LadyM's seduction continues (sur son propre velo)

[LadyM]

Well, here I am at the end of my third week having returned to bootcamp. I am very happy getting up early and sweating deliberately 3 times and doing yoga 2-3 times plus a few long walks every week. Movement is good, and it makes my back feel better. I'm starting to feel more like myself and that my body is changing incrementally and for the better.

 

But it's been an emotional roller coaster. I've had to face the weight that I've put on, accept it, and move forward. Trying to be as loving toward myself as possible and not make this a battle. Historically I have a tendency to put on weight in the fall, and since fall has arrived with a thickened waistline, I'm feeling extra vigilant. I guess this is a good thing. But I struggle with feeling sorry for myself, feeling defeated, feeling the old stuff about working so hard and not seeing the payoff--even seeing the opposite of progress, and feeling like I want to be done with all of the struggle. Maybe I'll get back to that good place with a longer stretch committed to working out.

 

I've been enjoying that pumpkin spice latte I described and even busted out some old pea-rice protein I used to use. Not delicious. Real food is so much better. But using the powdered proteins feels like it's helping me get over a hump. Like I focus less on food and how it tastes and that's a nice break.

 

I do think my body is starting to change, and I think the big difference is lightening up on the healthy fats. I make sure to get a good dose of fat, but once a day rather than three times a day, and it's working.

 

Maybe I do have to work harder because of my thyroid and maybe that's OK. I just struggle with accepting that and myself. The key, of course, is to not compare myself to others, and that's an ongoing practice. 

[SaraRuns]

I do that PEER green soup, but I also do some other variations.  My latest has broccoli, spinach, mushrooms and tahini for seasoning.  It is surprisingly good.  Thanks for the suggestions, butternut definitely sounds good for Fall.  But we, too, are supposed to have a beautiful summery weekend, I'll take it!

 

Not comparing is an ongoing practice, at least for me.  As well as not struggling with those extra pounds.  I try to at least keep it in the back of my thoughts, if I can't banish them entirely (which I have not been able to do yet).

 

But I'm glad to hear your exercise continues to go well, that is excellent news!

[pjena]

Be kind to yourself.  Be calm.  You enjoyed the summer, accepted yourself as you are, ate and indulged calmly.  All good stuff.  Try to keep that feeling as you go into fall and all the busy-ness that comes with it.  Calm.  Accepting.  We do what we can and are willing to do and then have to just accept the rest.  That's my goal.  I'm not always there, obviously, but the more often we can get to that place, the better off we'll be.

[LadyM]

Thanks, you two. I don't know about you, but I have a weight tipping point--a point at which I am uncomfortable in my skin. And that tipping point is very sensitive. I measure it by my clothes, and while I'd grown comfortable with my summer clothing options, returning to the fall wardrobe has shown me that those extra pounds really make a difference. And since I eliminated all my fat clothes a couple years ago, there's very little wiggle room except for my stretchy comfy dresses. I'm doing OK wearing those and throwing a blazer over them for the time being, but I really want to comfortably wear all my jeans and tailored slacks sooner rather than later. I think it was Liz Taylor who said be vigilant against elastic waistbands because you won't know you've gained weight until you're nearly past the point of no return! There's truth in that.

 

Anyway, yes. Attempting to practice loving kindness and self acceptance amid the undeniable fact that I'm not where I want to be--in terms of weight and in terms of my other life circumstances. And doing what I can everyday to get myself closer to where I want to be. It's a bit of a conundrum, and one I've been in more often than not, it seems. I should be well practiced by now. 

 

Impermanence. It's the name of the game. I wish I'd figured it out sooner. There is no time or place in which I will arrive and stay there no matter how hard I work at it or desire it. But I can take it one day at a time and do the things that satisfy me best with the intention that I'm moving toward a deeper satisfaction with every choice and that I have no control over how long it may take.

 

Phew. Have I mentioned my 20-year high school reunion is coming up in a month? I think that's affecting my mindset around this, too. 

[SaraRuns]

I would imagine that a 20-year reunion would stir up some uncomfortable-ness (it did for me).  Embracing impermanence, that's a tough one!

 

But jeans are my tell.  They just aren't very forgiving, especially in the tummy area.  I have a couple pairs of work pants that are the same.  I stay FAR away from those when I'm having regularity issues.  

[LadyM]

That makes me feel better, Sara. Thank you! And yes, it was a pair of jeans I hadn't put on in a while that pushed me over the edge. It's always my belly I'm focused on anyway, and you're right that they're unforgiving. Maybe it's partly related to my (ir)regularity issues. I've banished nuts of every kind for the time being, especially almond butter, but even a sprinkling of nuts on my salads. 

[Physibeth]

So glad you are enjoying your boot camps again and getting into the fall swing of things. Hang in there and don't stress too much about the weight. Stress will only make it worse. Continue to look at it calmly.

 

I'm in the 20 year HS reunion camp with you, mine is the day after Thanksgiving. Crazy!

[pjena]

Yeah, a 20 yr reunion would throw me, too.  I just didn't go to mine.

[LadyM]

Bethany, that stress thought occurred to me, too. Working on it! Are you going to your reunion?

I'm flying to Dallas for a week to hit the State Fair in its final weekend and then the reunion the next weekend. Staying with my BFF and her husband and kids. That's what I'm most looking forward to, honestly, and I know the first and second grader could care less how big my waist is. No one cares, honestly, except me, and I'm doing what I can, so maybe I can just let it go, relax, and keep doing what I'm doing.

Thanks, as always, for the support!

[Physibeth]

Bethany, that stress thought occurred to me, too. Working on it! Are you going to your reunion?

I'm flying to Dallas for a week to hit the State Fair in its final weekend and then the reunion the next weekend. Staying with my BFF and her husband and kids. That's what I'm most looking forward to, honestly, and I know the first and second grader could care less how big my waist is. No one cares, honestly, except me, and I'm doing what I can, so maybe I can just let it go, relax, and keep doing what I'm doing.

Thanks, as always, for the support!

 

I am going to mine. I'm not super stressed about it. Physically I'm in such better shape now then I was in high school and I've got "young" genes. If anything worried about people's reactions to my pretty much being "just" a housewife and group fitness instructor, but not really considering I did the career thing for 15 years and it just didn't make me as satisfied as what I'm doing now. 

 

But you are right, no one cares except you and if they do then they probably don't matter that much. Get a rocking outfit, hold your head high, and enjoy the party. That's what I'm planning to do.

[LadyM]

Great advice, Bethany!

[LadyM]

I'm writing more and moving more and both are making me a nicer human.

 

In addition to my usual early morning bootcamp and cardio bursts, I've added a pilates class and a spinning class, so I'm doing a couple two-a-days. Might add a few more. It feels really good. I swear my back feels better the more active I am. And I keep thinking about what one of my yoga teachers said, that sitting is the new smoking. I do so much sitting for work. Now I've set the intention to move as much as possible when I'm not working. So, adding an extra noon class to break up the day after having done an early morning workout works quite nicely. And then I'm good and hungry for my lunch afterward!

 

Also starting to feel less hopeless about my weight loss plight. I've done it before and I can do it again. I just need to get real with myself about my behavior and what it's going to require for me to shrink. I know we've discussed this before. Though I feel a renewed energy and willingness to do what it takes. I pulled out my old copy of The Beck Diet Solution for inspiration. Anybody familiar with it? It's a cognitive behavior approach and very effective without prescribing a diet.

 

So, I'm still riding my own bike and doing OK. Eager to be doing great, but that will take time, patience, persistence. Whole30 as prescribed without tweaks simply isn't the answer for me. One thing I've realized--and this is supported by ayurveda for my particular dosha--is that I actually do better on very little breakfast. It's been that pumpkin spice "latte" with whey mostly, and I feel good with that. Then I have protein and veg for lunch with just a smidge of fat. My latest thing is making a "burrito" with either chicken or tuna or lamb liver and sauerkraut wrapped in a romaine heart. I've been having one of those with a bowl of green soup. Tons of veg. High nutrient. Repeat for dinner or a really thick pea-rice protein shake with greens and berries and added fiber. Not delicious and not sustainable for the long haul, but it fills me up, I've got it in the pantry, it's worked in the past for me, and I think it's helping me get past this hurdle. 

 

I have been eating too many apples, I must admit, and I'm curbing that now. Two servings of fruit a day max. And I've banished nut butters. It's necessary!

[SaraRuns]

So glad to hear about the writing and exercise.  More exercise making your back feel better shows what a wise investment you made in taking that break.

 

I also sit WAY too much, mostly due to work.  I keep telling myself I should go for a walk at lunch, but instead I work through.

 

I've been having a bit of the same discussion with myself.  If I really want to lose and not just maintain, I know what I have to do, I just have to stop thinking about it and do it.

[LadyM]

Another week down at the gym, and today I'm really feeling the endorphins kicking in. Like, I feel like my old happier healthier self all of a sudden. Going to enjoy it while I can regardless of its root cause. Though I think it's a combination of increased exercise, especially cardio, feeling slimmer, and the reintroduction of a 5-HTP supplement, which is supposed to boost seratonin and help balance blood sugar.

 

Thinking I'll be continuing my noon-hour return to the gym as often as I can. Slipping in a good extra 30 minutes of activity is turning out to be a great thing. And now that I'm thinking about it, I think when I was feeling my best and slimmest, this was my habit. To go hop on the treadmill for 20-30 minutes at work whenever I could on top of my regularly scheduled workouts. New intention: do this. Because sitting is the new smoking. The great thing is it makes me less, not more fatigued. Really starting to get that short intense workouts are the way to go for me.

 

I also got a tip at the gym this morning about a chiropractor who works with insurance, insurance covers medical massage out of his office, and he uses the same supplements that my FMD uses. So, I'm considering making a switch. There's one particular massage therapist there who does trigger point and deep tissue and comes highly recommended. Anyway, I'm kind of excited about checking him out.

 

Other news: I got a slightly new hairdo and am loving it. The color is richer and darker and I got bangs! Bangs! I haven't had them since the 7th grade. The effect is a little bit retro in a really good way--like a long sleek 70s shag with layers around the face and I'm loving it.

 

Been chatting with a new guy (a few actually) and have a date set for a week from today. Looking forward to that. I hate to admit it, but as anxious as meeting a new guy makes me is also as motivated it makes me to stick to my guns with eating and exercise. If I feel this good after a week of a committed diet change, then how great will I feel after another week of it plus the carefully increased exercise?

 

That and I have a newfound passion for kabocha squash. Made a really delicious massaged kale and roasted kabocha squash salad last night. The recipe called for all sorts of nuts and pomegranate seeds and maple syrup, but I left all that out, made a vinaigrette with some fresh squeezed orange juice for the added sweetness and roasted the squash with Penzey's tsardust, and it's fabulous. Kabocha has a really impressive nutritional profile including fairly low carb with the bonus of sweet potato texture. I'm all over it. In fact, I'll be roasting another one today making WF chocolate chili on this rainy day.

 

Anticipating a Chicago wedding tomorrow and have set the intention to enjoy myself appropriately. I'm just driving in and out for it, so two-drink limit and two-bite dessert rule. I helped choose the wedding cake (and wedding cake is my favorite!) and I know there will be another dessert served with the meal. Why do they do that?!? Anyway, I will have to choose wisely since two bites is my limit. That's my plan, and I'm sticking with it. Feeling good about being flexible, finding a middle way, and returning to my regular food schedule pronto. Like with dinner (it's a morning ceremony with brunch to follow). Now to decide what to wear that will make me feel most comfortable. . . . 

[pjena]

Yay for a fun new haircut!  That always makes me feel great, too.  And the lunchtime exercise is a great idea.  Getting out for a walk at lunch is so important to my mood!  Enjoy the wedding!

[LadyM]

Happy Sunday, friends!

 

I had a wonderful time at the wedding and it provided some serious perspective shifting. I really needed to get out of my own little self contained world in order to see myself from the ceiling. OK, so here's what I realized:

 

1. I am doing a pretty extraordinary job of tending to my health. Whether I have arrived where I'd like to ultimately be or not, I am on the right path. And I shall stay on it!

2. I can relax and enjoy myself with off roading without doing what feels like terrible damage.

3. I have achieved A LOT in terms of healthy habits with all these W30 shenanigans over time.

 

The nitty gritty:

 

1. I had two grey goose and sodas plus a mimosa over the course of eight hours. More than I planned, but still a win.

2. I enjoyed the spectacular Latin-fusion food, sampled everything I wanted, but didn't eat so much that I couldn't get up and dance my a$$ off immediately following dinner. Another win.

3. OK, so I had more like eight small bites rather than two of wedding cake, but it was totally worth it.

4. See aforementioned dancing my a$$ off. I may or may not be a little bit sore today. Another win.

5. When the party moved on (it was a 10 am ceremony followed by brunch and dancing that lasted until 3), I drank tea, chatted with folks, and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I didn't eat again the rest of the day.

6. I was home in bed by 10 and up at 6:30 without an alarm.

 

I spent a lot of time catching up with what I'll describe as an estranged best friend who also struggles with her weight. (It seems all women of a certain age do, I was reminded.) I watched her over drink, a regular habit, and listened to her talk about her ridiculous stress levels, how she doesn't get home from work until 9 pm, eats at 10 with her husband, and then suffers from terrible insomnia, only to begin again the next day. They want to start trying to get pregnant at the beginning of the new year and I wish her the best of luck. But it struck me that her hormones are likely all out of whack because of her lifestyle, and that on top of her being 37 might make it tough. Of course, it might not.

 

But the point is, without being judgmental or wishing something for her she doesn't want for herself in terms of revolutionizing her habits, I realized that I have made some great strides in building a truly healthy life for myself. The things we pay attention to around this forum aren't anywhere near most people's radar screens. 

 

And even though I would desperately love to have a tiny waist, a fat-free torso, and never have to struggle with or think about food and body image, I have made great strides despite significant adversary circumstances. Now I can give myself credit for that.

 

So, I have a renewed sense of self and purpose right now and I'd like to capture it and propose a few things in moving forward.

 

1. It's time to adjust my expectations and make friends with time. Nothing is going to happen quickly for me, but added up over time I can see a small revolution going on. I am not going to change my body composition significantly in the three weeks I have until my reunion. But if I stay the course, I know I could fit into all the clothes in my closet by 2015. Yes, this means making good choices throughout the holidays and my trip to Texas. I am well equipped to do this.

 

2. I feel better and have more success when I eat less. Period. Right now the shakes are helping me recalibrate in that regard, but I don't want to stick with them long term. I will continue using whey post WO, but in moving forward my focus is on high nutrient eating (hello greens and squash and bone broth) and appropriate portions, which are MUCH smaller than what I'm accustomed to. This is the next major shift for me and it will take time. I've had a lifetime of overeating healthy stuff. It's the next habit I am committed to changing.

 

3. I have both a fat and a sugar tooth, separate and together. I do best when I cut out refined sugar and keep fruits and good fats to a healthy minimum.

 

4. Movement is not optional for me. Finding the middle way with this is an ongoing process for me. My body likes to move and it's prone to injury. Continuing to lift weights, do cardio, and maintain flexibility are priority. Right now I have a great schedule. MWF 6 am bootcamp followed by cardio push with an extra half hour cardio sweat session at noon with yoga Tuesday nights and Saturday mornings. More walking would be good, too, but for now, I'll give myself credit for my regularly scheduled program.

 

5. My goal isn't to lose a particular amount of weight or to reach a certain size or any other measurable outcome. My goal is to keep it up for a year and see where I end up. This helps me keep my focus on the behaviors rather than the outcomes, which appear to be more out of my control than I'd like. So be it. 

 

Anyway, the upshot is that I CAN DO IT! I AM DOING IT! And life isn't so bad after all. 

 

Well worth the trip, I'd say.

[Derek`]

Great self-awareness there, LadyM.  

[LadyM]

Thanks, Derek.

 

I almost talked myself out of bootcamp this morning, but then I used my "Just keep showing up" mantra and it worked. Lots of tough plyo followed by running hills on the treadmill, so I was challenged. But I never regret a workout once I've finished it. Planning to head back for pilates and some spinning at noon.

 

Here's to another week of feeling good and making the most of it.

[pjena]

Fabulous weekend fun and realizations!  Thanks for sharing.  I know you can do it.  You've been doing it and inspire many of us here.  Focusing on the journy and each healthy choice is so much better than focusing on a number. 

[SaraRuns]

Some great insight from a happy day!  I enjoy seeing how you take your insights and use them to inspire your path forward.

 

Moving forward in a happy, healthy life.

 

And you really seem happier, even before this weekend.  I'm glad to see that.

[LadyM]

AF is here and making me really tired and hungry. The usual. But I upped my magnesium, so no regularity problems this month (HOORAY!); when I had a mad sweets craving yesterday I ate extra protein instead (ayurvedic wisdom); and this morning I used my "Just keep showing up" mantra to get my dead a$$ to the gym. It was tough, but I stuck it out. 

 

I just keep reminding myself to have a long-range view of things, keep showing up, take it one day at a time. So far so good. I'm not loving it this week, but I'm doing it.

[SaraRuns]

I think at the end of the week you'll be able to look back and be really proud of showing up, especially when your motivation to do so was low.  Great work!

[LadyM]

Update: I walked to spinning, spun, and walked home. I had to talk myself into doing it, but, you guessed it!, I'm sure glad I did it now that it's done.

 

And now I've earned myself a total rest day tomorrow. Just like yesterday. Though I do give myself a pretty awesome yin/restorative yoga practice before bed on these rest days, and I think I'm due for some yoga nidra. All this working out is stress as far as the body is concerned. Good stress, but stress nevertheless. Therefore, deliberate rest and relaxation is necessary.

[SaraRuns]

Yay, you!  Enjoy the rest today.

[LadyM]

So tired this morning despite going to bed early I decided to skip the workout. I'll still get some walking and spinning in over the noon hour, though, and my plan is to make up the missed workout with a bootcamp and pilates class tomorrow morning. However, I do have a date tonight that includes some commute time, so I hope I get home and in bed in time to rest up for the make up workout. Or maybe I don't. New guy. No expectations, really, but there's always a glimmer of hope, right?

 

Feeling very blah about my body and diet right now and trying to talk myself into stopping thinking about it. The protein powders are handy, but they're not delicious and they don't seem to be having much of an effect. By my calculations, I've pretty dramatically decreased my calories and fat for the past couple weeks--except for the wedding last Saturday--while also sustaining a high level of activity, so what gives? Starting to think I might as well enjoy myself W30 style if I'm just going to maintain anyway!

 

I also think maybe I should quit breaking the bank on groceries. Yesterday I bought a regular grocery chain turkey breast and eye of round for roasting and ready-made protein. I figure since they're low fat, that's a pretty safe bet. Spent about $25 on the two, and really, that could be enough protein for the week. This is happening right now thanks to Deb's posting the link. It smells pretty dang good.

 

Oh well. I guess every week is different and I can just make the best and most informed choices as I go, expecting as little as possible in return. Back to letting the journey be its own reward. Easier said than done.

 

A week from today I'll be away from home for 10 days for the Texas State Fair and my high school reunion. Since I'll be staying at my BFF's place, my goal is to just be smart and a good houseguest. I usually do some cooking that everyone appreciates. I also usually do a fair bit of drinking, but I'm hoping to minimize that as well as sweets. I am very much looking forward, however, to some really good Tex-Mex and a single perfect corny dog at the fair. I am also aiming to do as much running and walking outside as possible. The weather there this time of year is generally pretty glorious. And I'm a nicer human when I'm getting some cardio and fresh air.

 

Plan for the date tonight: enjoy myself, have 1-2 glasses of wine with dinner, no gluten and no dessert. It's a rare dude that wants dessert anyway, so I figure it'll be fine. We're going to a tapas place, so we'll be sharing small plates. I think I can steer that in my favor.