Here Goes Everything

[DocIKY]

Well, here I go…again.

I quite proudly successfully completed my first Whole 30 at the end of November last year. In the process I learned a lot about how food affects my body. One of the primary lessons I learned was that I'm gluten sensitive and that a sugar dragon is hard to tame.

In my professional life I spend a great deal of my time working with people who struggle with addictions. As I look back on the months since I completed whole 30 I see a familiar story. It was a gradual descent. You know a piece of pizza here, a bite of cake there. In the beginning those little things happened few and far between. Not surprisingly though the between times got smaller and smaller. I look over in my head the things I ate last week alone; store-bought-take-out-disaster! I am always reticent to share exceptionally personal information on such a public forum. However, I feel I can't ask for the kind of accountability I'm going to request without sharing some of the why. In the last few months my life has been utter chaos. After almost a year of formal testing, on December 27, my husband was officially diagnosed with ALS. His particular onset type has the poorest prognosis and his neurologist gave us a guarded “1-3 years.†We knew it was coming, but hearing those words was like being hit by a truck. Watching your loved one slowly deteriorate knowing there is nothing you can do about it and knowing the end result is simply torture. How does one prepare to be a widow? How does one prepare to parent two young daughters alone?

Certainly this has had a tremendous impact on my overall health and food choices. I'm not an emotional eater. However, more and more I am an apathetic eater. Food is no longer a pleasure, it is a function. Lately, whatever takes the least amount of effort to get into my body is what I put in my body. In my head I know that is the exact wrong thing to do. In the moment I don't have the energy to care about caring properly for myself. It wasn't an epiphany for me, but more a persistent quiet voice in the back of my head that's brought me to this place this morning.

I need to be healthy. My husband needs me to be healthy. My kids need me to be healthy. If I fail to take care of me, I am failing in taking care of them. Period.

Here's where this log comes in for me. It's not so much that I need help analyzing my food choices when I'm being compliant and tweeking things for my needs. I think I figured out what does and does not work pretty well for me the last time around. What I really need is accountability to keep making good choices. Right now I'm so far off track with that. I am choosing to start another whole 30 (45? 90?) to reset and get going in the right direction. It's not so much about coming here every day and logging what I ate. For me it's going to be coming here every day and saying I made the choice that day to take good care of me. I have tried two other times recently to start another whole 30. Each time I had no one to answer to and each time it was really easy to not care that much again.

So with all that being said I make the commitment to come here every day of my whole30 and give an honest picture of my day. I, as always, appreciate any encouragement or words of wisdom from my fellow travelers on this journey. Here I go again!

[kb0426]

I look forward to watching your whole30 (45?, etc) progress.

Keeping you and your husband in my thoughts.

Kel

[ScoutFinch]

Wow, thank you. This is brave and quite inspiring as well. Very sorry to hear of your husband, and hope that W30 may give him some relief and time as well. The best of luck to you every day.

[1Maryann]

(((HUGS))) I am so sorry to hear this. ALS is a particularly cruel disease. My sympathy and best wishes to all of you. It isn't just your husband's disease, it is a disease that will affect the whole family.

We can't love (take care of) others until we first love (take care of) ourselves. As women, we are preconditioned to put everyone else's needs ahead of our own. We even feel guilty about taking some 'me' time. But your children will be losing one parent sooner than anyone would have wanted. You owe it to them as well as yourself to make sure the other parent is strong and healthy enough to carry the load alone. It's great that you recognize that.

Let us know how we can help. Ask questions, post daily. I will subscribe to your thread so I can be sure to keep up with your journey. I'm glad you've decided to do this again. I'm winding down a Whole100 because my story was very similar to yours. A small cheat, a bigger cheat, eventually the wheels come off. I have decided this is just like smoking. I quit a million times, then I'd pronounce myself cured and able to handle a cigarette here and there. Eventually I'd be right back where I started. I now know I cannot ever have that first cigarette, and I haven't in 12 years now. I needed the extra time on this Whole30 to make sure the new habits are ingrained, that even in times of stress I have better ways to cope than stuffing my face with junk.

Good luck. We'll be looking out for you.

[Tom Denham]

We will all help you as much as we can.

[Derval]

Let me add myself to the body of support here for you

[DocIKY]

Day 1 Recap

I did it! It's funny to me that I'm so excited about the success of day one. Usually, I can be succussful with anything for just one day. This time it feels like I accomplished something!

Yesterday I ate good things. I'm certain though that I didn't eat enough good things. By the time I got home from work I was starving! I ate a lot for dinner and then struggled not to touch the kids Easter candy. Usually candy is something I can pass up without blinking so I know for me that was hunger more than craving. Pretty sure I would have been better off with a lot more water yesterday too; gonna work on that today.

Breakfast: Baked eggs and veggies (onion, pepper, tomato, mushroom, asparagus, garlic). I make a big pan of this on sundays and have a slice to go each morning.

Lunch: Mixed greens salad, with apples, pecans, grilled chicken, tomato, and lemon juice. This was part of the problem. It was delicious and filling at the time, but just not enough food. This is a salad I picked up nearby and do regularly. Suggestions on what I can do a side of to add to it would be great. Maybe a sweet potato? maybe it's not enough protein either?

Dinner: 2 grilled tilapia filets, 1 sweet potato with cinnamon and coconut milk, steamed broccoli, cauliflower, carrots.

Yesterday I was exhausted. I couldn't sleep and I had to get up at 3am. to drive my mom to the airport (spring break visit). Then I worked an extra long day in my job and covered as acting supervisor too. I had really wanted to go to the gym after work. Normally, I would have made myself go in spite of my exhaustion. Yesterday I didn't go and I somehow I managed to be ok with that. I did allow myself to see that as taking care of myself too.

My whole point about the being so tired is that it would have been so easy to not care at all and eat whatever was in nearest reach. My mom is not at all on board the healthy eating train. Every time she visits my kitchen looks too much like a 7-11. I could have easily grabbed some junk and convinced myself to start again tomorrow. I guess that's why day 1 success feels like such an accomplishment.

Today my goals are:

1. Eat MORE good food.

2. Drink more water.

3. Throw away all the junk.

[DocIKY]

Day 2 done!

Yesterday was a much easier day for me. The fact that I got adequate sleep and didn't start the day exhausted certainly helped with that! I continue to be appalled looking in the mirror at how broken out my face is. It's like being 15 again. I'm looking forward to the clearer glowing skin that I know comes down this road of taking care of myself. My one craving yesterday suprised me a bit. I wanted my starbucks fruffy-no-no drink so bad! Don't get me wrong, I had my 2 cups of coffee in the morning with coconut milk. It wasn't a caffiene response. It was a sugar thing I'm sure. Caramel drizzle was all I could think about. I had a 30 minute gap between patients and seriously had to talk myself out of getting in the car and getting one. Proud to report I didn't do it, but at that moment it was crazy!

Breakfast: Egg bake (same as yesterday)

Lunch: Same salad as day 1 but this time I doubled the chicken and I also ate a banana at lunch. This did work much better at keeping me level. Even with the workout at the gym after work, but the time I made it home I was ready for dinner but I wasn't in "eat-everything/anything-in-sight" mode.

Dinner: Omlette with 3 eggs & coconut milk, homemade salsa and an avocado sliced on top.

I went to bed at a decent time last night and got a solid 8 hours. It's amazing how much more tolerable life is with a good night sleep. Looking forward to reporting back that I totally rocked Day 3!

[Jtandi]

thank you for sharing your strength with all of us. I am with the others, let us know if there is anything we can do to make your journey better. I am in the whle100 group with Maryann and the emotional support between all of us has been amazing

[Krista Billows Rodriguez]

I'm so sorry you're family is going through such pain, you have my sympathies. You're right though, taking excellent care of you = taking excellent care of them. You need to stay strong and healthy so you can deal with the road ahead. Keep up the great work, I'll be checking back on this thread!

[Keianna]

So sorry for the struggle your family is experiencing. But what you put in bold print is the truth. Take care of you, so you can take care of them.

[Emma]

Your words about why you need to be healthy are so true and so often we fail to do the thing we most need to do to be able to handle the horribly hard journeys. I like your breakfast idea. We've been wondering what will work well for my husband who has to dash off in the mornings. He's used to a bowl of Grape Nuts and has little desire to put more effort into breakfast than that. Good luck with Day 3!

[DocIKY]

Day 3 success!

Let me start by saying a huge thanks to everyone's words of kindness and encouragement. I really do think about that during the day, especially at the end of the day when I'm tired. I think of all of your words and you know what happens? I am able to tell myself, and really mean it, that I would rather come back on here in the morning reporting success than eat (fill in the blank). I honestly tear up as I think about it: Your encouragement means more than you'll ever know. Sincere thanks.

The one weird thing of the day (because it seems there is at least one a day) was the metallic taste I had in my mouth all evening. I know I'm detoxing, but that was a new one for me. Strange.

I'm seeing that evenings are the hardest part of the day for me. My days tend to have some level of routine for me so staying in the groove of that seems pretty easy. What varies, and can vary greatly, is the time of day I get home and the mood I'm in when I make it there. Last time around I was all about the Sunday cook up; didn't get a chance this past Sunday to do that. I am definitely seeing what a difference it makes. I get home from work tired and hungry. Then I still have to prepare something to eat. There's an awful lot of temptation time in there that would make it very easy to throw my hands up and eat whatever is nearby. This weekend I need to do some real cooking. I'm more likely to be successful in the evenings if I just have to come home and heat something up!

Breakfast: Another sliced of baked eggs and veggies

Lunch: Fajita stuff! We went out to a little hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant. The staff was very nice about answering my questions and preparing the food to my request. Keeping this on the list of safe lunch! Fajita chicken cooked in no oil (they only had canola, yuck!) with peppers, onions, mushrooms. I put fresh pico de gallo (tomatoes, onion, cilantro, jalapeño), avocado slices and lime juice on it and went to town! Yum!

Dinner: Lettuce wraps. Ground beef seasoned with cumin (I put cumin in practically everything!) red pepper and salt, with sautéed onions, mushrooms, fresh garlic and bell pepper. Wrapped it all up in romaine leaves. Once again I say, Yum!

Did much better with getting more water in too. I keep a 24oz cup on my desk in my office. It's my goal to fill it at least 4 times throughout the work day. But I have to be very purposeful in doing so. Monday it sat untouched, and empty, on my desk all day; I had 3 cups of coffee and no water until I got home from work. Not cool.

I'm surprised that I'm not having any major detox symptoms. Last time I had some headaches, poor sleep and lethargy. Maybe it's early still, but other than cravings that I've not given into I'm feeling pretty darn great.

[DocIKY]

Today is my 5^th wedding anniversary. As all days of celebration have become for me, it is a bittersweet day. I know in my heart I should make each day special and make the special days even more so. Then I find I can't keep my questioning mind and sadness away. What if this is the last anniversary we celebrate? Try as I may to make the special day even more special it is equally a day of great sadness.

Last night my husband and I were watching TV together. A pizza commercial came on. Oh! It looked soooo good to me! He made the comment that to him all food commercials, even stuff he didn't like before, look good to him now. He didn't say it condescendingly or in any way negatively towards me. Yet, the comment made me so sad. Right now I am choosing to avoid those foods. It's a choice I believe is wise and healthy, but the reason why I do it doesn't matter. For him it's not a choice. His body has taken the choice away from him.

On my good days I am optimistic and driven. I never want to take good health for granted again. I want to be aware of it. I want to choose it. I want to savor it. Today is a cheerless day for me. The heart wrenching realty of my husband's world, of our world, overwhelms me today.

Today my goal is simply to be successful in eating healthy compliant food. I won't push myself today to create beautiful delicious sustenance as I did most days the last time around. Today, food for me is a function, but I will work to make sure that I only give myself functional fuel.

[beachchic85]

Happy Anniversary!!! Sorry for this hard time you are experiencing, I must say tho that the most beautiful things are created under pressure. I think that by you realizing that you want to be strong for your husband is awesome, looking at it as a choice instead of having to is a very positive outlook. Learning to accept this "storm" and fighting is fantastic, keep watching for your rainbow!! ((Hugs))

[CraftyCarnivore]

Happy anniversary! I do find pizza is the one food I really miss. Sushi is a close second. But I have found that dairy is my enemy, so sadly, I think it's no more (traditional) pizza for me. You have an amazing outlook and a really good handle on things. Good luck - looking forward to reading the rest of your journey!

[DocIKY]

day 8

I'm still here and chugging a long....even if one handed! messed up my shoulder and now it's immobilized for at least the next two weeks. Really praying the mri shows nothing is torn! as i sit here chicken pecking with one hand i can tell that my coming posts will not be verbose as usual! this is a pain in more ways than one!

However, in keeping with a positive outlook this injury is motivation to eat well and keepo my body the healthiest environment possible to promote healing!

[Derval]

Wishing you a clear mri and a speedy recovery.

[DocIKY]

Day 15

still here. Still typing with one hand!

Last week was the week of the headache. 5 days straight my head was pounding. I was thinking it was a little late for withdrawal stuff but who knows? Also could have been a reaction to the anti inflammatory and steroid meds.

This week my sister-in-law is visiting. It's wondeful because, though she had never heard of the hwhole 30 before yesterday, we are very like minded when it comes to food. We spent yesterday in the kitchen together doing my sunday cook up. It was nice to have someone to enjoy and share with. With her here I took the time to enjoy many aspects of my food, it wasnt just function. I am looking foward to a good week!

[DocIKY]

Day 26

I'm still hanging in there! I've had two, rather unplanned, trips recently that included lots of stress. The most recent one this week, though the purpose of the trip was far more stressful, the maintaining was easier. I didn't know any of the four people work sent me with prior to the trip. However, one of the guys was eating essentially the same way I am. We always went out to places that had food options that both of us could eat as well.

I would say my biggest complaint right now is exhaustion. I would say that has far more to do with being in 5 different states in the last week and sleeping in 4 different locations in the past week then anything else. Today I'm tired and I can tell my emotional threshold is low. Yet, I'm thankful to be eating well and taking care of my body because I'm certain I would have fallen apart with the stress of the week otherwise.