Look ma, no hands!

[kew]

Kew, I would be ok if I looked happy and heavy. But closed eyes and drooling on myself?

Don't get me wrong -- I'd delete (and be angry about ever seeing) the closed eye/drooling picture, too!! But to actively avoid being in pictures to avoid the possibility of an unflattering photograph is just silly and even selfish, I have come to see. If, god forbid, something were to happen to me, and there were no recent pictures of me for my husband and kids....good grief. And yet, even with that rattling around my brain, I still have trouble being on the other side of the lens.....I wish I could see myself with the total love that I see for me in my kids' eyes.

[Beets]

Thanks for the comments.

So much of my identity is wrapped up in being attractive (sad but true) that I have a hard time seeing a photo where I look heavy as being me.

After losing eight before getting pg with my daughter I was feeling great, till I saw photos my SIL (other side) had taken. My poor husband was subjected to a week of "is that really what I look like????" I was depressed for days.

I also have issues with my wedding photos. I didn't want to be one of those brides who diets down to an impossibly tiny size she never was or will be again. But I did want to be a little more fit. Our wedding was so much fun. Almost ten years later and every time we go to a wedding with anyone who was at ours people always say, "your wedding was the best." (It was a several day thing at an orchard, relaxed, pig roast, all the factions got along.)

But still there are only a few pics I like.

I have a couple photos with my son that I like. Very few with my daughter. No recent ones.

----

Had bacon burger last night w mayo, salad with avo dressing. Woke up and had green tea, bone broth, double helping fCLO, last of the pâté with radishes.

I'm going back on AiP. My psoriasis looks more scaly. My cough seems to be coming to an end (hacking up phlegm) but I'm sick of feeling run down.

[Moluv]

Ok Beets try this. Set up your camera to video (flip the screen so you can see) and then just go about your business doing something you enjoy. Bopping around the kitchen to music, twirling in a dress, fiddling with your computer or other camera, playing with your kids. Then watch the video and take a screenshot at your most flattering, happy moment. I am convinced this is a way to gain some appreciation for a body that carries you through a life you have no choice but to embrace.

[Moluv]

FWIW, my SIL is queen of taking bad photos and posting them on fb. I just untag myself and carry on. I view it more of a fault of hers for taking crappy photos than mine for looking less than flattered.

[Nadia B]

Beets, I've just got to read the thread from yesterday. My mind is bubbling. I feel every word you are saying. Hugshugshugs. I used to expert my photos with a magnifying glass and I always found some part of me to be depressed about. It got worse when I started my diet obsession. I felt disgusted by old pictures (is that what I used to be like?) and depressed by recent (is that what I look like?).

I started Latin dancing at the same time. Every social practice they had a photographer and posted reports on the website/FB. I wanted to cry after every outing. It looked like every other girl had perfect hair or perfect arm frame. It looked like I am the only one who sweats. I was the only one who had weird facial expression. I was agonizing over my rolls or other fleshier parts. I was thinking - if this is my best shot, what kind of unpublished photos they have? I swore that I won't subject myself to this public humiliation anymore. Once they've posted a picture where I laugh, but I was horrified. Sweaty hair, chubby cheeks and fat calves. This picture blew up the thread. Everyone was commenting on how happy I look. Guys were saying that I always look so focused as I am afraid to screw up and that finally I look real. Next dance party I promised myself to dance as there is no camera. I felt free and happy. There were really ugly shots after. All I had is the feeling of regret about how much I was missing by trying to be perfect if the camera catches me.

More about happy comments. When I got myself to the lowest weight possible I was at some sort of peace (wouldn't call it peace now). I started to post pictures of myself/leave tags again. Imagine my surprise when my friends back home attacked me with comments that I look exhausted and tired. They were concerned. And I thought I am skinny and pretty.

Sorry for talking so much about me. My point is that it's a lot of work to change self perception. It's not something that will magically change if our weight/insert anything else changes. Just as whole30 teaches us to use different parameters to measure health we have to find our happy/not happy criteria that defines the "beauty" of the shot. Take care of yourself, please! More hugs here.

P.S Some people just.can't.take.pictures. Like when they take a camera they turn blind.

[Beets]

Thanks Nadia. I don't mind you talking about yourself at all! I am happy to know I'm not the only person who freaks out about photos like I do.

When I get thinner, all I can see is how old I look. So, yeah, the only thing I can change is my state of mind.

[Beets]

Keep thinking of a friend's words: Alcohol is truly a depressant for me.

Burger, lettuce, avo dressing for dinner. And a glass of rosé. Wee glass I only took a sip from. Chest still congested but I coughed up a half a cup of phlegm today. Down today, which is making me want sugar, which is making me feel down, on and on. Ate more chips this afternoon. Wtf. They are groovy chips but still they are chips and crap food. Make me feel bad, etc., etc.

Oh god those bad photos, making me feel bad about being heavy, like it's a moral failing, a crime against myself. Plus the booze this weekend. And the sugar.

I think I will do a W20. June 3- June22 (birthday). I want to feel my best on my birthday, not like this, not down on myself. I never felt tiger blood. Maybe it's not in my constitution. But I'd like to give it one more shot.

[calee]

When I get thinner, all I can see is how old I look. So, yeah, the only thing I can change is my state of mind.

Hey, wait till you get to be my age!

[calee]

Keep thinking of a friend's words: Alcohol is truly a depressant for me.

Burger, lettuce, avo dressing for dinner. And a glass of rosé. Wee glass I only took a sip from. Chest still congested but I coughed up a half a cup of phlegm today. Down today, which is making me want sugar, which is making me feel down, on and on. Ate more chips this afternoon. Wtf. They are groovy chips but still they are chips and crap food. Make me feel bad, etc., etc.

Oh god those bad photos, making me feel bad about being heavy, like it's a moral failing, a crime against myself. Plus the booze this weekend. And the sugar.

I think I will do a W20. June 3- June22 (birthday). I want to feel my best on my birthday, not like this, not down on myself. I never felt tiger blood. Maybe it's not in my constitution. But I'd like to give it one more shot.

Bravo! Seems like a good decision to me. I will be right there with you. I've battled poor self image my entire life. So much self hatred, enough for a lifetime. I'm done with that. Daily I find something to appreciate. It's difficult to hate when we are a ppreciating. Find one thing that you love about your body. Focus on that. Don't wait till you're ancient. Love yourself today.

Today I am so grateful for my 90 minute walk in the woods. My legs worked perfectly.

[Beets]

Calee you look beautiful in your photo! You remind me of Emmylou Harris--someone who just always stays gorgeous. Good bone structure.

I'm glad you'll be whole whatevering with me. I was starting to feel like I was the only one in our AIP group who isn't ready to leave whole-ing, which made me happy for everyone else but also wonder why I was "behind." Silly! Of course we are all in different places in this journey. Just glad we were all able to come together in such a helpful, honest way.

[pjena]

W20 seems like a good idea. You seem stuck in a downward spiral and I think this will pull you out. You derseve to feel good about yourself! From reading these forums it seems like most people need more than one W30 and reintros to figure out what works for them. We've just done our first one. We may have many more to go! It's a journey and we'll continue to learn each time. Hang in there!

[calee]

Calee you look beautiful in your photo! You remind me of Emmylou Harris--someone who just always stays gorgeous. Good bone structure.

I'm glad you'll be whole whatevering with me. I was starting to feel like I was the only one in our AIP group who isn't ready to leave whole-ing, which made me happy for everyone else but also wonder why I was "behind." Silly! Of course we are all in different places in this journey. Just glad we were all able to come together in such a helpful, honest way.

Darling girl, we aren't behind, just craving something that perhaps others are not craving. For me it's radiance and vibrancy. At 62 I have sampled every food and every diet. I wish I had found Paleo decades ago when I was doing Atkins for so many years. This feels so much better organically as a process of good health. There is no right or wrong, better or worse to the path we choose, just whether we choose for the right reasons for ourselves. I love the liberation of the W30 process and see no reason to stop. Of course there are foods that I would love to put in my mouth because I still love a good "party in my mouth" but it's so not worth it. Besides, the cherries are fabulous this year!

So, carry on...... And cheers to the next 30!

[LadyM]

I'm in with the Wwhatever. I just hopped back on after my giant isolated off road Sunday. I am still not entirely convinced of W30s magic for me, but I'm also not convinced there isn't magic to be had. My sugar monster is slayed. Maybe that's magic enough. Now I need to get back to moving and drinking more water and eating more leafy greens and not obsessing. W30 is second nature now, really, so I think I can chill with it a bit. I want liberation, I really do. And I believe wholeheartedly that your liberation is wrapped up in mine and mine in yours. It's not each of us, but all of us.

[Beets]

Thanks you guys. I'm gonna do it. Feel better even making that plan. The only issue for me now is the temptation to eat off template in the next couple days.

I know: start now. But my daughter's 2nd birthday is tomorrow. No plans for a big cake or party, but I did want to try the AIP raspberry cheesecake on Paleo Mom's site. (From Mickey--forget her website. She has the AIP cookbook.) On Sat we go to my brother's where we will have a brunch party. I will bring food. But I might have a glass of fruity sangria/seltzer.

Read this today on Twitter from Joyce Carol Oates: "Happiest time is early morning soon after dawn when the day has "begun" & nothing has yet been squandered, regretted, or lost to irony."

Made me feel envious. I don't start the day fresh. Hardly ever. I'm full of anxiety about the day and regrets from the day before. But I should start the day like that. Something to shoot for.

[calee]

Read this today on Twitter from Joyce Carol Oates: "Happiest time is early morning soon after dawn when the day has "begun" & nothing has yet been squandered, regretted, or lost to irony."

Beautiful! Thank you so much for posting that Beets. I love it! I want that as my signature.

[Physibeth]

Perhaps start today with just staying Paleo but not necessarily W30 which allows for paleofying and than transition into your W20 on June 3rd. It seems most of the things you are struggling don't fall under the more general Paleo label either so doing that should help ease you back into the more strict rules.

[Jtandi]

come join our whole30 group - one already started, a couple start on the 1st, a couple will start on the 3rd. you can join us until the 22. it's an awesome group of women and, for me, it has been my saving grace. we all did our whole100 together and need a "reboot" - and we just finished that April 10th!

I have been following along with your and everyone else with these posts. a co-worker just posted a photo of me when I started my job. my face was SO puffy, I looked horrible. and she tagged me. on facebook. and I know there was no malice intent, but when I saw myself I was so embarrassed. I would take pics with the family but would crop out most of my body or try to crop out part of it to make myself look thinner. I was certain it was the camera. or the angle. or that I wasn't photogenic.

I wish I had more photos of myself, too, for the memories. I look at photos of people I know and realize that they aren't "heavy" or "thin" (for the most part), instead when I look at them I think about who they are as a person, what they mean to me, how they make me laugh, etc.

before I even started this process I made decision that I would have cake 4 times a year - my birthday, my husband's, and each of my girl's. yesterday was my husbands. so I understand about the party. we don't have to change everything now. we just have to do a little and keep moving.

SO, 30 days of awesome! come on!! I am starting on the 3rd

[Beets]

Physibeth, thanks for the suggestion. I'm pretty much back on plan today, though I did put some grass-fed heavy cream in a coffee I drank a third of this am. I'm out of yesterday's "woe is me" spiral. Thanks to all the support here.

I hardly ever think of my diet as "paleo." I know it's semantics but I prefer--like Nadia wrote on her blog--to think of myself eating nutrient-dense food. I was talking to a friend about my w30 and encouraging her to try it (she eats mostly this way anyway). She said it sounds good but then wrote, "but I don't want to be like my dad and try every fad diet for the next thirty years."

I don't think of it as a fad, but is rather just not even grapple with the various connotations of the word.

Jess, thanks for the invite. I think I will join you guys but I think our little mini-AIP group is also morphing into something more long-term. But the more support of fabulous women the better! I am glad I'm not the only one with photo issues, but it's sad that this is an epidemic.

[LadyM]

I think of it as nutrient dense and protein adequate. I was doing the Eat to Live nutrient dense thing, but it's just about vegan--and that is so not where it's at for my body. I've gotten a little further away from the focus on nutrient-dense veggies than I'd like lately. So thinking of it this way and not as a fad--certainly not if we continue to eat this way the rest of our lives, which is what I envision--is very helpful.

It also helps to think before we put anything in our mouths, "Is this full of nutrients?" If not, why eat it? I am totally there.

[Beets]

Yes. Right. I also dabbled in Eat to Live. (Entry level. It was that combined with Mark Bittman's idea to be "vegan before six." So I'd eat a bit of meat with dinner most nights.)

But that didn't feel sustainable to me like this does.

[calee]

I think of it as nutrient dense and protein adequate. I was doing the Eat to Live nutrient dense thing, but it's just about vegan--and that is so not where it's at for my body. I've gotten a little further away from the focus on nutrient-dense veggies than I'd like lately. So thinking of it this way and not as a fad--certainly not if we continue to eat this way the rest of our lives, which is what I envision--is very helpful.

It also helps to think before we put anything in our mouths, "Is this full of nutrients?" If not, why eat it? I am totally there.

I did Eat to Live too. I was a vegan from 1989-1997, the did Atkins until raw vegan from 2004-2007. I did every other diet in between those.

What I love about the Whole 30 is that it feels like a healing food plan, not a diet. When I get to add back in eggs, nuts and a bit of occasional dairy and a square of dark chocolate, I'll like that too!

[baker-in-exile]

Oooh!! me too!! I'd be up for a whole-something-less-than-30. I've been feeling a little listless since the end of my w30. I ate two binge-y things today and don't feel horribly guilty for it, more just "eh, don't want to get into that habit." Big birthday bash is in less than 1 month, I'd like to be mostly w30 (maybe with butter) between now and about a week before that...

[Beets]

Join in Laura! More the merrier.

So today is my little girl's second birthday. Sweetness. I love this age. I just want to eat her up. I think I'll post a real camera pic tmrw. (Pic attached below. I don't know why pics sometimes get screwed up from my phone.)

A few years ago my husband had his own high-end residential design/contracting co. (When I stopped working the recession had hit and he needed something more stable, his partner left the country, sketchiness.) He did an apartment for a Kazhakh real estate developer--very fancy, in the same building as Beyonce, floor-to-celing windows with view of Central Park, etc.

Occasionally this guy's person calls my husband to update his place. Of course you cannot have a TV or couch or stereo system for more than two years in any one of your five homes! This year we've gotten a flat-screen 3D TV (if it was up to me we wouldn't have a TV--but I gotta admit movies look amazing), a high-end amplifier that syncs all the speakers --and now these über nice Knoll couches. ($4k each, new). We had to pay $300 cash to a mover, which sent my bank acct into negative land. However, I will never be able to otherwise afford a couch like this.

We went from dark brown leather to a dreamy pale gray boucle, open on the bottom, slides out into a bed, steel frame. Clean and modern. Yay! I feel like a grown up. And our apt feels much bigger. Well except I can't afford food this week. Ack. We will figure something out. I'll post a bunch of kid clothes on eBay or something.

Husband and I enjoying the new couches. He was home for most of the day so that was a treat.

[calee]

Beets, you're gorgeous! The couches are lovely and the baby is the cutest ever!

[Beets]

My DD, birthday girl.

Two years ago we had the dreamiest day at home with her, brand new and so tiny.