Groan... Depression, Denial, Excuses... oh my...

[Jessica M.]

So off track, feeling so sucky, and the guilt.... Reading another book reinforcing many of these ideas, mainly that somehow I need to transition my whole family, especially my ten year old son and myself to grain free and dairy free. Practically having panic attacks about how to accomplish that and then I go hide my head in the sand and eat yogurt with chocolate chips or a giant bowl of salty buttered popcorn. Today's mental state is: "school ends in two weeks, empty the pantry then" alternating with "start the picky boys off on some Lactaid milk and step everyone down off their crackers and cereal."

I've been so anxious about work and life and I think I need different anxiety/depression meds. Looking at seeing different doctors and wishing my insurance would pay for a good naturopath or some kind of nutritional therapist. And making me feel even more awesome mentally and physically... I had my podcast debut this week on one of the shows my company produces, and I have been getting kudos and people seem to like the tutorial I did as the new co-host, and all I can see is HOW FRIGGING GIGANTIC I LOOK. I know I am fat, I feel fat all the time, but seeing it on "TV" is different, and reinforces that I am in denial about how HUGE I have gotten. I wish so much I could go about ten-fifteen years back and say,"You're not so fat. THIS is how you look fat" and just appreciate the body I had back then.

And I have a million excuses for not sticking to eating well. And I have a million good intentions. And Rome wasn't built in a day and all that good stuff. I need a life coach and a trainer. Just need to vent. I know there are many good supportive people here. So I'm venting. And sharing my fat self. Which is all I can see or feel or think about. Then I feel guilt that there are so many people who have worse lives than me and worse problems and this is all I can see or think about.

And more trivialization of the world... I turn 40 on Monday. Hoo-ray.

Not feeling like I can do anything. Yuck.

[pjena]

I'm sorry you're feeling like this! Thinking about transitioning your family to a new diet IS overwhelming! I had to do it when my son was diagnosed with food allergies. It seemed so hard! But, once we got into a routine, it wasn't hard anymore.

My best advice is to just start. Don't think about it. Just do it. Make a list of things you will buy and will eat and just don't buy anything not on that list. That will automatically step down the kids' junk food without you needing to worry about whether to start cold turkey or wait until school is out or ease into the transition. Just start. It'll happen.

Also, find a way to be kind to yourself. You have to lessen the stress you are putting on yourself. For me, it's a walk with a friend, a walk with an audio book, yoga, reading, cooking in peace with no kids yelling that they're starving or commenting on what I'm making (that last part is key! LOL). Find what relaxes you.

Good luck!

[Nadia B]

You already did. You came back to confess, maybe get encouragement and help. There is a lot going on apparently and you'll have to fix every single one of them. One by one. Maybe list all the goals and tasks you want to accomplish. Pick two and stick to accomplishing them 100%. Do not worry about the rest.

[KitchenWitchy]

Hey, your body looks like my body on a good day Not so bad!

And just think, in 15 years, you might be sending thoughts back to yourself of today about how gorgeous and wonderfully functional the old body was. Try focusing on what you CAN do... I bet there are lots of things

Personally i know I will never be a swimsuit model, but i am so grateful for the ability to swim!

[Jessica M.]

Thanks, Ladies. Feeling extra negative this week. Was reluctant to even come on the board and vent, though it's a step toward getting back on the track I want to be on for sure.

Part of me feels like "everyone" here is normal size and just wants to get healthy/healthier OR is slim and fit wanting to improve performance. I know that isn't the case and there are all types here. Also, can't hurt at all to learn from healthier people and slimmer people. It's fat girl logic. "I don't belong here."

And I am feeling more than ever like the fat girl.

It kind of cracks me up... my kids talk about my squishy belly and how I am like a pillow. To them, it's how I am and it's fine and normal and comforting and good because it's just Mommy to them. But when they point out that my belly is comfy to lie on or they like to squeeze me, of course it pains me emotionally and then I try to hide it so they don't think weight or body size is a big deal. And I worry that one day some dumb kid will tease them for having a fat Mom. Like my brother got teased about our mom. And then my daughter will mention that she is heavier than her older brother and I tell her it's perfectly normal for her, they just have different body types (which is true). It's obvious to them that I want to lose weight, but I try to make it all about wanting to be healthier. And I tell them,"I'm very healthy, but if I weighed less I would be EVEN HEALTHIER and I could run and play better with you guys!" which is true. But of course, I just want to be slim. And buy normal size clothes. And I've never been skinny in my life (not since puberty anyway).

Today I just want to not be the fattest person in the room at all times. Less self loathing would be really nice.

And there are health issues. Thankfully all my typical lab work is fine. But I am tired all the time, headachey all the time, sinus problems all the time. Body aches, neck issues, stomach issues, constipation. Anxiety and depression. Social awkwardness. Tons of brain fog. Zero interest in my love life with my totally awesome husband (also a body image thing, but physical too). TMI, I know, but goes to show your sugar and cholesterol and all that can be good, and you can still be messed up. I am thankful that I don't have any major issues and that thankfulness adds to the guilt!

I need to keep getting back on track and one of these days it will stick enough that it's rare that I get off track.

I keep falling off that damn bike, wondering how many times one person can resolve to change and feel 100% committed and a few days later be like,"Screw it." I can blame it on being busy, on losing a dear family member and the routine being thrown into chaos, etc. The reality is I am lazy and it is easy to be lazy and it is hard to change. Super hard to change. And the quotes in the book and on this site about it not being hard to have black coffee, etc., it's not like kicking drugs, etc.... it is kind of like that sometimes. For me. It's unfair I suppose. But nobody can deny it's easier to just eat what you're given than to plan out your meals and make time to shop and cook them and bring food everywhere with you.

[SonyaT]

Check out this thread and especially what Kristeen has to say:

http://forum.whole9life.com/topic/10144-obsessed-with-body-image/page__pid__102098#entry102098

It totally hit home for me today. I understand the way that you feel, believe me! And there are definitely some days that I get angry because I feel like I am working so hard and yet I am still always the fat girl. But you know what? I'm becoming a pretty darn healthy fat girl. And my body IS changing and my life has changed IMMENSELY! It will happen, it isn't always easy and you can do this. But first you have to get rid of the self loathing. Change your perspective: don't do a Whole30 because you hate yourself and the weight you carry, do a Whole30 to change your life and your children's lives and the way that you feel. And there are a lot of us here to help you through it. You CAN do it!

[CaseyD]

First thing first, weight doesn't not equal health. My sister-in-law is a size 0, a personal trainer, competed and got a high score in a fitness model competition less than a year after having her second baby (in total, she had to lose I think almost 80lbs for that), and is absolutely not healthy. She has high cholesterol, arthritis, migraines and fertility issues now (and it's not because of her age). You need to completely separate the words "skinny" and "healthy" in your mind.

And, then you need to throw away the words "skinny" "fat" "overweight" and any other word that describes only your physical self.

Sure, some people come here because they want to lose weight, but for as much as I've been on these boards (and other popular primal/paleo boards), as much paleo blogs I follow, and as much as I've just read about this lifestyle period, the overwhelming reason I think people adopt the paleo lifestyle or even do a Whole30 is because they are wanting to improve their health.

No amount of naming calling or insulting yourself is EVER going to motivate you to do what you want to do (which I'm assuming is just adopting a paleo diet). Has that worked for you yet? In fact, I wouldn't even do this with weight loss as a goal, as it is clear from your posts that you have some serious body image issues. I've definitely been there. Before I started making babies, I had the body of a endurance cyclist (as that was my hobby) and back when I worked as a musician, I had every magazine that reviewed us talking about how hot I was, but all I saw in the mirror was fat and ugly. I couldn't see anything close to what other people must have saw. So, losing weight is not going to fix that for you, and let me tell you how miserable it is to have a great body and still hate it! It's funny because now I'm a squishy mom and I actually love my body for the first time!

On getting your family on board, unless there is some dire need for your whole family (or any member of your family) to adopt a paleo diet right now, I wouldn't even touch that yet. You have to focus and work on you first. You'll have a much easier time getting anyone else on board if they see that you are on board.

And, I agree with you, kicking some of these foods IS hard. Quitting sugar is like quitting drugs to me. I am just one of those people who cannot moderate this in any way shape or form. I can't even eat paleo treats without it turning into a real problem that spirals out of control. Not to mention, I have discovered I have a long list of food allergies/intolerances that really narrow what I can eat. It's depressing sometimes. I definitely get that feeling. But, It is quite o.k. to mourn your food losses (which doesn't mean indulging in them, it just means having a pity party). And, it is quite normal to have very intense cravings for foods you're quitting that seem to go on for a long time. That IS hard to deal with. Very hard. And, every time you reintroduce these foods, you start the craving cycle over if you're anything like me!

If I were to give you my advice, I'd break it down like this:

- Do not adopt a paleo diet/do a Whole30 for weight loss. Don't even weigh yourself before you start. Just throw your scale away right now. In fact, I would move all your mirrors in the house so that you can only see yourself from the shoulders up for the entire month (my friend did something like this and it was huge for her). You can live without checking out how those pants you wear all the time look on any particular day. In fact, it will be good for you to just not have to care.

- Instead, adopt this lifestyle only because you want to see if it improves your health. I know you've done a Whole30 (or 45 it looks like) but, think of it as an experiment. Write down a list of health issues that you would like to see improved and evaluate your healthy eating from that standpoint. You actually started a list above.

- Get excited about healthy foods. I recommend Well Fed, as this is my favorite cookbook, but there are tons of places to find great recipes. If you're not a recipe person, then focus on making paleo foods that you know you're going to love the taste of to help you get through the cravings. Eat fat - that definitely helps me through cravings!

- I signed up for the daily emails. Did you do that? If you attempt a Whole30 again, I highly recommend doing that. They were so helpful for me, and I wasn't even new to Whole30 when I did one with the emails.

- Reward yourself. Set a list of milestones (maybe if you make it to certain days, or make it through certain events) and what reward you're going to give yourself. It's better not to reward yourself with food and I would also suggest not with clothing either, since you seem really hard on yourself for what your body looks like. For me, a new kitchen tool or something for my garden would be a great reward. Or, a massage. And, really do this because if you've earned it, you really do deserve it!

- But, most importantly, practice loving yourself. I had to do this. I would listen to the negative talk in my head, intentionally cut it off and start writing down a list of why I deserve to love myself. Sometimes, I would write things I think other people would say (or have said). It kind of took that before I could really find reasons on my own. I can think of a great one right off the bat, and I don't even know you. You're too determined to make this work to give up. The fact that you are posting all this stuff here proves that you haven't thrown in the towel and given up on yourself. So, that says you are NOT a failure.

I probably crossed a line somewhere in my post. I do have a tendency to get preachy, so I apologize for that! But, something about what you've written here really struck me because I feel like I could have written a lot of these words a few years ago. It breaks my heart to think I felt that way about myself and I don't like seeing someone else feeling that way either. I really hope you get to all your health and happiness goals.

[Nadia B]

Second every Casey's word. I love a good preach myself Read Paleo Coach if you can, it's a small book.

[Beets]

Such kind, thoughtful advice here.

I second all the above (including Paleo Coach--thanks again Casey for turning me on to that).

I only want to add that you don't have to be all or nothing with your kids. Maybe you need to make baby steps with them (for ex I started just by not buying cereal--no other changes for my kids) while you help yourself.

In all mothering related issues I always think about the airplane, first you have to give yourself the oxygen mask before you give it to your kid. If you are in an unhealthy mental place, you can't possibly take all this on without bringing more stress into your life.

I read about all these people changing the whole family over to w30 and I felt kind of bad I wasn't doing the same, but I also know Ive been depressed, anxious and easily overwhelmed for two years. So first things first: you.

I very highly recommend listening to this as you fall asleep. It really gets into the emotional aspects of body image, self acceptance without focusing too much on "dieting" or losing weight per se. I agree about not focusing on weight during your W30, but think it makes a good companion. http://www.healthjourneys.com/product_detail.aspx?id=173

[Jessica M.]

Sonya, Casey, Nadia, Beets... thank you all so much. I will do the reading you suggested. Thanks for the support and kind advice. As you can see I have trouble doing for myself and lots of self esteem issues. Feeling very high maintenance right now (ugh). Considering actual therapy, though the idea of sitting and talking about me me me just seems like more of the same. I have the me me me on constant track in my head already. I don't care about skinny, I know I said slim above someplace and that would be nice but I would just like to be slim enough to feel comfortable in my own skin and not disgusted by myself. I've reached that point where I don't want to be in photos and I don't want to be looked at and that is not good. I dunno. Any friend I would say,"we could all benefit from some therapy" but for myself I'm reluctant.

The Whole 45 was near perfect in my mind. I wasn't financially able to go get grass fed, organic, etc. etc., but I read cans like a hawk, cooked everything I needed, read a million blogs, got cookbooks, joined a co-op for veggies, and didn't so much as lick my finger after dishing something up for the kids. Twice since I've tried to do a Whole 30 or Whole 21 even and I poop out a week and a half in and do that first week and a half, half heartedly. I do this every time I try to make a lifestyle change. I get a couple months in and it loses its glamour and I get bored and revert to my old behaviors. But this is not like my South Beach attempts or my stints of Weight Watchers. I've read It Starts With Food, The Paleo Solution, Wheat Belly, Every Day Paleo, and a bunch of other book samples and a gazillion blogs... I can't unlearn this stuff. Thinking about all the scary things the food industry has been doing the past few decades and all the GMOs and everything... I am overwhelmed. I kind of want to just run to the country and start a farm. With WiFi. I'e been talking about chickens. I'm from Queens, people. We had squirrels and pigeons for wildlife. Now I'm in the burbs of Tampa, I don't think the HOA would take kindly to a chicken coop. And I have trouble getting up at all, let alone getting up to clean after chickens. But this is where my wheels are spinning right now. AND with all this reading (Oh, now I am reading Cure Your Child With Food) I have come to realize that all the issues my Son has had in his short ten years have probably been food sensitivities and possibly some sensory integration problems as well. And I am angry and guilty that I didn't find this information ten years ago. Or if my daughter was born first, I would have realized how NOT NORMAL all the fussiness and food issues and sleep issues were and gotten DS to professionals. Well, the one professional I went to gave medicine for GERD and had me thickening breast milk bottles with rice, so maybe not. I don't know. I'm all kinds of confuses and overwhelmed right now.

BUT I do think I need to find/address his potential issues before he hits puberty. And my hubby needs help too. I get the help yourself first thing, but I can't just be cooking different things for myself and still watch them eating the same stuff. I need to at least make some changes. My son is gifted, I may even just get him to read some of what I've been reading and he may decide he needs to change too. I don't know. They are waiting for me so we can watch Doctor Who!!!!!

Thanks for the kind words. :-)

[kb0426]

I have SO been where you are right now. It took a whole lot of work for me to be who I am today. I only wish as I made the changes in myself that I brought my family along as well. You are doing something amazing for them as you work to transform yourself.

I used to work for a man that when he could see an overwhelming task, he would say "How do you eat an elephant?" Answer: "One bite at a time." I am pretty sure that elephant would be whole30 compliant too .

Lay out what you want to accomplish. Put some easy, big wins in their at the beginning like "Clean out pantry and take to food shelf" that gets the momentum going.

My only other advice is to read your comments here, and respond to them as if your daughter had written them. You no doubt would give her love, support and understanding. You would encourage her to share all of the WONDERFUL and AMAZING things about herself that are totally unrelated to the number on the scale or the tag on her clothes. I know it is harder to do to yourself than someone else, but practicing kindness to yourself gets easier over time.

Sending you hugs. I know how much it hurts, I know how overwhelming it all is, but baby steps will get your there.

[Jessica M.]

Life continues to be hectic and I have been in a bad head-space. Have been back to almost all my old habits. House is a wreck as we are in the middle of replacing the carpeting with tile and made a huge mess trying to do the first room ourselves. What a mess. Work is hectic. Lots of end of school year stuff for my kids. Hubby is a teacher (Tech Specialis) and his position was eliminated in our county along with Media Specialist and Literacy coaches. Ridiculous. So there was some uncertainty there where he would be next year and in what capacity. They created a three in one job with all the duties of the eliminated positions. He just found out Friday he got that  position for the school he likes (and where our daughter goes). So, that's made for easier breathing, at least. Don't get me started on overworked and underpaid educators. Just don't. 

 

Trying to back into all the paleo ideas I've come to accept as wise. Not going to expect too much of myself for a couple of weeks yet. BUT, for this week I need to begin with a few items cut out that have come back to various degrees. I am so huge and puffy and I feel like crap. Need to recommit myself to healing and learning but last two attempts at a second W30 have failed miserably. 

 

This week and forward:

 

No soy (haven't added back, but haven't been scouring ingredients either)

 

No wheat. Have been eating cereal, bread, waffles, crackers. Bad, bad, bad, munching. Tortilla chips. Love Tortilla Chips.

 

No cheese. I still have organic half and half that has been going in my coffee alternating with coconut milk. That can stay temporarily.

 

No sugar or sweetener in my coffee. Was putting "Nectresse" for a few days and sugar has been creeping back otherwise. That has to stop. Should wean off of coffee altogether as I don't like it black and it's just a creamy warm caffeine delivery system. But for now, no sugar. 

 

I've been back to Coke Zero/Diet Coke. I know, poison. But I have it, it's here, I'm super busy, it's a crutch. In a couple of weeks I can tackle that. I think next week I will nix nuts till I meet some of my other goals (primarily weight loss) since I really overdue the nuts (almonds especially). Food. Without. Brakes. As bad as candy for me. Worse, maybe because my brain says,"it's healthy! There's protein and good fats!" Right. 

 

Have had terrible sleep habits too. Hopefully post deadline (2 weeks) I can make that a priority. If I don't get home till 7 or 8 and I haven't seen the kids or done chores or eaten or anything, it's really hard to promise myself to be in bed by 10 or even 11. Then when I don't do it I have guilt. Need to ease up on the self hate somehow, so starting with small goals. 

 

Just disappointing that I was able to be so good (food-wise, anyway)  Jan 2-Feb 15, was not even really seeing huge returns yet, and just can't find that same resolve again. Summer gets easier for exercise at least, with no afterschool stuff to run to for the kids. Last summer hubby and I did Power 90 (P90x's baby brother). Maybe we can dust that off. After we clear the actual dust from the tiling. 

[Jessica M.]

So... looks like I haven't been here since June 3. I think THAT round of resolve lasted a week. I've been so overloaded and out of whack. Very off track. And that increases the self loathing cycle I am in currently. Have managed to avoid gluten/wheat, but that's about it. Went to see an allergist the other day and was back over 200lbs (202). Ok, maybe 2 of that was jeans and sneakers. BUT STILL. I know what I need to be doing, why can't I stick to it? Ugh.

 

That was just a consultation, am going back for allergy testing Thursday morning, and my son on Friday morning. Hoping to have some direction. Probably the testing will follow my pattern of,"Nope, nothing wrong with you!" and in the meantime I have to not take my Zyrtec-D, so I am congested and headachy and miserable on top of being fat and depressed and bloated and achey. More of the same complaints. 

 

I keep reading, but I am not doing anything to act on this knowledge. Finally bought Practical Paleo which I have been wanting. More of the stuff I already learned from It Starts With Food and Wheat Belly and all the blogs and podcasts I have been absorbing this year. But maybe I will bite the bullet and try one of the 21 day meal plans. Maybe I need strict rules, but not quite as strict as another Whole30 (yet; considering my last two attempts at a second round have failed). There's a sugar regulation meal plan and a fat burning one. And I still haven't been exercising. So many excuses, but I am frigging busy. I have trouble making time for myself, this has been established and shared.

 

Read (yet another blog) something today asking are you an “abstainer†or a “moderator†—— I am definitely an abstainer, or I should be. When I have definite rules and am resolved to not break or bend, I do better. My Whole 45 was great because I stuck to the rules. When I say "I can have a little of that" or "I will allow myself dairy in moderation"... after a tiny window of that working, it steamrolls into a free for all. I just need to retire foods to the NO list for a long time until I have met some goals. I have to accept that moderation does not work for me. I had too many years of bad habits, too many "foods with no brakes."

 

Things that need to go on the "NOT EVEN A BITE" list, because I am a Self-Saboteur :

 

Sugar

Coffee (vehicle for cream and sugar or sweetener)

Nuts

Nut butters (and variations like Nutella)

Dairy

Chocolate (as it needs to be sweetened)

Chips of any kind... none of this,"it's sweet potato chips, sweet potatoes are acceptable carbs"... I can't buy it w/o eating the entire bag

 

I'm sure there are many more, but some are ones I am successfully avoiding (crackers, popcorn, pretzels).

 

No real plan at the moment. Just need to get back here and see what's happening with people and get inspired to get back on the wagon. Maybe this weekend I will get a real list together and do real shopping and real cooking.

[kew]

My only other advice is to read your comments here, and respond to them as if your daughter had written them. You no doubt would give her love, support and understanding. You would encourage her to share all of the WONDERFUL and AMAZING things about herself that are totally unrelated to the number on the scale or the tag on her clothes. I know it is harder to do to yourself than someone else, but practicing kindness to yourself gets easier over time.

 

 

THIS!  I think kb0426 is so right.

 

I was going to say "please don't say 'yuck' about yourself, but she said it much better.  I know that I say vicious hateful things in my head that I would never say out loud about anyone else, and practicing kindness to myself is the only way to get better at it -- I cannot lecture or read myself into being compliant with a self-kindness regime....and lecturing myself and reading are my "go to" modes, still and always.

 

One more thing -- I spent years not smiling in pictures (including many of my wedding pictures!) because I thought my face looked fatter when I smiled.  Now, when I look at the pictures, all I see is my not-smiling face, and I know that's what others see too.  Not the belly, not the thighs, not even the double chin that bothers me so much.  So please, smile at yourself!  You are your only you, and you deserve that beautiful smile!  And in 50 or 60  years, I bet your family will want as many pictures of you smiling as they can find, and they will not care about anything else.

 

 

Also....could you share the URL for that blog you mentioned earlier, about abstainers vs moderators?  I argue with my mom all the time (or so it seems) about her devotion to moderation....

[Jessica M.]

Sure, Kew, it was on the paleo not paleo blog:  http://paleononpaleo.com/abstaining-type/

 

Thanks for your post. I do manage to smile. The podcast I am on recently, one of the viewer comments was that they liked that I smile the whole time and I need to teach the "boys" how to smile. Ha. It's all the internal stuff. I have to learn to practice kindness to myself. 

 

My kids are the best medicine. They love me like crazy. They love the parts of me I hate, physically... my big squishy parts are just snuggle items for them. I have to get the food under control. I think it will physically help me feel more level even before I lose weight or if I don't lose weight right away. And if I stick to it, I reduce the berating myself for not eating well. It's the first step. I need to feel in control of something.

 

Oh, and P.S., my best friend since 9th grade is preparing to get a lap band later this year. Part of me is hugely jealous because it seems like a quick fix and answer to problems. I know it's not. It might be an ok solution for her. I'm quite heavy but she is a lot heavier. And one of the requirements is quitting smoking and seeing doctors regularly, both of which I really want her to do. So I am happy for her and trying to not be jealous and accept that it's not a long term solution for me (and I don't want surgery, and my insurance wouldn't cover it if I did).

[dukunbayi]

Courage!

Here's what I'm learning, if I put one foot in front of the other, even if I wobble and even if I veer waaaaay off the tracks sometimes, I will, over time, have stayed the course. 

I don't feel like this everyday, but today I do, so I'm sending it your way.

[Jessica M.]

Thank you Dukunbayi. I needed that today. 

 

Just watched myself on the podcast I filmed yesterday. I am more huge than when I was 9+ months pregnant. Seriously. I can't even look at myself. And I need to feel better physically and mentally.

 

 

 

Ugh. I know it's one day at a time and all that, that I didn't get fat and wreck my metabolism in a day or a week and I can't fix it quickly. But... I don't know. At least I can complain, right. Haha. (Cue guilt for being self absorbed while many people in the world would take my life in a heartbeat over their own problems.)

[Jessica M.]

Played pin cushion at 7am for a whole lotta NOTHING regarding resolving my constant sinus issues. The allergist suggested maybe a pillow cover would help. And more nasal spray. Thanks. 64 pins on my back and 12 on my arms and I was actually hoping something would make a huge welt so I could have more direction! ENT:You're fine! Allergist:You're fine! WHY do I feel so crappy then?! Argh!!!! Nick goes tomorrow. Wonder what we'll learn from that. My son goes tomorrow. Wonder if we'll learn anything from that. Did get blood drawn for a celiac panel. Expecting nothing from that as well.

[Krista Billows Rodriguez]

the celiac test won't be accurate if you've been avoiding wheat. 

 

I'm definately an abstainer, I suck at moderation. I've proven that to myself over and over again.  I do not have an off switch in my brain.  Back in our early days of frequent parties, happy hours and long work I would drink to the point of making myself sick, I literally did not know when to stop.  I had to tell my husband to help me know when to stop.  Rene knows when he's had too much, I do not-until it's too late.  I come from a long line of alcoholics though so I suspect some of it is genetic.  I have had more hangovers than I care to admit. 

 

Sugar is addictive.  It's a socially acceptable, and industry PUSHED, drug.  It's a really hard habit to break.  I've yet to break it completely.  There are triggers though and I'm getting better at recognizing those.  For me, it's helpful to remind myself that it isn't the destination, i.e. the promised land of ultimate health and wellness, it's the process.  I grow in the process by educating myself.  You are kicking yourself for not putting into action the things you've read-at least you are reading!  That's more than the majority of ill Americans say. 

[Jessica M.]

Thanks, Krista.

 

My son had his testing this morning. Only reaction he has was to the cat allergen. So, we both have frequent sinus problems because...? This route was no help. Hubby has now suggested it is all in my mind or that my body is reacting to some internal stress that's not physical. Could be I guess, but  I know from my reading we can have sensitivities w/o having "allergies" with antibodies and all that. Maybe my sinus stuff is food related or bacterial. I can't just wait for some doctor to figure it out for me, I will need to make myself put all my reading into action. And I need to not count days. I just need to set rules and say "this is how I live now" and if I mess up just pick up and go w/o saying "screw it" for the rest of the day/week/month.

 

I don't think I am capable of moderation. Maybe it's hereditary. But whereas my mom smoked herself into an early grave from that addiction and untreated depression, I need to face my addictions and my depression. My Dad got diabetes in his 50s and knew he couldn't handle the exchanges or the moderation, so he just never ate sugar. Of course in the 80s and such he didn't realize how much bread and other things counted as sugar, but he did know those changed how he felt. Likewise he would smoke cigars for a year or two, then decide he was going to quit and JUST STOP. So, I need to embrace my dad's method... stubborn Italian... and just stick to it. Dad is the one with the good attitude in the family. He's going to be 88 this year and just started seeming "old" a year or two ago. Even so, he's still very much "it is what it is" and "relax, have a glass of wine" about things. I love my Dad. I think  he had more fun post-retirement than I had in all my 20s and 30s. And to this day  he has less grey hair than me. I just need to be like my Dad.  :-)

 

Jan 2 to Feb 15 I was really really good because I was stubborn and determined. Since then I have tried to "do it without being strict" but that has just gotten out of hand and doesn't work. And I went into a "whole 30" and a "whole 21" half heartedly and without preparing and didn't make it more than a week or two. 

 

I need to mention... my husband made PASTA for dinner the other night and I had to roll my eyes. I scooped the nice asparagus off the top and had it w some leftover chicken, but DO YOU LIVE WITH ME, MAN? Do you listen to me AT ALL? Do you read anything I send you? OK I haven't been strict lately but I have not been eating bread, cereal, pasta, either! I slipped back to tortilla chips and cereal a couple of weeks there, but I still haven't had pasta since last year! OUR KIDS could tell you,"Mommy's not eating that right now." I barely leave my desk at work and some people HERE could tell you that. Geez. Yeah, he had just been grocery shopping and it's good he made dinner, but really? It was annoying to me. Our son doesn't eat pasta, it's not like he made one big pot for everyone. Ugh.

 

Now that our son didn't have any real reactions (including the blood gluten/celiac panel) he will be more sure it's in my head. Ugh. I think I did have him somewhat convinced to give up dairy, maybe for the family I back off the dairy and for myself I do much more meal planning and like a few people already suggested in this post, just tend to myself first. 

 

Grumble, grumble, grumble!!!!!!! ;-)

[Jessica M.]

We are still in home improvement hell. I haven't made it to the store. Maybe later I can go. Have to take DD to a birthday party at every parent's nightmare, Chuck E. Cheese. Yay. But now I have to go pull off baseboards and spread floor primer. 

 

Finished my canister of coffee this morning. Not going to buy more for a while. Finishing up my cream too. No more telling myself if it's organic it's ok. Need to get back off dairy, it makes my sinuses worse for sure. I have coffee and cream at work, may have to give those away. 

 

Took the kids to the movies last night as a reward for entertaining themselves while we ripped up carpet and stuff (plus, we wanted to see Monsters University as much as they did). Managed not to have popcorn. I love, love love popcorn, especially at the movies. So, good. Surrounded by bad. But better than bad compounded by bad, eh?

 

Off to my work. 

[Jessica M.]

I've been on a sugar bender the past three days.

Current plan is to make a shopping list and cook and prep this weekend so I can move forward.

Feel and look like crap. 

 

time to reboot.

 

Would be nice to have someone doing it with me. Someone in my house especially. Oh well.

[robotarmy]

Jessica M,

I have just been reading your journal entries here, and I have to say that your raw honesty is refreshing. I don't know that I have much to add to the well-worded and thoughtful responses you've already had, but wanted to voice some encouragement to you. Pick the battles you know you can win, and celebrate each victory. You clearly have the desire within to succeed!

Be well and good luck!

[Jessica M.]

Thank you, Robotarmy.  :-)

[Jessica M.]

Bought a ton of veggies this weekend. Nice piece of salmon and some scallops too. Did not plan a menu or cook though. Managed to get home early on Friday and finish the floor in my room/closet and move the bed back in and all. The house is slightly more normal now so that took down my stress level a lot. Did I mention moving the mattress from room to room has created a huge hump in the center? The pillowtop stuff all pooled to the middle. Oy vey. Need to fix it somehow because it is wrecking my sleep.  Spent all weekend with a headache/neck ache. Miserable. Going to see if the chiropractor can fit me in later today. 

 

Since I haven't planned  properly for anything major, but have been up to no good and increasing my negative self talk because of it... have set some do-able goals for this week:

 

1. Log here to be accountable. Even if nobody reads it that's fine, I still have to admit to it and write it down.

2. No grains. Have been eating cereal and bread and all kinds of junk.

3. No nuts or nut butters. Overeating hell.

4. No chips of any kind, even "oh, it's sweet potato chips, it's finnnnnnnne!"

5. No cheese. Have been having some cheese and it's probably not helping anything.

6. No candy/chocolate. I've been throwing chocolate chips in with blueberries, yogurt, cereal. Terrible. 

7. No more soda. Had gone three months without and have been back to having Coke Zero nearly every day. It's calling to me from the soda machine at work RIGHT NOW because we'd been out and the guy came and refilled the machine today.

8. Breathe. I am not good at breathing. 

 

I'd add sleep to that but tonight I have to come up with two tutorials for that podcast I've been on. Could have done that any time in the past two weeks but I am a super procrastinator. 

 

Bought Paleo Coach for my Kindle app. Had read the sample a few weeks back. Think it's a message I need to hear... "You can't fix a body you hate"... have to convince myself that I am worth the effort and to make my health a priority. Have to keep telling myself that what's comfortable or easy is not always what's kind. Need to make an effort.