Dealing with millions of questions

[micro_mish]

My husband and I did our first Whole30 back in March. It was rough going at first, but we ended up loving it and kept up with paleo eating for a while, really until the first couple of weeks of June with only a few off-roads for me. Since then, our eating habits have been disastrous. We have to get back on the wagon.

 

I need some advice on how to deal with CONSTANT questions and comments from others about my eating habits. Some are well-intentioned--my in-laws will invite us over for dinner and were great about keeping things compliant, but then the entire meal would revolve around talking about our food choices and my history of GI problems (which is quite frankly, humiliating). I work in a food laboratory, so I am constantly surrounded by all kinds of food...mostly highly processed and noncompliant. My coworkers ask me constantly "can you eat this? what about this?". People leave gluten-free foods for me on my desk, because I'm obviously "just gluten intolerant". I always hear "oh, I could never give up bread/booze/chocolate/candy/etc.". I have not managed yet to find a way to cope with the constant scrutiny around my choices without getting really pissy and defensive about it. I end up rebelling against my healthy lifestyle that I chose and eating crap because I get so irritated, which is completely stupid.

 

In my rational mind, I know that these constant inquiries say more about the people they come from rather than me, but other than eating all my meals alone I don't know what else to do. I'm 31 years old and I should be able to put my big girl panties on and just go on with myself, but it's exhausting to have everyone else's issues projected on to my salad...I have PLENTY of my own issues with food to deal with. Thoughts? What's the best way to deflect concern without coming off like a jerk?

 

[missmary]

this is tough. I've found the best thing I can say is: "I feel better when I eat this way" or "I feel better when I don't eat that" and "yeah, I used to ignore how that **insert food or drink I used to eat** made me feel, but I realized I prefer feeling good"

 

I have found that emphasizing that this way of eating works for ME is best. Even if everyone would probaby feel better or be healther eating this way, it's up to them to decide if they want to change anything. SO, if they think eating beans at every meal makes them feel great, yay, good for them. I feel better if I don't. 

[GFChris]

Have you seen the "Dear Melissa" 9 blog posts about this very issue recently?  You might find some helpful nuggets in each:

http://whole9life.com/2013/07/its-not-me-its-you/

 

http://whole9life.com/2013/07/dear-melissa-bread-terrorists-and-cook-a-meal-a-phobia/

[AmyS]

I don't discuss how I eat with other people very much.  I never did, really, so this is no change.  If I worked around food I can see that it might be a daily issue.  Maybe leave a copy of ISWF laying on your desk in the spot where people usually drop the gluten free snacks?     Mainly though, I would suggest saying as little as possible unless someone seems interested in trying a Whole30.  It's not any more their business than their eating habits are yours.  There are so many different diets and eating plans out there these days, why should yours come under more scrutiny than anyone else's, ya know?  Use Katherine Hepburn's mantra: "Don't complain, don't explain." 

[LRM]

I agree with Amy S.  I've never discussed my eating plan unless asked.  Even then, I keep it very simple.   I very nonchalantly say that I'm trying to eat healthy.  I never go into details.    If pressured to drink alcohol or have dessert, etc.  I just say I'm not in the mood for it this day.  If they tell me I need to let go, splurge or live a little, I tell them they are right and I will think about it.   If someone tells me they can never give up chocolate/pasta/wine, etc.  I smile and tell them they don't have to. 

 

If someone brings me a treat or leaves something for me, I will either politely decline saying that I'm not hungry, or I will just quietly accept and put it aside.  Later, I will either give it away or throw it away.  It's a little passive-aggressive, I know, but honestly, I'm in charge of what I want to eat and it's just not up for discussion.  And finally, if someone gets pushy about what I can and can't eat, I tell them I am an adult and I eat whatever I want.  It's no one's business. 

 

Hopefully, after a few days everyone will get bored of your diet and focus on someone else.  Good luck. 

[cayenne]

Yeah, I agree with the others. No one is particularly interested in what I eat and if I go to someones house like I did last weekend, I will just tell them I have allergies.  I have had only 1 person ask how long it took to quit the sugar habit and I have been doing this since April. Stay strong to your convictions!

[jenna@mymissingfactor]

You can also politely decline to engage in the conversation. "I'm really sorry, but my eating habits are a bit complicated and personal for me, and I don't feel comfortable sharing", or at work even go with "I really have to get this report/other task done, can we chat later?", hoping they'll forget?

 

The first one is even true - Whole30 is a bit difficult to explain to other people, and the reasons for it for you (GI issues - totally get that by the way) are a bit embarrassing to talk about. Especially in the workplace - its not really appropriate for everyone else to know about your toilet schedule. And then it puts it back on them. If they insist still, they're clearly being rude, and other people should notice that.

 

And for your PIL - perhaps go armed with some other topics? A new book you've read, a story from work, ask them about any developments and just keep steering them back to anything else. If they keep asking, say you'd prefer not to talk about GI issues while eating. Aside from the embarrassment, its enough to turn anyone's stomach.

[notacommittee]

You can also politely decline to engage in the conversation. "I'm really sorry, but my eating habits are a bit complicated and personal for me, and I don't feel comfortable sharing", or at work even go with "I really have to get this report/other task done, can we chat later?", hoping they'll forget?

 

I'd get even bolder than that, honestly: "My eating habits are personal and I'd rather not discuss them at work." You don't need to apologize for that; it's a perfectly reasonable preference. And some people won't get the message if you hedge around your point with "I'm sorry but," "a little bit," etc. so they'll keep bothering you. Personally I'd rather be firm about it once and for all than be too nice and have to keep fending them off.

[malie]

I feel the same. The toughest thing about my Whole50 has been trying to explain it to other people, especially the ones who regularly cook for me (in-laws). I'm so TIRED of talking about my eating habits, sigh.

[jenna@mymissingfactor]

I'd get even bolder than that, honestly: "My eating habits are personal and I'd rather not discuss them at work." You don't need to apologize for that; it's a perfectly reasonable preference. And some people won't get the message if you hedge around your point with "I'm sorry but," "a little bit," etc. so they'll keep bothering you. Personally I'd rather be firm about it once and for all than be too nice and have to keep fending them off.

 

I'd be firm too, but I'm pretty forthright/blunt to the point people think I'm rude! I'd start with "this works for me and makes me healthy and that's all that I'm concerned with", and then get stronger if I needed to. But from what I read of the OP's post she's a bit different, so I thought I'd word it differently. It can be hard when someone insists and you might not be comfortable for what ever reason to shut them down.

[Bet]

I take a different route. I tell people I was really sick for a long time and now I feel great and they should look into W30.I don't get defensive about it, I tell them this is how I need to eat to be healthy. So people are actually interested, who knows if they have similar issues and don't know what to do about it.

[jillian]

I think Miss Mary and Bet are right on target with how best to respond - this way you don't sound defensive or long-winded. The more you talk, the more questions and opinions they'll have on the matter. You don't have to explain anything more than simply saying "I feel better when I eat this way". If they say they could never give up fill in the blank - just nod your head to acknowledge you heard them, it's how they feel - no use questioning how your colleagues feel. Then change the subject. (Talk about the royal baby - hah!)

 

If someone keeps asking you about it, this may indicate that they are interested in giving it a try. If this is the case, I'd still not explain too much - just simply say, there are lots of great books out there that explain some of the science behind why I'm probably feeling so good eating this way - if you're interested, try reading It Starts with Food. But I wouldn't suggest a book unless someone has explicitly and sincerely stated that they would really like to give it a try and they need more information.

[micro_mish]

Thanks for the advice, everyone!. I really didn't want to talk about my eating habits, but my coworkers noticed a radical change in my eating habits...I was the queen of sandwiches. And bagels. And cheese. (No wonder I needed a Whole30!) Couple that with a couple of office gossips and things got a little weird for a while. People were actually relieved when I went back to my "old ways" for a while but now I'm slowly working back to another Whole30 with paleo eating so hopefully this time around it won't be as noticeable.

 

I don't have a problem being firm and direct, especially as it comes to work-related matters, but I was raised to be, sort of callous when it comes to people's feelings (I'm not explaining this well but I promise I am not nasty or a total sociopath) so I have a hard time recognizing that people that "mean well" when ultimately they bug the crap out of me.  

 

I wish I could change the subject to the royal baby...that brings up a whole other string of inquiries on when I plan on having kids myself. However, I've had much more practice deflecting that line of questioning.

[Colleen Roy]

How about responding to "why do you eat this way?" with "why do you eat the way you do?" Usually shuts them right up! ;-)

[Physibeth]

How about responding to "why do you eat this way?" with "why do you eat the way you do?" Usually shuts them right up! ;-)

 

I love this! I'm going to start using that! Thanks!

[jenna@mymissingfactor]

[quote name="micro_mish" post="125696" timestamp="137467969"

I don't have a problem being firm and direct, especially as it comes to work-related matters, but I was raised to be, sort of callous when it comes to people's feelings (I'm not explaining this well but I promise I am not nasty or a total sociopath) so I have a hard time recognizing that people that "mean well" when ultimately they bug the crap out of me.  

 .

Ha! Me too, I get it! My response, and I've had this a bit because I also have a rare medical condition which people don't understand either, is to initially be polite and honest and answer what they want to know when it's a genuine enquiry, because any education (on.either W9 living or my disorder) is only a good thing for the community at large. Snd theyre usually the ones that mean well. if someone is concerned underneath that youre risking your helath they'll generally want to know more about what your doing, maybe even that youve read the science or obtained advice from a doctor on it. Thats actually the great thing about having been to a Whole9 South Pacific workshop, Anastasia is a doctor so I can say yes, I've had a doctor check this!

If its mindless or defensive pestering, I'll give them 2 or 3 chances at gettin the shut- down response (like "this makes me healthier so I'm sticking with it, I don't really want to say any more"), then I'll get much more terse. "Sorry, am I not being clear? I don't want to talk about this any more, it's personal, and your questioning is upsetting/annoying". Just spell it out. Anyone with half a brain can understand the words and the very swift acceleration. I think if you're usually a firm, clear communicator at work then this is ok, because its just how you behave.

Also, check out this week's dear Melissa. She's dealing with the alcohol problem, but the advice could be applied to any questioning re:whole9 behaviours.

Ultimately, I think you have to draw your own line where you feel comfortable. If for your own mental and emotional Wellbeing, being firmer is what you need to do then do it. Or being a bit softer about it, if that works, go for it.