Look ma, no hands!

[Beets]

I could never speak another language. But I still remember the Hail Mary in French from Catholic school. Prob bc it just sounds so pretty.

Happy Memorial Day!

Potluck BBQ was fun yesterday. Lots of kids who don't have yards running in three connected yards and loving it. The weather was gorgeous. Kind of cool but dry and sunny: my kind of weather.

One of the yards had two swans in it.

Knew a bunch of people there, including most of the parents from my son's preschool coop. Some are fun. One mom kept exclaiming how much weight I've lost, which was nice at first and then embarrassing Last year at this same BBQ my daughter was not sleeping at all, I was so tired my eyes couldn't focus, she was fussing and wanting to nurse the whole time. Yesterday she was running with the big kids. Freedom.

I drank a bunch of wine. Too much. Bad wine, most of it. Drank it anyway. Lots of laughing, a few parents desperately trying to get a little drunk before we have to get our little kids in bed. (And we can all walk home! Drunk driving in the suburbs horrifies me.)

My SAHD friend was talking about his time as an extra on Dawson's Creek. He's a frustrated comedy writer, very funny and one of the few parents I can talk to in an honest way. (It's hard to make real friends when you're a grown-up.) But he's also quite depressed, not a little bitter he's not more successful in his biz. Some of his friends work on big shows and he's consumed by feelings of failure. I can totally relate to those feelings, but felt glad for my meditations, felt like I'm getting into a better mental place. Like I am learning to want what I have.

I brought some slaw (no mayo but did have cumin) and Applegate hot dogs, but the grill masters were off their game and the hot dog I got wasn't cooked through. Blech! Came home and ate a burger (GF beef/bacon blend from butcher: yum) with hm mayo and some kettle chips. I had to sit up late bc I was afraid the room would spin if i went to bed. Oops.

This morning we took the dogs to the park.

Lots of birders were out with their giant 2-foot long camera lenses. Must've been something rare. I saw some tiny songbirds, but I don't know them well enough to know which are rare.

Lovely day! My fam got breakfast bagel sandwiches. I was hungover and the idea of a greasy bagel was certainly appealing. But not the thought of feeling awful afterwards. Made myself a burger and cup of green tea.

Parents coming today. Hope we can snag some grill time in the community garden.

[Nadia B]

Learn to want what I have. Brilliant.

Kettle chips? Are you sure they are compliant

Ok, I am such an idiot! Lol. I had no clue that Kettle chips is a real thing. I thought it was a typo. Then I was this again in Mo's log. Googled it. Facepalm

[calee]

Other than feeling a bit dizzy and getting an undercooked dog, it sounds like a great event. I'm so glad your daughter was running with the big kids. Amazing to be hands free in social situations, right?

The park looks gorgeous. Did you get grill time?

[Moluv]

Learn to want what I have. Brilliant.

Kettle chips? Are you sure they are compliant

Ok, I am such an idiot! Lol. I had no clue that Kettle chips is a real thing. I thought it was a typo. Then I was this again in Mo's log. Googled it. Facepalm

Hahaha so cute

[Beets]

I bought this crazy amazing mexican chocolate yesterday. It's just cocoa beans, sugar and cinnamon. It has a kind of holey texture, like one of those aero bars (?), but also grainy, crispy. I can't describe it or stop eating it. I was a lil' hungover yesterday and kept nibbling it. Today I crossed the line and ate it after I did my exercises. (I guess this is why you eat a pre WO snack? Though "work out" is a strong word for what I did.)

Anyway. That's it for me. I'm feeling sugar coursing through me, making me weak and lethargic. Not helping that my cold bloomed into full-on upper respiratory issues.

Anyway. Making lamb and cabbage now. My little shop that sells smoked salt was out (which was how I got the chocolate). Drat! Ordering online. Must have it.

Back to AIP except egg yolks. And I will experiment with seed spices in a couple days. Jut want to see what my psoriasis does. (Of course it'll it gets worse I won't know: chocolate, cumin, white potatoes, wine?)

[Beets]

[Moluv]

^id eat that

[Jtandi]

mmmmmmm I loves me some Mexican chocolate! I make hazelnut milk for my coffee and just started adding unsweetened cocoa and cinnamon, vanilla beans, and a few dates.

sounds like you had a blast at your picnic! I am having a "welcome to summer" pot-luck on Sunday (we did it last year, it was a ton of fun) which is why I'm planning on starting my next whole30 on June 3. I plan on being pretty compliant and bringing my own hot dogs, veggies/etc but I may want to try some salads and don't feel like asking the makers what's in them.

[percypat]

Oh Pp, my writing was misleading! I know next to nothing about French lit (except reading English translations of Proust, Stendhal, Céline, and I'm working on the new Lydia Davis translation of Madame Bovary). I meant I used to be really into French literary/critical theory. Julia Kristeva was my fave. Now I can hardly read it. When you're out of practice it's like a foreign language.

Anyone who is/was into Kristeva has my respect Maybe we shouldn't have that talk: I wouldn't be able to keep up with you!

I will have to get a hold of that new translation for Madame Bovary! Thanks for the heads up. I've read two English versions of it, plus the French, and I love seeing how different translators deal with the language. It's so interesting.

[percypat]

I'm still impressed. I have a BA in French and studied some French Lit as well as art, history and the language. I almost went to grad school for French. I've also lost the skills, though. I still can't get through the alphabet without switching over to French, though.

That was me! Five years after completing my BA and working fulltime in a completely unrelated role, I went back for postgraduate study (grad school I guess) and it's the best thing I ever did. I lost so much of my oral competency but it does come back. Takes work of course but our brains are pretty amazing things.

[pjena]

That sounds like so much fun, Pp! My practical self is probably better suited to being an accountant, though, sometimes I dream of doing something different.

[calee]

Practical brain here too. Financial control. Probably why it was so dang difficult for me to give up tracking my meals and counting calories and carbs. I think I was OCD about it. Ok, I know I was.

I would love to nurture the creative side of me. It's the scary side I think, although I did make some lovely ceramic pots in the classes I took.

[Beets]

I think I need to nurture the practical side of myself.

My mom used to say, "it's like you're not concerned with earthly matters." The thing is I'm so bad at earthly matters that it causes a lot of anxiety that tends to take over everything and I never get to the creative. I'm working on getting better at practical stuff so I can give myself mental space for the rest.

Pp: Lydia Davis just won the Man Booker for a collection of short stories, which I will be reading soon. (I always read the Man Booker winner, and try to get to a few of the finalists.) She has also translated Swann's Way. I was just looking her up and found this piece she wrote in the Paris Review where she gives ten different translations of the same Flaubert phrase. http://www.theparisr...-madame-bovary/

[Beets]

So my mom brought a wedding album from my brother's wedding. He got married last June when my daughter was waking up hourly and fussing, despite co-sleeping and nursing on demand. I was exhausted and much heavier than I wanted to be.

My SIL is (I'm trying here to remember my Zencast episode that addressed right speech and not saying unkind things) less than socially adept. She's fairly thin, talks constantly about food and the horror of weight gain--regardless of audience (including me, my significantly overweight mom and my other bro's GF who's always battling her weight.)

There were three pics of me in the album: two too many. One family portrait where my eyes were closed and I look like I'm pooping, one where I'm lighting a candle with my sister and you can only see my face (fine), and a third horizontal shot of three women in a conga line--where I look like a giant red, slumping ball. And all the women I'm sure would rather set that pic on fire than ever see it again.

Maybe it's bc I'm a photographer, and I am vain, but I never ever publish or print or post unflattering photos of other women. I am excruciatingly selective when I post a pic of another woman.

Whatever. I guess I'm just pissed I didn't manage to lose weight before the wedding.

So last night I got all pissy and swore like the evil fairy in Sleeping Beauty to have my revenge. I promised tagged FB photos of her pregnant with six chins. And be more fit than her till I'm a very old lady.

Not very zen of me.

And today, just had this epiphany, I wake up and eat chocolate for breakfast, skip real food, eat chips in the afternoon. Eat dates. Crave junkfood. Want to punish myself for getting fat or not losing baby weight sooner, for being overweight at my guy friend's wedding right after my son was born where a couple guys I'd dated were gawking at how big I'd gotten since college, or maybe even not being as thin as I hoped at my own wedding. (Be your own therapist, the Zencast advises. Not that I ever have trouble psychoanalyzing myself)

Ack. So I looked like a red silk tomato at my brother's wedding. My face looked pretty in one crowd shot of me on the dance floor.

I hate how jammed up I'm getting over this. Time to move on. More Top of the Lake tonight. Clean eating tomorrow. That means no more mexican chocolate or BBQ chips.

[pjena]

It's amazing how something small like a photo can ruin a day. It's like flipping a switch. One moment I'm fine and then something small happens and Boom I'm not fine. I hate that! I'm sorry you aren't happy with the photos. I like your revenge though - be fitter than her for the rest of your life. Of course chocolate and chips won't get you that result... but one day won't ruin your chances, either. Be kind to yourself tonight and tomorrow. You deserve it!

[Beets]

I feel so childish for letting it get to me. Such petty mean feelings!

But even though I'm almost 30lbs smaller than I was at the wedding, in my head I now look like the me in those photos.

[Physibeth]

Just remember that you are the healthier person, mentally and physically and that can't be taken away from you by anybody but yourself! Body issues are so hard and I'm glad you realized that your eating today was directly related to your reaction. I agree that a professional photographer should have buried those bad pictures and should have done their best to ensure there was a good picture of the family. At the end of the day though what will matter in years to come is that you were there to share in the occasion not how you looked in the photos. I do a lot of scrapbooking and I've talked myself into including lots of pictures of myself I'd rather not because the children I will (God willing) have one day will care that I was there and that I lived not how fat I was in the photograph.

*hugs*

[Moluv]

Oh, this nasty thing is just making the rounds isn't it...

**hugs**

[kew]

FWIW I want to second Physibeth's comment. I spend some time every so often trying to get my photographs in order - 15+ years of photos from before I had family, and now nearly 7 years with kids. And the photos I took when I was on my own never have people in them. Never. And some of them are beautiful scenery, but they feel meaningless now. I'd much rather have pictures of people now -- family, friends -- and I just didn't realize it then.

Also, I have a picture of an informal reunion with my highschool posse around the time that would have been our 25 reunion, give or take. And on that day, I was feeling pretty good about my looks -- good haircut, no double chin, toned arms.... But the takeaway from the photograph? I am the only one not smiling, and I'm not smiling because I thought my face looked thinner when I was not smiling..... And when I look at the picture now, I think, what a waste of a smile!!

[Beets]

Thanks guys.

Physibeth, it is really hard for me to not delete pics of myself. When my son had to bring in a pic of the two of us for a Mother's Day craft I was at a loss and had to take a pic with my phone.

There was a post circulating around FB about moms posing for photos for/with their kids. It was good and I swore to be more ok with photos of myself but it's hard.

I always let photos really get to me. They have too much power over my brain.

[Physibeth]

I remember that post going around facebook and I remember posting it to my weight loss group on LoseIt at the time. It is so important...our history. We must remember that we are all beautiful and those who love us most look at our photos and see the person we are and not the image. I love when I look at photos of my friends and family all the memories and nuances and quirks that make me love them. A photo is just an object, it only has power over you when you let it.

[Beets]

Kew, I would be ok if I looked happy and heavy. But closed eyes and drooling on myself?

Oh Lordy.

I was looking at some pics of me from my late 20s the other day. I was thin and fit but probably consumed with the thought I needed to lose 5lbs and so was hunching my shoulders, trying to look smaller but just looking unsure of myself. Absurd.

[Beets]

. I love when I look at photos of my friends and family all the memories and nuances and quirks that make me love them. A photo is just an object, it only has power over you when you let it.

Truth!

[baker-in-exile]

The talk about photos pulls at my heartstrings. I have spent SO many years hiding from the camera because I hated the way I look...but now I look back at the 6+ years of my kids' lives and I hate more that I have so few pictures of me and them, or our whole family...

I always thought "We'll take family photos once I lose X lbs" and it never happened. I do not have a SINGLE picture of me pregnant with my youngest - and it was such a beautiful and life changing pregnancy and it breaks my heart that I don't have any photographs to remember it by (at least I kept a journal during the whole thing)...I was still battling my lack of self confidence. I still am...I've been snapping selfies lately, it's such a weird thing to see my face that way...but I have decided to save my pennies and hire a good family photographer soon because I want pictures of me and my husband and our babies now. At this time in our life. It's going by too fast to waste on self-consciousness.

Physibeth is so RIGHT - the photo only has power over you when you let it.

All of us moms need to remember...when we're gone, our kids probably won't notice if we were a bit overweight in pictures with them, but they for sure will notice if there aren't any pictures of mom.

[LadyM]

You know what's awesome, though? You were out there in the conga line. Not putting your life on hold until you were thin.

These snapshots capture moments in time--kind of like the scale does--that shift and change every nanosecond. And we can't be in control of what others see. The best we can do is keep working on being in control of how we feel. That's what really matters.

Sorry it was a rough one.