LadyM's seduction continues (sur son propre velo)


LadyM

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I was planning to get on here and bitch about how grumpy I am today, but your comments buoyed me entirely. Somehow I didn't get them via email, which is how I usually read what's going on around here. I spend much less time trolling the forum these days. Kind of taking a break, but still keeping in touch with you lovelies even if I'm lurking more than commenting. But I'll do better. You've reminded me just how powerful these connections we've created have become in my life.

 

I've been thinking a lot about the connections I do and do not have in my life right now. I'm going through some major shifts--to be expected in one's mid-thirties, I believe--surrounding my friends and family. My mother is dying, period. Her kidney function is abysmal; it won't be long now. My grandmother is almost 95. They're in a race to the finish. My dad is in recovery with OA and in the narcissistic throws of that. These are the primary relationships that go all the way back to the beginning, and they're changing in the most dramatic ways.

 

I'm also finding that almost all of my friends have dispersed and our lives are not just in different places but are on different trajectories. While we have a shared past, we're no longer of like minds. Sustaining these friendships doesn't make a lot of sense.

 

I do, however, have a handful of soul friends that are on a mystical level. I am grateful for them. And I sense that I will soon create a new circle, but I just don't know when. To say I'm feeling restless right now is an understatement. It's requiring a lot of trust to just keep going. In all things, it seems.

 

Feeling this way about my health, too. Annoyed that things aren't getting measurably better. Or at least at the speed I'd like (impatient, petulant me). I am kicking ass on the exercise front and feeling the burn all over. That's good. I have no intention of stopping. I did lose two pounds and one inch in my waist, which is fine, just fine. The right direction. I am feeling like myself in my clothes again and believe I will get where I want to go. But part of me is still looking for the magic. For this to not require so much effort. Guess I need to let that go.

 

Yesterday I took myself to the beach again, and it was wonderful. Bared my belly shamelessly and got a bit of a sunburn. This signifies the official start of summer. Final grades are due in a couple hours, and I'll really be ready to kick it off after that. Next week is my writing retreat. The week after that I go see my mom.

 

Eating is fine. Keeping it low carb, though I did off road last night with two glasses of wine. Not as wonderful as I recalled, and I swear that little bit gave me a slight hangover. I hadn't eaten in 4-5 hours when I drank, and I ate a can of sardines before bed because I was hungry and figured it was smart to balance the wine with some protein and fat. Ugh. Yoga this morning was not pleasant, however. No difficult poses, but the sunburn and slight hangover made me feel less than present. Makes me realize how all the good choices do pay off on a day-to-day basis to keep me living in my body and without pain. I guess that's more than enough, really.

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All of the good choices do pay off. I noticed this morning that my Howie to stay up later has me feeling crappy and dulled in all my senses.

I love that you went to the beach and let the sun play on your body. I'm a curvy girl too and at my ge I'm wearing a 2 piece when I feel like it. It's liberating!

I don't know about 30's and childless. I think being a mum changes relationships a lot because the focus shifts. I see what you're talking about ith Zach as well. Watching his circles shift. He's off in Berlin writing for the summer. He's delighted to be connecting more with his screenwriting aspects as he's spent a few years on the directing aspect. I'm watching him suffer with knowing that this week he will probably lose a childhood friend to pancreatic cancer. The 30's are a growing up time in so many ways.

Oh my about your mum and Grammy. I'm sorry. It sounds painful. I spent 17 years in OA. Your dad may learn skills that will carry him through life. I think it made me a better person. Some of my best friends today, I met in program in 1989.

Find joy! Both of us.

Ps.....guy friend?

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PP, round belly/big boob girls unite! My strongest yogini mentor once told me how important it is for those of us with curves to live fully embodied and to show our bodies shamelessly on the beach--that it's a kind of good influence/role modeling the world needs. When I'm in a good place I can remember that and think of my belly baring as an act of social justice. Join me! Lets hide our squishy middles no more! :)

_____________________________

 

 

I love all of this!  I'm in!  For the good of ourselves and all the curvy girls who need to know they're ok!  :)

 

I'm sorry about your mum and grandma.  I hope your dad gets some good things from the program.

 

Some bodies are a bit more complicated than others.  I think you're doing brilliantly.  I hope I can reach the level of self-awareness I see in you!

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I am sorry to read about the family situation. Sadly, all you can do is to handle it with grace and kindness. Kindness to yourself too. Sometimes I think that the most valuable skill in life is to be in peace with yourself. I had to learn what it is to be comfortable with myself as the only company. I felt very good when I fully accepted the fact that even though I'd love to have tons of friends, do crazy stuff and travel together as all people around me seem to do (damn you fb and perfect pictures) it might be something I will never have. However I will always have myself. I want to invest in permanence.

 

Yes, uploading pics from tapatalk is very easy. Thanks for compliments to my pictures. I love taking them because you can't make a typo while taking a picture. English as a second language complex? Lol. 

 

Have productive day at the beach! 

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"I will always have myself. I want to invest in permanence."

 

Beautifully said, Nadia! And you certainly are investing in yourself, both body and soul. And yes, this is the gift of being alone. Of course the flip side is that it's an awful struggle when we're frustrated with our bodies, when it's a challenge to feel like we're on the same team with them! We always find our way back, though, don't we?

 

"Some bodies are a bit more complicated than others.  I think you're doing brilliantly.  I hope I can reach the level of self-awareness I see in you!"

 

Thank you so much, PP. I feel like participating in this forum has helped me more than anything learn to stop comparing myself to others, to trust that we each have our unique challenges and successes, and to gain strength from others' commitment to themselves and the program.

 

"I love that you went to the beach and let the sun play on your body. I'm a curvy girl too and at my ge I'm wearing a 2 piece when I feel like it. It's liberating!

I don't know about 30's and childless. I think being a mum changes relationships a lot because the focus shifts. I see what you're talking about ith Zach as well. Watching his circles shift. He's off in Berlin writing for the summer. He's delighted to be connecting more with his screenwriting aspects as he's spent a few years on the directing aspect. I'm watching him suffer with knowing that this week he will probably lose a childhood friend to pancreatic cancer. The 30's are a growing up time in so many ways.

Oh my about your mum and Grammy. I'm sorry. It sounds painful. I spent 17 years in OA. Your dad may learn skills that will carry him through life. I think it made me a better person. Some of my best friends today, I met in program in 1989.

Find joy! Both of us.

Ps.....guy friend?"

 

Thank you, Calee. There's so much wisdom here. I am more or less at peace with my lot in life and definitely seeking joy actively!

 

I urged my dad to join OA, and it's definitely a good thing for him in every possible way. Good for me, too. He actually apologized to me on Sunday for being such an absent father and told me I deserved to have a better dad than he was able to be. I'd been waiting my whole life to hear that. There's major healing going on here, and it's a massive change. It's a lot to process, for better and for worse, these changes.

 

I spent several summers writing in Prague, and your stories about Zach make me wish I were spending the summer somewhere else!

 

As for Monkey Man, well, it's all gone quiet on that front. I think there's definite chemistry there, but his life is awfully complicated right now with a young child, a fledgling business, and a difficult ex-wife. My sense is he hasn't quite figured out how a new relationship fits. And that's OK. I'm ready. And I require a man who's just as ready. Maybe, in time, it will be him. Maybe it will be someone else. I'm open.

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I had an amazingly good, long sleep last night. Fell asleep shortly after my head hit the pillow at 9 and didn't get out of bed until a little after 8. Oh summer, how I love you!

 

I've cleared my schedule for today to get my house in order. Yesterday I washed my car inside and out and roasted a giant pork butt after a couple meetings. Today, in addition to cleaning house, I'll read, go for a bike ride, and maybe lift later. Things really feel like they're coming together.

 

It occurred to me that things are happening exactly as they should and at the exact right pace. It started with food, yes, and I needed to make lots of adjustments on that front that took some time to figure out. Now I'm focusing on water, sleep, exercise. Stress reduction happens naturally in the summer. Fun will follow in short order (though in fairness I am making my own fun with biking and regular beach excursions).

 

Phew! Feel liking I'm taking much needed deep breaths finally!

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Good day. Beautiful bike ride. Loads of cooking inspired by the forum. Chicken liver pâté, flank steak, grilled chicken, beef jerky, mashed cauliflower, green goddess dressing. I am flush with meat and super delicious flavors. Was getting sick of canned fish. Oh, and I'm loving my home brewed booch. So fun! Finally enjoying this lifestyle again.

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There's so much wisdom and thoughtfulness and caring on this forum! Well, the people on the forum creating it. I could respond to most every message above, but I'll just say that it was a blessing to read them.

 

And so sorry about your mom and grandmother. I still miss my grandmother so much, and worry about my mom's health.

 

I hear you about the changing friendships. I had a big shake up in my early forties, and 13 years later, I'm still a bit bewildered by it all. But as you said, we just all go different directions. I've made many new friends, but  I still miss some of the old ones that moved off and away.

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I'm just catching up on your log. Somehow I got really behind. It's always enjoyable to read a chunk at a time, and read your ebb and flow. Your highs are so high. I loved the day when you got all the meat and got a sunburn. Glad for your inches, you sound great despite family and friendship hardships. Your posts deserve a better response but I'm on my phone. Your lines about discovering joy in this food again really struck me. I was sick and tired of my food over the weekend and now I'm getting back into it. Green goddess: great call! Love tarragon.

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Thanks, Beets. Glad you're getting back into your food again. Talk about an ebb and flow, huh? OMG green goddess is a revelation. Now that I'm grilling all kinds of meats (inspired by Derval and her new bbq) I'm going to focus on flavorful sauces. Chimichurri is in my future today, I believe.

 

Shelda, you're such a kind and loving presence here. Thank you for commiserating. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in my experience.

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No, Nadia. It's one of my mom's fave recipes from Joy of Cooking. Here's how I made it given what I had on hand: in a blender mix a cup of homemade mayo, a T each of acv and lemon juice, 1/4 c each scallions and parsley, a grated garlic clove, three chopped anchovies, salt and pepper. Crazy simple and so fresh!

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Another gorgeous day here. I overslept and missed yoga but hauled my butt to the gym to get in my third weights workout of the week. Yay!

 

Met with a student and picked up some books to read while I'm on my retreat. Really getting excited for it!

 

I also saw FMD and she's pleased with my progress. She's also prescribed a cleanse/purification program that I'm going to do for the next three weeks. It includes both supplements and real food. She's really excited about it. I'm game. I told her I know I can be compliant. After Whole30 it's just not going to be that big of a deal. I haven't read all the materials, but it seems my diet won't change all that much except for the supplementation including protein shakes. I know, I know. But I'm actually ready for a break from doing so much thinking about food. Just going to roll with it and trust FMD. She thinks it will help with weight loss on top of everything else. So, cool.

 

Funny tidbit: I added stevia to my BP coffee this morning, and it didn't interest me at all. I actually prefer the taste of it unsweetened. What in the hell happened to me?

 

Also, I tasted my favorite booch flavor yet tonight: mint raspberry lime. Very fizzy and delish. Discovered, also, that green goddess dressing is wonderful on steamed broccoli.

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Funny tidbit: I added stevia to my BP coffee this morning, and it didn't interest me at all. I actually prefer the taste of it unsweetened. What in the hell happened to me?

____________________________

 

I had the same thing with cocoa made with cocknut milk and hot water.  I've been adding a drop of vanilla essence which is nice.  Yesterday I put a teaspoon of sugar in as my tummy was all fluttery (weird - not feeling sick or sore, just butterflies but not nervous?) and I needed something before I taught my Zumba class and I was very surprised to find that I wasn't too fussed on the sweetness.  I like it better without.  This coming from the person who would oversweeten hot chocolate (3 teaspoons!) like nobody's business before.

 

Good luck with your cleanse!  I hope it works for you!  Kind of nice to let someone else do the food-thinking for you, eh? :)

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Ooh!  I need to make green goddess dressing.  I haven't made that for ever!  And mint raspberry lime booch!  I'm making blackberry basil next, but maybe I will try that in the next batch.  I have fresh mint.  Weeee!

 

Good luck with the cleanse.  I'll be very interested in hearing about it.  I've tried cleanses before.  The first time, it did seem to help clean things out and get things moving, if you know what I mean.  The 2nd time did not - it just gave me a stomach ache for 3 weeks.  I hope yours goes well.  Tell us more when you get into it.

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If it's the shake that will make you more peaceful and think less about the food, hell yea, drink up :D Insert "Tom disapproves" mem here. You are doing it under supervision of the person you trust. 

 

When are you going to the cabin? I love the feeling of impatience before something exciting is about to happen soon. 

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Quick pop in before I head into my retreat week.

 

Started the cleanse Saturday and I also quit coffee (my beloved BP!) Friday. Happily, no headaches or withdrawal symptoms to speak of except a bit of tiredness. That could be the heat, too, though. I lied. The symptom to speak of is poop. Which isn't happening much. I'm primarily blaming no BPC in the morning, but it's also likely the diet change.

 

Keeping up with exercise and beach time. My belly is good and bronzed now :).

 

Still no real weight loss. It's utterly frustrating and demoralizing. However, I've simply decided to not put my life on hold and to not judge myself. F$%^ that. What if this is the best my body can do? What if I never get slimmer than this? Am I not going to live my life to the fullest? Hells no.

 

So I'm going into the woods for a week to write my ass off. I'll only wear comfy clothes and there will be no makeup in sight. I'll take many walks and do lots of yoga and meditation. I'll eat plenty of veggies and do my cleanse. I will not get in the way of whatever may be.

 

Without direction or ambition who knows where things will lead? Very possibly better than anything I can imagine.

 

Happy days to all of you! I'll check back in about a week.

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I totally get wanting to stop thinking about food. I think I'd go with an IV drip if I could feel sated and not have to think about it.

Last week when I realized I can eat streamed broc without wanting to gag (first time evah) I dipped some in plain mayo. It was good but I bet green goddess would be amazing. Gonna try that this week.

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