LadyM's seduction continues (sur son propre velo)


LadyM

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Thanks for the well wishes, everyone. It was a glorious week. No phone, no internet, no t.v., no radio, no distractions, just nature all around. Walking in the woods, reading, writing, and doing yoga were the thing. I read four books, wrote a new chapter, restructured my manuscript, did a fair amount of editing, discovered a rhythm for my day and a momentum for my process, and generally got to feeling really good.

 

I discovered the three necessary elements for my health and sanity are: move, meditate, write. I need to do each of these things at least once a day. Period. This is totally doable.

 

I eased my way into the cleanse without incident as well. At first I was a little snacky and a little constipated (after going off coffee--and even with MCT in my smoothies, Calee, it didn't help :(), then I had little poops throughout the day, and now I'm back to three meals a day (by meal I mean a smoothie and a bunch of veggies with a little fat) and my happy big once-a-day-first-thing-in-the-morning BMs. One week down, two to go. Yahoo!

 

I am not, however, miraculously thinner. I do believe I am getting healthier. I also believe that I will continue to tweak Whole9 to work for me once I finish the cleanse with fmd. Here's what I suspect: closer attention to portions of meat and fat, less fatty cuts of meat, minimal fruits and nuts, three meals, no snacks. Not so different than what I've been up to except continuing to keep an eye on those portions and reducing the fatty meats.

 

Additional good news: my skin is clearer than it has been in months and I believe I will continue to get healthier [and hot by accident (on purpose)].

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Wow. Your week is the stuff of my dreams. I know you suggested the same for me, but it's just not do-able now. So I will imagine it instead. Sounds, seriously, perfect. 

 

Glad you are feeling healthier. I've been thinking about making a pureed soup I used to live on during my Eat to Live days. It was so easy and brainless to wake up and drink a cup of soup. I could eat it with some protein. (Did you ever get your Vitamix? For some reason I was wondering that this morning.)

 

Hot by accident on purpose. Ha! Exactly. 

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LadyM, you sound incredible. Move. Meditate. Write. Wow! Discovering what works best at any given time is a revelation. I'm so happy that you made such great use of this week.

Sorry the MCT didn't do the trick for you immediately.

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Thank you, Calee!

 

Beets, no I never did get the Vitamix. Kept getting outbid on ebay and then quit.

 

Funny you mention Eat to Live, because I feel like I'm returning to some of his principles and recipes as well. Focusing more on veggies does feel pretty virtuous. And delicious when done right. Soup with protein in the morning sounds like a great plan.

 

I thought of you while I was on my retreat and how good something like that would be for you to recharge and reset. You're so connected to nature that to have days on end of freedom to be in and explore it would be remarkably healing. And I also get that it's not doable for you right now. I thought about that, too, and how even though I at times get down about being alone, it affords me the freedom to do things like this.

 

Also, for the record, my dad had something like four root canals that needed excavating and six teeth pulled before reconstructive work then needed to be done. So he was a pretty extreme case. I think you're doing pretty well!

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I just had a little glass of home brewed apricot-ginger-cardamom kombucha and it was both pretty and delicious!

 

Aside from that, I've been thinking about how I had a chance to reread my journal from this past year while on retreat and it helped me see a few things. One important one is that my greatest intention in doing Whole30 was to make peace with food, and I have done that. It doesn't plague, haunt, or otherwise taunt me anymore. Even though I'm not seeing the results in terms of body transformation, my habits and attitudes have changed RADICALLY. Food is fuel, food is medicine now. I'm not tempted to eat or drink things that I haven't planned to eat or drink. I very rarely off road, and when I do it isn't terribly detrimental. Cravings hold no power over me. Dare I say it? I am at peace with food. So much so that after four days in the woods my newfound daily routine has nothing to do with food.

 

Just wanted to step back and recognize how truly amazing this is. And to suggest that maybe this is part of the wisdom of the larger plan for me. I had to make peace with food before I could make peace with my body. I'm not there yet, but I feel I'm on the path. It goes way down deep for me, and I've discovered this in my writing; it goes deeper than body image/media messages/peer pressure gendered bullshit. That's part of it, but it's also about cancer at 17--at that threshold of becoming a woman, I instead became ill. I'm teasing this out in my writing, writing the story of my body in many regards, and writing it is healing. For me, and ultimately, I intend, for those who read it.

 

All right. Today so far I've meditated (first thing out of bed) and moved (bodypump). What's left is writing. And then cleaning my apartment. I long for the sparseness of my cabin, or at least to look at less clutter in my own space.

 

Wishing a joyous Saturday to each of you!

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That booch sounds divine.  I have some disappointingly non-fizzy lime and mint stuff to finish before I crack open the next bottle.

 

I'm glad you got so much out of your retreat.  And I love your realisation about how you've achieved peace with food.  I read that with such a bloody great smile on my face.  Hope you're having an awesome weekend! :)

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My dream is a very modern wood and glass cabin. With no stuff anywhere.

I look forward to reading your book! Memoir or fiction? Writing in the woods was my dream for so long. I don't write anymore, which is so strange to me. I was writing stories when I was 12 and in my 20s thought I'd be a writer. But I never had the discipline or time management skills to write consistently in the evenings or on weekends. My "day job" took over my life. For awhile I was begging my husband (boyfriend at the time) to build a curtain wall around my desk so I could write without looking at the clutter in our apartment. Like Proust's velvet curtains.

I still feel the drive to write, but I don't do it. In taking up photography I felt I was being unfaithful to writing. But I can't be a writer if I don't write.

Making peace with food is huge. A huge success. Life changing. Lord knows I haven't made peace with any of my problem foods yet. The frustration on the weight front has, as you've said, forced you to dig deep into this issue and you've come out the other side.

As for Eat to Live, I never followed it fully. I disagreed with his ideas on avoiding all oils and fat. I guess he allows avocado and nuts. I was combining EtL with Mark Bittman's "vegan before 6" WOE. And also using WW. I had to portion out my food or I would've gone overboard with grains.

I have been thinking though of cutting back my meat intake for a number of reasons: $, environment. Sometimes eating all this animal flesh just grosses me out. But in afraid Ill be ravenously hungry without grains or dairy.

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LadyM, your grace in self exploration is so inspiring to me. I love your peace with food as it allows so much more energy for creativity. I hope that soon I will be able to say the same thing. You are finding a lovely flow in combining all aspects of your life.

I am getting sick of meat as well Beets. Perhaps it's the summer heat. I crave salads and fruit more than meat. I have 2 copies of Eat to Live. Not sure how tht happened. I ate McDougall fashion from 1989 to 1998. I was still fat. Too many grains and potatoes. I have a friend in NJ who has Fuhrman as her doctor. He's always telling her that she's his only fat patient. She's been a vegan since 1989. We started eating vegan together.

While I'm it sure the template is my forever path, I think it's good for healing emotional food dependency.

Happy Sunday!

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My experience on weight loss boards tells me that there are plenty of overweight vegans. Perhaps not Eat to Live vegans. My friend and her mom had great success with it, but it was not sustainable for me. I spent the whole day weighing, measuring and planning my next meal.

I saw Furhman on TV the other day while changing channels. He looks creepy and not robust.

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"LadyM, your grace in self exploration is so inspiring to me. I love your peace with food as it allows so much more energy for creativity. I hope that soon I will be able to say the same thing. You are finding a lovely flow in combining all aspects of your life."

 

Wow. Thank you so much, Calee. I love that idea that the peace with food allows more energy for creativity. I think that's very true. I want it for you, too. It's been a long road.

 

"I still feel the drive to write, but I don't do it. In taking up photography I felt I was being unfaithful to writing. But I can't be a writer if I don't write."

 

Ha! This is so true. It's the fact of the doing it and being committed to it. It's awfully hard once you're not part of a structure that demands it. I think what's crucial, though, is the expression rather than the medium. I get crazy and weird when I'm not doing something creative, and I need to remind myself of that. Writing is a struggle for me in ways that other art forms are not because my identity is wrapped up in it and self doubt creeps in. I think I made some breakthroughs in that regard while on retreat. I hope you find a way to make art, Beets. It--even more than food or exercise or relaxation or fun--is crucial to living well for those of us who are called to it.(BTW the book is a memoir.)

 

And I just revisited one of my Fuhrman books (that's amazing about your friend, Calee) and I'm not on board 100 percent either. I think he has some really great recipes, especially for salad dressings using nuts and dried fruits, but I'll never be on board with such limited protein or eating soy. I'm still on the fence about legumes, too. In fact, this cleanse I'm doing calls for eating brown rice and lentils every day and I'm simply not doing it.

 

Speaking of the cleanse, I'm feeling pretty good. Skin is super clear, digestion is good, no real complaints except NO WEIGHT LOSS. WTH. I even started counting WW points and I'm eating less than what's recommended. It just doesn't make sense. Unless I end up seeing a big loss after my period starts sometime next week (if it arrives on schedule). But it's tough not to get weird about all the effort and no payoff where I can really see it. Makes me wonder about my thyroid. Also makes me wonder about MCT oil. I'm not using a lot of it, and it should be legal on this cleanse as it's coconut oil, basically, and coconut oil is allowed, but that's one variable. I could drive myself nuts with this.

 

But I prefer not to. I don't have any shorts that really fit comfortably, so I'm thinking about going shopping before heading to see my mom tomorrow. Seriously, though, how crazy is it that I've been Whole30ing since April and then doing this crazy cleanse with the intention of being slimmer and fitting into my summer clothes and three months later I have to buy bigger shorts? It kind of makes me feel sick and hopeless.

 

Why does it seem impossible to lose weight when I'm ostensibly doing everything right? Cutting all the weight-loss resistant foods for the long haul and then WHole30 and then carb/calorie counting and then back to WW.All the while stepping up my exercise, relaxation, and water. Ugh. This is ridiculous.

 

Part of me is holding hope that this is pms talking and that by the end of my 21 day cleanse (on day 9 now) I'll notice a change in the right direction, perhaps even a big drop in weight/inches/however you want to measure it. But I held this hope throughout the W30 to no avail. I used to be able to lose weight when I really tried. It was always difficult, yes, but I could do it. Why not now?

 

BTW, this is not me giving up. I do know that I'm getting healthier and stronger and am doing body revitalization for the long haul. I haven't lost sight of that. i just don't get why my body won't let go of the weight right now.

 

Also, full disclosure, part of this has been instigated by a text message last night out of the blue from my ex--the one who broke up with me a year ago, the one I haven't seen since he walked out the door. I've been writing about him, and my retreat was in a place about 10 miles from where he grew up. Did I summon him somehow? The text was a pic of the lyrics to U2's "With or Without You" from a karaoke screen with the message that he heard the song and it made him think of me and that he hopes all is well. Ugh. I'm glad to know he thinks of me and wishes me well, but I'm just not sure what to do with that.  And--and this is the truly ugly part--I thought that as much as I'd like to see him, I'm so mad that I'm not as thin as I aimed to be and don't want to see him until I'm really feeling at ease in my body, which is about 15 pounds--or four inches in my waist--away.

 

What if that never comes? What if there is nothing that I can do to get back to feeling at home in my body?

 

Oh how I resent despair and am tired of this old story.

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"I saw Furhman on TV the other day while changing channels. He looks creepy and not robust."

 

Ha! I think this same thing about him and think "Why would I follow a plan that would lead to that?"

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I can really sympathize with you right now LadyM-- I usually effortlessly drop weight in the summer, not so this summer.  I am still thick through the middle, which is usually my winter time woe.  I've been 9 months now off gluten, and off grains (except maybe 3-4 instances) for 6 months.  And very little sugar or cheating days in there either.  What gives, I'd like to know.  Many of my shorts are just a bit too tight.  How is it that they fit me fine last summer, when I was still drinking beer here and there?? Granted, I feel emotionally and intellectually much better and I know I'm in a better place.  But there may be some merit to my old ways of doing things which was calorie restriction peppered with indulgent re-feeds (which aren't quite binge worthy, but maybe you get the idea)  At that time, even though my mind was fracked I at least had some measure of control over my weight.  Why can't I have both?  I've been trying so hard to get the discipline to follow the low-carb path that you are on, thinking that might be the final missing piece for me, so to read that it's still not quite working for you is really disheartening to hear- because I want it for you but I also want it for myself.  Sometimes I think of just doing my own thing, eating paleo, but maybe using calorie tracking and weighing in on the daily, as was my old custom.  I just really want to bloody my forehead on a brick wall thinking about all of this.  grrrrrrrrr  :angry:

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Wouldn't it be nice if we could just get some straight answers? Fuck the mysteries of the body, yo.

 

Thanks for the commiseration, though. You nailed it. Why is it that I used to have a normal life with cocktails now and again, restaurant eating, and the general ability to not be totally insane about food for good stretches at a time and I wore two sizes smaller than I do now? It wasn't that damn long ago; I can't blame hormones and aging altogether.

 

Maybe this is part of making our own way, riding our own bike. I feel pretty certain I need to do some kind of counting, weighing, measuring once I complete this cleanse, as you said, to gain some measure of control over my weight. I'd still like to generally use the template, though, and maybe allowing myself a more extravagant off road every once in a while. That means a damn glass of wine for me. I'm really getting serious about what I can achieve and what I can sustain for the long haul. I seriously don't want to diet anymore. I don't want to lead myself to new techniques and approaches. I've slain the sugar dragon. That's enormous. Now I just want to live, feel good in my body, and fit into my fucking clothes.

 

Speaking of which, I did go buy myself a new pair of shorts and a cute dress. Size 10. That's fine, but dammit if I didn't get rid of damn near every size 10 and larger item of clothing from my closet last year. I really don't want to resupply in that size. So I bought myself some things that fit and feel comfy with the intention that they'll simply get me to the next phase which is ME FITTING INTO MY CLOTHES, DAMMIT!! (I also bought myself a sexy nightgown and undies, because I've got to keep the inner sex goddess appeased. ;))

 

Regarding the re-feed theory . . . it's general wisdom among the WW crowd that this is precisely the case. People lose better when there are variations in the amount of food/points one eats from day to day. To be exact and consistent every day makes the body bored or something. Like exercise. You've got to change it up. Or so some think. I'm trying not to think anymore. It gets me nowhere. :(

 

And yeah, to hell with that BP coffee guy, though that coconut ice cream you made seemed to have the desired effect. :P

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M - you are so inspiring to all of us.  I hate to see you stress.  I think making peace with food is huge!  That is what I am striving for, what keeps me here despite not having awesome success with other goals.  I also wonder why I bother when I used to eat cookies and chips and alcohol without debilitating stomach pain and was the same size/weight as now.  I don't get it either.  I'm sure part of it is age for me.  And being too busy.  And messing myself up by being more and more obsessed with food, calories, logging, etc.  If finding calm around food is all I get from this, I'll take it.  I'd like to lose a few more pounds, heal all my ills, etc, but peace is top of the list and makes it worth it.  We just need to remind ourselves of that every once in a while. 

 

Good for you buying some new clothes.  Feeling comfortable and confident is so important. 

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Thank you, Jen. Calm and peace, not obsession, is indeed the goal. I guess if I'm honest I'm still trying to get there, otherwise the lack of weight loss wouldn't bother me so much.

 

I think what I really need to do is shift focus from what I'm not doing and not getting to what I am doing and am getting. It's the same thing, really, but different energy--energy that would allow me to enjoy my life more and punish myself less. Because that's why I started this whole thing to begin with: to stop punishing myself.

 

I'm in a much better place than I was yesterday. Bodypump this morning was good. Meditation was good. No writing yet, though. In fact, no writing for the past couple of days. Hmmmm.

 

Soon I'm off to visit my mom and grandmother, both of whom I expect to pass within the next year. So, it's sacred time I'll be spending with them and I plan to make the most of it. I'll continue my cleanse and I will workout every day, but I'm not going to obsess. I'm going to enjoy my time with the women who in so many ways have laid and tread the path before me.

 

I'll check back in a week or so. I hope everyone enjoys the holiday!

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It's amazing to read everybody here thinking as I do. All the reaffirmations, constantly, of my husband and kids can't relieve me of the maddening voice I have in my head that I am NOT where I want to be in regard to how I look, what size I wear,etc. And I DO miss the days of not having to think about it all the time. Or more of doing what I think I'd like to and still being in better shape than I am now. I attribute it to age,but that stinks. I'm only going to look WORSE ???!!! Please. I will admit, I don't love to exercise, but I do it anyway. I am tired of chicken, but am eating it anyway. I LOVE chocolate and beer and rarely ever give myself permission to have them. I almost feel like I am just waiting for the magic day when all my hard work suddenly shows and I am rewarded in the ways I want to be- the ways that society tells us are most important. And THAT sucks, because I know better. I know I am sleeping better, I feel completely healthy, I have no aches or pains, I am calmer with hubby and kids, more patient, have time for more things I like to do. THAT is what I need to focus on, and I DO know that. But oh geezzz... so often all I care about is fitting into my cute size 6 things I was wearing 5 years ago when I lost 90 pounds on WW. That is not the case now, and I want SO much to be ok with it... How do I do that ???

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I think sassing around in whatever clothes fit you well/loosely as if you were sassing around in the size you dream to be is a good step.  Because that is precisely the FEELING you want more of, so just get it right now.

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It seems that self acceptance is the theme of the day. Focusing on what we have accomplished. LadyM, you are making great strides in this, and all quite gracefully. I've used my weight/body to punish myself for over 45 years. Anytime you are able to stop doing this is a huge victory.

I hope that you have a good visit with your mom and Grammy.

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Hope you are enjoying your sacred time with your mom and grandmother. It's a terrible knowledge, knowing someone you love will be gone. But it does give you a chance to prioritize. I'm up here with my MIL, whom I love dearly, who was diagnosed with early stage Alzheimer's. I love chatting with her so I'm trying to make the most of that time while I can.

I agree about changing intake. While I was on WW I definitely had the most luck following a rolling points plan, forget what people call it (Wendie plan?), but you have high and low days and one really high/really low day a week. It's a way to divvy up all of your total points (including the floating ones, forget what they are called) That was the only way I budged myself off a "plateau."

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I'm back. Wonderful times and terrible times. I can see my mom and gram slipping away. I really made the most of my time with them. So much love and so much pain.

I went for long walks, meditated, slept long and well, and unfailingly kept to my cleanse though I did have salad dressing in restaurants a few times that were likely not ideal. But if that's the worst of it then I did well. It was like being a sober person around drinkers, I swear. My family eats dessert with every meal. Unbelievable. Surprisingly, they didn't give me much of a hard time about abstaining. I try not to draw attention to myself, but when my aunt served pizza, chicken noodle soup, and cake for dinner, I told her I couldn't eat any of it and she let me make myself a salad from the dregs of her fridge. I'd had a shake before we got there, so I was fine.

Still uncertain that I'm losing any weight. Still disheartened, but more determined to figure it out and to not stress about it. Spending time with various aging family members in not such great health helped me recommit to this path, regardless of its length. Because, honestly, what's the alternative? Bad health, suffering, and early death. I'm not interested in that.

So, I've got another week of this cleanse and I'm ramping up the exercise. Body pump and yoga today. I need to focus on cardio more I think. That will be my aim. And I'm seriously thinking of returning to ballet this week. I'll certainly keep you posted.

I hope everyone's been doing well. I'll get caught up with logs eventually!

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