Nadia's PW30. "Let's fix it" journey.

[Nadia B]

The more support and kind words I get from you, the more "oh come on, get your s together, you are so melodramatic, Nadia, you should be ashamed" I get in my brain. Which is wonderful, thank you friends. Whoa this thing really got me. Headache and nausea that won't go away. 

 

I think what really stroke me is that I thought that at least I will have SOME evidence that I was doing things right. I mean I've changed 360 in these two years and I wanted to see it. I wanted to hear it from the professional. Instead I got "you are exactly the same way you were". Unhealthy. I am trying to find any explanation, how come that my muscle mass has not increased? 

 

I like this gym, they are coming from the Strong First philosophy, performance and movement matter, there is not a single really skinny girl who goes there (except those who are naturally thin build). They are all for proper nutrition - eat girl if you want to keep up in the gym. Kristina said that let's focus on injury-free goal (commitment to the foam rolling and working on my ankle), working my way up into regular sprints and tracking all my weights to determine where I am strength wise. 

 

I gather that hatred and resentfulness will not improve my bf/lm ratio, so this gotta stop. If it did, I would be a supercrazylean chick, that's for sure. Stay calm and focused on the bigger picture. Maybe I needed this shock therapy to dig deeper. Next test is in 3 months. 

[Nadia B]

Also - world would be such a better place if I spent nearly as much energy on giving to my friends, family or community as I spend on analyzing numbers on my screen to the point of insanity. Seriously, I don't want to remember my 20s as one big meltdown about fat percentage, good riddance. 

[Nadia B]

I'll keep streaming thoughts here untill I calm down completely. I was thinking about the post beautiful Mary did, about how she leaned on health habits in moments of stress. I excpected to find myself emotionally eating to the point of shame and guilt. Like a pint of ice cream with a cupcake in one sitting. The worst I got was apple cider at the concert (only alcho I like but I am so puffy and achy the day after, kinda not worth it), coconut macaroon (2) and a jar of organic greek yogurt. Went to buy a treat and came back with a pack of fish roe. I almost jumped from happiness when I saw it at my fish monger. What a weirdo. I went and bought lots of food, got an approximate meal plan (sick of buying food every day) and made sure to pick the most nutrient dense stuff I have abandoned. I have completely neglected organ meats (wag of a finger) or oily fish (even salmon tbh). Bought cod liver oil, enzymes and charcoal. Treats must go, I am totally dependant on a 3 pm little something. So does a jar of freshly made spiced apple butter (4lb apples for 1$). Should I feel bad for feeding J all the stuff I can't have? Apples with honey is not the worst I figured. Maybe it will go with pork chops. Huhum.

Trying to organize my food, watching sneaky carb dense bites I don't need and doing just a bit of tracking that I would like. All good. Now fish roe mnonmnommnmmnmmm.

[Beets]

Love your photos! Sorry you are sad. But everyone else said it all. I had a good cry a week or so ago about my psoriasis and sometimes you just need that release in order to move forward.

XO

[praxisproject]

*hug* hang in there.

 

Weight on a scale doesn't measure health, passion, determination or the way you love your family.

 

You are more than a number on a scale.

[LadyM]

. . . And you're not exactly where you started! You have so much more wisdom about yourself and your body and I believe you are on a path to healing yourself. And you're in LOVE! I hadn't realized before now that you'd basically starved yourself to an unhealthy weight before beginning W30. You are a precious flower, my dear, and that means you need careful tending and love to thrive. This is not a bad thing.

[Nadia B]

. . . And you're not exactly where you started! You have so much more wisdom about yourself and your body and I believe you are on a path to healing yourself. And you're in LOVE! I hadn't realized before now that you'd basically starved yourself to an unhealthy weight before beginning W30. You are a precious flower, my dear, and that means you need careful tending and love to thrive. This is not a bad thing.

 

Yep, crazy food measuring/calorie obsession/complete disregard of nutrition. Tending and love, yes please   Thanks for finding right things to say and wording them so well. 

 

*hug* hang in there.

 

Weight on a scale doesn't measure health, passion, determination or the way you love your family.

 

You are more than a number on a scale.

 

Thanks! Should be a daily mantra. My story is a proof - scales are evil. I lived just fine without. 

 

Love your photos! Sorry you are sad. But everyone else said it all. I had a good cry a week or so ago about my psoriasis and sometimes you just need that release in order to move forward. XO

 

Your comment made me blush for extensive 15 minutes   Funny how we keep the most "toxic" stuff = negative thoughts inside, but try to get rid of toxins from food and environment. 

[Nadia B]

Oh honey! You are fine! You are beautiful and wonderful and healthy, actually! It is the job of those people (they think) to give you goals and stuff but you are fine the way you are. Sure, treat your body well. eat well, move well and maybe some pounds will leave but don't worry about it. Don't focus on it. You are lovely already.

 

I will! I want to be a bad ass like Mary

[Nadia B]

J is leaving for 2 weeks. I am totally using this to do an AIP-express without driving him mental (text last night "I smoked a ton of wings and I need you to bring a sauce that won't kill you, so I can finish cooking them". He also calls nightshades nightcrawlers  ). Also, I need to figure out my energy levels, so on Monday (homemade apple butter, I am looking at you, you have to go) starts AIP + journal of exercises. I have hit the wall recently at my circus class. Frustrating. I feel like a bit of a tracking will do me good. 

 

Also - I got this Linus    Finally. My first bike since...uhm..ever? 

 

[LadyM]

Nadia's riding her own bike. YAAAAAAAYSSSS!!!

[Nadia B]

Sea Salt Chocolate is AIP, right? 

 

I biked a ton Sat and Sunday (like 2-3 hours each day). I also drank 3 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) apple ciders at the backyard bbq in the sun (so not worth it) + 1 samosa (not worth it, not sure why, cider brain). As a result - puffy everything, tender tummy and restless sleep (woke up at 5 am and couldn't go back to sleep). What is the worst in this situation is that instead of grocery prep I got sucked into this unplanned bike ride (after 1 hour ride to my ballet class and a ballet class) followed by a BBQ with friends. It was lots of fun, but I am paying the price today. Coffee with 2 squares of chocolate (literally all I had at home) at 6AM, big salad with some pastrami from the supermarket later at 8, another coffee with nkd cocoa bar because that's what no sleep/alco combination does to me. I am not angry or sad, I knew it will happen when I was opening that cider.

 

Plan is: power through the cravings, try to eat clean and to the template for the rest of the day, plan/shop/cook for the rest of the week and go to bed early. Long ride back home (staying at J's house = 40 min ride) will clear my head. Can you tell how much I love my blue friend? This is not a chronic cardio, right right riiiiight? 

[Nadia B]

Oh and I forgot to add chocolate covered almonds to yesterday feast. Couple handfuls. Pretty remarkable actually, that all I got is sore tummy.

[Nadia B]

Funny how public whining helps. Typing as I have nothing better to do in a streetcar. Peddling 40 km everyday appeared to be a not-so-smart idea the more I thought about it, so rest day = public transport! In reality it is supposed to rain today and I just don't want to get my baby bike wet. Taking public transportation proved to be a right decision. Head spinning. Mode "can't even". Weird cravings (lack of sleep I gather, so I really want a croissant or smth with a big slab of butter).

 

I am exhausted. Yesterday I could not even stay focused for 15 minutes, so I had to go for a walk and a coffee at 3pm (as much as I tried not to drink it after 11). Is it a sign that I need to stop drinking it at all?

Realized that once I get home, I will never make it to the store to buy food. I stopped at the Polish Village on my way, bought a bunch of local meat and canned cod liver (J didn't find it exciting at all. We had a good laugh about how l can't date a liver hater he is). As this shopping stop was a bit of deviation from the initial plan I had to throw all the food into my front basket. It looked amazing - girl on the bike with the basket full of burgers, sausages, meatballs and the cod liver 

 

Cooked meatballs, added tomato, avocado and paleo dressing (it says so on the label and ingredients list is incredibly clean. Pastured egg yolks, olive oil and bacon pretty much), steamed brussels sprouts and made raspberry jam (bought a big basket of the most delicious berries ever for like 3$ on Sunday). Used just a bit of honey, grapefruit juice/zest and chia seeds for jelling. Something was off with meatballs even though ingredients were ok. Tummy hurt for a bit after. Jam turned out divine tho. Went to bed at 10 pm.

 

Woke up at 1:30 AM. Couldn't sleep. Drank water because I was super thirsty (always a sign that smth was not right with the food). Fell asleep by 2. Woke up at 6:30. My face is so puffy, tired and dare I say I look like a complete stranger? I wouldn't want to meet an ex today, that's for sure My Granny would say "morning in the Chinese village". Offensive I know, but their generation doesn't know what racism really means.

 

Coffee, last bits of meatballs, 1/3 avocado and a portobello mushroom cap for M1.

 

Zoodles, brussels and two all beef hotdogs for lunch.  Apparently they contain rice flour. Whats the point of mixing it with gf beef? AIP goes to hell. Oh well.

 

Yoga after work? Something low key, like restorative class where you do nothing but build castles with props and then chill. Fun. I think I will at least do an infra red sauna they have. Or not. Maybe I should go and book a massage? I don't even know, I am just sooooo weak. I hate being weak.

 

Someday I will wake up refreshed and energized. Or with flat stomach. Or at least pain free. Can't even imagine what this feels like. Been so long. Conclusion - keep doing the right thing.

 

Traditional picture. This is how riding on my bike looks like most of the way. So calming, right?

 

 

[Beets]

Your bike is rad! I love it. I missed your photos and thoughts from your days. Keep doing the right thing, yes.  And I am so needing a restorative yoga class. Build castles with props. LOL. This is how I will forever think of restorative yoga. 

[AmyS]

I know you said a lot there, but every time you talk about biking and reliable public transport I feel a frisson of jealousy.  I would love to live where I don't have to have a car.

 

Back to topic, here's hoping you feel rested soon and can get back to biking.

[Derval]

Forgotten how much I missed your lyrical posts, FB is not the same!

Nice to catch up, cool bike!

[Nadia B]

OMFG, D (not so lyrical)!

[Derval]

Tut tut Nadia, surely you could do better, don't I deserve a sonnet or at least a haiku?

 

 

[Nadia B]

 someone please delete this double post

[Nadia B]

Tut tut Nadia, surely you could do better, don't I deserve a sonnet or at least a haiku?

 

 

 

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Derval is here?

Too good to be true!

 

or 

 

Kettlebell dropped,

The crotchpot stopped working,

Derval is here...

 

 

BOOM  

[Derval]

Ha, brilliant xx

[Nadia B]

Your bike is rad! I love it. I missed your photos and thoughts from your days. Keep doing the right thing, yes.  And I am so needing a restorative yoga class. Build castles with props. LOL. This is how I will forever think of restorative yoga. 

 

Haha, but it's true. You build a little house to hide, like kids do with sofa cushions. Every time I go there, I remember Lady M's advice waaaay back in time that this is what I need. Look at me now

 

I know you said a lot there, but every time you talk about biking and reliable public transport I feel a frisson of jealousy.  I would love to live where I don't have to have a car.

 

Back to topic, here's hoping you feel rested soon and can get back to biking.

 

Well, half of a city is a war zone and closed for construction. Other half doesn't have bike lanes. Add wild cab drivers. Add streetcar tracks that are a wheels' trap. Add allowed parking on the side of the streets. Still loving it, but it does get scary sometimes. 

[Nadia B]

Questions to our gym heroes: 

 

1. Is it possible that my bike rides suppress appetite big time? I vaguely remember some studies about ghrelin and peptine (how the hell are these spelled?) I am kinda loving it and I don't want to fall prey to "Oh I should eat something because I rode my bike uphill for an hour". Or (I know my brain) I might start pushing the limits again in order "to deserve food". How do I treat these commutes? I really should ask how do I treat my brain, but let's think about nutrition first  

 

2. Is it possible that intense conditioning gives headache? I have notices recently (couple months) that every time I do something high intensity I have a splitting headache. Like yesterday. Circuit (3 rounds, 10 mostly body weight exercises, 1min/5 sec transition with 3 min rest in between) plus TRX plank holds (10 secs on 5 off 10 times. It sounds easy? MAJOR SWEAT PUDDLE). Hydration is not an issue.

 

3. I can't eat sweet potatoes. What would be a good PO carb source? I feel like this has been discussed a lot on the forum, but sp is everyone's favorite. Carrots? I'd imagine acorn squash would do... 

 

Facts: 

 

1. Super low carb breakfast is some kind of magic. Sorry template, but I've noticed that if it's basically a big hunk of meat, I am doing much better the rest of the day. Like today. Burger patty with just a little bit of avocado. Ride to work. Not hungry until 2 pm. 

 

2. I started BC. Boo but what else, really. I am scared a bit of how my body will respond. Mood swings? Crazy hunger again? Waiting. Tap tap. 

 

3. Did blood panel and can't wait to see and compare my hormone levels. Something tells me that they are going to improve. 

 

4. You can eat alright even on Wed night at the pizza joint. Was going home late after the concert last night. I found myself super duper hungry. The only opened place was a pizza joint. I asked them to put together a salad. 5$ (charged me as per slice) and I had bowl of spinach, chicken, pesto, tomatoes, olives, fresh mozarella and amazing garlic olive oil. My face broke out within 5 minutes of consuming it. Boo but that olive oil made up for this. 

 

Fun facts:

 

1. I dropped my plastic fork on the streetcar's floor and ate the rest of my salad with my hand. That's right. In the streetcar.

 

2. I found the most addictive pesto ever. Bought it in the local coffee shop and so going to make it. Kale/parsley/basil/lemon juice/evoo. Such a cool combo. I am mostly happy as I can't really digest kale, but this seems like a way to get it in my diet.

 

3. My lunch was three cold beef hot dogs dipped in that pesto. What happened to the 3 cups of brussel sprouts for breakfast Nadia? All good, all levels out. 

[LadyM]

Questions to our gym heroes: 

 

1. Is it possible that my bike rides suppress appetite big time? I vaguely remember some studies about ghrelin and peptine (how the hell are these spelled?) I am kinda loving it and I don't want to fall prey to "Oh I should eat something because I rode my bike uphill for an hour". Or (I know my brain) I might start pushing the limits again in order "to deserve food". How do I treat these commutes? I really should ask how do I treat my brain, but let's think about nutrition first

I don't worry about pre and post WO until my body tells me to, and it never really does.  I think you should just ride your bike and be happy. Eat when hungry as close to template as possible.

 

 

3. I can't eat sweet potatoes. What would be a good PO carb source? I feel like this has been discussed a lot on the forum, but sp is everyone's favorite. Carrots? I'd imagine acorn squash would do... 

 

Pumpkin, various squashes, parsnips, rutabagas. But from what I've read, getting the lean protein in is the most important part.

 

 

Facts: 

 

1. Super low carb breakfast is some kind of magic. Sorry template, but I've noticed that if it's basically a big hunk of meat, I am doing much better the rest of the day. Like today. Burger patty with just a little bit of avocado. Ride to work. Not hungry until 2 pm.

I have this same experience. Three eggs scrambled in ghee tides me over forever. Dense carbs in the morning set me up for the hungries the rest of the day. My trainer told me there's real science behind this and that it's fine to save the sweet potatoes or whatever until later in the day.

 

 

I'd worry about the BC, too, but you're no doubt doing it for a good reason!

 

I love the image of you eating salad with your fingers on public transportation.

 

I'm totally going to try to recreate that pesto. Though isn't it a bit bitter? I wasn't crazy about some arugula walnut pesto I once made for that reason.

 

Why are you eating so many hot dogs? Did I miss something?

[Nadia B]

Very through! 

 

Agreed about the bike nutrition. Parsnip and rutabaga - can't handle, so pumpkin it is. I feel like the rest of the herbs balance it out, but I love arugula for what it's worth. So maybe i am not the best adviser here...

 

 

These sausages are tiny, like 2 oz each