The Seduction of LadyM, or, my Whole30+

[LadyM]

All of the yoga and walking you're doing sound very healing, focused, and intentional - I think you're doing great work in that department. Your body will surely thank you for being so kind to it.

Thank you, Amy. It feels that way, and I trust that my body will tell me when it's time to do something more or different. That's a new thing, and it's pretty cool.

Thanks also for the heads up about D&W. Avocados 10 for $10, grassfed organic NY strip, wild caught cod, and a dozen white roses are all now mine! I love shopping there but so rarely do because of the cost. It was great to score some great deals!

[LadyM]

Day 29

Big day. Feeling pretty fantastic and so grateful!

Started the day after 9 hours of solid sleep. Skipped yoga in favor of pranayama and breakfast before my massage at 8 a.m. My massage therapist is one of my best friends and he's been really concerned about my being sick for so long. He gave me special treatment in lots of ways and it felt extra healing. I walked to the appointment and ran some errands afterward. Got some prep work and grading done for class tomorrow, and then at 4:30 decided I really needed to move. So, I finally went for my bike ride!! My first of the season. It felt so great to ride again and to be out in nature. It made me feel so alive.

M1 7 ground beef/veg hash/spagsquash/spinach cook up with avocado and kraut

M2 12:30 lamb liver, bacon, onions over romaine with caper parsley dressing/sauce

M3 7 prosciutto and pesto wrapped cod en papillote with green beans and japanese yam

I felt especially good about breakfast because I ate it mindfully and stopped when satisfied rather than finishing what was on my plate. I ended up eating just a little more than half of what I prepared. It really makes me stop and think how easily and frequently I've overeaten. And what a terrible practice all these years of weighing and measuring rather than tuning in to my hunger has been. Of course, I had to cut out the sugars and other crazy stuff before I could begin to trust my hunger cues again. Anyway, this is huge.

As was my bike ride. Bike riding is one of those things that makes me relive the joys of being a kid. There was a lot that wasn't joyful about my childhood, but reclaiming something that fills my lungs and my spirit is wonderful. I'm also considering heading to the gym tomorrow morning. I'm getting the itch to move again and get back into my routine. HOORAY!!!

Also, lamb liver is a revelation. Delicious. And I think eating liver gives me extra energy. I'll take it, yo.

[Beets]

You sound wonderful! Bravo on the breakfast. I still tend to eat what's on my plate. I definitely didn't master the whole taking time to savor food part. Sounds like you really did. That's fantastic.

I agree about bike riding. It does feel so free and fun. You are inspiring me to fill up my tires. And I am quite envious of your massage. Sounds perfect. In fact your whole day sounds glorious. What a great way to spend Day 29--or any day!

[LadyM]

I agree about bike riding. It does feel so free and fun. You are inspiring me to fill up my tires.

Do it, do it! Riding bikes is so fun!

And wouldn't it be wonderful if the W30 experience is ultimately about rekindling joy?

[kb0426]

THAT'S the feeling I got when reading your day 29! JOY!

So many times we are woeful about what we can't have, or the progress we feel like we haven't made. You found JOY and PASSION in this process, and that is what ultimately will be the reason you succeed - in whatever definition of success is to you.

Bravo Lady M!

[rowergirl]

I really enjoy reading all of your introspection and insights. Definitely makes me hopeful for what my whole30 will bring.

[Moluv]

Do it, do it! Riding bikes is so fun!

And wouldn't it be wonderful if the W30 experience is ultimately about rekindling joy?

1. Bike riding is joyous. So carefree of a feeling. I love it too!

2. My W30 (and postw30) experience could be most simply and accurately described as reconnecting with a deeper source of joy. That doesn't mean I'm walking around happy 100% of the time, no, that's just unrealistic. But being well nourished and un-poisoned has lifted a veil and a weight that has allowed me to see and follow new avenues of joy. After reaching these kinds I highs I would never be able to turn my back on it by junking up my diet consistently. That's why it's easy now to make good choices. That's really the magic of w30.

[LadyM]

Day 30

Well, here we are. I just finished my last meal of the day in my office. I teach my second class for the day in 45 minutes.

Today I tried on various spring/summer clothes from last year and they're too tight. This bums me out tremendously, and honestly, it makes me question the W30 as a weight loss tool for me. I am questioning whether or not I should keep going to see if it does, indeed, impact my weight in the right direction. Yes, I've had many positive effects, but I haven't shrunk at all, and I may have actually expanded, especially in my belly it seems. Ironic, right?

I see my functional medicine doc tomorrow and I'll see what she has to say about the diet and my blood sugar.

Maybe I just need to properly workout again. Should I give it another 30 days with deliberate exercise, including weight lifting?

My other thought is to return to the primarily paleo diet I was doing before with the addition of protein shakes. Stay off dairy, gluten, eggs, sugar, corn, soy, alcohol. I leaned out doing that. I'm just kind of at a loss. Not sure how long I want to keep doing something that's not getting me into my clothes. (I'm fitting into my 10s but not my 8s. Last summer my 8s were hanging off me and I was starting to buy size 6. I want to be back there.)

M1 8 yesterday's leftovers, a few slices of cured beef (good stuff, Nadia, but super salty!), cm tea

M2 11:45 same as yesterday, cm tea

M3 4:30 chicken pate, chicken breast, caper sauce, braised cabbage

I am in a better place mentally and physically than when I began, but is that simply because I'm not sick anymore and it's finally spring?

Thoughts?

[Nadia B]

What a contrast with the previous post. Well, first of all congrats, you've done a lot of work. What are you doing/eating so differently compared to the 8 times? I mean protein shakes can't be the reason of a weight loss.

I have a theory with no science to back it up, but this what happened to me. I thought that damaged gut doesn't absorb nutrients from all the food intake. As the healing goes the process of absorbtion is improving as well. We are used to a higher volume of food because of malabsorbtion (I had big troubles with portions) but now our body is taking it all. Again in my case eventually I started to use a smaller plate, get full signal faster and I guess eating amount my body needed. By no means it happened in 30 days unfortunately. You can check Practical Paleo weight loss tips (meal plan as well), but be cautious. Stress and deprivation are the top things that hold our body from releasing extra weight. I wish you luck in figuring it all out without compromising the benefits of whole30 or your peace of mind. Take a little break if you need too. You can always come back to wholewhatever. Be good to yourself.

Hugs from Canada!

[Beets]

I hate to read you stressing out about weight instead of celebrating your bike ride and your wonderful self-discoveries.

I lost some weight but I feel like I earned a C in so many other areas in which you saw real progress. I also was about 25lbs (or should I say two sizes?) over my pre-pregnancy weight. I started out busting out of my big 10s and ended fitting into a pair of small 10s. I definitely want to be smaller and will push through and tweak as necessary.

Also: I think the belly looks worse before it looks better. Are you sure it's bigger? Did you measure? When some parts start to tighten the non-tightened parts look bigger, IME.

I am surprised to see you mention protein shakes. Last, I felt down on my Day 30 too. You have to come to terms with the fact that the W30 didn't fix everything and now you're hanging in the breeze. But go back and read your last few posts! I think it's more than nice weather.

[missmary]

I tried to reply a couple times today but kept getting interupted by my boss (silly WORK!)--Nadia and Beets already covered a lot of what I would say but I also wanted to share my weight-loss data with you, maybe worth thinking about: 1st Month on Whole30=lost 1lb; 2nd month, -5; 3rd month, -2; 4th month no change; 5th month +1; 6th month -2; 7th month -8; 8th month -5; are you seeing the trend here? This is my regular life now, and most months after month 1 have had at least a little bit of off plan food/drink (very occasional), but slowly but surely my body is getting healthier and so is my weight. Give yourself time and enjoy how good it feels to eat this way.

EDIT: Oh and a big congratulations too!! Happy day 30. you did great!

[kb0426]

IMO you are not going to feel the magic for a while yet. You saw a glimmer of it yesterday. Your body has been through so much this last 30 days. You were so sick. You were on antibiotics. You did not have great quality or quantity of sleep.

Whether you keep going onto a whole60 or whether you take a break and then come back is up to you. Hey, I TOTALLY get wanting to fit into smaller clothes. What I get more is that my healthy insides now match the rest of me. You can be a really unhealthy size 6 or you can be a really healthy size 8. The freaking number doesn't matter if you don't have the JOY and PASSION like you had yesterday!

Protein shakes are not going to give you JOY and PASSION!

Lecture over . Just know that there are a LOT of people here to support you with whatever decision you make!

[LadyM]

Thank you all so much. I don't mean to be a downer, but it just kind of hit me hard today. Thanks for affirming that with your own experience on Day 30, Beets. I realized that today I feel like I did when I finished my first marathon. I didn't feel the achievement; I felt like hell. And I realized I was trying to achieve something that running 26.2 miles couldn't do: to feel lovable. Crazy, I know. But that's what it was. I don't think I've done the Whole30 for the same reason, but I do think my expectations have been seriously out of whack. I would certainly be screaming from the rooftops if I lost 10-15 pounds and my clothes were hanging off me, like so many success stories I've read, but that wasn't in the cards for this body.

Nadia, it did occur to me that perhaps healing my gut and absorbing food is what's going on. I thought about people with Celiac who quit gluten and gain weight. I've been gluten free for nearly a year, but who knows what else has been a problem for me that I've quit over the past month. I do feel like I'm not out-of-control with my eating and that portions have been in keeping with the template, perhaps getting smaller as the month has gone on. Maybe it is just more time. I am not a patient woman, though I have chilled a lot in the past month.

MM, your data helps me tremendously. Thank you! Yes, I need to focus on how good it feels to eat this way. I certainly don't want to return to a disordered way of eating. I think I will stick with it for another 30 days, anyway, and return to working out more seriously. I've been so sick this whole month, who knows what another 30 days without illness could do for me.

A funny realization: there is no off-road food that interests me. I could honestly give a shit about food right now. The only thing that concerns me about staying Whole30 throughout the summer is not drinking alcohol at all. Maybe I can give myself permission to have a vodka soda by the pool now and again. It's the social part of it that I miss. Though I have zero interest in overdoing it.

And yes, KB, joy and passion are what I'm after! Unfortunately, they're more tied to fitting into the smallest clothes in my closet than I'd like.

I've also had a niggling thought over the past couple of weeks: maybe it's not a bad thing that this hasn't been the dream come true, the weight loss magic bullet, I'd hoped for. I will become healthier and stronger the longer I do it, and I'm more likely to stick with it for longer if the results are slower. I have a love/hate relationship with this niggling thought.

[Moluv]

"And yes, KB, joy and passion are what I'm after! Unfortunately, they're more tied to fitting into the smallest clothes in my closet than I'd like. "

Did you copy that line from my innermost thoughts somehow??? This idea that a thinner you would be somehow more loveable is totally wrong, but you're not wrong for believing it. Not when you are bombarded by this notion hundreds, nay, thousands of times a day in all manner of media. It is so ingrained in our collective consciousness that thinner is always better that it takes constant work to just break even in the self acceptance department, let alone move into full on confidence as a natural state of being.

Just imagine if someone replaced all of your size 6 summer clothes with identical size 10's, cut the tags out and replaced them with size 6 tags without your knowing. How would you have felt today when those clothes fit? Elated? Overjoyed? Confident? Loveable? Would your post today have had a different tone? I'm thinking possibly yes. And while there is nothing wrong with wanting to be slimmer (I do) there is also nothing wrong with being happy with where you are. There is nothing wrong with a size 10. I'm a size 8-10. For years I have allowed the fact that I am not a size 4 anymore stop me from persuing one of my wildest dreams (if anyone reads my log, I won't say it, but it starts with a "B"). I literally refused to pursue the dream because I couldn't accept my size. Now let me tell you, when I walked out of the dancewear store with a size L leotard and a size L tights, it was one of the most profoundly joyfilled moments of MY ENTIRE LIFE. I mean right up there with getting married and birthing children. I wasn't so happy because I had a piddly ole leotard, no I was so happy because I HAD FINALLY STEPPED OUT OF THE WAY OF MY OWN HAPPINESS.

When I started W30 I thought it would get me back to that size 4. Not by a long shot, besides not being bloated I look exactly the same. But what it did do was allow me a kind of happy calm clear confidence in the knowledge that I was well nourished, and that I deserved every morsel of food I was eating. I know that my gut has suffered so much damage and that the healing path I am on is lifelong, not 30 days.

I haven't read your whole log, so I know I don't know the Whole story, but you are so sweet and you deserve to feel good in your body all the time.

[pjena]

I love what Nadia, Mary, KB, Beets and Mulov have to say! Good lessons for us all. I can't wait to see what the next 30 (or 60 or whatever) days brings for you!

[LadyM]

Update

My functional medicine doc was very helpful and after the appointment I'm recommitted to sticking with this lifestyle.

Because I've had much more experience with understanding the psyche than the body (strangely enough), I have to translate what she says in those kind of terms. Basically she reaffirmed that I'm "deep" in that my body hides stuff and keeps it hidden as a protective mechanism. We're working to support it and make it comfortable enough to bring forth the stuff that's hidden and causing damage. She says my body is in flux and there's a lot of movement and change deep inside. It needs the right work, some coaxing, patience, and time. I'm starting to think of it as The Seduction of LadyM.

As kooky as that may sound, it makes sense to me that the body's tissues might function in the same way the psyche does. And I've been through this process (and continue to go through the process) of unearthing, processing, shedding, releasing psychologically; so, I can envision doing it physically, too. I think Whole30 is part of the support. My job is to stay the course and step "OUT OF THE WAY OF MY OWN HAPPINESS" as Moluv astutely put it. And not to get all woowoo spiritual on y'all, but I also think of it as getting out of God's way, in a sense. (By the way, God, to me, looks more like a great big glittery drag queen than an old white bearded dude. Sometimes, though, God looks like the playful curly-haired little girl I was before trauma shoved her into a deep dark corner.)

Actually, that image helps me. In going with the bike riding joyfulness, I'm going to think of the next phase of the WholeWhatevs (and 30-day increments seems to work pretty well) as a mission to help guide that little girl into the sunshine, so she can come out and play again, safely and fearlessly. She likes to ride bikes. She likes nourishing food--not too much, not too little--eaten in a spirit of calm. She loves to dance and she loves to rest. She also loves to write, but I've kept her out of my writing process. I've decided to give her the reins this summer.

I'm thinking about making a banner and posting it on my bathroom mirror that says: IT'S ABOUT JOY, MOTHERF&$^ERS!

Because, you know, that little girl isn't just sunshine and rainbows. She's magnificently irreverent, too. (Maybe it's the part of her that grew up into a great big glittery drag queen in the sky.)

Now I'm going to go ride my bike, y'all!

[Nadia B]

Welcome back

[Beets]

Ditto!

I have more thoughts and I love the name change, but briefly (for me):I was thinking about you and your medical history and my totally unmedical thought was that your body is using a little extra padding as a protective measure. It needs to feel safe before it can let go. Maybe you need to feel safe before you can let go of it.

I listen to this audio file before bed sometimes (usuallly fall asleep five mins in) and a big part of it is the idea of feeling "safe" enough to let that extra padding go. Fat protects us in many ways!

http://www.healthjou...ail.aspx?id=173

(I don't even remember writing a review, but I did.)

[pjena]

(By the way, God, to me, looks more like a great big glittery drag queen than an old white bearded dude.

This made me laugh...

Sometimes, though, God looks like the playful curly-haired little girl I was before trauma shoved her into a deep dark corner.)

Actually, that image helps me. In going with the bike riding joyfulness, I'm going to think of the next phase of the WholeWhatevs (and 30-day increments seems to work pretty well) as a mission to help guide that little girl into the sunshine, so she can come out and play again, safely and fearlessly. She likes to ride bikes. She likes nourishing food--not too much, not too little--eaten in a spirit of calm. She loves to dance and she loves to rest. She also loves to write, but I've kept her out of my writing process. I've decided to give her the reigns this summer.

This made me tear up...

I'm thinking about making a banner and posting it on my bathroom mirror that says: IT'S ABOUT JOY, MOTHERF&$^ERS!

This made me laugh again. Thanks for the emotional roller coaster! I'm glad you'll be sticking around as you continue to work on your journey.

[Moluv]

**grouphug**

[LadyM]

Ditto!

I have more thoughts and I love the name change, but briefly (for me):I was thinking about you and your medical history and my totally unmedical thought was that your body is using a little extra padding as a protective measure. It needs to feel safe before it can let go. Maybe you need to feel safe before you can let go of it.

I listen to this audio file before bed sometimes (usuallly fall asleep five mins in) and a big part of it is the idea of feeling "safe" enough to let that extra padding go. Fat protects us in many ways!

http://www.healthjou...ail.aspx?id=173

(I don't even remember writing a review, but I did.)

Thanks for the link, Beets. I think there's real validity to that. Hypnosis is likely a really good means of communicating this message because it's not really something we can get on a conscious level. I've read just about all the self-help books on disordered eating and making peace with food and your body, so I've learned that message on some level. The mind blowing thing for me with this doc is that it feels like she's getting at things on a physical and cellular level, which is something I simply can't do on my own.

[LadyM]

Thanks for the emotional roller coaster! I'm glad you'll be sticking around as you continue to work on your journey.

Glad you're thanking me and not wanting to throttle me! This whole log has been such a roller coaster, and I'm sososo grateful for you all for sticking with me and carrying me through. I imagine I come off as quite a wacko at times because of the wild ups and downs in the mood and tone of my posts. But I take comfort in the fact that you've all had your own wild rides with Whole30 and therefore likely judge me less and take me as I am. What a gift.

[percypat]

I love how honest you are LadyM

[LadyM]

Day 31

So happy I went for a sunny 13-mile bike ride this afternoon instead of grading papers because now it's pissing down rain. But it's one of those beautiful spring rains at twilight. Gorgeous and calming. Also glad I made it home from work on foot before the rain started. I might not feel so peaceful about the rain had I gotten caught in it!

Feeling good about my decision to stay the course and give my body more time with Whole30. I am also happy about my increasing activity level, and my aim is to actually get to the gym tomorrow for some weights. It's now the one missing piece. In addition, I've scheduled a fitness consult next week with a local CrossFit box (with Coach Erin, AmyB--do you know her?). Nervous and a little excited about taking that step.

M1 9 GF ground beef with veg hash, spinach, kraut, 1/4 avo

M2 2 same as breakfast (ate second half)

M3 6:30 coconut kale bacon salad, GF steak, fiddle heads/ramps sauteed in ghee

I really loved what I ate today and I listened to what my body needed, eating half as much breakfast as I might have a week or two ago. I'm also consciously working getting appropriate, not excessive fat in my meals. 1/4 avo with the fat in the meat seemed just right.

Sleep, too, is becoming more and more blissful. Woke up a little before 5, kind of restless about my indecision about W30, read some emails, and decided to go back to sleep. Woke up at 8, did pranayama, and was pleasantly hungry. Nice way to start the day.

And I'm starting to get sleepy now already, which is fine--good, actually. So happy to be getting plenty of rest again. It can only make me stronger and life sweeter.

Other random good news: though delayed, I am getting a decent tax return this year and am considering using some of the money to buy a Vitamix. I'm also thinking about yoga teacher training this year. Didn't know where the money would come from, but there it is. Of course, I should just pay down debt, but we'll see. . . . whatever I decide, it's wonderful that it's coming my way!

[Beets]

Vitamix! I can Vitamix vicariously through you. I also thought about using some of our tax return for that, but we had other non-fun things to deal with. Someday.

Your doc sounds excellent. I need to find somebody like that. I've been researching it but I'm leery to spend the money since most of those doctors don't take insurance--at least around here.