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One of the best gifts of my w30 experience is gaining confidence in the body I currently inhabit. A year ago, I looked and weighed exactly the same as I do in this picture- but that little roll above my tights had been enough to keep me from pursuing a passion for learning ballet. No more- I proudly take that little roll, and the rest if me to weekly class where I am the most beginner, and possibly the rolliest, in my new dance gear, ripping off styles of famous nycb dancers like as if I actually belong there or something. ;)

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Aw. Little roll. It is a teensy wittle thing.

It is teensy and wittle and, dare I say, endearing. Media images have de-normalized the human figure to such a degree that in my mind it had grown to such proportions that it held an enormous amount of influence as to whether or not I was allowed to feel happy, safe, or loved.

I feel a healthy amount of shame that I lived, willfully, under it's tyranny for so long.

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Mo! You are a brilliant rock star to make friends with your tiny dancer roll. I was overjoyed to read how smart you are! I'm a older woman and I had opportunity for self hatred for decades before you were born, and I used them well. I had not itty bitty rolls, but huge rolling hills of fat to beat myself up with, over 100 pounds of them. If I could have formed them into a bat to beat on myself, I would have. It stopped me from doing things because of my shame and embarrassment. That said, I did hike the Great Wall much to the dismay of my ankles and knees.

My journey from 249 to here has been a long one. The only part I regret is the amount of shame and self loathing that went with it. Please please please love your body and appreciate everything it does for you. If anyone in class glances at tiny dancer, look them in the eye, smile and rub her affectionately. She'll leave, or not leave, when you're ready. You're way to stunning to not flaunt your gorgeous self!

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I've been looking back and some old photos, and feel the same way! granted, this is back when I was still drinking - I was so puffy. never even thought that I was. and this past week? I BOUGHT SOME SHORTS! seriously, I haven't worn shorts in years. Beets - I am white legs with eczema on my knees...here comes the sunless tanning lotion and the dairy removal has actually deeply helped my knees. but I'm still super self conscious. the funny thing is they are the same size as I used to wear. my legs are more muscular for sure but they fit without me sucking my stomach in (although I do have a little muffin in one pair).

similar note: gap MUST have re-sized all their clothing. I hated their clothing because I was always in a L or XL and their pants never fit...and I was certain I was not a 12. no way. now I am buying M and the shorts? 6. so they MUST have re-sized.

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I totally agree Jess! Gap has a size 00 now...like 0 isn't small enough! How ridiculous that Gap does this to make women feel like they fit into some idealized model. I'm sorry to hijack with a rant. Honestly I felt compelled to post here because these last few entries have felt like therapy for me. I got really emotional reading them just being grateful for the insights of all the women who posted. Its helping me work through my own issues so much.

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Thanks everyone for putting "Litttle Roll" in her place- I wasn't fishing for compliments I really just meant to shine a light on the distortion that plagues enjoyment of our female (and perhaps male) forms.

I can't decide how much longer I should keep logging my post W30 food. Some days I think it helps me stay closer to the "ideal", some days I think I'm obsessing and should give it all a rest. Not yet though.

Today (day 3 vacay, day 2 post Aip)

M1: coffee w/ heavy cream, picked at a pork roast I'd cooked overnight as I put it away, 2 handfuls baby carrots

M2: kind bar

M3: pork roast, cucumber, carrot & tomato salad w/ tessamaes lemon dressing

M4: black bean & corn salsa dipped with cucumber slices, pork roast, butternut squash sautéed in bacon fat w/ steamed green beans

Like 5 teacups of gin and lime mixer (agave) :/

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Oh, the community is wonderful. I will definitely keep my log going. I just meant I don't feel like I need to remember or write down everything I eat everyday. Though sometimes I like to, it makes me feel more in control when I need to feel that way.

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I've read Mod Tom write somewhere that he doesn't think it's healthy to keep tracking food. I tend to agree. I think I'll stop with it, too; and I'll be moving my log to post W30land since yesterday's fun came with cocktails and fried chicken. :o

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I've read Mod Tom write somewhere that he doesn't think it's healthy to keep tracking food. I tend to agree. I think I'll stop with it, too; and I'll be moving my log to post W30land since yesterday's fun came with cocktails and fried chicken.

Oh Tom and his impossible standards...

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Eating (and drinking) whatever I wanted all weekend made my trip more carefree and a lot easier, and I don't feel as bad as I expected. I'm wicked bloated though and grateful for my baggie clothes which will keep this all under cover until a few days of clean eating bring my waist back.

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today I ate (day 4 vacay, driving home alone with 2 kids :blink:)

so much road coffee

sonic (the only diner in the small town was closed for the holiday) eggs, cheese and sausage with picante sauce and tater tots

carsnax: sprouted sunflower seeds with garlic and sea salt, small piece of a kind bar I found in my backpack :wub: , baby carrots, homebrewed kombucha, 2 small bags of kettle chips, couple bites of kids pepperoni salad from subway, carrot juice

dinner: chicken, bacon and green beans with sauce of dijon mustard and coconut aminos, pickle flavored homebrew (totally compliant)

STUFFED! And just kind of feeling "simple" for getting swept away in the notion that JUST because I was on a roadtrip, and JUST because it was a holiday weekend that I just HAD to go a little overboard. At the same time, I am a mix of proud and ashamed of my post-celebratory paunch. It's getting harder and harder to whine about my "abundance problems", i.e. digestive woes" when much of the world starves. :mellow:

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I can't decide how much longer I should keep logging my post W30 food. Some days I think it helps me stay closer to the "ideal", some days I think I'm obsessing and should give it all a rest. Not yet though.

I totally hear you. I have come to the conclusion that food is where my personal version of OCD comes out. I roll my eyes at myself daily but, you know, in an accepting sort of way. Here's the thing, if I weren't obsessing here in positive-ish way, ie, as a way of staying present and moving forward, I would be obsessing in a self-deprecatory sort of way, self-flagellating about my inability to control my eating. One day maybe I won't be so obsessive, but if this is the most unhealthy thing I'm doing, so be it.

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I like the way the shellac mani looks (def makes my big hands seem more fem), and it stays good looking for 3 weeks- but it damages my nails, makes them thin. Then I don't want to NOT have it on bc they look worse than before. And the time it takes! What a waste I think. And the money! $30 for something that has zero intrinsic value and will have disappeared from existence in mere weeks!

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Yeah, if I get a mani it's the $10 version. My nails are affected also by psoriasis (pitted, bumpy, ridged) so they can't take too much damage.

My choc photo is apparently stuck in your log. Ugh. I feel sick. Just thinking I used to nibble on junk in the am all the time. I feel so awful.

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