less stress. I have, however, enjoyed the freedom from fruit and just how quickly the sugar dragon went to sleep when I didn't eat any sweet stuff whatsoever. And the thing I'm most hankering for once I end the W30 is strawberries with real whipped cream. As soon as they're available at the farmer's market, I believe I'll be having some. 

 

So, I still have a week to go, but what I've learned already is how damaging sugar and grains are for this body. They're out for the foreseeable future. Dairy can be an occasional treat, and some legumes (but not soy) are fine. I think I do better overall without too much starchy veg and fruit, but when the fruit is in season here in the fruit belt, I'll certainly enjoy some. But the days of eating it mindlessly hand over fist are over. In fact the days of eating large amounts of anything are over. I just feel better with a smaller volume of food. And it's a habit I'll need to continue to cultivate.

 

I do not feel that I've lost many pounds or even inches, but I do feel that I've regained control over what was becoming out-of-control eating. That is so worth it. And being with my family reminded me of what the future looks like if I don't stick to this. Diabetes, heart disease, obesity, pain and suffering and physical misery. No, thanks. I know better. I have the tools. I can live and age very differently than the generations that have come before me. And so I shall!

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I can't remember the last time I made those short ribs, but it was too long ago. Man are they wonderful. And so rich and full of good stuff I really don't need to eat a huge portion to feel satisfied. I'll be eating them all week. And so happy to do so.

 

Five walks today in the glorious sunshine. I did get up and out first thing, well, after I put the short ribs in the crock pot. Marched over to a long, steep set of stairs in the neighborhood and decided climbing them once or twice--and there and back, of course--is a 20-30 minute little cardio session. I can do that first thing every day and enjoy the early morning light. I think that's a good habit to cultivate. So many good habits to cultivate. . . .

 

Tonight is my last time teaching one of my classes this term. Summer is really coming! Looking forward to the shift in my schedule and making the most of it. Glad I got into the habit of preparing simple food at home. I can certainly keep this up without much effort.

 

Here's what I ate today:

 

M1 eggs, sf bacon, greens, bpc

M2 tuna, avocado, romaine, pickle, bp tea

M3 roasted broccoli, short ribs, kombucha

 

Good day!

 

Bootcamp tomorrow plus more walking. Maybe a bike ride. . . .

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I think I'm in that crazy pre-menstrual time when I can't trust my perceptions of my body. Tried on pants that were a little snug before I started this Whole30 and now I can't even button them. :angry: Not sure if that's broccoli bloat or premenstrual bloat or if I've genuinely gotten thicker through the middle. Really wondering if my body simply doesn't do well with high fat. I'll withhold judgment until after my period comes.

 

As far as food goes, I'm not trying to be in ketosis anymore. Just eating to template and staying away from high sugar/carb compliant foods. Today it looked like this:

 

M1: eggs, greens, sf bacon, bpc

M2: tuna salad made with hm mayo on celery, bp tea

M3: short ribs, roasted broccoli, kombucha

 

I'm satiated and not hungry for hours after my meals. I'm also not over- or under-eating. I realized today that I never wake up in the morning regretting what or how much I ate the day before. That feeling is priceless, and I'm so glad I realized this is the case.

 

I am trying to think back to the end of last summer when I was feeling happy and healthy and effortlessly slim (for me) and what I was doing then that was working for me so well. I'm pretty sure I was getting plenty of exercise, not stressing about food though eating template-ish, although using whey protein and allowing myself to off road during meal 3. I was definitely allowing myself to indulge in ice cream now and again. 

 

But I wonder what changed and why it's so difficult to shift body fat again. Is it something internal? I'm working with FMD on serious liver support, and when I dropped in for supplements yesterday she said that I might experience a gall bladder flush at some point. I think it may have happened, but I'm not sure. And I'm also not sure what it means. Maybe I'll get more answers next week when I have a proper appointment.

 

I also wonder if I'm not experiencing my same old paradigm shift with W30, that I am starved for fats at the start and then it tapers off. And then I wonder if I shouldn't just return to more ayurvedic principles. Or if I shouldn't just keep going for longer.

 

Now I wonder if I wouldn't just do better not thinking so hard about any and all of it. The return to W30 is always an exercise in over emphasis on food for a while, something I'm prone to anyway. (And I feel like a broken record, that I've said this before, so bear with me.) But my hope is that each time I return to it and then re-enter the world of riding my own bike, that I become less and less a slave to food and to my thinking about food. This W30 has been my most restrictive, most hacked Whole ever. No fruit. A little foray with nuts, but mostly not. No starchy veg. Very little booch. Loving having zero sugar cravings, and that really was my primary goal. So, there's that.

 

So, here's to letting go a little. Continuing with W30 until it's finished. Eating intuitively again, which more than likely will mean template meals without worry about macros. Staying away from fruit and nuts and starchy veg as an everyday occurrence. Moving more. Playing more. Writing more. Giving all of it more time.

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This is sounding like the Nadia effect, where the more we stress about what we are eating, the more nothing seems to work.  I believe I remember you not worrying a whole lot (at least journal-wise) and really enjoying life last summer.  Lots of bike rides and movement and yes, ice cream on occasion.

 

I'm trying to find the balance between not obsessing over food and not putting on weight.  When I let go with wild abandon, I definitely put on weight.  But I don't do well when I'm obsessing either.  So here is to looking for that calmness around food!

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So true, Sara. Thanks for the reminder.

 

I also had a very interesting chat with my personal trainer who's very savvy about nutrition. She spoke to the problems of keto for women, especially women with a history of adrenal issues, and that it can actually cause cortisol to skyrocket. I mentioned how I seem to do best eating Whole30 template style, with the addition of minimizing fruits and starches until meal 3, and she gave me a full-on scientific explanation for why that was so. Everything she said makes good sense especially since I'm noticing my body hanging onto belly fat right now, which could be evidence of cortisol wreaking havoc.

 

So, yes. Back to calm and more intuitive eating. All this restriction and tracking macros, in the end, has taught me that I'm better off being more relaxed. But of course not so relaxed that I'm off the rails, as you said, Sara. Finding the balance.

 

However, what I feel I've done with this Whole30 is pull myself back from the sugar brink. The two things it has done for me is put the sugar dragon solidly to bed and helped me relearn what appropriate portions look and feel like. I've also gradually gotten back to more activity. Walking everywhere, more barre classes every week, and back to bootcamp, on top of my yoga practice. My body needs this level of activity, period. Working my way back to that sweet spot where everything is humming along. Yoga is wonderful, but not at the expense of other movement. And I'm already thinking about how I can maintain an appropriate level of activity over the winter months. . . .

 

I feel like I'm coming back to myself. I haven't lost a bunch of weight or found any magic in messing with macros, though I am reunited with the calm and joy that comes from a brief and intense nutritional and behavioral self study. It's no way to live forever, but occasionally it provides the practices and groundwork for a much-needed reassessment.

 

I still have four and a half days to go, but I'm already grateful for the gifts of this Whole30.

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Went to the outdoor farmers market for the first time since it opened. Such a wonderful community party and bounty of this land's fruits. I noticed there are much more local organic and free-range/grass-fed options. That makes me so happy. I bought a few gorgeous treasures, all of which fit into a small shopping bag. I think I'm realizing I need much less than I once thought. That if I slow down, savor, and practice humility (I am truly humbled by the labors, commitment, and sacrifices our farmers as well as the abundance of Creation) and gratitude, I can truly see and experience the abundance that lays before me. Pretty great, huh?

So, here's what I bought:

Two quarts of strawberries

Salad turnips

A pound of grass-fed beef

A dozen duck eggs

A small bunch of organic asparagus

Then I meandered over to the co-op and gathered some of the things I need for reintroductions. Tahini for the hummus I'll be making, local heavy cream and yogurt, and a very dark organic chocolate bar. Not sure yet if I'll reintro non-gluten grains or not. The effects of legumes and dairy are what interest me most. I don't intend to have dairy daily, but I would like to eat beans (not soy or peanuts), mostly mung beans and red lentils on a more regular basis with meal three, and treat them as a good source of starch and fiber to help my gut flora. Nights when I teach yoga they'll definitely be out, though. Really loving how gas is pretty much a thing or the past. I'd like to keep it that way, so I'll especially be paying attention to how dairy and beans affect my system in that regard.

In the past, I've had no serious effects from reintroducing anything, so the occasional isolated worth-it off road has been ok. But I suspect that once dairy, sugar, or any kind of grain becomes more than a once-in-a-while thing, there's a snowball effect that turns my body into the shape of a snowman in no time flat. So, I'm taking the longview here, especially in regard to how I can get my body comp into a happier balance and maintain it through a full cycle of four seasons (I'm looking at you, winter). I'm confident that I'll get back into fighting shape this summer now that I have a handle on sugar and portions as well as being back in the groove of balanced movement.

Now, to build on that, June is for writing and meditation. Putting my energies where they matter most. But I can only get to a place where I can do that when my physical house is in order.

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Day 30 is more or less in the bag. Over the past week or so I've cycled out of keto and just stuck to the template. I reread my log which reminded me that what works best for me is a moderate template with starchy carb at least once a day, plenty of greens, and on the low end with fat. However, I have decided to reintroduce legumes tomorrow, just to see how it goes. I have mung dal and hummus prepared from scratch with well soaked beans. Then back to W30 template eating until dairy reintro on Friday. Local grass fed yogurt and cream on tap for that. Maybe ice cream, though I'm still a bit afraid of sugar. So, we'll see. Also, thinking about taking a break from eggs for a little while, too. Just because I've been eating a lot of them and (a) am growing weary of them, and (B) would hate to cultivate an intolerance overdoing them for too long.

In other news, I finally got back on my bike! Went for a glorious 25 mile twilight ride and am none the worse for it except a sore bum. Thrilled to be riding again! I also discovered my beloved city pool opens in two weeks, and I'm gearing up for swimswimswimming! So ready for more movement and so grateful my body is strong, healthy, and in shape to move more. Reading the log reminded me of how long I suffered and struggled with injury. Stubborn fat is nothing compared to that. Truly. I know I can shift things once I return to the proper course and stay on it.

I feel quite certain this "failed" experiment with keto is the result of too much fat for this body as well as elevated cortisol. Chilling out with summer and the end of school, increasing gentle cardio, and recalibrating the template will no doubt get me back to my happier body place in no time. It's all good learning.

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Yay for bike riding!

 

I think the keto experiment was worthwhile.  I know I was intrigued by it as well.  I'm still much lower carb than I was before W30, but keto for the sake of keto just didn't work for me.

 

June writing and meditation sounds fantastic and add in lots of movement, bike riding, and the pool, ah, sounds delightful!

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FMD confirmed I need extra adrenal support right now, and that confirms my suspicion about cortisol and keto and belly fat. Cheers to answers, right?

 

Legume reintro is going just fine. Feeling fuller after eating and hungrier sooner, as is to be expected. But I'm also feeling lighter. When I was eating so much fat I sometimes felt as if I couldn't get clean. I had to use a minty scrub on my body in the shower all the time. Kinda weird, but interesting. We'll see how the rest of the day unfolds. . . .

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This is sounding like the Nadia effect, where the more we stress about what we are eating, the more nothing seems to work.  I believe I remember you not worrying a whole lot (at least journal-wise) and really enjoying life last summer.  Lots of bike rides and movement and yes, ice cream on occasion.

 

I'm trying to find the balance between not obsessing over food and not putting on weight.  When I let go with wild abandon, I definitely put on weight.  But I don't do well when I'm obsessing either.  So here is to looking for that calmness around food!

 

Lol it's a THING! My recent trip to Boston proved it - I ate all the things, I mean really all the things like bagel for breakfast, pizza for lunch and yogurt for dinner with NO effects on my digestion even though I was anticipating them. My emotional situation has left me with zero f**ks to give about food right now, I am going through stuff and I escaped for a little travel action to relax the brain. Guess what, the moment I landed back in Toronto with the thoughts of being good, getting back to my "template" I got distress and bloat and whatnot. So really, stress is the one we should point fingers at.   

 

Hope your summer feel with get to ya soon. Yay biking. 

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Nadia, you are sososososo right. I keep thinking about stress and how the stress response is no joke and that priority numero uno must be to chill the f&$% out as permanently as possible and to increase our ability to adapt to stressful situations, aka our regular lives and unfortunately natural tendency to be super intense about food. Less intensity is the key for those of us who tend to overdo it--those of us who are more than likely pitta predominant, to get all ayurvedic on y'all. In fact, I'm seriously thinking about scheduling an appt with a trusted ayurved this summer to work on supporting a regimen that dials back intensity from the inside out. I have a feeling it's going to mean quitting coffee, and I'm working my way up to that. . . .  

 

Anyway, my priorities right now are:

 

a. returning to my sweet spot with food in a spirit of relaxed calm

b. writing. june whole writing is underway. more on this in a sec.

c. meditation. june whole meditation also underway.

d. maintaining joyful increased movement

 

a. food

 

Legume reintro was uneventful. This makes me very happy. Largely because it means I can let go of anticipatory stress about food when I hang with my vegetarian community. As I mentioned yesterday, I was less full and hungrier sooner without the regular template, but I felt happy and good. Maybe a little bit gassy, but such a drastic increase in a particular kind of fiber will do that. I don't think it's an unusual reaction. And I also think if I ate them more regularly, this would be less of an issue.

 

I also ate an apple yesterday and it was so unbelievably luscious and sweet. I want to protect these hyper-sensitive-to-sweet tastebuds. What a gift to find such decadent joy in a piece of fruit! If I'm honest, I wanted to eat fruit again last night after teaching yoga (it had been six hours since my last meal), but thought better of it--plus I didn't have any in the house.

 

Back to template today and tomorrow with dairy reintro scheduled for Friday.

 

b. writing

 

I'm sitting at my neighborhood cafe right now. I think I've figured out a potentially successful writing schedule for myself. Arise at 5, meditate, workout at 6, brekkie, bathe, begin writing at 8 in public for accountability. It's too easy to get lazy and distracted and antsy and lonely and otherwise neurotic at home all day. I need to be around people and I need to leave the house. If I give myself three to four solid hours at the cafe, I'll make progress. And then by noon I can either take a barre or bootcamp class, eat, or head to the beach. We'll see how it goes.

 

c. meditation

 

10 minutes a day every day this month. Period. Totally doable. 

 

d. movement

 

Reading my log over the weekend was so very helpful, largely because it reminded me of the former persistent obstacles I no longer face. Namely injury and illness. I'm strong. Flexible. Stable. A little chunkier than I like, but so what? I mean, really. It's not the end of the world, especially since I have the tools to get back into a happier leaner form. And summer is here! Barre, bootcamp, bike riding, swimming, walking, yoga: you are mine! Also, the most darling new trainer started at my gym and he's teaching a cardio kickboxing class. I'm going to give it a try tomorrow evening. I think I'm in a stable enough place with my SI and overall strength to safely give it a shot. So I shall. And be glad.

 

In other, unrelated news, AF arrived today, like clockwork. No fanfare. It's all good. And perhaps I'll even feel my belly deflate just a bit over the coming days. I'd certainly welcome that. . . . 

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Yay for rejoicing in being injury free!  All the movement, yes, it is yours.  And I love your plan for writing.  I too think I would need to get out of the house ;) , otherwise laundry, cooking, snacking, napping, would all conspire to keep me from accomplishing much. 

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Glitch in reintroduction schedule. No real discernible effects from legumes Tuesday, and then instead of two days compliant before testing dairy, I dove in yesterday. Not ideal, but informative, I believe, nevertheless.

I had joked with a friend that barring an instant diarrhea reaction, I would find ice cream worth it. You guessed it. Actually what happened is following a moderate compliant lunch with BFF, he begged me to go for froyo since neither of us had been to our fave old haunt for nearly two months. I gave in. And instead of overloading the cup with every flavor, topping, and sauce, I took less than a cup of a worth-it flavor and topped it with a sprinkling of toasted coconut and pecans. Very enjoyable, and I didn't feel stuffed and/or wanting more at the end. Success!

I felt fine throughout the afternoon of shopping and galavanting, and picked up some gorgeous organic berries. So, at 6, just a little bit hungry, I decide to carry on with the dairy test with 1/2 c full fat local yogurt and berries with about two tablespoons local heavy cream I whipped. This is when the sprint to the bathroom came. Not disastrous, but certainly a reaction. Especially interesting since I never thought I had a problem with dairy before. Of course, I've never really eaten much of it. When I have had it, it's been a splash of half and half in my coffee now and again when out (never keep the stuff at home) or the odd ice cream in the summer. Never much been one for cheese, though yogurt has occasionally made an appearance. So, maybe the quantity plus its proximity to a w30 has shown me what dairy can do to me. And this morning I could still taste the cream, as if it were coming back on me (and it was a brand new, fresh, unopened glass bottle!) and I'm bloated as all get out--which I was last night, too. No Bueno. Seriously.

And this, in fact, is a good thing. Dairy will not creep in. If I choose it, it will be isolated for something totally worth such dramatic effects. And right now I can't think of what that might be. Ugh.

This foray into dairy has made me desperate to feel better and reduce the bloat, so that has led me to increased movement, which can only be a good thing. A glorious 90-minute twilight bike ride last night; yoga and barre and lots of walking already today. Praying to be feeling like myself again as soon as possible. This bloat is a terrible feeling. Achy joints, too, though that might be AF. So difficult to isolate symptoms, no?

Nevertheless, back to simple unadorned template for me. Chicken breast, steamed green beans, and ghee for breakfast; ground beef and zoodles for lunch; big salad with tuna and olive oil for dinner. Ahhhh, the sweet relief of easy eating.

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I had a friend tell me he'd throw himself down a flight of stairs if he couldn't have cheese. It just doesn't hold any allure for me. And I retested with froyo again Saturday without incident. I actually think it may be dairy fat that causes the problem, oddly enough. So, no more full fat cream or yogurt, and I'll save froyo (and maybe try real ice cream eventually) for a once in a while treat.

I've been feeling good for the past week back to lower fat template meals with fruit and starchy veg saved for meal3. Feeling so good, in fact, that I weighed and measured myself as a restart beginning point for the summer. It's not as bad as I thought, and I'm confident I can be back in my summer clothes within a month or two. So that makes me happy.

As does bike riding! Been on several 20-25 mile rides and loving every pedal rotation. Also back to bootcamp properly this week: aiming for 3 classes. And keeping up yoga, barre, and walking as well.

Ahhh, summer, I can taste your sweetness already!

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Had a couple celebratory glasses of wine last night with my students, and oof, feeling it today. One would have been a better choice. It's so enjoyable in the moment, and so not enjoyable the morning after. Even a lil bit is toxic. Granted, I haven't had a drink since early March, so it was a shock to the system. Seriously pondering how I'll manage the drinking season of summer this year. My sessions may be less grand and fewer and further between.

 

Rudely awakening super early and feeling like garbage almost derailed my plans for bootcamp, but some chicken, broccoli, and a cup of coffee helped get me in gear and drag my a$$ to the gym. It was hard, and I modified all kinds of things, but still, I went. And that's what counts. Thinking about giving cardio kickboxing a shot tonight, too.

 

Other than the wine, food is fine if not a bit boring. I may need to branch out here in a bit. Playing with limiting fruit to 1/2 cup a day. Very challenging with a whole watermelon taunting me at the moment. . . . 

 

Happy Tuesday, friends!

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Throwing myself down the stairs would be extreme, but I would definitely have the sads if cheese was out.  Yay for biking and all your other movement.  And I'm so happy to hear you are feeling more yourself.  Well, other than the wine remnants.

 

How's your writing going?

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Writing is happening, but is currently taking a backseat to grading. Getting a little in every day, though. Thanks for asking!

 

Meditation, however, still needs work. Funny how both things require me to sit on my a$$ and all I want to do is move these days. . . . 

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