Suzy's 2nd Whole30, The Sequel, For Real This Time \o/, This Time It's Personal

[Suzy]

Hi again! It's time for Suzy's 2nd Complete Whole30. I've had several tries at doing various lengths of a W30, but this time I'm committing to ye olde 30 solid days of recovery, rest, good food, sanity, and solidarity within our li'l community.

Why:

Well, much like Die Hard, my sugar cravings are back with a vengeance. This alone is enough to do a W30. I just need to get this sugar-crazed, Kool-Aid-mustachioed spider monkey off my back so I can think straight.

Because of that monkey, I am irritable, sluggish, foggy, lacking in motivation, unable to get all the way happy (a.k.a. depressed), and I just cannot concentrate or motivate myself to do even things I love to do, let alone tasks like cleaning my surroundings so I don't live like a frat boy.

Because I'm such an old hat at this, I'd like to forgo the exact, meticulous logging of daily meals. I know how to eat during a W30 now. What I'd like you guys to do is just be a shoulder to cry on and perhaps offer your special tips and tricks and similar feelings. That would be so nice. This is going to be more of an emotional log than a technical one.

I mean, because I ate almost a whole full-sized raspberry tart and half a large pizza tonight, guys. I've been dealing with a ton of stress in a workplace that I absolutely loathe and today I just said the hell with it. Sometimes I just feel so emotionally marooned there that sugar, fat, and salt really are my only options for a release of some kind. I'd like to clean myself out again and give myself a good start so I can deal with these problems head on (by finding more friends and better employment) and not have to just cope with it all alone. I've had so many great things happen to my body that I'd like to keep and build on since adopting a paleo lifestyle in June 2012. Please help me assimilate this lifestyle choice even more.

Lately I've been wondering, is this whole thing just crazy and should I go back to just being able to very quickly purchase a sandwich and sit down and eat it and move on, rather than spend so much damn time making my own mayonnaise and boiling chicken backs for hours? Help me with this, please; just give me a reminder. I know the answer to that, though, especially since the acid stomach I have from eating wheat today feels so gross.

I really just wrestle with how self-indulgent it is to live in a country where food is so plentiful and yet be so precious about it. I know this is negative self talk, but it really does bother me. I personally don't need everything I eat to be 100% grass fed or organic, I'd just like to experience thankfulness and humility while eating a pretty healthy, modest paleo diet. And this time, I'm not talking about it with anyone who doesn't understand. I'm sick of the judgey wudginess of the opinionated people of the world. My deepest passion is to be firmly left alone to live how I'd like to live and maybe even to be respected enough that people don't think I'm a trend-sucking lemming, but that I might be considered intelligent enough to have thoughtfully made a decision toward better health.

One of the things I really need help with while taking care of myself in this W30 is seeking out the company of others. I'm serious, you guys. I'm a real introvert to the point of snapping at people when they try to pat me on the arm (this is also the social anxiety I get at work). I have some friends, but huge chunks of time will go by without me having the urge to be around them. I'm going to make an effort to do it, though, because I really need to experience the milk of human kindness, giving and receiving it. This sounds so "poor me", but I feel so completely misunderstood, that I need to see my friends to make sure I'm not an a**hole like everyone at work thinks I am. I've been the target of a lot of unkindness, even contempt, at my job because it's an extremely social, competitively stressful workplace. And that's just not me, baby. I'm a gardener, a reader, and a magic enthusiast. You know, a weirdo. I'm fine with it. That was my nickname in kindergarten, and I took pride in being different than the other standard issue girls around me.

So there it is. I'm weird, I need you, and the sugary, screeching spider monkey will eat me unless you help.

[Tom Denham]

I am increasingly concerned that logging food for more than a few days is emotionally unhealthy. Logging your emotions makes more sense, so I like your plan.

Many of us introverts need psychotherapy to help us make a comfortable place for ourselves in life. I've probably spent about 500 hours talking with one therapist or another since 1982 (as in about 10 years of weekly sessions). Therapists can be clumsy idiots, but talking through things with a good one can be very helpful. Friends often don't have adequate perspective to be of maximum help. And it can be easier to bare it all with someone you only know professionally. I mention this because you really deserve and need better coping mechanisms than pizza and raspberry tarts.

[annabel]

... I am irritable, sluggish, foggy, lacking in motivation, unable to get all the way happy (a.k.a. depressed), and I just cannot concentrate or motivate myself to do even things I love to do, let alone tasks like cleaning my surroundings so I don't live like a frat boy.

I felt that exact same way when I was stuck in a job I hated and nearly all of it resolved itself when I quit that job, took a course for fun and then decided to go back to school in September. (Yes, I do realise how lucky I am that this was an option for me)

Unfortunately, spontaneous job quitting isn't really practical for most people. But, have you thought about ways that you can improve your work situation?

[Suzy]

Tom and annabel, thank you. I was feeling pretty lousy after a bad eating day and stressed about my job and how my introversion fits with it. I should have mentioned that I go to a really great therapist, which is so important for me. The stress at the job is relatively new, or rather has cycled back into an unhealthy place. We're devising a one year plan to get me out of there, since leaving before I can get all the money I earned for retirement isn't an a good option. In the mean time, I'm going to reduce stress any way I can. Eating that stuff last night makes me further aware that I really do have coping problems and a firm addiction to carbs for comfort. Can't wait to get back into a healthier spot and out of the cycle.

Not sure when I'm actually beginning my W30. I kind of think it will start Sunday, 4/14/13. I'll keep you posted. I think I'd like to pay for the Daily emails again since they were so helpful and motivating. And they disappeared from my inbox on day. In the meantime, I'm going to just not have raspberry tarts and pizza, but have some nice, healthy meals and try not to be anxious.

[AmyB]

Suzy, I too decided not to do the daily food log - it makes me totally neurotic. Offering you a virtual hug and/or high five! Depression is a jerk and a liar - you deserve wellness and happiness. Maybe you could get a massage? It would be a great way to practice the self-care you speak of - reduced anxiety, better sleep, experiencing kindness and compassion from another person...just a thought. Best to you!

[Suzy]

Thanks, AmyB! I was thinking that same thought! On my to do list for tomorrow.

[Suzy]

Day One

Today is my start day. Wish me luck. Going to just concentrate on eating simple meals and de-stressing by getting the massage and taking the dog on a nice, long walk. Also, I'm going to do some coffee shop reading and some light cleaning up around the house. I'm off from work today and tomorrow, which will be the perfect opportunity to set myself up for success for my work week ahead (Sunday through Thursday).

I no longer believe that positive thinking is the all important thing I used to think it was. However, I suspect that the absence of negative thoughts might be a key to getting rid of stress. Sounds the same, but really, allowing myself to just relax and think of something other than myself for a while will help me a lot more than positive affirmations ever did (bupkis).

Probably tomorrow I will make mayo and ghee and dig up some new recipes to try, as I'm kind of an old hat at this and would like a little something new in the meal rotation. I would also like to pack lunches for myself and my husband for the week so we don't have to scrounge desperately for vittles at work.

All in all, I'm just starting a W30 again and being gentle with myself. My attitude is good and I'm optimistic that I'll get the sugar dragon under control before too long and feel more like myself again. Going to have an extra special focus on getting good sleep at the same time every night (1am) and eating at roughly the same time every day in order to regulate all my hormones.

6:05pm

Day One is well under way and I'm recording all of my symptoms so I can use it as a reference to how I feel on the SAD.

I feel scattered, directionless, very spacey, headachey, and disorientated. Good thing it's my day off! Kicking myself for ever getting attached to sugary, floury foods again. My joints as well as the back of my head ache. My muscles are super stiff, which I notice is one of the symptoms from eating inflammatory foods for me. My mind keeps drifting back to wanting to take a nap, which I may well do in a moment. Oh wait, it's after 6 and I heard that napping after that can cut into your nighttime sleep. Better save sleep for midnight tonight. Just been in my jammies all day. Don't judge! I get very socially withdrawn when I feel physically bad like this. And don't worry about my mental state, I'm going to spend time with my huz tonight watching Monsters, Inc. in 3-D and holding hands. We'll have a good meal beforehand so we won't snack in theater. Can't wait for that energy to come back!

[Suzy]

Day One Again

Day two didn't end up working out for me, as I'd already made lunch plans with my mother-in-law. I really like to avoid eating out altogether while on a W30 because there are so many pitfalls. Since then, my sugar intake has kept going a bit haywire. So, i'm starting over again today. I know my relationship with food needs more work, as evidenced by the Oreo pie sitting in my refrigerator right now. I really tried to eat moderately outside the strict rules of W30 but I think I need to step away from things again and slay my sugar dragon so I have a better chance of not making bad decisions.

Action plan for today:

Clean out my refrigerator

Actually clean my refrigerator

Prep some food

eat simply whole30 rules

Try not to obsess about whole30

Reduce stress anyway I can

do some gentle exercises including stretching

do my diverting hobbies

[Suzy]

Day Two warning: serious negativity

This Whole30 attempt has been the hardest of all. The first W30 was downright easy and exciting compared to how I feel now. I think the honeymoon feeling of a new way of eating has worn off and now I feel like, "Oh great. I'm going to have to eat this way or feel like dog crap the rest of my life." I just want to give up and eat lots of desserts, pasta, and revel in the convenience of eating whatever's around. This feeling is part of my depression that has reared its ugly head about a month and a half ago combined with the withdrawal from processed carbs. It's horrible. I have to work today and tomorrow and I KNOW how I'm going to feel. I've already been snapping at my dog and cats this morning. Watch out, coworkers. I feel like crying. I hate all vegetables. How the hell am I going to get the momentum to see this through??

[Suzy]

Exit Interview from this W30

So, yesterday I realized that "it starts with food", but it certainly does not end there. There are a lot of other factors in the Whole9 lifestyle that I need to focus on to get healthy. I'm really proud of me for educating myself and eating more healthful things these past 10 months or so, but, like they say on the 9blog, I need to "ride my own bike." However much I wanted healthful eating to be the entire key to fix my depression, plantar warts, anxiety, PMDD, and fibromyalgia I now know that I need to socialize more, exercise smarter, and possibly get on some new medications. I'm not going to throw the baby out with the bath water and start eating pizza every week, but I think relaxing about food choices is going to help my mental state a lot. Concentrating on the positives like eating more veggies is much more helpful than concentrating on negatives like what not to do and what not to eat. I'm going to be gentle with myself for now and forgo the really strict rules of a W30 until I know I need one and I'm motivated enough to see it through.

[Suzy]

One more insight. This is just MY experience and I don't want or mean to have an accusatory tone here.

It has just occurred to me that the pursuit of optimum health can be like the pursuit of anything else (wealth, fame, possessions). None of those things are going to last. It's not wrong to want to feel good and to try to stave off ill health, but the obsession of how to do it is unhealthy for me. I'm going to get out there and be kind to others for a while and try to achieve a happy balance in my life, like the spirit of Whole9 really means to convey.

[bonnynancy]

I wish you'd stay.

[Suzy]

Hey bonnynancy, I'm not going anywhere! I hoped to communicate that I love whole9, not a constant state of strict Whole30. I should have been more clear.

[Beets]

I read this today and it resonated with me. This is my first w30 and I'm going to finish. And I'm not going to be diving into any ice cream or beer any time soon. But I do agree with the points about becoming completely neurotic about what you are eating.

http://huntgatherlove.com/content/breaking-paleo

[AmyS]

Glad you're staying!

[Suzy]

Now that seven days have passed and I'm ok, I can talk about what happened. My gynecologist found a lump in my breast. I'm so, so thrilled that it turned out to be nothing, just inflammation (ahem) from dietary choices. It was the wrong time to attempt a W30, since there was a lot of stress about my health and relationship with my husband AND it was my PMS time (which was severe)! I was craving processed carbs for all sorts of reasons. I wish I could have just stopped eating them abruptly, but that's not what happened. I was pretty miserable and I just wanted a high from lots of sugar.

I'm really, really thinking about doing one again on May 1st. Sorry to jerk everyone's chain, but at least I'm being brutally honest. I've backslid quite a bit the last few months and I've got a considerable amount of stuff to work on, psychological and physiological. Like a lot of you out there, I'm much happier doing 100% compliance than 90%, since less compliance means more unstable blood sugar and a necessary reliance then on sheer willpower. I really don't know how I'll reconcile that unless I sit down and write some huge owner's manual for my own body and stick with all the rules as much as I can for as long as I can.

Tom, I know you've said before that you relax a bit on the guidelines when eating out at restaurants. Just curious, what does that mean for you (what do you relax about and what won't you budge on)? How often do you eat out? I'd like to know since I eat out and then for weeks I want to eat out a lot and sample progressively naughtier foods. Anybody else have thoughts on how to proceed?

I noticed that my self esteem is flagging a lot the last few months, too. It comes from feeling out of control and running to food as a comfort while my body doesn't feel as good as it did during strict W30. I'd like to get my mojo back pronto. Any encouragement is appreciated!

[Kirsteen]

Wow Suzy, I just found your log so I'e read it from the beginning. Your absolute honesty shines right through it. Sorry I've no advice except to say be kind to yourself - you sound like an incredible person. I'm glad you're health scare's over and I really, really wish you all the best. Good luck

[Tom Denham]

I'm glad you are okay. Really.

Tom, I know you've said before that you relax a bit on the guidelines when eating out at restaurants. Just curious, what does that mean for you (what do you relax about and what won't you budge on)? How often do you eat out? I'd like to know since I eat out and then for weeks I want to eat out a lot and sample progressively naughtier foods. Anybody else have thoughts on how to proceed?

This past week I went out to eat twice, which is a common frequency for me. Both times I went to an Indian restaurant for the lunch buffet. I can't remember everything I sampled, but it included goat curry, butter chicken, lemon rice, and mango lassi. There was dairy in the sauces and mango lassi and then there was the rice. I probably eat more off plan in Indian restaurants than anywhere else. I am one of the fortunate ones who does not crave anything after such an experience. I eat closer to plan in most restaurants. For example, at the diner where we meet friends every other week, I often order beef or chicken kabobs and get double the grilled veggies with no rice. At the Turkish restaurant near my house, I often order salmon and arugula salad or beef and tomatoes over green beans. When I am seriously off-roading at the Turkish place, I order baba ganoush that is made with yogurt and eat it with pita bread. However, that is something I do maybe every third or fourth visit.

I have not had pizza or beer since 2010. I might have had spaghetti and meat balls once since 2010 and I was disappointed. I almost never order desserts. I am not tempted by bread. Basically, I like meat and veggies and just go there. Before I went Whole30, I was the guy who usually ordered a vegetable plate. I have always liked meat, but when restaurants had veggie plates, I typically went there.

[AmyS]

I'm so glad you are OK!!! What a huge health scare to go through.

Go easy on yourself. You'll start another Whole30 the instant you're ready. Guarantee. In the meantime, you've been occupied with the measly and insignificant business of STAYING ALIVE. This is not "backsliding" (a huge and intimidating word in my childhood religion so I really do have to put it in quotes, for my own sanity). It's Job One. Now you get to breathe a bit, get a feel for where you are now, and make some plans and have some dreams for your future that don't involve painful treatments for life-threatening conditions. Again, this is not "backsliding." This is relief. You do get to feel it. Really really and completely - and (I say this with gusto since you're not currently on a Whole30) while eating anything you choose to eat. You're alive and you get to celebrate that. Truly, madly, deeply. Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight (and then blame it on the boogie, of course).

If you want to think of it this way, your coming Whole30 can just be part of the celebration of relief and the kick-off of your life going forward. I'm not saying it's the only way to think about Whole30, but it might feel more in line with your overall state of mind to consider it a reward, a treat, a pathway to a life that, as it turns out, you really do get to live.

From where I sit, none of that looks anything like "backsliding" (at least in the classic religious definition of the word). It looks like you're here, you're awesome, you're alive, and you get to eat post roast. Win, win, win, win win. Etc.

[jlb111]

Hi Suzy, I am very very new to this whole 30 and type of support that is available .

I have been in recovery for many years and have the wonderful blessing of meetings

and close support people who know "my story" and in many cases have lived a

very similar life story.

I am almost always in touch with a deep sense of gratitude for all the blessings I have

received from all the seemingly disruptive and difficult times I have experienced.

Most of those times have been self inflicted and the knowledge of that helps to

relieve my "victim of lifes slings and arrows" thinking I can run to;

However there are things that just happen that I play seemingly no part in

and those are a struggle to accept.

What I see when I read your sharing and all the extrodinary love and support

you are receiving, is people really rising up to give you their best And

I am filled with joy and gratitude for what you are so freely given and what I get

to witness.

When I joined this forum a couple of days ago I was and still visit resistant

to the support aspect of this whole 30 thing.

My story can be much of the time, "I can do this by myself" and through your

recent struggles and the healing you are surely receiving ; I once again realize

that the old concept " keep doin what you've been doin, keep gettin what you've been gettin"

Thanks for risking to share . I am sure all have been blessed by reading and having

an opportunity to support you in your journey

[jlb111]

and I forgot one thing.

I've been a bit whiney about not knowing my way around this Forum support.

Don't know the rules , not sure how to "get an A"

All silly self absorbed stuff and not very pretty.

Reading your post blasted my soon to be tirade right out of my consciousness.

Now I am capable of forgetting and bringing back that Little part of me

in a New York minute ; but for a moment I get to think more about you than

I do myself.

Very cool love and lots of hugs

[Suzy]

^{I'm overwhelmed by the support of this community, once again. Thank you, all.}

^{Amy S, I am glad to be alive, certainly, and not have to think about treatment, etc. My scare was nowhere near even approaching that kind of fear, really. I was almost totally sure that my breast tissue was just inflamed from hormones and what I've been consuming. However, it made me think of the kind of environment I'm creating within my body and how I need to change that in order to keep in good health. Sure, this time it was simple inflammation in the breast, but what about in 10 years? That inflammation could cause the cancer I was afraid of getting or other illnesses like diabetes, which BOTH of my parents have now. I'm afraid for myself and my choices. I would like to get to that happy, confident Suzy again.}

^{I was also upset that I was not getting the support I needed at home, even if I wasn't "fully" scared for my health. My husband and I planned a day trip so we could spend time together. It turned into me eating sugar and ignoring him when he talked. It wasn't intentional, but I was really trying to drown myself in sugar again. I'm crying a little now, thinking about it. I had a bad panic attack today as we tried to hike down a trail to see a beautiful waterfall. I felt dead inside and wanted to go back to the car, which is something I have literally NEVER felt before when surrounded by nature. I felt nothing of the aliveness I felt when we first started out at the beginning of the day when we had breakfast sandwiches and donuts. My hormones and blood sugar were all over the map and I know my choices of what I ate and didn't eat caused it. I was excited and alive when I was dosing with sugar but frightened and nauseous when going for a hike. We went home right after that. I'm left feeling like I ruined an opportunity for desperately needed intimacy with my husband, not to mention our good feelings and our day. I know that sounds harsh and I'm beating myself up, but that's how I feel. I will pull myself out of my funk and get my attitude healthy again.}

^{I've mentioned that I'm in therapy. Well, I need more or something. I've also mentioned that I may get on birth control pills and/or antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds in order to even out my mood. I hope I don't have to do that, since side effects are hard for me to cope with. I what I experienced today could have been totally prevented by not eating sugar and having some healthy food instead. I know I need another W30 and this might have been the motivation for me to go back to the safe place of healthy basic eating. I will attempt another W30. I won't be embarrassed if I stop again, I just have to make a move in some direction in order to move at all.}

^{Tom, thanks for sharing what you do in restaurants. It's comforting to hear that someone really hasn't had pizza or beer in a few years and is just fine with that. It lets me know that at least it's humanly possible to live without getting high on these foods. My problem lately is that I know the consequences, but go ahead and eat the stuff anyway. Hopefully this W30 will put some space between me and my drug of choice long enough for me to gain confidence to live without it again. I'm totally trying to use sugar as a pick-me-up when it's really a violent, horrible chemical that destroys my health.}

^{Also, Amy S, I'm sorry to use that familiar religious term "backsliding." It is a bad word, isn't it? I wish I chose a different word now. What I really meant was that I chose what was tasty and convenient over what would make me feel good.}

[Tom Denham]

Back when I was a therapist, I spent a lot of time trying to convince people to try a different one if the first anti-depressant they tried had too many side effects. Different people respond differently to the various medications. You might have bothersome side effects from one and no problems with another. Don't give up if the first thing you try doesn't work well or creates unacceptable side effects. There are dozens of choices and several of them are likely to work for you.

I realized when I reported what I eat in Indian restaurants that I am eating more than one or two servings of off-plan foods per week. I ate 3 or 4 servings of off-plan foods in just one meal. The thing is, I don't suffer noticeable consequences to eating dairy or rice or anything really. As to pizza, I was a cook at Pizza Hut during graduate school in the 1980s. I ate enough pizza to last back then.

[Suzy]

Day Two

I ended up starting again Saturday night (the day I wrote about above) with the intention of finishing the last three days of April and continuing through to the end of May for a Whole34.5. I already feel much better, as you can see from my emoticons. I just don't know if it can be overstated how BAD refined sugar is for the human body. With every Whole30, it seems to hit home more and more. Everybody seems to be trying to shake a dietary demon off his/her back. Sometimes it won't shake loose enough to even identify it until you complete a few Whole30s. Mine is refined sugar. Demon, I name thee Sugar!

That felt good.

I'm focusing on taking it one or two meals at a time so I don't get overwhelmed. I'm loving my strawberry gazpacho http://forum.whole9life.com/topic/9537-strawberry-gazpacho/ with meals as I made a LOT of it. There are lots of strawberries, but tons of veggies and herbs, which helps me get my plant matter in (always a delightful challenge). Last night I had it with Trader Joe's Healthy 8 chopped veggies with sliced turkey tenderloin with lemon juice and about two tablespoons of olive oil. Trader Joe's now makes dried fuyu persimmons, which I adore, so I polished off a bag of those. I know. It's sugar. At least I had it with a meal and it's from fruit, but I know I must work on that. That is the focus of this Whole30 and the reason why I gave myself a couple extra days. I still welcome your friendly criticism.

[AmyS]

You're doing great!