much needed w30

[LadyM]

I always interpret a craving for sweets when actually hungry as a cue to just eat heartily. Glad you followed up the raisins with a hot dog!

 

The alcohol question is always the thing for me, too. I feel better without it, but figuring out how to be social without making it a thing and without indulging still eludes me. I haven't had a drink this year. I will, however, probably have a Guinness on Patty's day. Though maybe I'll still be antisocial then, too.

 

I feel like my SI is a ticking time bomb, too. I've had far less trouble with it since starting barre and seriously strengthening my core, so that's good. A massage therapist told me it's tight inner thigh muscles that are pulling on my right lower back, so I've been trying to stretch there, but I sometimes forget. 

 

So happy you've stuck with it and that you're seeing improvement in your skin!

[Beets]

Last Friday my husband and I planned to go out for a glass of wine at a new wine bar. In my head I was all set to get a glass of wine, figuring it would be enjoyable despite the fact that I hadn't enjoyed what I had last week. I wanted to enjoy enjoying it, the feeling of "hey! we're having a fun time here! we're relaxing!"

He didn't get home till 9:30 at which point I didn't want to go out. I had to wake up early Saturday to make cookies for the last basketball practice.

I was kind of irritated with the whole situation. I had been really looking forward to having someone else make me a plate of food! We had a bottle of a wine I like and so I drank a small glass of it. I sort of had to force myself to enjoy it but my parents and husband were watching The Killing in the living room and I didn't want to watch it so I sat at the kitchen table with my meditation/Buddhism book on the Kindle at my glass of wine and template dinner. It felt wrong to read about mindfulness while drinking wine but I had made up my mind to drink it. (More on this at some other point. Have many thoughts.)

Next morning I felt dried out, headachy and tired, but still ok. I made the cookies. I went to the party with donuts, pizza, my crispy chocolate butterscotch cookies and consumed only black coffee. Ate template that day but off kilter. Went for a long walk Sunday morning in the park with the dog and drank a lot of coffee before eating a late lunch. I had a fridge full of veggies that I didn't feel like eating. We also stocked up on meat from the pastured meat butcher that I didnt' feel like cooking. I didn't eat Chinese with my family but I also didn't make anything delicious for myself.

So just with a little wine, I started sliding back into bad habits of wanting sugar and coffee to prop myself up because I was too tired and feeling too blah to make nourishing food.

Monday was my son's seventh birthday. We took him out of school and went to the Museum of Natural History. That place is sooo tiring for kids and grown ups alike. Total overstimulation. After seeing a movie in the planetarium with Neil de Grasse Tyson (my kids love him after watching a bunch of the Cosmos series) and two dino rooms we left and went to the Shake Shack. I've never eaten there but people love it. I really wanted a shake. I didn't get my own but ate some of my husband's. It was ok. The fries were ok. The hot dog sans bun was pretty good. Ugh. Dairy. See what happens when I'm off plan and I have an event excuse. (It's my son's birthday! Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day!)

Had more wine Monday night even though I had to wake up early to frost cupcakes for my son's class. I ate some of the cream cheese frosting (butter, cream cheese, sugar). I didn't feel as awful as I expected so I ate a couple more fingers-full and licked every mixer and spatula. I didn't eat a cupcake with my family but I did eat some chocolate.

So, long weekend of not eating evenly spaced template meals, a little bit of wine, a little bit of dairy, a large dose of sugar. I was so tired I didn't meditate. I felt uncentered and wobbly. I didn't exercise.

I was reading about meditation and alcohol. The idea is that it prevents you from being mindful, which makes total sense.

Back to template eating today. Haven't had any swipes of the leftover frosting. Last week I was feeling fit and happy and relatively calm. I was able to go into my son's birthday not having anxiety attacks about my mother calling and stressing about presents and party plates, etc. Now I'm feeling more like a blob and I'm getting stressed about little things.

I'll move over to post w30 but I do want to type up some of my benefits of this whole. I'll start with the physical, though the mental aspects were the most important and helpfu to me.

- I lost 8lbs.

- When I started I couldn't fit into my 28 jeans without a lot of muffin top--like as in I could zip myself into them but not take off my coat. I wore the size 27 jeans I bought in the fall to the museum Monday with no bulging flesh.

- I feel less anxiety and more capable of getting things done, moving forward into spring.

- The meditation piece was the most important outcome of this whole. I will definitely continue. I have many thoughts about this but I am taking it very seriously and am very happy that I started down this path. Being more mindful is helping me in many areas: eating, parenting, friendships, social interactions, and my general level of anxiety. Good things.

- I have mostly moved away from going to bed too late. I am getting an average 7.5-8 hours of sleep versus the 6 or 7 I was getting. I noticed that with the off-roading this weekend I was drinking more coffee later in the day and falling back into old habits of looking at my phone before bed. THis will take some vigilance to protect but it's so worth it.

- I have gotten into the swing of making and eating a lot of leafy greens. Feels good to have another easy, much-enjoyed veggie added to my arsenal.

[Physibeth]

Awesome results from this round Beets! I think the more we live like this the easier it is to see the subtle triggers and connections.

[LadyM]

I was just about to PM you because I've missed you so much!

 

Great results! And your mindfulness is showing in every possible way in your writing, too. It seems you're learning so much from your off roading and that's the whole point!

 

I've just had a revelation about alcohol that I was on my way to writing about in my log. Gonna head on over and do that now, but congrats, Beets! What a terrific Whole30 this has been for you!

[SaraRuns]

Glad you decided to sum it up, even after a bit of a rough weekend.

 

It seems to me you have gotten some tangible, able to be lasting benefits from this W30.  I'll see you on the other side!

[Beets]

I'm back! I'm back in whole logging area because I need some super strict whole time.

I dove too soon into sugar and have been struggling in the deep end. I have been thinking about Lady M saying that alcohol is another form of sugar. I really think it was the foray into wine that led to more sugar, more wine, more coffee, etc.

I haven't been eating template. Instead I've been eating a lot of sugar (have I mentioned the sugar??), and even dairy and this weekend even wheat. My heretofore impressively mild psoriasis is starting to flare up on my torso.

I want that clean spring feeling I've had the last two years.

I was too cocky! I thought I could handle a weekend of off-reading but it was too soon. The weekend of my son's birthday (three weeks ago) has led to three weeks of drinking wine almost every night and relying on sugar for fuel. I feel horrible, crabby and out of control. The new pants I was so excited to buy don't fit. My meditation has been erratic. I let two bunches of greens turn to goo in my crisper.

I need to get back on the wagon so I can let myself more gently into riding own bike territory.

Starting tomorrow I'm whole-ing. I will do at least 10 days. Disclaimer: this is not a real whole because Im not doing 30 days. I'm following all of the rules though and logging here because it helps me stay on track.

I have a weekend visit a friend 4/18 and we will go out to dinner. But I can't wait till after that. I crave calm! I crave freedom from sugar.

[LadyM]

Welcome back! It was the greens turned to goo in the crisper that pushed you over the edge, wasn't it? I've been there. Such a sad moment.

 

Jen and I are doing a Whole 3 this week. That's right. Three days of reining it in and returning to template. It's such a relief, really. Calm and freedom, yes. It's amazing how opening up all the food choices in the world can be so overwhelming and destructive. We're like children who need limits.

 

Anyway, sorry you're feeling rotten, but glad you've returned to the forum for at least a spell. . . . 

[Beets]

Whole 3. Love it.

Mine this time will be a Whole 10. I think after three days I'd be back in the swirling vortex. But that's always a good option to have in the back pocket!

I clearly need to stay on the forum. Like everything else I have very little moderation. I'm either really ON the forum, responding to 30 posts in a day, spending two hours writing my log (I usually write it in a text app on my devices and then condense--yes I leave out many paragraphs. Hard to imagine but true.)

Or I'm off the forum, drinking two glasses of wine for dinner* and eating milk chocolate and potato chips for breakfast.

I clearly need the support and comraderie to keep me on task. One of my friends and neighbors is doing a w30. She lives literally across the apt from me--my kitchen mirrors hers. But I was in binge mode when she started and was hiding a Starburst (!!) in my fist when we ran into each other on the sidewalk and started talking food.

Yesterday I took the kids to the Museum of Natural History--my two and my daughter's friend. I was delusional and thought we would be gone only for three hours. Meals were off kilter timewise and I ate nuts when I was starving but I did NOT drain the rest of a bottle of nice white wine as I really really wanted to do when we finally made it home alive.

* Exaggeration but I have been drinking more wine in the last three weeks than the last few months. My husband spent the weekend in the hospital, more on that later, and my parents were here and I went over the deep end--craving sugar sugar sugar. Just hit me at a really bad time when I was coming off w30.

[Nadia B]

I am very egoistically happy to see you back. You've navigated stressful times before and you will have to in the future. As long as you know what works, you are in a good place. 

[LadyM]

So sorry about hubs and the stress! Starburst in the fist is priceless. Also selfishly glad you're back.

[Beets]

Day 2

Cue up the Game of Thrones music. HBO Now in the house. Sorry. Super psyched. Last year I was like, whyyyyy can't we get HBO a la carte and everyone was like no no that'll never happen bc the cable companies don't want to give up income stream blah blah blah and here we are. (We have no cable tv in our house, only high speed internet and streaming services.)

I don't watch a lot of tv. This is the first time in a very long time I've even turned the thing on when my husband is away. Even when he's home we haven't been watching more than an hour of tv. (LAtely we have been binge watching Orphan Black--was also super psyched to see posters for the new season papered in the subway tunnels yesterday. And that show is way more feminist than GoT.)

Anyway. I had a pretty decent day, barring irritability with the kids late in the day. But we are many rainy days into school vacation so I'm going to be compassionate with myself.

m1: ground pork and braised cabbage (Molly STevens style--forgot what a great recipe that is, made it for EAster and that was the last of it)

m2: ground pork and sauteed cabbage (in dire need of a food shop, as usual)

m3: tuna and cabbage with curried coconut milk

I had a tuna steak in the freezer. I have been really into curry the last couple days and put a little curry on the fish. It tasted amazing. Reminded me of the simple delicious fish curries I had in Fiji (there is a significant south Asian population there). I threw some coconut milk on the sauteed cabbage. It wasn't what I was imagining but I enjoyed it. A real fish curry will be made soon. I have never made a really satisfying w30 curry. I've tried a few recipes but they are always more greasy than creamy or brothy.

Tomorrow I will food shop. I have been craving curry slaw, I was thinking of putting some raisins in with my pork and cabbage. All kinds of ideas. Still haven't scraped clean that crisper. I did make stock today and started some water kefir for the kids. They love it. Gearing up to ferment some shredded ginger carrots this weekend. Feel like I have some forward movement instead of the treading water feeling I had last week.

I also did my Ballet Body and a super fun standing abs workout. Before I fell off the deep end I was obsessively researching butt exercises in an attempt to find an exercise that would lift my booty without giving me giant thighs--or blow out my knees and back. I found a prolifically blogging trainer who is getting his phd in something related to butt exercises. He wrote a couple e-books, as these blogging trainers do. But he seems credible. He's done a lot of EMG testing with various exercises and form and found that the hip thrust to be most effective--and it helps train you muscle-memory wise to have proper form for squats, etc.

Anyway, I have seen a good result and can feel my glutes activating when I do other work (one of the goals of the hip thrust is to train your body to recruit glutes for other work) with some bodyweight work and I think I may add some weights next week. My dinky little hand weights aren't doing it. I need a plate.

My friend in the hood is now working for a kombucha company. It's the same company that makes the awesome on-tap booch I loved in Woodstock. He gave me a growler of Edlerberry booch and showed me his "kombucha fountain," which is basically a kegerator with taps. Walked home from dropping my kids off for a playdate with a growler of pink booch in the stroller. It's yummy, but I do agree that the sugar in it could be problematic.

[pjena]

Add me to the selfishly glad you're back list.   It sounds like you're on the right track.  Is your husband ok?

[LadyM]

I dreamed about making curry last night--before I read this. Now you've got me thinking it's time to play with that flavor palate again, too. Curry slaw with carrots and a few raisins sounds divine. I made mayo again for the first time in months for green goddess dressing last week and thought of you. Those bright zesty flavors to cut through the rainy gloom of April seem right.

 

A PhD in butt exercises made me lol. Love it. That's what I should have done mine in. Much more lucrative I'm sure. The pelvic tilts series in barre is my absolute favorite and I agree that those movements help the glutes fire during other activities. I've been noticing it even when I walk, and that makes me very happy. 

 

Kombucha is addicting for me. But a champagne glass full of it at the end of a day is certainly a lovely thing to look forward to! That's how I isolate it on my best days rather than having it as a sweet treat throughout the day. Love the pink growler in the stroller, prohibition style.

 

Now I must run off to find out how to get HBO Now. I have the same tv habits and capabilities as you. . . . 

[Beets]

I should not have been gone for so many days.

 

I did great last week. I did have three whole days of whole-ing, template style. My pants were fitting and I was feeling less beholden to the ups and downs of caffeine and sugar.

 

This weekend we got some long-awaited tax news. We had something a little different from our usual tax situation and not being tax experts we weren't sure if we were going to break even, owe or--as we both secretly hoped--get a little back. It wasn't good news but it wasn't terrible news. I felt like celebrating.

 

Since my brain is firmly not in whole land but in old habit land, I decided I would eat a small amount of good dark chocolate thinking, ok, I'll start right back up Sunday full force and have six straight good days. Sunday I had a glass of white wine, thinking, ok, I'll start right back up Monday full force and have five straight good days. And so on.

 

Now here I am, Wednesday evening, my belly hurts after I ate granola. I'm falling into the "I ate X so I may as well eat Y since I'm not on track anyway" pit of despair. 

 

NO. 

 

I will not fall into that pit. 

 

I am going to have a template dinner and tomorrow am I will eat template. I am not calling for any days, not putting a number on it. Just tomorrow am.

 

Issues: I'm not regularly meditating, I have very little prepared or prepped food options. 

 

I'm making excuses: my daughter's coop is here, it's spring, it's nice out, it was school vacation, school vacation ended. Yadda, yadda. I did my whole in Feb with the coop here and I managed fine. I also managed to meditate before school and still do the mad dash vacuum. 

 

Clearly, as I have been thinking for awhile, I need new coping strategies--for stress, for celebrating. I read something the other day about long term AIP eating and how it's not the taste of the food or even the prep, but the emotional issues that can be the hardest. Seems obvious to say that but even though I have had glimmers of what it feels like to rely on myself and not food to deal with feelings I obviously still have a lot of work in that department.

[Beets]

Also, I am so acutely missing the feeling I've had the last two Aprils: clean and calm. 

 

Oh and I started responding, Jen, about my husband. He has gastritis. But we only figured that out after a long weekend in the hospital when he had to be given dilaudid for the pain. (Morphine wasn't cutting it.) It was scary because he has other health issues and we didn't know at first if it was related or not. Like, one of the first possibilities was a heart issue related to his auto-immune disease. 

 

He is ok and quit drinking coffee and has cut back on a lot of other junk. But still I can't convince him to go whole hog (no pun intended) and change his diet, get enough sleep and start exercising or doing something to mitigate effects of stress.

[SaraRuns]

So stressful to have a sick husband, even worse when he already has health issues and is in the hospital!!!  After a rough night of my husband pretty much choking all night (something weird with his esophagus? and drinking beer), I spent a 6 mile run being sure I was going to return home to a dead husband, not pleasant.  He is finally doing some treks in a local nature preserve and has slightly cut back his alcohol consumption, which both make me happy.

 

So anyway, back to you, glad to see you posting (why do I always miss you!), sorry that you fell off, but very happy to see you climbing back on.  Not waiting is definitely the way to go, if I tell myself I'm giving something up tomorrow, sure as sh!t I'll get into it tonight.  Hope you started the day with a good template breakfast.

 

I am encouraging you to have a second half of April clean and calm.  I want that for you!

 

And yay for good news on the tax front!  This was my second tax season not preparing taxes and I enjoyed the heck out of it.

[pjena]

That does sound scary!  I'm glad he's starting to make some changes and hope that over time, he'll go "whole hog"

 

Aim for clean and calm.  One decision at a time.  You can do it - you've done it before!

[LadyM]

You've made me think of Lorca's duende--and the notion that the obstacle is the path. It's the mystery. Any you're living it valiantly, friend.