Eating Disorder Help/Thoughts/Questions

[StrongandFit]

Hey Gals! I am new to this whole forum. I have a few questions and want to see if anyone else has advice or can relate. No one knows me here so this will be great to tell my story....

Since, the age of 12 I have suffered with some form of an eating disorder. Diet after diet, restricting, bingeing, purging, and never feeling great about where I was at with my body(obviously I was hurt in the inside and had nothing to do with how much I weighed or what boy liked me or not:)) As the years went on I fluctuated weight gaining 35 + pounds in short periods of time and losing that same 35 pounds only to cycle and do it all over again. I sought help (went to an eating disorder clinic) and was in recovery for over 2 years.

About 8 months ago I joined CrossFit. This truly changed my soul, my life. It helped me to feel strong, whole, beautiful, confident, and helped to balance me physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. But I started back in my eating disorder... more so being obsessed with what, when, how much, how much not to eat. Someone told me about whole30 and back in February I tried to give it a shot. But I made a few slips and the "sugar dragon" took hold.

I guess the real reason for posting is I want to try it again.... I want to do the Whole30. I hear so many people say it changed their relationship with food and how they view it and I want that. I want to kick this awful eating disorder on the curb for good.

Would you guys suggest me starting it all over? Pushing through? When does it get rough for you guys and cravings? How did you overcome them? Did you notice a difference with your relationship with food? And is anyone trying the daily whole30 program where they send you stuff daily? If so how do you like it?

Just a little nervous and anxious this will make things worse for me (as far as old behaviors with my eating disorder and not better).

Thanks for your help. Little nervous writing this since it is a vulnerable topic for me!

[LindaLee]

First of all, good for you for recognizing what you were doing wasn't healthy and being committed to changing it. I too have had some form of eating disorder for years...at my lowest, in my 20s, I was scary skinny and anorexic. Before I found Whole30, I was "skinny fat"...really messed up ideas of what was healthy eating, and a very unhealthy relationship with food. What I love about the Whole30 is the science - I'm a psychologist, so I'm snooty about my information and want it backed up with something meaty - and the fact that I can eat things I haven't allowed myself in years - most notably, eggs and red meat.

The sugar demon (I say that instead of dragon because my mom adored dragons so I think of them as kind of cuddly) is my toughest opponent. I've had no problems giving up milk and bread and pasta, but ice cream is my go-to when I'm feeling lonely or, at the opposite end of the spectrum, want to celebrate. In the past, it's been hard for me not to be "all or nothing" with "diets"...you know, I have one bowl of ice cream and I figure I'm weak and a failure and might as well just go back to the easy way of eating. I haven't achieved a straight Whole30 yet, but I'm slowly inching my way up in days.

I am trying the August Whole30, and what's helping me is that my gym - I just started Crossfit myself, and I love it too - is having a Paleo Challenge in August. It's a team challenge, so those days when I'm tempted, I'm hoping thinking of my team will tip me back to being strong and sticking with it. I also am doing the daily newsletter...it's very helpful.

I refuse to use words like "cheat" or "fail" or "strict." I try to think of my food "choices." If I stick to my plan, that's eating "strong" for me. If I don't, that's going "off plan." I've beat myself up for my eating for most of my life, and I refuse to do it anymore.

Overcoming cravings isn't easy, and I'm not going to say I've had success every time. The hardest times for me are when my husband isn't here - about 2:00 on those days, I start to feel depressed and lonely and want something to look forward to when I get home. In the past, that's always been some favorite show and ice cream. I've managed to overcome that one a few times <g>. When I do overcome them, here's what works for me:

First and foremost, don't have the stuff in the house. If it's not there, I don't think about it and I don't eat it. I take the back way home so I don't pass any stores.

Second, if I'm anticipating or approaching a hard time, I get on here or on my Facebook support page and post that I'm feeling tempted. I read my newsletter. I read posts here. I look at my food log and think about how I will feel putting something on there compliant instead of non-compliant. I paraphrase a saying my mom had when she was quitting smoking: "The craving for (fill in the blank) will go away, whether you have (fill in the blank) or not."

Third, I try to remember how different I feel when I'm eating strong. I have more energy - though since I haven't finished a whole30 yet, I don't have that boundless energy I can't wait to get. I'm stronger in my workouts. My mood is better. I'm just a healthier person!

Fourth, find ways to reward yourself that don't involve food. For me, this is kind of tough. I don't want to spend a lot of money on "stuff," because we don't have a lot of room. Posting my success on here and on Facebook and now on my blog feels good. So does a nice big bubble bath.

Finally, I'm determined to think of this as a "lifestyle." It drives me crazy when people call it a "diet." Medifast is a "diet." This is a life.

Have faith in yourself and know you can do it. Get some buddies on here (I'll volunteer!) and at your Crossfit gym. Maybe you can talk to your coach about having a team Paleo challenge like our gym is doing. Talk nicely to yourself! You've come a long way, and that strength that has seen you through will get you through this, too!

Hope this helps! God bless and Godspeed!

Linda

[CaseyD]

The sugar craving is a hard thing to overcome, but it really does get better and usually it doesn't take long. Days 3, 4, 8-10 are the worse for me, but it passes and then you feel amazing.

The newsletter is great, perfect for someone new to this. I got the Day 3 in my inbox today and it talked about exactly how I am feeling today. That's encouraging on the rough days!

Here's my thoughts on you doing a Whole30, just based off what you've said about yourself and my own personal experiences. I think doing a Whole30 is a good idea for just about everyone, but my thought is that you need to really distance yourself from any talk about how much carbs/fats/protein you might hear in relation to eating paleo. One of the greatest things about going paleo is that after enough time, your body can communicate with you better and you'll learn on your own just what you need to fuel your body. This is different for everybody, so getting caught up in the macro nutrient balance is just something that might push your eating disordered thinking buttons. Just strive to eat a balance - don't be afraid of fat or carbs or protein - just get a balance of them in your diet and over time listen to how your body is responding to them.

You can use the Whole30 to learn to love eating for the simple joy that it is. Eat when you're hungry, don't eat when you're not. Don't make it anymore complicated than that. Don't measure anything (and I know the full Whole30 program does give guidelines on this - you might even do well to just ignore those and eat how you please). Just practice loving your wholesome food and the process of relearning your hungry cues. Stay far away from the scale - maybe even stay away from examining yourself in the mirror - and just practice loving yourself and the good things you put in your body.

I went through decades of HORRIBLE body image issues. I've been down the eating disorder path and had exercise bulimia off and on through my adult life. Here I am, 12 pounds heavier than I was pre-pregnancy (I could never love that pre-pregnant body, despite how fit everyone thought I was) and I can honestly look in the mirror now and see love for myself. I'm not perfect, but I am finally done trying to be and I have to tell you, it is the most freeing feeling in the world to just accept yourself as you are. No more "I'll love my body when I look like this." I just love it how it is. This takes practice, but eating clean was certainly a first step for me.

[Renee Kosowan]

I hope you find exactly what you need to feel better.

I too struggled with an eating disorder when I was younger. Still very hard to shake the obsessive compulsive disorders of tracking things. Good luck!

[Derval]

I would definitely rec a listen to the podcast

Live.love.eat

Take care.

[Jeanye Mercer]

Hey Gals! I am new to this whole forum. I have a few questions and want to see if anyone else has advice or can relate. No one knows me here so this will be great to tell my story....

Since, the age of 12 I have suffered with some form of an eating disorder. Diet after diet, restricting, bingeing, purging, and never feeling great about where I was at with my body(obviously I was hurt in the inside and had nothing to do with how much I weighed or what boy liked me or not:)) As the years went on I fluctuated weight gaining 35 + pounds in short periods of time and losing that same 35 pounds only to cycle and do it all over again. I sought help (went to an eating disorder clinic) and was in recovery for over 2 years.

About 8 months ago I joined CrossFit. This truly changed my soul, my life. It helped me to feel strong, whole, beautiful, confident, and helped to balance me physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. But I started back in my eating disorder... more so being obsessed with what, when, how much, how much not to eat. Someone told me about whole30 and back in February I tried to give it a shot. But I made a few slips and the "sugar dragon" took hold.

I guess the real reason for posting is I want to try it again.... I want to do the Whole30. I hear so many people say it changed their relationship with food and how they view it and I want that. I want to kick this awful eating disorder on the curb for good.

Would you guys suggest me starting it all over? Pushing through? When does it get rough for you guys and cravings? How did you overcome them? Did you notice a difference with your relationship with food? And is anyone trying the daily whole30 program where they send you stuff daily? If so how do you like it?

Just a little nervous and anxious this will make things worse for me (as far as old behaviors with my eating disorder and not better).

Thanks for your help. Little nervous writing this since it is a vulnerable topic for me!

I appreciate your courage in telling your story. While there are never easy answers, you might begin to find some help through these posts:

http://whole9life.com/2012/04/sometimes-it-is-hard/

http://whole9life.com/2012/02/whole30-gone-bad/

And I definitely recommend the Whole30 Daily. I have done numerous Whole30's and have followed the spirit of the plan for well over 2 years now, yet I still learn something everyday from the daily!

[StrongandFit]

Thanks everyone for your help! I really appreciate it!

Linda Lee and Casey D thank you for your stories, suggestions, and advice! Linda your story about not getting through the whole30 yet but still actively trying and recommitting just makes me realize how much I need and want to do this. Also, thank you for all your suggestions about what you do to overcome cravings (i.e. when you discussed 2:00pm and feeling lonely/sad that definitely hit home and it is weird that things like that get triggered.) I would love to have you as a buddy (since you volunteered) to check in with. CaseyD thank you! I have heard to stay away from mirrors and if you do for 30 days something magical happens. Maybe I will give that a try since you suggested. As far as your advice with the food and how to go about the whole30 thank you. Great suggestions. Jeayne thanks for those two articles:) And it looks like everyone loves the daily so I will be signing up for it!

Any other help/advice is appreciated! I guess it just sounds like I need to make it through the first 10 days with the sugar demon and move forward.

Can't wait to start my new relationship with food and myself! What an awesome journey I get to go/be on!

One other question... as far as sugar if it is natural (i.e. is on the label of salsa but not in the ingredients) can I eat it?

Thanks!

[MarissaLinnea]

I just wanted to tell you that I completely understand how you are feeling. Your story is very similar to mine. My struggles have increased over the last year or so with binge eating and over exercising. I feel like I have this goal in my mind of what I want my body to look like....no matter how much weight I lose or how much I work out, I just never seem to like what I see in the mirror. It's extremely sad and frustrating. So I want to send you a hug because I know the cycle and the feeling and how upsetting it is.

That being said, I have found that doing the Whole 30 is helpful for me, not harmful. I have yet to make it through a whole 30 days, but I keep recommitting myself and each time I try it, I get a little bit farther and make a little more progress in the direction that I want to go. I have noticed a huge difference in my body and hunger signals, etc since starting eating this way back at the beginning of April. I still struggle greatly with my binges, but I feel that I am still making progress in spite of that because I have learned so much about eating healthy, whole foods and proper portions outside of my binge episodes. And I know my body and metabolism are healing, it's just a process and something that I have to work through day by day.

The cravings can be difficult to deal with, especially if you have a history of bingeing. Our brains have been trained that if it sends us that urge to binge, we will send food to the stomach. We have developed a very strong pattern in our brains that is extremely hard to break. I've been doing a ton of reading and research on this. But the good news is, it IS possible to retrain our brains into new habits and patterns. It will take an incredible amount of strength and dedication, but it can be done, I know it and I feel it!!!! Every time that you are able to resist the urge and not give in, you will be making a new habit and pattern in your brain. Every time you use your new habit of not bingeing, you are making it stronger and stronger and if you do it enough times, eventually the not bingeing will become the normal, the familiar, and the strong pattern in your brain instead of the old bingeing pattern. It's like a muscle, if you want it to be strong, you have to exercise it. Of course, I have yet to get to this point myself, but I have all the faith in the world that I will get there sooner rather than later. The structure of doing Whole 30 combined with being part of a support group is extremely helpful in keeping me on track and holding me accountable.

You are more than welcome to join the FB group that Linda and I are in. It's a great group of us there and everyone is so supportive and helpful. I really enjoy going on there and spending time chatting with everyone. If you would like to be part of the group, just message me your name and I will search for you on FB. Or you can look for me, Marissa Sooter Liner.

[Flynn]

I completely understand your situation and I've been there, ED, binge eating, over exercising, obsession all of that. I did a whole 30 but on day 26 or 27 my whole 30 went bad as described in this article: . http://whole9life.com/2012/02/whole30-gone-bad/ I had to drop out and get a handle on myself because I was obsessing about food and thinking about what to eat and why I wasn't loosing weight constantly. I can't deal with rules mentally because I'm screwed up in the head by ED.

What helped me, and this is certainly not whole 30 and only worked for me and my body, was to forget the 30 days and implement the F-off list as written by Melissa in this article:http://whole9life.com/2010/12/the-healthy-f-off-scale-version-2-0/. I made a list of everything I didn't allow myself to eat and I ate those things. I bought lots of chocolate, oatmeal, peanut butter, muffins and all the things that made me crazy and just let them be in my house. If I wanted some, I ate some. I basically said F it and just had what I wanted. Slowly, they sort of lost their hold over me. I get really crazy when I'm told I can't have something....it's like it feeds my cravings and desire for it and I think that's why whole 30 didn't work for me mentally as an ex ED sufferer. Now that I have my f-off list, I really don't get bad cravings at all and it's been forever since I had any kind of binge. I also allow myself to eat pretty large meals so I don't get starving or prone to a binge. I don't force myself to eat something because that's what you are "supposed to" eat....I don't have a "supposed to" anymore and it's very freeing.

I love the F-off list and everything about it, how it's different for every person. Mine has peanut butter, oatmeal, rice and vegan sausages on it. I enjoy these things and am not giving them up. I don't eat them very often but if I want to I do and that's that. Perhaps a F-off list would help you? That is just my experience, and I hope that you find what works for you!! Good luck!!

[RevKT]

What helped me, and this is certainly not whole 30 and only worked for me and my body, was to forget the 30 days and implement the F-off list as written by Melissa in this article:http://whole9life.co...le-version-2-0/. I made a list of everything I didn't allow myself to eat and I ate those things. I bought lots of chocolate, oatmeal, peanut butter, muffins and all the things that made me crazy and just let them be in my house. If I wanted some, I ate some. I basically said F it and just had what I wanted. Slowly, they sort of lost their hold over me. I get really crazy when I'm told I can't have something....it's like it feeds my cravings and desire for it and I think that's why whole 30 didn't work for me mentally as an ex ED sufferer. Now that I have my f-off list, I really don't get bad cravings at all and it's been forever since I had any kind of binge. I also allow myself to eat pretty large meals so I don't get starving or prone to a binge. I don't force myself to eat something because that's what you are "supposed to" eat....I don't have a "supposed to" anymore and it's very freeing.

I really like your suggestion here. I keep trying Whole30 and failing, falling into binge eating again just after a few days. In all the research I have been doing about binge eating and other eating disorders, they all say they had to stop with restrictive diets in order to get better. I know Whole30 is not calorie restrictive, but it does restrict what we can eat significantly. I like the idea of not being restrctive and everything in moderation yet at the same time I know some foods make me sick and certain things (like sugar) are what I call a gateway drug. I eat one bite of sugar and I can't stop. Maybe making a list like you suggest will help me decide what I won't eat because it makes me sick and that other things can be options instead of total restrctions. I keep telling myself the Whole30 is only for 30 days, so the restriction is not forever, but with an eating disorder that kind of thinking just does not seem to be working.

I don't know, this whole thing has been hard for me. If I can eat Whole30 style, I am so much better and the binge eating lessens, but I have only been able to last Whole30 or even Paleo for three weeks at the longest. Then I had a family crisis and ate poorly to get through the pain and it has been down hill from there. And it is so easy to make "healthy" bad choices. Like gluten free rice krispie cereal or whole grain bread. Those are not good for me, but everyone says they are healthy so I can convince myself a "healthy" slip is better than ice cream but then it all leads to ice cream and pastries a day later.

How do we find the balance between healthy and too restrictive? How do you overcome an addiction to food when you HAVE to eat?

[DucatiGirl]

RevKT, thank you so much for writing this brave post! It really struck a chord with me. I too have struggled with eating disorders and compulsive exercise since I was 12 (I'm 41 now). I have phases of feeling terrific when I'm physically active and eating well but that is easily derailed by any number of stressors and then it takes me months and sometimes years to get back to feeling good and only after lots of beating myself up. I also struggle with being overly compulsive about what I put in my mouth. It's hard to be so focused and strict with food on the Whole30 and not feel overly obsessive. It's not like alcohol or drug addiction that you can live without forever. We have to eat! I agree it is difficult to find a healthy balance. I'm working on it. Sometimes it really feels like an uphill battle.

[LizzyF]

_{Strongandfit, I am so grateful you shared your story, and I'm grateful to all who have added their own experiences to ths thread. I too suffered with an ED at a young age, and have dealt with various compulsive behaviors ever since. Sugarcarbies are SO not my friends. And yet it is really hard to give it up. There is no "just one" cookie in my world.}

_{I'm hoping that by STOPPING all the calorie / point counting / measuring / weighing (of food and me) and doing my best to eat whole real foods ONLY that the crazy urges will get a little less crazy. I'm going to keep hope alive and keep trying.}

_{I appreciated the links that various people included in your posts - thank you! I'm off to do some reading.}

[Robin Strathdee]

Hi everyone!

I don't have any relevant experience with disordered eating, and so don't have any actual advice to offer. I just wanted to chime in with my support, best wishes and a reiteration of all of the advice and resources pointed to above.

I also wanted to reassure anyone who needs it that we absolutely don't want you to feel pressured, burdened, or (even worse) have your issues exacerbated by the "rules" of a Whole30 when you're dealing with something like an eating disorder. You can gain many of the benefits of the program by pursuing the spirit of the Whole30 program - simply reminding yourself that there are more healthy choices and less healthy choices - and then choosing the more healthy choice whenever you can. Every more healthy choice you make will move you in the right direction. Take the pressure off yourself and remember that there are no have to's or can'ts - your food choices do not define your self worth.

And you are all deserving of congratulations for a) being willing to face your demons and 2) choosing to pursue a healthier lifestyle, however that looks for you right now,

[StrongandFit]

Thank you so much everyone for their love and support! I am overwhelmed by the responses and the realization (once again) that I am not the only battling or battled with this issue. Marissa I would love to join that FB page so I will message you my name! Thank you for the offer. The battle with the cycle is an ongoing issue and just when I think I am okay things go south.

I am glad to hear that so many people have continued with the whole30 and that each time they do it, it helps. That gives me hope. I agree and have also researched making new pathways and that each time we don't give in to an urge we are taking a stand and making a new life and way of living.

Flynn the suggestion on the F list and eating whatever sounds amazing but I can't seem to stop once I start so I don't know how that would help but maybe I should give it a shot because it would take the power out of things.

All of the links that everyone has provided has been so useful so thank you!

Revket and Ducatigirl I struggle with that everyday. But I used to focus on please just don't let me eat sugar and carbs... those are downfalls and I can't just have one. But I have now focused on saying please give up the desire to compulsively eat. I realize it is the compulsion that is the downfall. So, if the desire to compulsively overeat goes away and I work on working through anxiety, pain (whatever feeling) than things will get better. But when I obsess about not eating sugar or carbs, I eat all the health food in compulsion as possible and than resort back to sugar and carbs. So, now I am hoping for the desire to be gone.

LizzyF I am hoping the same way! I just think if I eat until I am full the binge later on would disappear! One day at a time!

Robin thanks for your words of encouragement and I don't feel like in anyway that was the spirit of the whole30 but like you said the second part "You can gain many of the benefits of the program by pursuing the spirit of the Whole30 program - simply reminding yourself that there are more healthy choices and less healthy choices - and then choosing the more healthy choice whenever you can. Every more healthy choice you make will move you in the right direction. Take the pressure off yourself and remember that there are no have to's or can'ts - your food choices do not define your self worth."

I plan on starting on August 12, continuing reading, sharing and giving support, and doing the whole30 daily. If I do 5 fives great if I make it to 25 I will be proud. It is all about changing and learning new healthy ways one day and a time!

Thanks!!

[DucatiGirl]

StrongandFit, I meant to thank YOU for writing this post! You made me look at some of the issues I am having right now (day 5) during my first Whole30. Sometimes I forget about my ED background and wonder why the heck I have such a hard time with things. But I thank you for bringing up the issue and reminding me that this is bigger than myself and I need to be kind to myself. That's a hard one after a lifetime of beating myself up. I completely relate to what you say about focusing on healthy foods and eating everything in site and still ending up eating the cupcake (or whatever treat I can't resist). Thank you so much for sharing. It's really given me some good food for thought today and has helped me move closer to a healthier relationship with food and myself. Be kind to yourself and be proud of yourself. You are awesome!

-Megan

[BrandiSCollins]

Good for you!! I think what has helped me the most as far as the cravings go, is that when I am craving, I don't have to eat some carrots or celery, like a "diet". I can actually go to real food like some leftover meat, some avocado or even olives, which is actually satisfying.

I've battled weight all my life (always trying to be on the losing end, never succeeding) and ended up having weight loss surgery this past march. I've never made it past the second day of a "diet" on plan. I'm currently on day 4 and I feel good.

Give it a shot!!

[LindaLee]

You are more than welcome to join the FB group that Linda and I are in. It's a great group of us there and everyone is so supportive and helpful. I really enjoy going on there and spending time chatting with everyone. If you would like to be part of the group, just message me your name and I will search for you on FB. Or you can look for me, Marissa Sooter Liner.

Yes, do come join us! It's a GREAT group!

[megeo89]

Yay! I'm so glad to have found this thread and to know that I'm not the only one trying Whole 30 with disordered eating in my background. Simple carbs tend to be my binge triggers, so I really hope that by kicking them to the curb I can get those urges a little more under control. I've been over-exercising lately, so while I give my body some time to get used to these new eating habits, I will be trying to be a little bit more gently be incorporating a lot more yoga and continuing the C25K program that I started this summer. Tomorrow's my first official day on Whole 30; I've cut back significantly on my sugar intake over the last three days to try to make the transition a bit less shocking for myself.

Best to all of you! And have a wonderful Labor Day!

[StefA]

Hi everyone, I am new to this. In fact today is day one of my first whole 30. I have read through the book a couple times this last month and am excited to start. I too have always had a very unhealthy relationship with food and my body, struggling with binge eating at times and consider myself an all or nothing girl when it comes to carbs and sweets. I would love to be a part of a group for accountability and encouragement. Thanks to everyone for your honesty here, I see that a healthy relationship with food is attainable. Working towards that goal.