Nadia's PW30. "Let's fix it" journey.

[LadyM]

I am so with you on the hierarchy of best things ever, NB. I, too, am feeling high after a return to great tough workouts. WOOT!!

[calee]

Hi Nadia! Nice to see you back to posting. Your holiday pics are awesome. It sounds like vacation was wonderful.

If I don't get to Pilates 4-5 x a week I just don't feel great. Pilates and walking keeps me happy. Zach was home from Berlin for a few days last week and we got to walk up in the Redwoods. Loved it.

I've been eating primal with dairy. I too am tolerating tomatoes better. I can even eat whole eggz now. I'm somewhat considering a Whole this spring, just as a cleanse. I slept so much better when I did it. I seem to up the 5 I lost lat summer, then down, the up and down. I'd love to have the down be my setpoint.

LadyM!!! So nice to see your beautiful face.

xox

[SaraRuns]

Woot on back to the gym!

[Nadia B]

I went to my silks classes day after the gym day. NOT SMART. I am so sore. Like can't lift my arms. Like can't clap my hands and it's Arcade Fire concert tonight. Going to the gym after office to go to steam room and sauna. Godhelpme. 

 

I have noticed that I am crashing during the day lately. Sleep is alright, almost decent amount even. Today I can't drink more coffee and my head is about to slam my keyboard. How to fix that, aaaa?

 

Third thing. I haven't had kombucha forever. Had it today, oh my. So bloated and itchy. Bye bye yeast. 

 

Glad to see you, Calee, Lady M, Beth and Sara and everyone everyone. Life is crazy and I am reading your logs, just no time to comment ) 

[SaraRuns]

Arcade Fire should be awesome!  Have fun (your arms will find a way to move, I'm sure)!

[Nadia B]

Arcade Fire should be awesome!  Have fun (your arms will find a way to move, I'm sure)!

 

Hell yeah! It was fantastic, still dancing a bit all day.Videos are on my instagram. Photo junkies, unite. 

 

 

So much better after sauna. Anti soreness miracle.

 

I have been eating too much cheese, but it's in pre made salads I keep buying as I have zero time. I have been eating dressings that come with them too. Nothing really nutritios there, which makes my head ache. I have been eating chocolate (with salt mmmm) and I have noticed that ironically enough I handle it just ok AFTER meal but not on empty stomach. I find it weird.

 

What else? It's freezing here and I have a new pair of shoes (or more  ) Can't paste it for some reason. Imagine YSL black and white classic pumps. That's right. 

[SaraRuns]

Wihoo on Arcade Fire!!!  Glad it was as good as expected.

 

Jealous of those YSL's!

[Nadia B]

I feel like posting today. News:

 

1. I went to the hoop workshop. Circus happiness. Ankle is just alright. My inversion sucks. I just can't get a hang of it. It's not the strength (at least I feel so), but rather the mechanics of the move. 

2. I had a hard apple cider, tomato soup, tacos (sans rice/beans/sour cream), eggs benny + pickeled onions on a gf bun over aaaaand a huge slice of ice-cream cake in 48 hours      My stomach is shredded to pieces. Ice cream for dinner (and by this I mean instead of) thing was really stupid, I won't lie. 

3. I am leaving to Russia in one week! Excited!!!!

4. My boyfriend (I need to practice saying this word without feeling awkward) is million of things for us to do. I am scared and suspicious instead of being happy.

5. I found the bike of my dreams. I need to sell a kidney to buy it. 

6. I have been doing oil pulling. I love it.  

7. I have been taking weird seal oil for vit D supplement. I found a bottle from FMD. I forgot about it. I like it more that fish oil I think. I feel difference vs not taking anything for sure, but no difference seal oil vs fish oil.

8. I got a request to make mussels on Wednesday for dinner. Any good recipes? Usually I make them with curry paste, lemongrass and coconut milk. Maybe someone has a fancier version? 

 

Photo bragging now!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Carlaccini]

Nadia!!!

 

So good to see you back.  Amazing holiday pictures!

 

Arcade Fire - My cousin's went to the same show the other night.  They loved it as well.

 

Good  to hear things are going well for you.  Relaxing in the sun will do a body good.

 

Yay on going to Russia for a week.  Have fun!!!

 

Cheers,

 

Carla

[SaraRuns]

Love the pics!  Can't wait to hear all about Russia - is the boyfriend going?

[Nadia B]

Thanks Carla )))) I will be in Montreal for Osheaga in August, we should go to Jean Talon!

 

Sara - no, boyfriend left to the mountains to snowboard for a week. Thank God. I need room to breathe. It's all becoming too intense for my liking. 

 

Some giggles for you. Laying on the couch and chatting with Mom.

 

M: You should stop doing circus.

Me: ???

M: Your arms are getting bigger. A lot bigger actually.

Me: I am getting stronger...

M: It's all your climbing. What if they will be growing even MORE?

 

Oh Mommy, sweetheart as usual. PS. I am addicted to the coconut-cherry gf bar from my local coffee shop and to full fat Greek Mocha yogurt. Iwillnotbuyitagainiwillnotbuyitagain       It's this time of month. I am a hungry monster. 

[Carlaccini]

Yes definitely look me up for JT market in August!  I live not terribly far away from it.  If figs are out I will bring some from my in-laws

 

Lot of good bands at Osheaga this year.

 

Funny you mention your convo with your mom - I had a similar one with my mom this week too!  Except I was happily bragging that I was getting a lot of muscle from my recent excersise addition of a crossfit style bootcamp class (they embrace a crossfit type mentality but don't have the name)  She was concerned that I would be getting massive biceps like a guy.  I laughed and basically advised her that was physically impossible because I was not built like one.

[Nadia B]

Well, they did get bigger but sadly not because of my extraordinary muscle gain, but because I gained fat. I just find it hilarious that my Mom would actually advise me to stop being active and do what I love because of the size of my arm. Fortunately I am a grown up otherwise it might have been a traumatic message for a little girl. Don't do this because I think your arm will look less pretty. To her credit when I mentioned to her how it all sounds she realized that it came out very wrong. Whatever. 

 

The reason I am writing? I am doing FLYING trapeze today. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[SaraRuns]

Flying trapeze sounds like big fun!  Enjoy!

 

Ah, mothers, they can have a special way of saying things... 

[Nadia B]

Hiya I am back. 

 

1. Flying trapeze did not happen as we got stuck in traffic jam Urgh. Next time. 

2. I am back. Russia is wonderful. Food is wonderful. I had couple drinks (cider and vodka with ice ooops). I had big bowl of fresh full fat farmers' cottage cheese. No reaction. I had gf cookies and maybe accidental exposure to gluten, but not that I am aware of. Food in Russia is awesome, chicken liver salad at every decent eatery. You know, I was in heaven

3. I am fine with tomatos. AAAAAA big deal. 

4. I went to the gym, so good to be back to training. However I can't walk. Squats and skipping seem to be fine with my ankle. Whoop whoop. 

5. All is great with J, but when he says I am beautiful I have crazy emotional response. I think he is making fun of me or joking or being sarcastic. Because I have issues. Big issues. 

6. I think I will never like myself. I think I am gaining more weight. For some crazy reason again. I can't even explain how hard it is not to hate myself. Especially this bloated (mysterious reason again!!!!) stomach. Especially clothes that does not fit. Especially not knowing what to do. I know only the wrong way of not eating. I am not doing this.

7. I have major energy swings. By 2-30 I am dead, around 5 pm I am dead. I barely walk. Coffee to the rescue but I know that's not right. What to do? 

 

Anywho, my random sadness is nothing new. Pictures!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Bam! 

[Carlaccini]

Beautiful pictures (as usual!)

Nice to have you back!  Glad to here that you had fun in Russia.  Good to hear that your ankle is holding up and doing well.

 

Nadia - weather you know it or not, you're gorgeous.  Believe it from J.  Take the compliment, and know that yes, you are. I mean this sincerely.

 

I can rant at you all day with the things that I hate about myself (and know that it can never change).  I hate the fact that I have short ham legs.  That it literally is impossible for me to tan.  That I have Fred Flintstone feet (short and rectangle shape). I could go on and on. But despite all of these defects (as well as my many others ) that R considers me beautiful.  (And yes I don't know how either!)

 

But what I do I know is that every woman can list out their faults and tell themselves lies on why they cannot be beautiful.  But know that every woman is beautiful.  Especially in the eyes of their boyfriends or husbands.  You may not believe it when they tell you.  But know this - You are to them.  And honestly? (this sounds a bit sappy) that's all that matters.

[Physibeth]

Beautiful pictures and beautiful Nadia! Everything Carlaccini said! We are our own worst critics. We would never treat our loved ones the way we treat ourselves. 

 

I challenge you to get up every morning and walk in the bathroom and tell yourself that you are beautiful! 

[missmary]

lovely Nadia. so good to see you here. welcome back. the ladies are correct, try to learn to accept J's compliments because you deserve them without a doubt.

[LadyM]

I want to come eat chicken liver salad at every eatery with you.

[SaraRuns]

Yay for a great trip to Russia!  And your ankle is so improved.  Love the pictures!

 

The ladies above had some great words of wisdom.  Try to be kind to yourself...

[Nadia B]

Thank you folks! Carla, your post touched me so much. You are all so right and Lady M, come visit. Liver FTW (craving liver now). Boom - dinner solved. 

 

OMG, as a part of my membership at the gym I am going for an appointment. I will learn my weigh (first time in half year?) and they will perform a body composition analysis. I am scared to death, I am not going to lie.Also we will put 3 goals for the next month - I hope they expect performance goals from me, right? I am so nervous, I don't want to breakdown there in case something will upset me. AAAAAA.  

 

News: 

 

1. Movement. Ankle is stronger but it still hurts a lot! I am back to the gym regularly. Strength and conditioning. Sorehappy from lifting all the time. Conditioning class - sprints in the park. Couldn't walk for couple days. Ankle + sore muscles, whoaaa. Silks back in the rotation once a week. Not really getting all the strength back or any improvement, so it feels. Practice and practice more, what else. Ballet is back. My movements are SO limited, I am SO scared to jump, but honestly - I am the happiest girl in the world when I am doing it. I am buying a bike - little Dutchi will be mine soon. I am silly scared to ride in the city, but J promised to ride with me. Which color? I really like Sage. J insists I get turquoise. Feels good to be active. Feels so me. 

 

2. Tummy and food. Super mega lazy with food prep. I have been eating same rotissierie (how the hell you spell this word) chicken for breakfast/lunch for the entire month I think. Plus salad. I have been eating full fat organic yogurt - tummy is just fine. My skin is okay too. Tomatoes go down pretty well and nuts are not glueing my intestines together, but I don't really eat them anyways. Eggs seem to be a little problematic, but way less. I have been eating off plan, but nothing really crazy. Some days are just terrible, like today - eat all things (4 apples, super craving) and I really really wanted peanut butter. Oops moving on. I have been having apple cider from time to time too. I like how cider tastes (one serving and I am drunk, no joke) but I am so swollen the day after, ewwwww. I am living most of the time at J's, so I cook, he eats everything no problem. Of course I cringe when he eats cereal or bagels for breakfast, but I don't touch this theme at all. I don't know why tbh. Dinners are wonderful, perfectly whole30! He bought a great grill/smoker so now it's all about this new toy. Made smoked tenderloin last weekend and ribs are bought for this. Boys and their toys.

 

3. Weight. Who knows. I hate the fact that J's ex is a CrossFit chick. Unrelated, but I had to whine ahaha. 

4. Sleep. I sleep well or at least so much better than before.  

5. Energy is crazy though. Some days I am so fatigued and weak. Just crashing during the day. Also muscle recovery is quite crappy. I feel stiff all the time, my stretching is worse than ever. HUH? I am going to yoga all the time and then to infra red sauna we have there. Advice? I am supplementing with magnesium but that's about it. 

 

All in all, I am pretty happy, in love and such. Hope you you all are doing well, missing daily reads and giggle, but life is cray, you know!  

 

Also - no pictures, pretty epic. 

[Nadia B]

So I went to the body analysis/personal goals set up/progress tracking session at the gym this morning. I don't even know where do I start. I just wonder if I even will be able to accept myself regardless anything? I should have told Kristina (coach) my story before, maybe it would have helped. When I explained to her why my face became so strange, she exclaimed "ouuuuuuuuuccchhhhh I want you to forget the words I used". Oh well, too late, K. 

 

Little recap. 1. Chubby weak kid all my life 2. Started dieting and joined gym couple years ago (around 150 lb, bf % 30, but measurements method was quite questionable) - lot's of cardio, food - not so much (zero fat zero sugar 900 calories per day with occasional fasting) 3. Dropped to 112 lb at some point (15% with the questionable method again). Hormones, skin, sleep and hunger is out of control. Decided to try whole30. 4. Gained and lost and gained pounds back and forth. Lost due to great stress (Dad illness) methinks rather than anything else? 5. Started gaining weight with great speed. Probably because my activity level has dropped a lot (plus an ankle injury later). 

 

All these tears and sweat, and effort only to learn that I am almost at the same point where I started (according to numbers, screw you numbers). 26% bf and 148 lb. H:W ratio is considered unhealthy 0,9. Set goal by the coach - drop 3% bf by August and 1 inch off the waist. Everything she was talking about made sense, but what was really going on in my head is pretty much "youarefatyouarefatyouarefatomgyouarefatunhealthyfathowdidthathappenfortheloveofgodwhattodowhattodo". Did I cry? Hell yes I did, the moment I left the gym. I still am crying to be honest. So stupid. I will calm down soon and will take this as a great way to start my journey all over again. As I am given a chance to do it the right way this time. Problem is I don't know the right way. Oh dear God, please help me to not lose my mind. 

[missmary]

Oh honey! You are fine! You are beautiful and wonderful and healthy, actually! It is the job of those people (they think) to give you goals and stuff but you are fine the way you are. Sure, treat your body well. eat well, move well and maybe some pounds will leave but don't worry about it. Don't focus on it. You are lovely already.

[Physibeth]

What Mary said x100. All of us are working to improve something. That doesn't mean where we are isn't just fine, it is just that we want to improve. Even if this feels like it is a big step back for you it isn't like you said f-it and just threw caution to the wind. You had a major injury and that makes a difference. Celebrate who you are today - because she is strong and knowledgeable and beautiful and then set reasonable goals about where you are going.

[Carlaccini]

Oh Nadia!

 

I hear you 100 times over in my brain.  It's taken me years to get over the negative self talk demons in my head.  I still have them.  But I must admit they are less these days.

 

My story is very similar to yours - chubby kid, chubby teen, became an overweight young adult when my parents separated and later divorced (It seems I eat my emotions ) lost a lot of weight for my brothers wedding, then moved to Montreal, became depressed with the move - gained 40lbs in 6 months (YIKES!!) then just gave up......

 

Almost 2 years ago (July 2012) I finally weighed myself after years of living in denial.  I had been playing around with my diet (ie: cutting out dairy, going gluten free) for a couple of months already. (I know I had lost some weight during this time but I have no idea where my tru starting point was).  The number - gulp - was 260.4lbs.  I recorded it down.  I didn't like it.  My evil demons were right - I was fat and ugly. (you know - fatanduglyfatanduglyfatandugly.......) After hating myself for most of my life and figured I somehow deserved this - I sighed and realized that this is my starting point.  I didn't like it, but this was MY starting point. 

 

This is YOUR starting point.  It's fine to not like it.  Hate it even.  But accept that this is your starting point.  And only you have the ability to change it.  (As frustrating as that is).

 

Big Hugs to you.  You can do this.