whole30 supercharged...kinda

[missmary]

hi friends. sorry to write only when I'm struggling with something, but just writing it out can help me process even if nobody wants to read it  . Went out with a couple coworkers on Friday night, and by the end of the night it was three of us, her quite drunk, me not at all (and a guy friend who seemed a little uncomfortable to be in the middle of the whole thing, honestly), and she just could not drop the conversation about my weight loss and "hot body" and how frustrated she is that I don't seem happier about it and don't want to talk about it. I couldn't explain to her that getting too excited about my current body--to me--is a rejection of who I was before (not to mention people that I love who happen to not have ideal physiques.). I wasn't unworthy of love before. I wasn't "not hot" before. Now I'm healthier. That's great! and it is really nice to feel better and it's fun to be able to buy clothes in regular stores and all that but that is NOT what "all my hard work" was about. I ended up messaging her on facebook about it in the morning, trying to explain, but I probably shouldn't have. I doubt she would remember much of the conversation if I hadn't but. ugh.

 

I hate that this body is better for me professionally (even though my profession has NOTHING to do with personal appearance) and hate that this body gets me better treatment in stores (not just clothing stores. everywhere). I hate that men are interested in me now who never noticed me before because I am EXACTLY the same person I was. EXACTLY THE SAME. I am not better now. I just look better, I guess. And a lot of the time I feel better and THAT is what this is about. I want to feel good and healthy and have energy to be generous and kind and I want to focus on that.

[GFChris]

hi friends. sorry to write only when I'm struggling with something, but just writing it out can help me process even if nobody wants to read it  . Went out with a couple coworkers on Friday night, and by the end of the night it was three of us, her quite drunk, me not at all (and a guy friend who seemed a little uncomfortable to be in the middle of the whole thing, honestly), and she just could not drop the conversation about my weight loss and "hot body" and how frustrated she is that I don't seem happier about it and don't want to talk about it. I couldn't explain to her that getting too excited about my current body--to me--is a rejection of who I was before (not to mention people that I love who happen to not have ideal physiques.). I wasn't unworthy of love before. I wasn't "not hot" before. Now I'm healthier. That's great! and it is really nice to feel better and it's fun to be able to buy clothes in regular stores and all that but that is NOT what "all my hard work" was about. I ended up messaging her on facebook about it in the morning, trying to explain, but I probably shouldn't have. I doubt she would remember much of the conversation if I hadn't but. ugh.

 

I hate that this body is better for me professionally (even though my profession has NOTHING to do with personal appearance) and hate that this body gets me better treatment in stores (not just clothing stores. everywhere). I hate that men are interested in me now who never noticed me before because I am EXACTLY the same person I was. EXACTLY THE SAME. I am not better now. I just look better, I guess. And a lot of the time I feel better and THAT is what this is about. I want to feel good and healthy and have energy to be generous and kind and I want to focus on that.

It sounds like you have your head on straight with your feelings and reasons for your changes. Unfortunately, you can't control other people's behavior. The only thing you have control over is your response. I look at it as a life lesson in being mindfully aware and bringing curiosity and self-compassion to how I respond. Continue to stay kind to and take good care of you.

[kb0426]

I have to say - I am a much different person now than when I weighed 270 pounds.  I used to think it was the weight holding me back, but in the reality it was my head.  I couldn't accept that people would accept me or love me regardless of my size.  Losing the weight made me more confident and willing to accept others opinions about me.  I hope that makes sense.  I have always been an extrovert, but some "psychological" testing, you know, the team building kind, has indeed shown that I have changed from who I was before.

 

Like Chris said, you can't control what will spew out of people's mouths, only your reaction.  However, if this has brought up an emotional response in you, it is healthy to ask "Why?".

 

Stay warm!

[missmary]

I have to say - I am a much different person now than when I weighed 270 pounds.  I used to think it was the weight holding me back, but in the reality it was my head.  I couldn't accept that people would accept me or love me regardless of my size.  Losing the weight made me more confident and willing to accept others opinions about me.  I hope that makes sense.  I have always been an extrovert, but some "psychological" testing, you know, the team building kind, has indeed shown that I have changed from who I was before.

 

Like Chris said, you can't control what will spew out of people's mouths, only your reaction.  However, if this has brought up an emotional response in you, it is healthy to ask "Why?".

 

Stay warm!

Yeah, I do get that, and I think this is what has her frustrated with me: she wants me to become extroverted, magically, or to suddenly have a ton of confidence about my appearance, but I reject the notion that I am somehow "better" now. I am not. Should I have loved my body this whole time? yes. Should I work on accepting myself however I am right now? yes. but I don't deserve it more now than I did before. I just don't. I always deserved it. I know that intellectually now, so I guess I need to figure out how to internalize that knowledge. You are right. Nothing she said could have bothered me this much if it didn't point to something I still haven't fully resolved. I'm working on it. 

[Nadia B]

Oh blind me. I missed so much here. 

 

First, congrats on the award. I know you are being humble about it as usual, but it's a big deal. So, I'll do the noisy part - HIP HIP HOORAY for the awesome Mary! I am 100% sure that the "on, ready and strong" part went without a hitch. 

 

Second, my heart was braking to read about Dad. As someone who has a "special" relationship with Dad, I somewhat knew how you felt. It's so hard  to treat it with patience and logic. Especially when you know you can help 100%. I hope you are not being hard on yourself because of them not being sold on dietary changes. I also hope that they take it as care about them and not attack/judgement. 

 

Third, I might be wrong, but you sound a little bit defensive while no one is really really attacking you? It's just most of people don't get it. I think that it is important to remember that not many people have this level of self awareness you do...or if they do it has been years of practice. People who have never gone through body changes will never understand how this works inside one's head...or how much work it is "to make the inner monkey silent". I am not defending your friend, I agree with every point you indicate. 

 

Anyways, sending love and hopes that this holiday season is great so far. 

[missmary]

Nadia! Yes, a lot of stuff happened in here!

 

First, congrats on the award. I know you are being humble about it as usual, but it's a big deal. So, I'll do the noisy part - HIP HIP HOORAY for the awesome Mary! I am 100% sure that the "on, ready and strong" part went without a hitch. 

 

Ha. I did ok. It was a stressful week but I got through it, and actually part of my co-worker issue/conversation was about some "stunning" and "gorgeous" photos that were taken of me at the event. I hadn't seen the photos yet during the conversation, but I was a bit skeptical (I've seen them now: on stage, shaking hands, goofball expression on my face   , but with very nice hair otherwise looking like a normal human). 

 

I also hope that they take it as care about them and not attack/judgement.

I think they get it. It helps that they can see how much better I feel and how much happier I am now that I'm healthier. I sent them the 21 day sugar detox book and last I heard, dad was reading and trying to convince my mom to do it after the 1st of the year. So that's good. I've offered to help (with what, I'm not sure: whatever seems hard to them? maybe making a breakfast bake or some condiments?). I might do the plan with them for solidarity. couldn't hurt.

 

Third, I might be wrong, but you sound a little bit defensive while no one is really really attacking you? It's just most of people don't get it. I think that it is important to remember that not many people have this level of self awareness you do...or if they do it has been years of practice. People who have never gone through body changes will never understand how this works inside one's head...or how much work it is "to make the inner monkey silent". I am not defending your friend, I agree with every point you indicate. 

No, go ahead, defend my friend! It's actually ok with me that she doesn't quite get it, my issue with her was mainly that she would not drop the topic when I asked (repeatedly). She was drunk, and she has apologized. We are pretty much cool now, I think? In the end it is good for me to think about these things and discuss these things (even if only with strangers over the internet  ). carrying on.

 

I bought myself a christmas present: one hour extra with Max next week   . I hope your holiday is great too, Nadia. So good to have your thoughts on my stuff. 

[Physibeth]

I think they get it. It helps that they can see how much better I feel and how much happier I am now that I'm healthier. I sent them the 21 day sugar detox book and last I heard, dad was reading and trying to convince my mom to do it after the 1st of the year. So that's good. I've offered to help (with what, I'm not sure: whatever seems hard to them? maybe making a breakfast bake or some condiments?). I might do the plan with them for solidarity. couldn't hurt.

 

That's awesome about the 21 Day Sugar Detox. I'm getting one of my friends on board to do that with me starting the 1st. I've been so loosey goosey lately that it surely can't hurt and it will help her if we do it together. I wish I had the gumption to give my parents some Paleo books. My mom gets very defensive and my dad drives her away from things when he gets on the bandwagon, so I'm going to just keep talking to her about it from my point of view and hope that it will eventually be her idea.

[missmary]

All right, I'm doing it. And I started a log in the "your -legit- whole30 log" section, so better follow all the rules.   

 

You can find me here for the month of January. I would love love love it if you stopped by, my apologies for boring you with the minutia of my eating (roasted sweet potato cubes and all ):

 

http://forum.whole9life.com/topic/15111-with-intention/

[missmary]

Ok folks, I'm riding my own bike again. Didn't really plan this, but sure enough Jan 31st included: 1/2 a hard cider after work (shared with a co-worker), a couple glasses of red wine at a "pizza party"*, followed by a couple squares of Theo's Dark Chocolate/Almond/Sea Salt. I don't regret any of it.

 

* the host planned for pizza for everyone but me. for me there was steak...and salad, but especially steak 

[Physibeth]

Welcome back to our part of the forum. Mmmmm steak!

[missmary]

Just a little check-in. Things are going pretty well, although my chin is still broken out from the wine consumption, what was that, two weeks ago? annoying. I'm doing the Bodpod again on Saturday (I did this last February) and I'm feeling unreasonably nervous about it. I just want one objective measure that says my body composition is "healthy". So far, although all measures have improved (BMI, waist-hip ratio, body fat percentage based on my lean mass from last Bodpod scan, etc.), they all still say "overweight" and I don't feel like I have enough objectivity about my own body to really know. so yeah. I'm hoping I put on some lean mass over the last year. And...I'm kind of freaked out about how I might react if I haven't....ugh.

[Physibeth]

So what if all the measures still say "overweight"? From everything I've read you have gained so much strength in the past year. All my measures still say I'm "overweight" too. But I know I'm faster, stronger, and overall feel better than a year ago. Get your mind settled before you go to your appointment. Set your expectations low knowing that it is just one measure in many. Once you do that you can only go up from there right? 

[missmary]

So what if all the measures still say "overweight"? 

 

Intellectually, I know this (and Max agrees with you), but I guess it is just that I kind of think it might be possible to tick over into the healthy column (if I gained 4lbs of lean mass and my weight is what it was at the beginning of Feb I'm there) but what if I didn't? ...and what if I did? somehow both outcomes frighten me a little.     

[missmary]

 I know I'm faster, stronger, and overall feel better than a year ago.

 I'm so glad. me too! I need to remember this. 

[Physibeth]

Intellectually, I know this (and Max agrees with you), but I guess it is just that I kind of think it might be possible to tick over into the healthy column (if I gained 4lbs of lean mass and my weight is what it was at the beginning of Feb I'm there) but what if I didn't? ...and what if I did? somehow both outcomes frighten me a little.     

 

I completely get this. If it did...you will be an awesome healthy miss Mary who met a pretty cool goal. If it didn't...you will be an awesome healthy miss Mary who will eventually meet a pretty cool goal. We are all works in progress and as far as I'm concerned as long as we are not moving backwards we are winning yes? 

[missmary]

nope. I didn't meet my goal. I needed to gain 4lbs of muscle mass, I gained a little over 2. Gaining 2lbs of muscle mass during the same time period in which I lost 27lbs of fat is actually almost a miracle (especially when I'm not a novice exerciser. these are not "newbie gains"). I have to be ok with this, although, I will admit my heart sank when he handed me my print-out with the "excess fat" box checked. Carrying on. This time next year I'll have it nailed.

[Physibeth]

You are a rock star Mary! 2 lbs of muscle gained and 27 lbs of fat lost is awesome sauce! Well on your way to having that check box check free next year!

[missmary]

You are a rock star Mary! 2 lbs of muscle gained and 27 lbs of fat lost is awesome sauce! Well on your way to having that check box check free next year!

 

Thanks Bethany. My spreadsheet is updated  . Assuming I maintain my lean mass, I'm really really close to "normal" now, so maybe I'll even tick that box over before the year is out. It's kind of funny, because, although I was definitely sad not to hit the number I wanted, I'm also not so sure that the numbers matter a whole lot. I did a little searching for metrics and found one that says I'm healthy (my waist/height ratio is apparently perfect), so why place so much stock on this particular one? I guess we will see when I get there.

[Physibeth]

Thanks Bethany. My spreadsheet is updated  . Assuming I maintain my lean mass, I'm really really close to "normal" now, so maybe I'll even tick that box over before the year is out. It's kind of funny, because, although I was definitely sad not to hit the number I wanted, I'm also not so sure that the numbers matter a whole lot. I did a little searching for metrics and I did find one that says I'm healthy (my waist/height ratio is apparently perfect), so why place so much stock on this particular one? I guess we will see when I get there.

 

I think as American women we are programmed to always find at least one fault with ourselves. I think it is scary for us to think that we can actually be happy with our bodies as they are. Out of curiosity where did you find the waist/height ratio chart? Which waist measure does that go off of? That is something I would actually like to track. Feeling the siren call of the scale myself lately but would rather find something else to measure that will not make me crazy.

[missmary]

Out of curiosity where did you find the waist/height ratio chart? 

There are a bunch of references, but this calculator: http://www.miniwebtool.com/whtr-calculator/

 

I'm also tracking wasit/hip ratio, but I have a little bit more work to do there...

 

If waist is bigger than hips they say use 1" above the navel, otherwise just find the smallest circumference.

[missmary]

news for March.

 

-worked 2 weekends in a row (all day both days) to hit a work deadline. -learned a new piece of software well enough to deliver said work deadline using it, meaning every. single. thing. took 2 to 3 times as long as usual to complete, but got it done and it looks ok.

 

-weighed myself on the 1st and gained 3lbs but didn't care. I had my period. I was in the middle of insane stress and sleeplessness. whatever. this number is not important.

 

-ate pretty well, considering...whole30+dark chocolate and a couple hard ciders on two different occasions this month. fine.

 

what else? I'm thinking about fitness and body image more. I don't know if you guys follow them, but watching girls gone strong and jen sinkler and those folks and trying to figure out why their message is hitting such a sour note for me. This week was the last straw for girls gone strong. I really really don't want to see images of super fit ladies pointing out their "flaws" in my facebook stream and I don't find it empowering at all. I don't want to "own the thigh gap" or "close the thigh gap". who cares!? I have thighs. Thighs are awesome.

[pjena]

Great attitude, Mary.  Enjoy the warm up this week/end!!!  Who knows if it will last...

[Physibeth]

I hope your work gets less stressful soon. Do you at least get paid hourly? Or if not get to take the extra time as comp time? I love what you have to say about the scale and about your body image. I think the most empowering thing that women can see is other women loving their bodies as they are and treating their bodies well. You are an empowering woman!

[missmary]

I hope your work gets less stressful soon. Do you at least get paid hourly? Or if not get to take the extra time as comp time? I love what you have to say about the scale and about your body image. I think the most empowering thing that women can see is other women loving their bodies as they are and treating their bodies well. You are an empowering woman!

 

ha. I am salaried, but my support staff is hourly (contract) so not only did I work for no pay, but I couldn't have support there because they would have to be paid for that time and my project budget couldn't cover it. ugh. The deadline is done, so things will be slightly less frantic for a little while. I need to figure out a way to take some time off, though. I get four weeks of vacation every year, but can never seem to find a good time to use it.

 

and thanks! I am a work in progress, that is for sure, but I'm starting to appreciate my body more for what it is right now and what it can do, so that's pretty cool.

[Physibeth]

Well that sucks about the job stuff. I hope you can find some vacation time soon even if it a long weekend now and then. 

 

I always remind myself when I start picking at myself that we are all works in progress and there is no such thing as the perfect body. I also picture where I was when I started this journey. Focusing on how far I've come is so much more productive than focusing on how far I've yet to go.