LadyM's seduction continues (sur son propre velo)


LadyM

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Ong yes about reverting to old patterns re body image. I also often feel guilty about losing weight around my mom bc she is heavy and it's obviously a great source of pain for her (existentially as well as phsyically). So that can translate into me eating some of her donuts (not lately) our of a feeling of comraderie or support or not wanting to make her feel bad.

Screwed up family body issue stuff. But, yes! Great upshot. I struggle with that self-acceptance daily. But, baby steps.

Sounds like you did great at the wedding. One night of letting loose not bleeding into a second day is an achievement in itself.

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Thanks, as always, for the support, y'all! And yes, I am feeling good about my ability to recover quickly after the major off roading and stay consistently compliant thereafter. Containing it seems to be crucial. Learning, learning. I've been faithful to the template ever since.

 

I subscribed to a zen blog after Beets posted something from it and recently he offered a No Procrastination Challenge that I'm going to do once I'm done teaching to help provide a structure for my writing/meditation/exercise this summer. I'm kind of excited about it! Anyone interested in joining me for 30 days? (I'm looking at you, antihousecleaners--and I count myself among you, for the record :ph34r:.)

 

Ran to the co-op to pick up sweet pots, beef, eggs and spent some time last night making meat quiche and meatballs to have on hand. I know I'm setting myself up for trouble if I don't have go-to protein on hand besides canned fish. Yesterday was light on veggies except for a big salad at lunch. I need to dig into the old greens in my crisper and make some magic happen. Thinking I also need to make some makeshift magic soup with what I have on hand, even though the humidity lately has put me off soup.

 

The adjustment yesterday was good. Both SI joints were out--no wonder I was crippled! It's also starting to cause sciatica :(, which is incredibly painful. Good lord. Aren't I too young for this? Really thinking hard about what I need to do to manage this in the long term. I need to get serious about the focused strengthening exercises I know I should do as well as finding moderate exercise that will help and not harm me. Craving swimming, so I need to check when the pool opens (if it hasn't alread). Wondering, too, if I shouldn't create a healthier writing environment--and by that I mean a desk at which I stand rather than sit. Sitting is the enemy.

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I bet a standing desk would be great for you!  I still need to look into that for myself at work.  Does your chiropractor have suggestions for which types of exercise will help vs not help?  And, yes, we are too young for this.  That's why I stopped running.  I realized it was stupid to, at 35, be hobbling around with knee braces on all summer just so I could finish a race.  My knee still bugs me (there are yoga poses I just can't do on the right side that I can do fine on the left because my knee is still messed up) but for 90% of my activities, I don't feel it at all.  I just can't do tree on that side.  LOL

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That gives me hope, Jen. Living with my limitations and not becoming hopeless that it will never get better is what I'm working with right now. Staying present to the pain and realizing that, like everything, it isn't permanent.

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It came to me this morning that my goal for this summer is to SLOW DOWN and never be in a hurry. About anything. Then I got this little gem from Pema Chodron by email:

 

"When you're like a keg of dynamite just about to go off, patience means just slowing down at that point—just pausing—instead of immediately acting on your usual, habitual response. You refrain from acting, you stop talking to yourself, and then you connect with the soft spot. But at the same time you are completely and totally honest with yourself about what you are feeling. You're not suppressing anything; patience has nothing to do with suppression. In fact, it has everything to do with a gentle, honest relationship with yourself. If you wait and don't fuel the rage with your thoughts, you can be very honest about the fact that you long for revenge; nevertheless you keep interrupting the torturous story line and stay with the underlying vulnerability. That frustration, that uneasiness and vulnerability, is nothing solid. And yet it is painful to experience. Still, just wait and be patient with your anguish and with the discomfort of it. This means relaxing with that restless, hot energy—knowing that it's the only way to find peace for ourselves or the world."

 

Pretty great, huh?

 

I'm very excited to discover how practicing patience and having the courage to wait will affect my writing and my relationship with my body. This injury, certainly, and the way my body is responding to W30 (internal rather than external dramatic changes) are both forcing me to wait, whether I like it or not. Now my intention is to enjoy the process and stop trying to rush things I have no real control over anyway. Just do the work. This is applicable to my writing, obvs, and the way I care for myself.

 

God I love summer.

 

Also, found out the pool opens in one week. YIPPEEEEEE!!!!

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I've been reading along, thanks for jumping into my log.  I love your introspection, it is something I'm not so great about verbalizing.

 

Practicing patience - I like that thought.  I can be very impatient and have always thought of it as an inherent trait, but like so many other things, inherent traits can be trained.  Definitely a good thing for me to consider.

 

I also love summer.  Just the idea is so freeing - pools, beaches, weekend picnics, coffee on the deck, aaahhhh!

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I'm interested in joining you in the anti-procrastination challenge. Lord knows I need it. It's actually similar to how I was structuring my work days at the end there. Let me know a starting date and I'm all in. 

 

The comment about the sciatica is funny because when my chiropractor was checking me for it I asked "isn't that an old person's disease?" and got scolded readily! Apparently not very uncommon in those of us who train hard and really has more to do with movement patterns that need correcting.

 

Practicing patience is another thing I could always do more of. Living in this society of instant gratification sure does make it harder.

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Well, since the pool opens June 11, and my grades are due that day, I'm thinking of starting the 30 day procrastination challenge then. Does that work for you, Bethany? Anyone else want to join?

 

SI and sciatica are still terrible, but at least I have greater mobility. Back to FMD this morning. I've decided I'm going to skip graduation this year because I just cannot sit on cheap folding chairs for hours and not expect another SI setback. Cannot risk it. But there are many other meet and greet events in which I can say goodbye.

 

I've planned a night out with a couple of my TAs Friday and it will be a planned offroad, mostly for drinks, but not too many. They are beer drinkers, but I'm planning to stick to wine with dinner and maybe a cocktail after. No dessert, and sticking to template for the main. That will be my offroad for the week. Now I just hope I don't get an invitation from BFF Sunday for poolside cocktails and dancing. What a terrible thing to think! Let me change that. This means if I get a Sunday invitation for poolside cocktails and dancing, I will have a wonderful time without cocktails!

 

Yesterday I had early meals: 6:30, 11, 3:30, and my class last night did a potluck. I brought veggies, baba ghanoush, and pita chips to share. One of my students made guac--that had been a subject of his writing--and he wanted me to taste it. I broke my no eating after M3 rule to oblige, and I dipped some of the veggies I brought in it and had a few bites. Then when I got home at 9:30 I was hungry. I drank a flute of kombucha and went to bed, though I argued with myself about it. I know, though, that ultimately I always feel better in the morning if I don't eat before bed. It's like I have a better memory about my own suffering now and can act in a way that causes me less suffering.

 

Final day of teaching until the fall and rehearsal tonight. No foreseeable food obstacles!

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Good reframing of the pool/cocktail discussion.  It's a choice to feel good!  That's how I'm looking at the cabin - an opportunity to eat simply and get back into a healthy rhythm.  Not as depriving myself of treats. 

 

I struggle with the eating before bed.  I also feel better in the morning if I don't eat before bed, but if I go to bed hungry, sometimes I can't sleep.  It's a balance that I'm still working on. 

 

Summer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Congrats on being done for the year.  Jealous! 

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June 11 is my whole30 day 31 so that would work perfectly for me. I can frame that challenge within the new set of rules I've been formulating for myself for the following 30 days. 

Where has the time gone? Perfect!!

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Super into the procrastination challenge. Was thinking about jointing the zenhabits program. Have been thinking about it for about a year, but procrastinating.

Sorry about the SI joints. We are too young for this but I guess maybe not bc everyone I know has joint issues or chronic disease or auto immune issues.

Love the Pema quote. I am getting on that email list. How perfect for me--with my husband and the car and then feeling painfully envious that a friend's kid got into a "good" gifted and talented school, and feeling like I can't quite connect to the photo project for my class. Will help all.

Ahhhh. That really made me feel almost relaxed.

Till I scrolled up and read "summer is freedom," and started feeling the anxiety of heat and humidity and not being able to bare my skin or feel comfortable doing so. And also summer in the city just sucks a$$ unless you have a weekend getaway. Or really like sprinklers.

Ah well. Patience.

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Summer in the city does have its challenges, that's for sure. Reading that made me instantly think of your garden therapy, Beets. Get thee to a patch of green and stick those fingers in the dirt!

 

I had a moment over the weekend in Wisconsin in which I just lost it after leaving my 95-year-old grandmother. I pulled over at a park I used to go to as a kid and just put my body on the earth. I needed to feel something stable. Then I leaned against a giant tree and sobbed until I stopped. I looked up at the sun dappled branches swaying in the breeze and felt how deeply I need to be among living things that didn't judge me and were there to support me.

 

Even in the city you can find that.

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I'm feeling pretty meh these days, y'all. The SI/sciatica is dragging me down, and honestly, I'm feeling dumpy and disappointed and a little sorry for myself. I'll carry on, but I just felt I needed to get that off my chest.

 

Again last night I was hungry late. But after rehearsal I sipped kombucha instead of tucking into a meal or snack. I do better sleeping on an empty stomach unlike others who cannot sleep when they're hungry, so I slept well. I did wonder to myself if making these choices really matters, though--and that's the signal to myself that I'm growing weary.

 

Honestly I think it's lack of exercise. My hope is that I can do my Saturday am yoga class, then as I can tolerate it, biking and swimming. I also might start doing some careful glute and hamstring strengthening exercises at home to help stabilize my SI. My thinking is that a combination of gentle stretching through yoga (and swimming, which seems to help lengthen muscles while also providing cardio and some resistance with the water) to open up the pathway for the sciatic nerve and stabilization of the SI through strengthening the glutes and hamstrings will help rather than hinder my recovery. And with any luck, the exercise will help me feel better in my body, maybe help shift more weight, and improve my mood. I'm tired of feeling blah.

 

This too shall pass.

 

Oh, also, I'm not very interested in food. The joy in planning and prepping is out the window for the moment. Thinking I'll turn to the crotchpot and salads to get through this slump.

 

Impermanence. I keep hearing that in my head. This is not forever. Nothing is.

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I think it is normal to have ups and downs.  Lack of movement, lack of being interested in food, feeling blah are all probably different sides of one stone.  May try to do something that really makes you happy to lift out of the funk.

 

Have fun out with your TAs tonight!  :)

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I couldn't sleep last night and one thing I thought about was whining about summer in the city on your log. You are so right about the garden. I'm going tomorrow am. And also just little things, the softness of the air, the way the leaves move, and the garden.

I really can imagine throwing myself on the dirt. In my mind my diet would smell like pine needles and have deep patches of moss.

I'm guessing you are correct about lack of exercise. And also the fear of lack of exercise. I hope the swimming works for you.

How do we do the procratonation challenge? I can look at the site but only see the Sea Change thing. Have you started?

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Procrastination challenge begins Wednesday! http://zenhabits.net/procrastinateless/ I think we each come up with our parameters and maybe post them and check in about them? What do you guys think?

I drank more than was advisable last night. It was fun, but I'm suffering for it today. I should have never tried to keep up with a couple of 22-year-old guys. Ugh. Watching Bob's Burgers and the new season of Orange is the New Black May be all I can muster.

I did fine with eating, though, if that counts for anything. And I went for a couple walks and felt good afterward.

All I want to do is eat terrible things today, but I'm resisting. Think I'll track what I'm eating for accountability.

M1 meat quiche, tons of water, 8:30

M2 hunk of pork roast, sw pot w ghee, noon

M3 AF hot dogs, veg soup, crudités w mayo, apple, 4

Also, I think I agreed to a date I don't really want to go on this evening. Drinks. The last thing I want. So, have to decide what to do about that. I feel instinctively that I really need to hold myself to once a week off roading followed by strict template eating.

Blurgh.

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Feeling much better this morning. So glad I stuck to the template despite miserable cravings. It's like magic in terms of bringing me back into balance.

As for the date last night, I proposed that we go to a baseball game instead of a bar, so we did that and I drank water. It was a very nice time. Glad I pulled myself together, kept the date, and took care of myself. The more often I take care of myself in these kind of social situations, the easier it gets.

Rain, rain, rain today, so it's looking like the beach and poolside are out, but who knows. It may clear up. No drinkies for me, though. The saving grace in my graceless bout of drinking Friday night is that my limits--return to template eating immediately, and off roading happens once a week, max--are doing their job. I do need to do better sticking to my other parameters, though-- three drink max with booze and three bite rule with dessert. Working toward perfect practice, eventually. I sure as shit don't want to lose another day to a hangover for a very very long time, if ever. Neither cute nor dignified.

Lots of cooking late last night and this morning are setting me up for some new vivid flavors, exactly what I need. Cod baked with pesto mayo, kalua pork, an especially good meat quiche, chicken wings, and a bnut squash Brussels sprouts salad so far. A big bacon burger with guacamole may be in my future, too. Not sure yet what I'll do with the pound of ground beef I've defrosted. Also made some meatballs and the last of my US Wellness bacon. Happy that I'm not crazy bored with food still. I'm low on sauces and veggies at the moment, though, so maybe I'll work on that this week.

Kind of relieved it's raining today.

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Glad you conquered those cravings.  We had some friends over on Saturday and we were all discussing how overindulging just isn't  worth it anymore.  In my 20s, a hangover was a half a day affair, now it is an all day if not two day horror.  Yeah, I have no interest in that anytime soon, if ever.   ;)

 

Love how you resolved your date night issue!

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Thanks, Sara!

Definitely a learning experience for me! Drinking too much is in no way whatsoever worth it. I need to be vigilant about monitoring myself in the moment. Usually I am, but I just lost myself a bit. And yeah, it affected me the whole weekend. Boooooooo.

Also instructive, though, in the power and importance of getting right back on the template wagon. Great stuff!

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Random thoughts:

I don't think I even like drinking anymore. Need to bring back my "savor" test.

I am bored. Or is it calm? Whatever the case, my goal is to not reach toward intensity, but to sit with the calm. And write instead of filling my time with activities. Being incapacitated by my injury is helping inspire this decision.

Speaking of the injury, things are moving toward healing. Had a lovely yoga class yesterday and intend to get back to my regular yoga schedule this week. And fmd manipulated some points in my left leg that seem to have helped the sciatica. I'll see her again Thursday.

My house needs serious cleaning. It usually does this time of the term. I got started on the kitchen, and I'm tackling the clutter in my living and dining rooms next. Daily house cleaning is going on my procrastination challenge list.

Patience is the watchword this summer.

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