I got skinny shamed this weekend

[AllyB]

I went to kid's birthday pool party with my daughter this weekend.  It was the typical kids party.  Pizza, chips, capri sun drinks.  Some of the adults had bathing suits on (I did as well.)

 

When I got there, one mother (who I've known for several years and has seen me in a bathing suit) looked at me and said "You're skinny!"  I didn't respond.  Then a few minutes later, she said "Have you been doing ab work?"  Being a smartass, I said "No, I just do Pilates."  (Which is a lot of core work.)

 

So as the party went along, she kept making comments about my body while we were sitting at a table with a bunch of people.  Then when it came time for cake, another father (who I've also known for several years now), came up to me with a piece of cake.  He offered it to me and said "People are worried that you are wasting away, so you better eat this."

 

Huh?  A nasty blue frosted cake is going to save me??  My reply to him was "I'm not wasting away, I just quit eating crap.  I eat veggies, fruits and meats."  His reply was "Well, that sounds find except the veggies part."  This was the only thing that I said about the way I eat.  I wasn't lecturing or trying to convert people.

 

As a side note, I did eat the cake.  I had planned on it ahead of time.  But later that day, I had a splitting headache.  So I'm not eager to have it again any time soon!

 

My take away from that experience was I find it really sad that people think it's ok to freely discuss other peoples' bodies.  I felt a bit like a piece of meat.  I also think it's one of the reasons so many women have eating disorders.  Our sense of self is derived by how we look.  Just because I've lost weight and look healthily doesn't automatically make me a better or valuable person.

[Tom Denham]

I started noticing the similarity between parents and their children when I was in the 8th grade. I didn't know what genetics were, but I could see how we tend to grow up and look like our parents. I'm old enough now that I can remember the parents of high school friends when they were the age my friends and I are now. I'm 56. What is striking to me is that many people are bigger than their parents were - both the men and the women. They still look similar, but they are much, much bigger. Not all of them, but many. This suggests to me that their being fat is not a matter of genetics. It reflects a change in what people eat and maybe a change in focus onto eating. 

 

The culture we live in wants you to look like everybody else and will prompt you to eat the same foods as others so you will conform. Almost no one walks around thinking about the influence of culture and the ways that it enforces its views, but I think your being skinny shamed was cultural enforcement action by people who had no idea about what was going on. They were pawns in a dance with music they did not know they heard. 

 

Good for you remaining self-aware and making your own choices. 

[Mac family]

I'm sure the woman meant it as a compliment, but it's still rude to talk about other peoples bodies that way. I'd only say something like that to a very close friend or family member who I knew was intentionally trying to lose weight.

I also saw you are from Georgia. I used to live in South Carolina, where "skinny" is NOT the norm (in a bad way). "Normal" is anything from 10-30 pounds overweight. I recently moved to New England, and I'm curious to see the cultural differences up here.

[AllyB]

Yeah, I guess I was being hyper sensitive.  There was another woman there who I know has been struggling to lose weight.  (It's been an issue in her marriage.)  She had lost some weight but no one had noticed and I felt bad for her that no one complimented her.

[GoJo09]

I think it's funny you don't want people commenting on your weight (which I agree with! ), but then you feel bad that noone commented on another woman's weight. Perhaps she would have been hideously embarrassed if someone came up and said "oh well done, you finally lost some weight, you look great! " - which clearly means she looked bad before.

That woman who repeatedly made remarks about you clearly has no idea about appropriate interactions!

[MeadowLily]

I think it's funny you don't want people commenting on your weight (which I agree with! ), but then you feel bad that noone commented on another woman's weight. Perhaps she would have been hideously embarrassed if someone came up and said "oh well done, you finally lost some weight, you look great! " - which clearly means she looked bad before.

That woman who repeatedly made remarks about you clearly has no idea about appropriate interactions!

That was very astute.  We should not be focusing on weight, the scales or diets.  

 

Why do people feel they can offer up critical assessments of our looks....either which way?

 

This is just me,  but I think befores and afters contribute to how we're supposed to feel about these weight issues.  I appreciate them and admire the guts it takes to put them out there for the world.  I cannot do it.

 

It makes me think of comparisons....'out of control girl vs. in control girl'.   I actually believe they add to the dieting pressures and miseries that we see here every day.

 

They also remind me too much of the Biggest Loser.  When someone doesn't lose enough, it's out the door they go.  Competition is more pressure we don't need to put on ourselves.

[Tina R]

I'm sure the woman meant it as a compliment, but it's still rude to talk about other peoples bodies that way. I'd only say something like that to a very close friend or family member who I knew was intentionally trying to lose weight.

I also saw you are from Georgia. I used to live in South Carolina, where "skinny" is NOT the norm (in a bad way). "Normal" is anything from 10-30 pounds overweight. I recently moved to New England, and I'm curious to see the cultural differences up here.

I haven't lived in New England for over 24 years. One thing I remember is that during the winter you have so many extra clothes on, nobody knows if you've gained any weight or cares. I live in Southern Californina now and it seems that people are always concerned about what they look like. I think most of the women I know have had plastic surgery. It is so sad to think that these women will put their life at risk to look like everyone else. Personally I don't want to look like the plastic masses.

 

If you are anywhere near Portsmouth New Hampshire you have to go to Jumpin Jays restaurant. Their seafood is amazing. Or check out The Puritan Backroom in Manchester NH. They have an amazing gluten free menu (you still have to ask for stuff without dairy, they haven't gone Paleo yet). Enjoy!

[AllyB]

I think it's funny you don't want people commenting on your weight (which I agree with! ), but then you feel bad that noone commented on another woman's weight. Perhaps she would have been hideously embarrassed if someone came up and said "oh well done, you finally lost some weight, you look great! " - which clearly means she looked bad before.

That woman who repeatedly made remarks about you clearly has no idea about appropriate interactions!

Good point.  I had another mom-acquaintence who lost about 50 pounds and when people complimented her, you could tell she was very uncomfortable about it.  I wondered if she was thinking the same thing about feeling bad about her previous state.

 

I told a friend about what happened and she was like "What's the big deal? Just say thanks and move on."  So I guess part of the issue is mine  However, I think there is a difference between compliments and comments.  These were comments.

 

Anyways...I'll try to store my baggage away now!

[AmyS]

I agree with Tom.  There is an added layer for women, which is that even in these more enlightened times we are, far too often, still viewed as objects when we are in a public space.  As such, we are available to be commented on.  It's just lovely.

[Mac family]

I haven't lived in New England for over 24 years. One thing I remember is that during the winter you have so many extra clothes on, nobody knows if you've gained any weight or cares. I live in Southern Californina now and it seems that people are always concerned about what they look like. I think most of the women I know have had plastic surgery. It is so sad to think that these women will put their life at risk to look like everyone else. Personally I don't want to look like the plastic masses.

 

If you are anywhere near Portsmouth New Hampshire you have to go to Jumpin Jays restaurant. Their seafood is amazing. Or check out The Puritan Backroom in Manchester NH. They have an amazing gluten free menu (you still have to ask for stuff without dairy, they haven't gone Paleo yet). Enjoy!

Thank you for the suggestions!! Can't wait to do a little exploring. Our first trip to the Cape was an epic disaster due to poor planning on our part and hitting horrendous traffic. Maybe once tourist season slows down we will venture out again. So far I'm loving this area, and looking forward to fall. I love sleeping with the windows open in the middle of summer. That's not something you can do in South Carolina in August!

[praxisproject]

It's also good to remember this is learned behaviour, people are trained to behave this way and rewarded for doing so (including bullying), most of the people who do this behaviour have had it done to them and they don't like it, but they keep doing it. Shaming and body image go back a long time in history, but it's never resulted in health, funny that

 

It's important to break it for the new generations.

 

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. - Eleanor Roosevelt