Nadia's PW30. "Let's fix it" journey.

[Nadia B]

I don't want it to fix everything. Just something. Or at least reduce the pain. Or give me comfort and freedom. Anything would be lovely, really. I know that I am not thinking straight right now but with every meltdown I seem to sink deeper and deeper. It just has to stop.  

 

Thank you for DHEA suggestion. I have an appointment with her next Monday and ask her about dosage. Maybe it will help to kick off my hormone secretion. 

[kb0426]

Nadia,

I am giving you a hug here, which may feel like I am shaking you by the shoulders.

I want you to take a moment, breath, and be grateful for your spirit, your energy, your passion, and your body that is not producing its own testosterone. I want you to be grateful to be able to ride your bike and feel the wind in your hair. I want you to love yourself and your body for the ability to stand on tippy toes and hang from silks. This is not the end, my beautiful Nadia, it is just the beginning! You are getting answers! It has taken me a long time to learn this, but when faced with stressed, it is okay to just BE. Don't fight it. Breath through it.

Food doesn't have to be your enemy. Your body is not your enemy. Be grateful!

Know that this is coming from a place of love!

[Nadia B]

I know. Of course I know. Even though it's been hard to be grateful for having such a stubborn body that keeps shutting down one part or another, I am grateful for endless love and support this community gives me. I think I'd go mad if I wasn't able to share and throw my tantrums here...

 

 

P.S Testosterone is such a puzzle. Upon research there are ways to increase testosterone naturally are: lifting (check), interval training (check), sex (check), vitamin D (check), magnesium (check), plenty of fats (dooooh), animal meat and fish (check), liver (check) and so on. WTF. 

[Beets]

I'm so sorry about your diagnosis and distress. But you could never discourage anyone! Your spirit is irrepressible, despite these troubles.

[LadyM]

The biggest thing I've learned about hormones is that they all work together. So, there's no boosting one without affecting the others, just as there's no singling out a single system in the body and treating it. Years of wrong-headed approaches to treating my thyroid have taught me this. It's why integrative medicine works so well. Though it does require patience--more than any of us can sustain without a breaking point here or there.

 

I'll say it again: what I wish for you, NB, is to find a health care practitioner you can really trust. I just don't think you should go this alone!

[Nadia B]

I have came across a long read from one of the founders of an eating system that is becoming wildly popular in my home country. I always looked at this community and cringed. I felt superior after looking at the posts of my friends' lunches that can't exceed one cup. However I really liked the message she was trying to drill into participants' heads. F**ck scales and your major effort is to love yourself, not eat perfectly compliant. I read her article and I read her interview with the mental disorders specialist who helps people lose weight through therapy (she also does this thing called "intuitive eating"). I read and re-read it. I cried so hard. I felt this article has helped me to let go in so many ways. I will translate/interpret/summarize some of the pieces, because I don't want to lose it. There is nothing new, just truth that hit me. Here goes:

 

People are afraid of hunger. Hunger reminds us that we have a body. A body that we don't like or we think others don't like.  It reminds them that total control over their body is an illusion. Then she asks – are you afraid of text messages? Exactly. Hunger is information, respect that. It is the most perfect system of communication between you and your body. Then she goes – but what do you do after you get this information? You need to take a decision, but I beg you, don't do it with your head. (Note here, she practices an intuitive eating which I might write more about. It is a fascinating thing actually. You kind of practicing a dialog with your body as in oh my darling, what would you like to have? Hot or cold? Soft or crunchy? Salty of sweet? And as you go through and listen for the inner response, you will naturally end up with super satisfying meal. I tried it couple times, completely placebo effect, but does it matter?).

 

She is talking how people are afraid of not only hunger, but of satiety as well. This results in either undereating out of fear or in overeating because being full triggers reaction of  “I am gaining weight/ate a lot, so what the heck, I'll finish it allâ€. She says that this is the main and fundamental skill in listening to your body. Body that is being listened to will protect us and won't let you harm yourself = overeat/binge on unhealthy stuff. 

 

She says how she finds satisfaction when feeling bad or heavy after eating something that was not the best choice. This means that communication between you and your body WORKS. You can clearly separate uncomfortable fullness from comfortable satiety. System works, hooray. I also loved when she said – when you say no to food and feel sorry – this is control. When you say no with light heart and no regret – this is listening to your body. Trusting your body to take decision about your hunger is being responsible. How f awesome and simple is that. 

 

People separate themselves from their bodies. "I am normal but my body is not". "I am working on making my body normal". These phrases can be heard quite often. What most people don't realize is that after achieving results, this obsession will transform into obsessive fear to lose the results. Having invested all your inner energy you get an incomparably tiny return in temporary results. Loving your body perfectly fit is like loving your kids or friends on their best behavior. 

 

Then she goes into some neuroscience and explains how hatered triggers response in areas that are responsible for pleasure. Hatred is addictive. That is why it's so hard to quit this business. 

 

She says that the beauty of our life is that we never, never have to "start over" really. Time does not go backwards and our experience will not be taken away from us. We have lived all our years with our bodies and there is nothing that is closer and dearer to us. Everything will go but we will have it. She asks: "When you meet your good friend, do you ever pull up his T'shirt in order to find fat there?". As meeting a good friend we should be happy to meet ourselves (context - mirrors).

 

Then she talks about a "inner debt". When you have this growing in you, no proper nutrition/exercise/education will bring you happiness. Because you have this black hole and no love. Love is fuel, not food as it is popular to say. No love - no motion. Inner beauty is a stamp and memory of a kid. You are safe and warm. When you are loved and you are the most beautiful as you are. When you have nothing to change to be loved. We lose it so early to be good at cultivating this.

 

To accept yourself does not mean to stop striving towards perfection. It means to fill this process with meaning and inner approval, it means to feel happiness right here and right now without "when" and "if".

 

P.S I would have written more but life is crazy busy. I read all your logs and wanted to be a good support as you all are to me in hard times. Didn't happen and I am deeply sorry.   

[Nadia B]

Also - this happened. Super clumsy first try. Amazing feeling. 

 

[LadyM]

Glad you're back, Nadia. I was about to PM you because I was getting a little worried.

 

I'm so happy that what this lady has to say is resonating with you--they're all wonderful reminders for me, too, so thanks for sharing!

 

I have done a lot of work with emotional eating and intuitive/mindful eating, probably for more than 20 years. It's great stuff--especially the body acceptance piece of it. It never was enough on its own for me, though, and W30 has helped me learn that there is, indeed, a physiological component that also must be addressed.

 

For example, when my hormones were out of whack and I craved chocolate and bread and chips and cookies constantly, listening to my body meant seeking out those foods and eating them. Satiety never came because none of it was nourishing. Was I feeding a deeper hunger for love and acceptance? Probably. Maybe. But I was also receiving miscommunication from my body.

 

I find that part of the power of W30 is that it helps correct those miscommunications. For me, it's taken a helluva lot longer than 30 days fo shiz, but I'm getting there. At the same time, correcting those miscommunicated signals means very little if I were still hating on my body. I guess my point--and probably the Russian guru's too--is that it takes a multi-pronged approach. And for me, decades!

 

Hooray for trapeze arts! Fly Nadia B, fly!!

[SaraRuns]

I'm glad you found some thoughts that resonate with you.  There will always be a journey, trying to appreciate ourselves while on it is key (and can be so difficult).

 

Bummer, couldn't see the video!

[Carlaccini]

So good to hear back from you Nadia!  Thank you for posting that.  It seriously makes a lot of sense.  A lot of us come from such a background of self loathing that it becomes our "normal" and ultimately our un-doing.  Whole 30 helped me significantly with calming my "inner voice" down.  It still crops up from time to time (usually under the influence of soy, dairy or sugar) but it's much quieter now. 

 

Yay for Flying Nadia!!! (much than I could probably do!!!)

[Nadia B]

So good to hear back from you Nadia!  Thank you for posting that.  It seriously makes a lot of sense.  A lot of us come from such a background of self loathing that it becomes our "normal" and ultimately our un-doing.  Whole 30 helped me significantly with calming my "inner voice" down.  It still crops up from time to time (usually under the influence of soy, dairy or sugar) but it's much quieter now. 

 

Yay for Flying Nadia!!! (much than I could probably do!!!)

 

Oh hey first Canadian moderator I wish I could translate it properly, but languages are so different, I would not even attempt it.

 

Now, flying. You should do it, you have a wonderful place called trapezarium in MTL. No experience needed. Promise, it's easy! 

[Carlaccini]

Yes.  Translating from a completely different launguage is never easy.  Sometimes there are words that don't even exist in our English vocabulary.  I would say you probably did a decent job of it.

 

Re - Flying - okay I might consider it.  However I need to figure out what's going on with my knee first.

[Nadia B]

Hiya. I am alive. Feeling good. Hormones still act up. Tummy is doing great then not so great, as usual. I sprained my other leg and healed it back. Sort of. I skipped yesterday and felt awesome. I lifted 2/3d of my own bw for 6 reps last night. It felt amazing. I bike everywhere. Even if I need to go 25 km. I am still doing ballet but not doing silks. I wait for the moment when I will be mentally ready to fight my way up that fabric. I am having a remarkably strong aversion to coffee lately. Also kombucha makes me bloated like hell. Bummer. I am not eating perfectly. Far from it. In fact I ate s'mores at the bonfire with my friends, but I have no desire to do it in the nearest future (however I had no ill effects). I ate goat milk ice-cream for lunch once and gelato for dinner after riding a tandem bike at night. It was naughty and fun. I also had several drinks (cider and caiphirina however that thing is spelled). The rest of food is to the template. I am being grateful for the times when I feel good. I am being prepared for the times when I will be cursing everything I do because something is not happening. I am doing the best I can. All is good. I am living my life. Iphone pictures time. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

P.S. I am wearing an apron because I am volunteering at the flower market. You can't see it but the name of the peony is Felix Supreme. I find it fascinating. I am in love with this name. And peonies. 

[Physibeth]

So beautiful! And so nice to hear calm words! Sounds like you are enjoying the heck out of your summer. As it should be!

[LadyM]

Hell yeah to living life!!

[SaraRuns]

Keep enjoying!

[Carlaccini]

Awesome to hear that you are in a happy healthy place right now.  Enjoy Summertime and all that it brings.

[Nadia B]

Fact #1. World in not going to collapse if I eat a slice of pizza (or couple squares of milk chocolate). 

Fact #2. I really don't have to hate myself for eating it. I just need to plan better.

Fact #3. It did not make me sick nor it made me want to eat it every day. Not even every other day. It just tells me how much I healed. 

Fact #4. Body image war is the war nobody wins. It is as stupid as it can possibly be. Will I have bad days. Hell yes. I am just not interested in deconstructing why is it happening to me and not to the skinny girl who stuffs that giant muffin in her piehole. Seriously, enough. 

 

All is good (mostly). I eat tomatoes all the time. I can lick a spoon of mayo and be fine. Maybe I will eat an entire egg soon. I am not freaking out if I eat a banana post wo. This is big btw. I bike a lot (like 50 km a day sometimes?) and I love it. It's addictive. I deny that I have a little issue with it. I was able to do a box jump (then 99 more). I can balance in passe without holding on to the barre and blacking out from pain. My ankles are sore but they are just fine. Weight on my bar increases nearly every class. It makes me do a little victory dance every time. I love slamming big ropes. I feel bad ass. I can't remember last time I did yoga and I am really missing it. Firm spiky foam roller is the best purchase I've made in months (after the bike...and maybe YSL shoes with 80% off). I am going to Montreal for a 3-day festival and I am not freaking out a tiny bit about not being able to control my food intake. I'll wear a "maternity" flow-y tops and be just fine. I am going to Japan in September and I am so psyched about it you have no idea. I can't sleep. I wake up within an hour of going to bed and then several times more. I do take magnesium, I am screwed without it. I refused to do a BOD test because it is time and is part of my gym plan. I don't think I am leaner and I can't possibly put myself in that misery of hatred again. Last but not least - grilled octopus is the most delicious thing ever. So are lobsters. Any seafood really.  Ok, that's enough I guess. 

 

 

 

 

 

  

[missmary]

I love you Nadia.       

[Derval]

I love you Nadia.       

 

Feck off, she's mine I tell you, mine!!!

[LadyM]

There's enough Nadia lurve to go around! xoxoxo

So glad you're living it up, girlfriend! Letting go and riding that glorious bike! I KNEW you'd love it way back before you knew how to ride. I'm extra proud of you for refusing the BOD. Why mess with the good thing that is feeling your way through and tuning in to pleasure?

[Nadia B]

Aww folks, feeling loved as usual! It's mutual!     

 

I am back. It was an interesting trip - 3 day festival in Montreal and a 5 day road trip in total. It was amazing as I got to see my favorite artists and dance my hipster soul away. Lykke Li is falling apart (major disappointment) and Lorde was pure magic live (and I have never been her fan), so was Vance Joy, so was London Grammar. Her voice. Would have been even better if I wasn't having an ugly fight with Jeremy as she was singing. Whatever. We were kind of good the rest of the trip but it all blew up last night around midnight. What kind of person starts relationship talks at midnight after a 9 hour drive? Lucky me yay. Anywho, the skinny (should I say the fatty here?) of the trip:

 

Food. Every day I had a giant breakfast (for like 8$ anywhere in the city) of two eggs + bacon or sausage + pile of roasted potatoes + pile of fruits and a coffee. This was my modified fare sans bread and cheese. Boy, does this hold you over for 7 hours. Notice something special? Yea. EGGS. EVERY. DAY. Wild. Every day I had a fancy popsicle made from real fruit because of a heatwave. Every day I had to eat on the festival grounds of the food trucks. Fact - ribs and pulled pork in 30 degree heat is a terrible idea but what you gonna do when nothing else is available. Also the only vegetable that was available - potatoes...in a form of fries. I still ate it, I mean better full than grumpy? Every day I had banana for dinner because too tired or still full. No wonder, I've eaten an annual dose of starch. Off plan 1: zuchinni fries (yeaaaap deep fried zuchinni sticks, potentially in a gluten loaded batter, with a curry mayo made from questionable stuff. Cray skin reaction but I drool as I type).  Off plan 2: little sweet corn on a cob. Good and I can take or leave it. Meh. Off plan 3: hummus. Lesson learned - never again. Tummy was shredded to pieces. Off plan 4: a beer. We have 20 types of ciders available in Ontario and apparently zero in Quebec. I saw an apple on the pack and bough it. After several sips I figured it doesn't taste right. Read the label - beer. Dooooh. I paid a very high price for this label reading fail. Stomach is still sore. All in all, I feel like I did alright. Ironically I feel slimmer after I packed away a little truck worth of potatoes in 4 days. Go figure. 

 

Movement. I have converted the steps we've taken into kilometers. We have walked nearly 70 kilometers in 3 days (89000 steps minus the times I didn't have phone on me). We have danced and jumped when we were not running from one stage to another. My feet looked like dumplings every morning. I signed up for a CrossFit drop-in class because I am a little paranoid if I don't get to exercise. I was nervous as I am a no Cross Fit athlete by any means, more so when I saw the kb the coach gave me for helluva lot swings, more so when I saw 50 double unders on the board (I can do 0 FYI), you get the idea. I think I am capable of more than I think. Cripple can swing that heavy thing alright! Cripple can do double unders! That was the best morning ever. The morning after - not so much. 

 

Pictures.

 

  

 

  

 

My birthday is on 13th and I think I will do a whole7 starting tomorrow. I have had quite a bit of this that and the other creeping into my daily rotation. The only problem I have is that an ice-cream maker from amazon has just landed on my desk. I guess I can make a post workout mango sorbet?         (I really want a chocolate chip cherry tbh). 

[Nadia B]

Just going to track a bit of my days here, I need to get some things back in order. 

 

Pre WO 1/2 chicken sausage.

 

Conditioning class. I am so not a morning person when it comes to workouts. I heard it is good to be switching days/times of workouts to keep body clueless. I might be confusing things, but that's what I remember after reading that article. Also, conditioning days are not my favorite, so I always try to get it over with asap. Anywho, overhead squat and turkish get ups in progress. TGU are FUN.

 

Post WO apple. Prep fail.

 

Breakfast bought on the go and eaten at my desk 40 min later. So hungry! Lettuce cups with deli turkey, bits of avo, dressing and carrots. Now this is bland food, Lady M! I think meat was non compliant. Prep fail. Coffee run. 

 

Lunch TBD. Probably exactly the same thing.    

Dinner TBD. Sausage and a big salad most likely, I have food at home. 

 

Cherries are on sale and the goddamned ice-cream maker calls my name. BIG time. Huhuuum. 

[LadyM]

Bland template and big time desire for ice cream is where I'm at, too. But the ice cream maker will be there, ready when you are. Could you give yourself a goal, say, clean template eating for five days, then I get to try the ice cream maker? Template normalizes and helps all things, I've decided. And delayed gratification does, too. I keep telling myself that the longer I wait, the hungrier I am for that sundae in Rehoboth, the sweeter it will be!

Also, hooray for good workouts. I'm even hungrier for those. All in due time, though. Right?

[Carlaccini]

Hey Nadia - Just want to give you a big hug. That's it.

 

Good to hear that you enjoyed Osheaga.  My cousin was somewhere's in that mass of people as well. 

I missed one more of Montreal's beautiful festivals (again!) I was up north in Ontario - rented a cottage lake side for a few days.  It felt soooo good to decompress and eat semi - complaint.  But yikes how my body reacted. Healing has happened by leaps and bounds too but still sadly still missing dairy.

 

Keep on doing well Nadia.