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wait, how did I not know that smallness is the most prized characteristic? (I am the shortest grown-up I know, this could be good :ph34r: ...alas I am not tiny. :( )

Tell you what: you achieve supple hip flexors and I will put you on a very high pedestal. Heck I'm already impressed by lots of things I know about you (your taste in favorite colors, for example, is spot on). Sorry you had a cruddy body image day, but know you are much much more than whatever aspect of your image is getting you down at the moment. You deserve to be healthy and feel good. seriously.

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Dug this out for you Moluv, and for myself!

"You are not your bra-size, nor are you the width of your waist, nor are you the slenderness of your calves. You are not your hair color, your skin color, nor are you a shade of lipstick. Your shoe-size is of no consequence. You are not defined by the amount of attention you get from males or females. You are not the number of sit-ups you can do nor are you the number of calories in a day.

You are the content of your character. You are the ambitions that drive you. You are the goals that you set. You are the things that you laugh at and the words that you say. You are the thoughts you think and the things you wonder. You are beautiful and desirable not for the clique you attend, but for the spark of life within you that compels you to make your life a full and meaningful one. You are beautiful, not for the shape of the vessel, but for the soul it carries."

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Dug this out for you Moluv, and for myself!

"You are not your bra-size, nor are you the width of your waist, nor are you the slenderness of your calves. You are not your hair color, your skin color, nor are you a shade of lipstick. Your shoe-size is of no consequence. You are not defined by the amount of attention you get from males or females. You are not the number of sit-ups you can do nor are you the number of calories in a day.

You are the content of your character. You are the ambitions that drive you. You are the goals that you set. You are the things that you laugh at and the words that you say. You are the thoughts you think and the things you wonder. You are beautiful and desirable not for the clique you attend, but for the spark of life within you that compels you to make your life a full and meaningful one. You are beautiful, not for the shape of the vessel, but for the soul it carries."

"Nor are you the suppleness of your hip flexors"

Duly noted.

Thanks everyone for the kind words of encouragement- it was a lovely way to start the day. I'm SO glad I ordered my Patagonia stuff a size up so I hopefully won't get another package of body hate in the mail today. And really, if I spent as much energy trying to improve my character as I do my waistline I'd be at least a 20% better human being.

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Oh dear Moluv, how many posts of my post log (answer is way too many) were dedicated to these "why" and "when" and "how come". Trust me, going to ballet school at least twice a weak was is causing very similar "yoga magazine" reaction. But what do we know about these skinny models or ballerinas? What their lean figure tells us about their health and happiness? Nothing really. They might starve to death in order to have their job and pay the bills. They might wreck their joints in order to keep up with the art's standard. We don't know. But we know lots about ourselves.

Be proud of every tiny step you make towards a better self. Celebrate it. I am writing to you, but really I should get it myself as well.

+ everything all the amazing words MM and D have said.

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Nadia- taking ballet classes is my DREAM. My parents were too cheap and busy with their own projects to take me as a child and as an adult I can't seem to ever be ready to wear a leotard. I know I'll never be a great dancer- and that's not the point. I love the discipline and the work and I can be good at the bar I just know it. With a strong yoga background I can appreciate the value of gaining a centimeter of turnout. I see myself in my mind as strong and capable but the reflection in the mirror often supersedes that and the lumps and bumps that movement in a leotard would show is enough to stop me from taking classes. How f-ed up is that. I am working really hard on wrecking this false notion of self worth based on size down to the ground. Everything you've said helps that process. Thank you and I hope to be your wrecking ball too. Those ideas we live with are wrong and harmful and all too pervasive. Why must we fight so hard against our own society?

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Yes, ballet is my non-food drug. I did ballet when I was 5-7. I became a heavy kid after 11 and could not dream of dancing ever again. I've started dancing salsa/bachata/cha-cha-cha here in Canada while I was still technically overweight. I though it's for "hot chicks" only. The most amazing dancers I've seen around have far from "magazine ideal" figure. Good part of them are carrying a lot of extra lb. It's breathtaking to watch them. They are beautiful, graceful and sexy. Then I gathered my courage and enrolled for ballet school. We have a lady who is 65 years old in our class. We have a dude with a pot belly. We have all sorts of shapes and faces in the class. Posture and the way we carry ourselves what makes us feel we belong there. Yes, most of the girls in the group are classically skinny. Yes, the walls of the school are full of pictures and the corridors are full of professional dancers. I know that all insecurities are all in my head. It's my happy place and my sweet escape. You don't have to wear leotard, just saying. Maybe you should try it? Someday?

2BEFD500-A2EF-48A4-81AC-9C5EF3CFB1A2-6332-0000093FBAFFC54E_zpsabf80a70.jpg

Now go to the step 2. Whatcha singing, mm?

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Day Whatever:

Meal 1: few bites ground beef in ghee

Meal 2: banana

Meal 3: cocoa, dates, cocoa butter (swypo truffles, er)

Meal 4: spaghetti squash, chicken, fish sauce, ginger, coconut aminos, carrot cake larabar (errrr)

2 BM today but also just having a pig out day. I think this is kind of a day 1as everything is technically compliant, but as far as the template goes, this is way sloppy and the truffles are questionable altogether. Obviously nuts are out for aip and I seem to be rebelling and trying to eat everything that the AIP takes out before I officially start. It's not even stuff I like that much. Larabars, really?

I also drank a boatload of kombucha and coconut water today. I think tomorrow will be official Day 1 of AIP- I'm seriously having to get psyched up for it.

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Come join me Moluv, I started today counting down 90 meals / 30 days... Going to make sure each meal and each day is healthy for me without out too much of my inflammatory foods, no snacks, just three meals and some exercise and good sleep.

I like the idea of counting meals rather than days as then I can assess every meal but in a positive way.... and when I struggle I just have to focus on the next meal, and when I want to cave in I just have to wait until the next meal etc. I hope that works for you too???? My link to my food log is in my signature

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Nadia- I think I will be ready to start ballet and art classes in the fall. And I do love the strength and flexibility my body affords me- sometimes it's just ill fitting clothes that betray me. I think the key to feeling confident in a leotard is no panty/bra/tights lines. I looked at a full body Spanx tights online and may invest in something like that as well as try on lots of bra/ leotard combinations and just invest in the best quality I can afford. That works for yoga. The toe shoes really got me going :) one of my clients is a dancer and she says it IS possible for an adult to make it to pointe. That has to be me. Has to. I will do it.

The other part of body confidence for me though is in fact, irritant free eating- which brings me to Juzbo's idea for 90 meals. I deserve to feel as good as eating irritant free feels. I know because I have felt it. Then I made choices that took that feeling away and it was me alone who made each of those choices- starting a week ago today when I had the whiskey. Oddly, even though I removed myself from "the plan" my meals have remained almost 100% AIP, I've just been ADDING little extra bits. And those little bits haven't sent me into a tailspin of our of control binging or anything so dramatic, but they have stolen my energy, my calm, my joy, my Joi de Vive so to speak. I just feel somewhat...devitalized. It's not horrible but I'm not soaring on eagle wings like I was a couple weeks ago. I LOVE THAT FEELING. And I have to get it back. Ill do 30 days with you Juzbo. But after that, I think no more W30 for a while- and this is why. Knowing I needed to "restart" has made me feel more frantic about eating things I won't be able to. I forgot to add to my foodlog yesterday a grassfed hotdog with mustard-it was mustard seed I wanted so bad lol. I'm pretty sure now that I can live a month wo mustard. I do think seed spices will be my first re-intro, followed by nightshades. Those are the things I most hope to add back.

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and

I LOVE to dance. Life is short. Do not let this culture's absolutely hideous, unhealthy media images stop you from your joy. DANCE!

Nadia- taking ballet classes is my DREAM. My parents were too cheap and busy with their own projects to take me as a child and as an adult I can't seem to ever be ready to wear a leotard. I know I'll never be a great dancer- and that's not the point. I love the discipline and the work and I can be good at the bar I just know it. With a strong yoga background I can appreciate the value of gaining a centimeter of turnout. I see myself in my mind as strong and capable but the reflection in the mirror often supersedes that and the lumps and bumps that movement in a leotard would show is enough to stop me from taking classes. How f-ed up is that. I am working really hard on wrecking this false notion of self worth based on size down to the ground. Everything you've said helps that process. Thank you and I hope to be your wrecking ball too. Those ideas we live with are wrong and harmful and all too pervasive. Why must we fight so hard against our own society?

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Good girl, glad to read about your decision to give it another thought. You are right about outfits too, there are little pretty things to make a lot of visual difference. You will find something that will make you feel confident to COME to the class. Once you start it's you and music and the bar. They don't care about the size or other nonsense.

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Good girl, glad to read about your decision to give it another thought. You are right about outfits too, there are little pretty things to make a lot of visual difference. You will find something that will make you feel confident to COME to the class. Once you start it's you and music and the bar. They don't care about the size or other nonsense.

I'm really glad I came out with this insecurity and got some other viewpoints on it. As long as I believe in the "thin dancer" stereotype I am part of the problem. I looked online and my community college hasn't posted their summer schedule, but if they offer adult beginner ballet this summer, I will be signing up. If not this summer, definitely in the fall. It also occurred to me today that part of why I'm not working on my art as much as I desire is body image related as well. See, when I was my most prolific as an artist I was 24, strung out, anorexic, and adhd. I was my thinnest then because I never ate. In fact, I lived in my studio and had a queen size bed in what should have been the kitchen and a mini fridge and hotplate in what should have been a closet so I'd have more room to paint. I had razorblade hipbones that would barely keep my paint splattered jeans up and I LOVED IT. I often had a studio full of very young guys watching me paint and I fed off the attention. At the time I was convinced it was my newfound thinness that had all these talented young artists and musicians hanging on my every word, but now that I think about it, it may have been my talent they were magnetized to. And in reality, I probably wasn't even really that much smaller. And I was weak and would get out of breath on a bike ride. That was almost 10 years and 2 kids ago, and I have much better artistic concepts at this time than I did then, but when I am hunched over in my office/studio I get so distracted by what I perceive to be too much flesh. I always think that if I can just lose x amount of weight I will finally be able to work on my art as much as I need to. And it's always just around the corner, the next big thing. Whole30 was that for me in the beginning too. Then it dawned on me: I'm already the size I'm going to be, because I'm a healthy weight. I'm of childbearing age, this fat ain't going anywhere unless I enter into a lengthy period of undernourishment, which sounds like a terrible idea. Sure, I look way better when I'm not bloated from eating nuts and drinking coffee. And if I eat the AIP or even just mostly W30 way, I get less puffy all over and all those muscles I developed in yoga and by biking to work all those days kind of start to pop and I look pretty damn good. So enough already Michele, there is nothing over the rainbow for you because you already live on the rainbow every damn day.

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Day 1 Dammit, let's do this thing:

Meal 1: broiled chicken with herbs, sliced avocado, footlong green beans drizzled with avocado oil and broiled, small organic mango with a sprinkle of coconut flakes (see photo on instagram), pu-erh tea with coconut milk

Meal 2: standing up at the cutting board, better things to do than sit and eat. cold sliced chicken, cold canned squash as a dip

Meal 3: SWYPO date/cocoa truffles (shhhh don't tell, I'm not restarting AGAIN, this is just the way it is today)

Meal 4: Lamb meatloaf with coconut flour, egg yolk and dried onions hubba hubba it was good, roasted sweet potato

drinks: tropical yerba mate at the coffee shop where I used to drink a LOT of coffee, day time date with my husband, it was fun, he had mate too but admired the beer selection for a good long while, an extra cup of pu-erh with coconut in the afternoon, and that, coupled with the truffles has my heart racing and a little on edge. I took my melatonin an hour ago and my eyes are wired on the computer and sleep seems very far off. I'm going to just lay down in bed and wait for sleep to come even though I could stay up for many more hours doing a bunch of stuff that is way less critical than sleeping. Maybe I'll listen to music on my ipod while I wait for the sandman to show up.

2 bm today, digestion is pretty good, could be a little better

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http://www.thepaleomom.com/2012/10/gluten-cross-reactivity-how-your-body-can-still-think-youre-eating-gluten-even-after-giving-it-up.html

This morning I had an acute onslaught of sinus/allergy/fatigue after taking ONE SIP of "monkey milk" I made for my kids (coconut milk blended with banana, dates, cocoa- SWYPO I know but they are post-w-30 and I've been struggling to start AIP again). Now I've had cocoa for several days straight. The first day or two it was euphoric but has devolved to a definite negative reaction. It won't be hard for me to avoid now after the way I felt this morning. In my looking for answers I came across this ^ article about gluten cross-reactivity and am going to follow the advice for the remainder of this 30 days. That means I am excluding krauts and kombuchas as well. That's going to be tough but I am very curious about the effects of yeast. Donna Gates from body ecology wrote about yeast and candida a while back but I'm not having candida symptoms so I dismissed it. But cross-reactivity is something that is a valid concern and I want to test it. That being said, I am not about to white knuckle through with nothing but water- so ill be stocking up on my old friend Coconut Water and drinking it guilt free. I think I'll make some iced herbal teas for the fridge too. Wish me luck- I swear the pursuit of optimal health feels like riding a bucking bronco- the time spent in control of that wild beast are short lives but the highest high.

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Day 2:

Meal 1: green beans, spinach and some other veggies I can't remember now sauteed with chopped prosciutto and lamb drippings and a slice of cold leftover meatloaf, a sip of the dreadful "monkey milk" (as mentioned above) which set off a daylong cascade of negative reactions :wacko: , as well as further research and dedication, so thank you Monkey Milk.

Meal 2: Cold meatloaf and a small avocado, standing up at the cutting board- too lethargic to even make a plate

Meal 3: Wild Planet tuna in olive oil with coconut aminos (right out of the can, lame, but still soooo tired) a banana

Meal 4: Beef and lamb AIP safe "curry" (cinnamon, ginger, turmeric, garlic) with zucchini and coconut milk served over acorn squash, raw beet salad (shredded beets, lettuce, cilantro, green oinions, apple cider vinegar and avocado oil dressing), 1/2 date roll

drinks: Pu-Erh Tea with coconut milk, sparkling water with a splash of tart black cherry juice, coconut water, water

2 BM today, still not ideal, but pretty good

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Just realized the meatloaf I ate for several meals straight had egg yolks in it and that, coupled with the chocolate is probably what caused such a strong and lengthy reaction (I am extremely fatigued today as well with an ongoing low grade headache). I had sort of (willfully?) forgotten that cocoa is a gluten cross reactor. I didn't react to it immediately, but I'm pretty sure that egg yolk did create a big problem- damn you leaky gut!

P.S. I love the Paleo Mom website, so sciency.

http://www.thepaleomom.com/2012/03/what-is-leaky-gut-and-how-can-it-cause.html

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