Nadia's PW30. "Let's fix it" journey.

[Susan W]

Oh I thought about floral top woman but I wasn't sure she wore that. Back to look again.

[Nadia B]

Whine alert!

 

The only good thing is my breakfast so far – squash mashed with walnut oil and ground turkey in lettuce cups. Broth with smoked salt.

 

I feel like total crap. I need to whine. Sorry everyone. I didn't sleep this night. One more night has gone to the sleep debt. I am very sore and cranky. No make up statement is not valid anymore. I keep breaking out.  My place is a mess because I don't spend time there. I will always choose running around the city doing stuff I enjoy like exhibitions (like Early Renaissance one yesterday. Hand painted manuscript of Dante's Divine Comedy aaaaa), movies (watched The Great Gatsby finally), gym, dancing, you name it over cleaning. However my inner neat freak who has scarves organised by color/fabric is screaming. Unfortunately I will not have any free time in the nearest future, my schedule is packed. I can't live in a mess because it makes me sick to my stomach.

 

Speaking of stomach. I won't get into details, but it's bad and embarrassing. It hurts all the time. Night and day. I feel pregnant. Even water makes me bloated. Will this ever end? I feel that I am gaining weight on top of that. I was eating more starches and fruits recently. I had a bit of a fat feast with my crazy cravings. My questions is not how to get back to my comfort weight, it's all easy. My questions are “Do I have to stay away from starches/fruits forever, because the speed the weight creeps in if I up those foods is astonishing?†and â€Am I still metabolically broken?†I guess wearing the tiniest size 24 jeans wasn't the smartest idea. I would be happy to blame it on PMS…wait a minute…I still didn't get my period.

 

It's freaking cold and windy. I am sleepy. I tipped 198 dollars at the coffee shop this morning, like buying a coffee wasn't bad enough. I punched in my pin code too early because I wasn't paying attention to what the machine was asking me. Luckily the barista remembered me when I came back an hour later and we figured it out. Sobbing.

 

Ok, second good thing about today is the new song by David Lynch and Lykke Li. 

Yours truly, "woman in the floral top". 

[Moluv]

Hard times sorry girl, it will get better right

[LadyM]

Why do the low lows always follow the highs?

 

Sleep appears to be a MAJOR necessity. What if you focused on getting that back where it needs to be for a week before going nuts tweaking your food further?

 

*hugs*

[calee]

Sleep baby girl sleep in any free moment. Everything appears easier after sleep.

I am eating fruit and sweet potatoes because I refuse to give them up if I can avoid it. I will carry those couple pounds of water weight rather than be grumpy that I can't eat cherries.

I have a feeling your messy house, isn't! As long as you're not neglecting your booch offspring, who the heck cares.

Sorry you're feeling exhausted and crappy!

Hugs!

[Beets]

Wow. Those manuscripts are amazing! I mostly like contemporary art but I also really love to look at the old manuscripts and medieval art. Such detail, so many hours of hard work. I'm dead tired too, dropping off to sleep an he later than I planned,, just wanted to say I hope tomorrow is better.

[percypat]

Oh Nadia!  I wish I knew how to make it better so I could tell you exactly what to do.  Hope the sleep fairy finds you very very soon and that your tummy comes right, in the meantime be kind to yourself.  

 

Gorgeous manuscripts ...   makes me miss my old area!  

[Nadia B]

Thank you, sweet people. It is still bad. I slept for an hour and then woke up. Couldn't go back to sleep so I read till 3am. Woke up at 5. Insane tummy aches all the time. I feel terrible. Two meetings outside the city with me team. Had breakfast in the elevator. Ate avocado in the car. Hungry sleepy and pretty much dying. First town was so pretty and full of antique stores. Got a box for more herbs, orange flower pot and polka dot plate.

Official video is out. I am there like for 1 second though I am in the front row. Whatever, you get te idea.

[Physibeth]

Awesome Nadia! I saw you quite a few times including some nice close ups where you could definitely tell you were dancing your heart out. 

[Moluv]

Am I missing the link to the vid?

[Nadia B]

Hm video is right there. P, I think you are confusing me with someone. I am literaly 1 second there in purple converse and floral top. More pis and my friend called me to tell that he saw me on tv. Lol. I don't care, I had souch fun.

[Nadia B]

Oh just looked from tapatalk, video is not visible. Onle with safari.

[calee]

Fabulous but the camera should have stayed on you more! You were glowing and vibrant! Loved it

[Moluv]

I saw you lots!! Awesome, got me all teared up!! I love dancing so so much 

 

I hope you feel better soon too, highs and lows, highs and lows

[Derval]

Love it!

[Physibeth]

I'm pretty sure that was you I kept seeing. The only floral shirt I saw. And Moluv saw you lots too so I'm not the only one. Unless you have a doppelganger in there that we don't know about.

[Nadia B]

Guys you are all so sweet. Yes, those manuscripts. So much work in these details. It's my 5th time there and I still haven't seen all. I am into 19th century art myself but these books and frescoes. Ah. Reminds me lovely Florence. I live in a magic place - between Center of Art and Performance (where national ballet resides) and National Gallery. 5 minutes to both. I am so lucky, because my rent is super cheap for this fancy area. Total accident.

Lows lows but I hope that I will get back to normal soon. I ate lunch out with my team and clients, I am pretty sure that tomato sauce on th ribs was crapy, I was sure that sweet potato fries were crapy. I slept at the back seat on the way home. Ate pork roast standing at the oven. I mixed a giant comfort food bowl - roasted squashes, loads of ghee, coconut cream and cinnamon. Warmed up and ate in bed. I have to get up and go to the theater. The play with John Malkovitch I was waiting forever. I want to eat ghee straight from the jar and stay in bed instead. Nadia, get your ass off the couch!

Did I tell you you are very sweet to cheer me here? I think I did. Uhuhu

[percypat]

I definitely saw you at least three times!  Looked awesome

 

It kind of sounds like you do need to stay in bed and eat a delicious bowl of sweet potato and ghee.  I know you are miss busy-pants, but I hope you can give yourself a night off soon to stay at home and recuperate!

 

PS Okinawan sweet potatoes are wondrous!  Pretty to look at and delicious to eat.  Not doing very well at cutting sweet potato consumption but not really caring when they taste so nice

[missmary]

I'm a little late to the party, but I wanted to say how fun it was to watch the dance video--I saw you, in your floral shirt, and you looked radiant and happy. very cool. You inspire me. I hope you are feeling better too; please take care of yourself, restless girl.

[kb0426]

I got chills watching the video and saw you at least 3 times .  Love the smile on all of the dancers faces!  

[Nadia B]

I am so happy you liked it. Cave eating, cave dancing. Today is the worst day ever. Like ever. I am copying all the stuff I typed on my iphone over these days while running around the city. My honest advice? Just look at the pictures, they are pretty and happy. Maybe read about how we've danced on a hangers at the ballet class. Literally. 

 

 I feel like crap. Digestive issues, crazy acne, some weight paranoia and all that jazz. I must stay on a super restricted AIP version. I still can not have a tiny bite of off list food. I just have to admit it. It just pisses me off so much that I try so hard and it doesn't get much better. 

I try to stay positive, keep myself busy with exciting stuff and focus on the beautiful things around me. Key word is “tryâ€, because it's damn hard to ignore the fact that pretty much everything I eat or drink sends my body into havoc.

[Nadia B]

Roses are red, violets are blue

Saturday was a party for my medial orbito-frontal cortex (area in our brains which is activated when we experience beauty). I have my own pyramid of needs where experiencing beauty goes right to the physiological level. You'll see what I mean. Tons of pictures below.

I've started Saturday with a cup of bone broth, nice breakfast bowl (rutabaga, chard, apple/sage pork) and a glass of booch. Same old same old. I wish I had time to cook something new and awesome. Nevertheless, I really like the sense of creativity and adventure while throwing stuff into one skillet and tasting it after.

I was feeling weak and slow (didn't sleep again), but I went to the gym regardless. It was ok, because moving is what I love doing. Not only I felt that my performance was not at it's best, but I felt strange pain in my knee so I abstained from jumping.  Skipped stretch (blasphemy!) and ran for the market I was volunteering at. I've picked up a gf arepa (corn really) with pork, caramelized onions and avocado on my way there. I haven't eaten the corn bun, but I am sure I've got some of it with the other bites. I've volunteered at the flower market. First outdoor flower market featuring products from local Ontario greenhouses. I was given a cute green apron and a task to help around.

It was a great experience. I've learned a lot about some plants, I watched happy smiling people with giant bunches of flowers, I inhaled sweet smell of peonies and admired bright irises. I've also met a former colleague who has very unexpectedly asked me out. I was caught off guard and agreed. I really don't know how to be honest, show respect and say no all at once.  Well at least he is smart and funny, so it will be ok. Now, flowers pictures!

I ended up buying some for my own place too. Usually plants die in my apartment in several days. My recent success with herbs encouraged me to give it another try. I bough one pot for Mom too. I walked home (1 hour walk) with a box of flowers. Everyone was smiling at me. I was smiling back. I stopped by the vintage and antiques street market on my way home and enjoyed sun and live music at the rooftop. I love Toronto in summer.

By the time I got home I was quite hungry. I fried a sausage, heated up some squash and made a salad. The minute I was ready to eat it all my Mom called to say that they have parked near my apartment and ask to come down. We didn't agree to meet on Saturday. My parents are planning freaks. If they planned to go from A to B, stopping by at point C is unacceptable, because no one has planned it. I ran down in panic. Imagine my surprise when they happily gave me container with l/o grilled meat and two freshly smoked mackerels. Turned out that they went for a picnic together and decided to feed me on the way back. Dad was reporting that they've eating this much meat and this much veggies and that he drinks my kombucha all the time. I nearly cried because last week I was pleading him to eat something but he couldn't. I ate grilled meat standing near the car and chatting with them. I've decided to skip the Gatsby Party (dressing up when you are bloated like hell is no fun) and went to bed hoping for a good sleep.

[Nadia B]

Dancing on the hanger

Good sleep thing didn't happen. Woke up from tummy aches several times. Nothing new. I had simple breakfast of mashed butternut squash (no ghee sob), lettuce/avocado and a rooster sausage. I've checked the spices with the staff but I feel that it might have had something irritating because I got insane ache right after. I mean the rest of the meal is AIP perfect.

Later I went to my ballet class and felt pain in the knee again. Class was awesome. As usual. It's getting more though each week. It looks like we are not doing much, but everyone sweats like a pig. It's so much internal work. Several rounds of petit battement will set your hamstrings on fire, believe me! Ballet education minute.  Battement (reads [batmä]) means “beating†in French. Basically it's an extension of the leg to the front, side, or back, either repeatedly or as a single movement. Petit battement is a “small beating†- a movement in which one leg is extended and lightly moved forwards and backwards from the ankle of the supporting leg. Tough part is that your thigh and upper leg have to remain still. Then we practiced jumps. Echappe (dancer starts in fifth position and jumps to finish in a demi-plie) - changement (a jump where the feet change positions) sequence en croise (legs look crossed from the audience-body facing diagonal front).

I sound like a mad woman, eh? If you have troubles visualizing this it's ok, just believe me that it's damn damn damn hard because it requires lots of precision. The best part of the class was dancing…on a hanger. Yes, regular hanger from the closet. We had to tuck it underneath our tops so the hook would be around the back of the head. The purpose of this “torture device†is to alert you when your posture is not correct. So cool.

I met my friend after the class. Walked with her to the coffee shop in my neighborhood, went to the book swap coffee shop (had a raspberry/black currant smoothie as they swore it had berries and ice only, it was too sweet, I could feel it) and then went to the AGO (Art Gallery of Ontario) again. While she was gazing at the books from Florence, I went to see little collection of posters by Toulouse-Lautrec. Then she convinced me to try a dragon fruit. I've always thought it's sickenly sweet. Imagine my surprise when it tasted very light and fresh. It looks pretty awesome too. I think I can add it to salads.

We walked more after, did some shopping and bought tickets to Stereophonics (I had a crush on all of them back in school hehe). I went back home, made dinner (cauliflower, sauerkraut, beef liver with oyster mushrooms) and bottled two jars of kombucha. It would be a great weekend if only my digestion could do better.

[Nadia B]

All things bright (whining alert)

You know my mantra about “it sucks but I pretend it's ok and look at the bright side of thingsâ€. I've been trying hard to do things that make me happy,  go places to see things that make me happy and surround myself with things that make me happy. Today I am making another try.

 

Today I am being (trying to?) happy about all things bright around me. I have a slight obsession with orange.  Such a happy color and it's all round in my (a bit kitschy) apartment. My big effort today that hopefully will keep me sane.

 

I've reached my limit. Honestly. I can't take it anymore and I feel that I am steps away from going insane. I cried 3 times today. Maybe I am being melodramatic, but who wouldn't in my place? Imagine you wake up from the stomach ache and go to drink a glass of water. You are immediately bloated. Stomach starts to ache soon after. You go to take a shower and it hurts to wash your face, because it's inflamed. It hurts to wash hair as well, because scalp is inflamed in several places too. Then you brush your hair and notice that they've started to fall off again. You'd be happy to blame it on PMS, but you haven't your period even after hormone intervention for 2 months. Then you go to the kitchen and cook breakfast. It's good and healthy, and tasty but your tummy hurts with every bite. You feel that you've gained weight and it may or not be a skinny girl paranoia. Part of it's puffiness and digestive distress, of course. It doesn't cancel out the fact that all your clothes feels tight. Your tummy gets upset at the office. You have a wicked headache. Your knee burns from an unknown injury or join inflammation, you can't really figure it out, it just hurts. I can't solve this puzzle. I am sick of being sick. I repeat it too many times. 

 

[LadyM]

Nadia, you are truly amazing, lady. I admire the way you keep trying so hard to do everything right despite the continuous suffering. I'm glad you find and create so much joy in your day-to-day life. I don't know what to say except I wish you peace. Any yin yoga, meditation, or yoga nidra on tap? I swear by Rod Stryker's recorded yoga nidra. It always helps me reset--and it will also provide deep rest even if you don't sleep.

 

Sending big hugs and kisses!!