Sometimes my mind is my biggest enemy

[Cate B.]

I've opted to delete what I originally wrote. The point is I need to focus on foods that help me heal, and daily activities that do the same. Big love & support to all you ladies! 

 

[misshannah]

Cate your post brought tears to my eyes. Your body is a miracle. As is mine. And they are verrrry different, I promise you. Your body is unlike anyone else's, and that's why it's a gift to you, to your students, to your fiance, and to everyone you speak to, laugh with, hug, cry with, etc. 

 

Please please try to hear the messages you say. Your body is a miracle because it is the only one that has ever been, or ever will be, that is exactly how it is, and exactly you. Try to be friends and partners with it --- it has housed you from the time you were in someone else's body, and will be with you until the time you leave it. It's neither horribly flawed, nor perfect. It is you.

 

Peace, sister. You're ok, you're enough, just how you are. Try to be kind to yourself. 

[Mom2A&M]

I have struggled with body image since is was 10 years old. Yo-yo dieted for my entire adult life. I lost a bit of weight last year, felt like I finally was getting there, thinner, almost "normal" size, I got into a size 8. Then, my husband tells me that I looked funny that thin and he prefers me with more weight. So, I put on weight, about 20 lbs. I feel fat every day, I ate the way my clothes fit and my husband compliments me almost every day! Why is that not enough?!

Look in the mirror every day and say out loud positive affirmations. Make it a chore to love yourself and appreciate your abilities. When the darkness rises, fight the fight and send it packin'

[Roz Griffiths]

I have struggled with body image since is was 10 years old. Yo-yo dieted for my entire adult life. I lost a bit of weight last year, felt like I finally was getting there, thinner, almost "normal" size, I got into a size 8. Then, my husband tells me that I looked funny that thin and he prefers me with more weight. So, I put on weight, about 20 lbs. I feel fat every day, I ate the way my clothes fit and my husband compliments me almost every day! Why is that not enough?!

Look in the mirror every day and say out loud positive affirmations. Make it a chore to love yourself and appreciate your abilities. When the darkness rises, fight the fight and send it packin'

Forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn, but shouldn't your happy size be the size YOU'RE happy in? You said you felt normal as a size 8 (by my reckoning that's equivalent to a UK size 12, which is a perfectly healthy size to be unless you're 6'8" or something). But then your husband said you looked funny & you added a few pounds & now you feel fat & unhappy again, but he likes it? Surely that's the wrong way round?

[d.t]

Man, I needed to see this post today.  I've always hated my body. Always...  

 

I've always been a big girl. I'm Samoan and we're big people.  

 

I grew up with a mom who fed us food to keep us busy and she thought it made us happy while all the while she was making herself happy. My mom is 80 years old and she's the most miserable person to be around.  

 

I've started Whole 30 program 3 times in about 3 weeks.  I'll be starting it again today for the 4th time.  

 

I suffer from extreme headaches and the only thing that soothes them is ice cream. Sounds crazy, huh?  But ice cream helps them go away.  I've had 2 severe headaches since Sat.  Not migraines, I know migraines and I haven't had a migraine for about 10 years.  

 

I've had 2 milk shakes, french fries and hamburger since Sat.  

 

Yesterday and this morning, I woke up feeling like a big, disgusting fat body.  When I look in the mirror, I tell myself that I'm ugly, fat and totally disgusting.  What a way to start the day!

 

I've read books about accepting our body as it is.  Our bodies are the way they are based on our genetics, our age, and our diet history. 

 

My partner tells me that I'm beautiful.  He is totally against the way the media convinces women that we need to be thin to be beautiful and loved.  I've bought into the propaganda.  

 

When it's all said and done, without this fat and disgusting body my only alternative is to not be here at all.  I'd rather be here, even in this fat and disgusting body.   

[Mom2A&M]

Forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn, but shouldn't your happy size be the size YOU'RE happy in? You said you felt normal as a size 8 (by my reckoning that's equivalent to a UK size 12, which is a perfectly healthy size to be unless you're 6'8" or something). But then your husband said you looked funny & you added a few pounds & now you feel fat & unhappy again, but he likes it? Surely that's the wrong way round?

It's effed up all right!

Honestly though, I was following a calorie restricted diet (weight watchers) and I couldn't maintain that forever. I stopped going and dabbled in paleo and now W30 so I did put on weight. But I AM HAPPY knowing that he is more than okay with where I am now. It's important to me to be appealing to my husband. I am just working on my brain to have acceptance with me, wherever I am. I am finally done with the scale, I no longer value its ideals. I am trying hard to focus on healthy habits, feeling good and not every stretch mark and roll.

[Carlaccini]

Oh Cate B!  Thank you for starting this post.  I have felt this way / made to feel this way since I was 5 years of age.  So, so wrong.  I was a chubby kid (not fat, just chubby), was a chubby teen (off and on) and then in my 20's I became a fat Adult.

 

Now I am a big girl, 5'9" with a very heavy stocky build.  I do hold my weight well and thankfully I am in proportion (I gain and loose weight everywhere).  Instead of being thankful of this fact, I have hated my body, and abused it, and hated it some more.  It was a lot of years living in denial, and hatred.  Hearing the words Fat and Ugly over and over in my head like a mantra. 

 

And now on the flip side of things after a year of Paleo eating mixed with 3 whole 30's I am starting not to hate myself anymore. I have accepted.  I have accepted that I will never in my wildest dreams be a size 6 or a size 8.  It's simply not physically possible.  I would be considered close to annorexic if I weighed 140.  That is simply how I was put together.  And although it's not my ideal, it's what it is.  It is what God blessed me with.

 

What I weigh on the scale is just a number.  It holds no importance over me now.  I see pictures from last year (before I started my journey) and I just see someone who is and was unhealthy and in a very unhappy place.  Pictures now - not ideal shape wise, and I can still point out my faults (we women are good at that) but I glow with health.  And THAT is worth it.  And I'm good with that.

[lexes42]

Cate, you wrote an important post. and I agree with every post here.  I won't go into my story because it sounds so much like the others!  But I will say that when I was w30 compliant I felt beautiful... until I looked in some mirrors.  I'm 3 weeks off and feel terrible inside and out and I'm having trouble restarting... so I've set Sept29 as my start day.

 

Looking at your profile picture you are clearly ADORABLE... and YOU are the 'thin yoga instructor' other people wish they looked like. You are also honestly doing everything right and the last laggard is your minds eye.  Have you tried meditation?  Heck, even hypnosis?  There must be something we can do to stop the tape of loathing in our head.

 

Every time you catch yourself beating yourself up in your head, ask if you would say the same things to your best friend, sister, daughter.  Or what you would say if they said they felt what you're thinking about themselves.  Like the self acceptance you teach at yoga, it's not a message we get the first time... we have to remind ourselves over and over and over that we are beautiful just as we are.  

 

Someone said 'We teach what we most need to learn'  so know that you are in great company!

[picklesandmeat]

Cate- I think a lot of us relate and honestly, I think it's normal to feel a lot of those feelings (all though I wish it wasn't). No one is thinking about you as a yoga instructor further than "man, I wish I could do that" (trust me!). For the negative thoughts that pop up, think of positive ones to go in there - it works. You are making huge strides mentally and physically tackling these demons and that deserves notice, not the failures.

For what it's worth, I love your farmers market we go a lot!

[amberino21]

Oh Cate B! Thank you for starting this post. I have felt this way / made to feel this way since I was 5 years of age. So, so wrong. I was a chubby kid (not fat, just chubby), was a chubby teen (off and on) and then in my 20's I became a fat Adult.

Now I am a big girl, 5'9" with a very heavy stocky build. I do hold my weight well and thankfully I am in proportion (I gain and loose weight everywhere). Instead of being thankful of this fact, I have hated my body, and abused it, and hated it some more. It was a lot of years living in denial, and hatred. Hearing the words Fat and Ugly over and over in my head like a mantra.

And now on the flip side of things after a year of Paleo eating mixed with 3 whole 30's I am starting not to hate myself anymore. I have accepted. I have accepted that I will never in my wildest dreams be a size 6 or a size 8. It's simply not physically possible. I would be considered close to annorexic if I weighed 140. That is simply how I was put together. And although it's not my ideal, it's what it is. It is what God blessed me with.

What I weigh on the scale is just a number. It holds no importance over me now. I see pictures from last year (before I started my journey) and I just see someone who is and was unhealthy and in a very unhappy place. Pictures now - not ideal shape wise, and I can still point out my faults (we women are good at that) but I glow with health. And THAT is worth it. And I'm good with that.

Carlaccini - I spent most of my life "stocky and big boned", and started to accept that while I didn't like it, that's what I was born with. No one thought I was that big, because like you, I held my weight well and dressed appropriately.

If that's not what you want to be, you don't need to be that. I went from an Australian size 14/16 to a 6 and completely changed my physique through good diet and training. I would never have though that was ever possible....until I did it!

Do I still have issues with my body - yes! I still haven't grown out of thinking I'm the bigger girl

I used to be. I have no realistic concept of my size when I compare myself to other people - the girls I see myself as bigger than are usually bigger than me! (I've asked my husband on many occasions - he thinks I'm silly!) I've competed since then, and also have that physique "ideal" in my head. Being so lean isn't good long term, so I've put on fat. I'm actually starting to accept how I look, and appreciate myself with the extra size.

[Cate B.]

Every time you catch yourself beating yourself up in your head, ask if you would say the same things to your best friend, sister, daughter.  Or what you would say if they said they felt what you're thinking about themselves. 

 

I love that you wrote this. When I woke up yesterday morning, a bit more calm than the day before, I read the posts of other women dogging on their bodies just like I did, and I all I wanted to do was send everyone cyber hugs! I do meditate, which helps, and even just being back at Day 4 of a whole30, I can already feel my mind clearing out a bit. I know I'm REALLY sensitive to food. I've used it as a way to celebrate/show love/heal for so long. Many times this is good, but when it's the wrong food - and it's more coping than celebrating - my hormones go whacky and my mind jumps on the self-hate train really fast. Thanks for your kinds words =)  

[Cate B.]

Your body is a miracle because it is the only one that has ever been, or ever will be, that is exactly how it is, and exactly you. Try to be friends and partners with it --- it has housed you from the time you were in someone else's body, and will be with you until the time you leave it. It's neither horribly flawed, nor perfect. It is you. 

Thank you Hannah - I'll be copying & pasting this into many places for future reference =)

[Cindy T]

Just signed up as a member and was immediately drawn to this forum....I already feel a kinship with all of you.  So glad we can give support to each other.  I know I need it and I'm thrilled to be able to give it!!  Stay strong women!  We are not alone in this struggle!!!

 

:-)

 

New Member/Friend/Supporter

[Carlaccini]

Amberino - I had to take a long, hard read at your post.  Part of it - I will say - hit a very tender sore spot.  I know what you are saying - if I really, really, want to be a size 6 I could do it.  Could I be be more lean and muscular than I am (absolutely!) Could I be a size 6?  Nope

 

Smallest I have ever been as a full grown healthy adult is a size 14.  If I excersied and toned I could *maybe* get down to a size 12.  I am presently on the cusp of size 16 and 14. I had to lose 35lbs to get here.

 

But as I write this response I do realize I need some help.  Whole 30 has helped a lot with my food issues - constantly undereating because I didn't want to gain more weight :/, but sneaking in cookies and chocolate only because the sugar dragon ruled my life.  So this is mostly under control.  Sugar Dragon is always lurking just below the surface....

 

My major issues that I have are with excersise.  I will go out for a walk, hike, etc.  but nothing more.  I would love to start some heavy lifting - only because this is right up my alley.  I guess in the back of my mind I've always wanted to become a living breathing Amazon.... but I am also TERRIFIED of failure.  (And I cannot afford to do Crossfit) So I feel stuck.....

[Emma]

I know that my body looks pretty much the same as it did a few weeks ago when I wasn't doing a whole30, but the messages from my brain are dramatically different.  As soon as I start eating the foods that make me feel bloated, I start yearning for food to fix my moods/my foggy head/my everything.  And as soon as I'm eating those foods, I feel like a big fat cow.  But almost immediately after starting a new Whole30 I feel myself liking my body a bit more, feeling protective of it, and feeling overweight, but not like a fat cow.  Some could just be mental stuff - since I'm actively doing something to be more healthy, I feel more healthy, but I think a huge part is that the other foods really chemically (or hormonally) trigger some ugly thinking.  Yesterday in yoga I saw my stomach pooch and I caught myself feeling a bit fond of it!  It's mine and part of my body and I rather loved it.  Of course, there was another part of my brain thinking it would be nice if it didn't exist so largely, but those were thoughts and not the negative kind of self talk that is so damaging.  Sounds to me like you have a pretty fit body that can do what you ask it to do.  I'd love to have that and to feel like I could trust my body to climb something or lift something or balance a certain way.  I'll get there.  Hopefully this self-talk demon of yours will go away the more you avoid those foods you're sensitive to.

[MrsStick]

Carlaccini - you don't need to necessarily join a CF gym to lose weight/strengthen/tone. There's so much you can do without one - you can do it. Lunges, squats, push-ups (you can start on your knees or even the wall, just make sure you keep the form right), dips can be simulated on a couch (butt off the couch, arms on, feet out in front of you...lets you use your legs to help with the motion until your arms can do it). If you google things like "hotel room workout" or "workout without equipment" you can do a lot. Keep in mind - lunges will destroy your legs for 3-5 days afterwards. I just started adding them back into my workouts and whoa, man. I did lunges the length of the parking lot (maybe as wide as a football field?) on Monday and today's the first day I don't feel them as much (walking Wednesday/Friday and including hills helped).

 

All that to say - if you want to start exercising, don't be scared. No equipment required. Just do your thing and be fantastic like you already are. 

[amberino21]

Amberino - I had to take a long, hard read at your post. Part of it - I will say - hit a very tender sore spot. I know what you are saying - if I really, really, want to be a size 6 I could do it. Could I be be more lean and muscular than I am (absolutely!) Could I be a size 6? Nope

Smallest I have ever been as a full grown healthy adult is a size 14. If I excersied and toned I could *maybe* get down to a size 12. I am presently on the cusp of size 16 and 14. I had to lose 35lbs to get here.

But as I write this response I do realize I need some help. Whole 30 has helped a lot with my food issues - constantly undereating because I didn't want to gain more weight :/, but sneaking in cookies and chocolate only because the sugar dragon ruled my life. So this is mostly under control. Sugar Dragon is always lurking just below the surface....

My major issues that I have are with excersise. I will go out for a walk, hike, etc. but nothing more. I would love to start some heavy lifting - only because this is right up my alley. I guess in the back of my mind I've always wanted to become a living breathing Amazon.... but I am also TERRIFIED of failure. (And I cannot afford to do Crossfit) So I feel stuck.....

Carla, I didn't mean to offend you, I'm really sorry if I did!! I just felt like I was reading about me, and how I used to think. If you'd told me a few years ago that I would be a aus size 6/8, I would have laughed at you. If you'd told me I would win bodybuilding competitions I would have bet my life on that not happening....ever. After living most of my teens and early adult life as a size 14, my dream was to be a size 10. I'd done every diet, tried different training program's, you name it...nothing worked. Size 10 seemed still like an impossibility.

Then I had a huge lifestyle change, my idea of healthy was thrown out the window and replaced. I trained heavy and consistently. No CF, just in a normal gym. I did some cardio but not excessive amounts. My body changed dramatically. In 7 months I lost about 50lbs of fat. I was amazed at the results I got!

Competing came after and that's a whole new venture...and mind game!

Heres a couple of links so you can see where i came from... http://www.nazafit.com.au/amber-day/

http://www.nazafit.com.au/amber-day-a-nazafit-success-story/

So, whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right. Don't let a pre conceived idea stop you from going for something! Lifting weights is something you do for you - you can't fail! Some days you really don't feel like being there, but you lift anyway. Does anyone care if you have to drop weight? Nope! Consistency is the key.

ETA: I realise the bodybuilding pics aren't everyone's cup of tea, but its just demonstrating what you could achieve!

[Roz Griffiths]

That's an inspirational set of photos Amberino!

[Revived]

That's an inspirational set of photos Amberino!

 

 

I'll second that.  Goodness.... that's pretty awesome.  So what kind of program did you do?  Like, someone designed you a lifting routine?  Did you work with a trainer?  

[amberino21]

I'll second that. Goodness.... that's pretty awesome. So what kind of program did you do? Like, someone designed you a lifting routine? Did you work with a trainer?

Thanks, ladies!

Revived, I had nutrition and training plans written for me. I didn't work one on one with a trainer, my husband and I just did the training program's written for us together. I wouldn't say the nutrition plans were "diet" food, I didn't feel deprived- just a huge lifestyle change. Even during comps we didn't feel deprived...much

Training was with weights - heavy!! Initially 4 times a week (beginning to white bikini) then 5 times a week when I started prepping for comps. My last comp was October last year and since then we've done 4/5/6 days just depending on the style of training we are doing.

[Bet]

Please please please please stop these destructive thoughts now! Stop reading 'women's magazines', stop judging yourself against Hollywood stars and fashion models who are NOT HEALTHY and spend hours of time and thousands of dollars on plastic surgery and beauty treatments including injecting themselves with foreign substances. They are false beauty idols.

 

I have probably been dissatisfied with my appearance for most of my young adult life. I recently turned 56. I think I look good for my age. I was looking through some old photos of myself, and I said to myself 'OMG, I was so young and pretty!' Why did I think I was so ugly? What I wouldn't give to have that smooth skin now! And I'm sure 20 years from now, I will say that about the way I look now.

 

Stop wasting your life worrying about how you look. You look like YOU. Sure, take care of yourself and try to look as good as you can. But don't compare yourself to an ideal that is fantasy.

 

W30 is about healing body and mind. When you eat whole foods, you will be healthier in body and mind. And that will show through in your skin and your eyes. Happy healthy people are pretty people. The beauty goes beyond size and appearance. You will glow with health and confidence. And that is very attractive to people.

[Cate B.]

I know that my body looks pretty much the same as it did a few weeks ago when I wasn't doing a whole30, but the messages from my brain are dramatically different.  As soon as I start eating the foods that make me feel bloated, I start yearning for food to fix my moods/my foggy head/my everything.  And as soon as I'm eating those foods, I feel like a big fat cow.  But almost immediately after starting a new Whole30 I feel myself liking my body a bit more, feeling protective of it, and feeling overweight, but not like a fat cow.  Some could just be mental stuff - since I'm actively doing something to be more healthy, I feel more healthy, but I think a huge part is that the other foods really chemically (or hormonally) trigger some ugly thinking.  

 

EandKFamily - I find myself feeling far more at peace when I'm eating in line with the Whole30. Like you said, some of it I'm sure is b/c I'm actively working on my health, but a lot of it really is the foods. Not having widespread inflammation in my body makes it easier to feel comfortable in my own skin. 

[kaybee]

Well, I'm. Sure glad to hear I'm not the only one telling myself a negative story. I know I need to change that, so I try to stop myself in the act and say "would you ever say such a thing to a friend? Of course not!". Talk about a waste of mental energy, yet it's so difficult to shake.

[NazzaB]

I'm still trying to figure it all out, and on a journey to self love and awareness but when I am eating lots of foods that cause inflammation I get very depressed and self-loathing in terms of my own body image and ability to do things as well.

 

I actually honestly think I'm beautiful and there's nothing wrong with my body. However when I'm not eating well I think I am a fat disgusting useless blob that is unfit and unattractive.

 

As hard as it is saying no to certain foods, I need to remind myself that feeling good about myself and having a few cravings is much better than eating whatever the hell I want and feeling miserable.

 

Food is powerful.

[Robin Strathdee]

I actually honestly think I'm beautiful and there's nothing wrong with my body. However when I'm not eating well I think I am a fat disgusting useless blob that is unfit and unattractive.

 

As hard as it is saying no to certain foods, I need to remind myself that feeling good about myself and having a few cravings is much better than eating whatever the hell I want and feeling miserable.

 

Food is powerful.

 

As much as we want everyone to eat Good Food, this is also a mindset we wish everyone could leave behind.  I know it's easier said than believed, but you are more than your food choices and a food choice should never make you feel like less.  You are a beautiful person no matter what you choose to eat.  <3 <3